Kissimee54

I seem to be so in tuned to my significant other's behavior. It affects my moods and changes how my day is going. I'm trying to separate myself from those mood changes but it is so difficult. Does anyone have any methods they use to do this? I need help.

kittycat3

Read codependent no more by Melanie Beattie. Best manual out there for this exact situation!

Booo

That is the classic sign. The classic. You are not happy unless they are unhappy. When they are not around you often don't feel and if you Do per chance have a feeling...you'll often be told its the wrong one to have and believe it. Welcome to my younger life...it's took me 40 years to have a feeling and a few more to learn how to express it.

Quish16

It is hard - I am getting there but it takes time. I too need to read the suggested book. This forum helps a lot though. We SHOULD NOT have to walk around on eggshells. But it is partially our fault for giving them the power to affect our lives to such an extent. Yes, easy to write but not so easy to put into practice. Good luck - it isn't easy and I am sure a lot of us are having the same challenge.

honeypig

Kissimee, do you go to Alanon at all? It's a great resource for finding ways to put the focus on yourself and NOT on the A. As others have said, it IS tough. It's hard to even know what you feel, you're so used to being nothing but a mirror for someone else....

If you haven't done so, I'd check into a few Alanon meetings and see if you get some ideas there. No cost and only an hour of your time.

You'll eventually start to see who YOU are and what YOU want--just keep working!

FireSprite

IDK how to "officially" detach, but I found it helpful to pay attention to me. By that I mean: when I started to notice that my mood had changed I thought back over what had happened between then & earlier, looking for the triggers that affected my change. Then I examined those triggers - some of them really surprised me because they were so obviously wrong when I examined them in black & white.

Once I identified my triggers I was far better as seeing them coming my way & deflecting them before I was affected. Every baby step took me closer to detachment. Every time I detached I put loving myself first which helped me rebuild my trust in myself & my instincts. Over time every little step added to my health & happiness.

And read, read, read everything.... here in the flood of daily posts, the stickey threads, other forums, books, blogs, spiritual guides - if it resonates for you in any small way read it!

wellnowwhat

My AH is an angry, cynical man and for years I was right there with him. Not a screaming, breaking things kind of guy; quiet misery with frequent complaints or sarcastic comments is more his style.

A few years ago I made the conscious decision that I was not going to be that way anymore when what I really wanted was to be happy. This worsened his moods when I stopped going along on the misery ride.

When he was complaining about something, rather than seeing if I could fix it, or find the "magic" words to soothe him, I now ask myself "what is he doing to change/fix this?" If the answer is nothing, then, despite some Oscar-worthy performances, I step back and get off the ride.

If he hates his boss (he does), is he doing anything to get a different/better job?

If he has sore knees (he does), sore back (he does), sore anything (yep, sore everything), is he getting medical attention?

If he's depressed, down, anxious, is he seeking counselling?

No, No, Nope!

So......if he's not concerned enough to change/fix it, I am not concerned either.

I feel like a spectator to a performance. I do feel sad, when I stop to think about it, that he tends to go "there", but it doesn't affect me anymore on a daily basis.

"Live and let live" is what the alanannies (thanks Hammer for that wonderful phrase) would say, but with the emphasis on the first "Live!".

Just my experience.

ladyscribbler

When he was complaining about something, rather than seeing if I could fix it, or find the "magic" words to soothe him, I now ask myself "what is he doing to change/fix this?" If the answer is nothing, then, despite some Oscar-worthy performances, I step back and get off the ride.

Brilliant! Great advice and LOL at "Oscar worthy performances"- milking that drama for all it's worth, even the most inane and frequently self-inflicted problems.

Booo

"Live and let live" is what the alanannies (thanks Hammer for that wonderful phrase) would say, but with the emphasis on the first "Live!".


Best. Word. Ever.