Mirage74

This is a pretty messed up thread, but I need to share this. I posted about a fight with my sister about thanksgiving a few days ago. Well she is in my head. I think she knows this and enjoys doing this. It is like psychological warfare. I can't say stop, bc she denies it. The tells me it's all in my head and I need to take my medicine, when I feel she is the culprit. If I could get her to go away, I would feel like a million bucks. She also knows this which is why she does this. I have threatened her before when she called the police on me, lied, and had me arrested and thrown in a hospital. I am still pissed about this. I would like to have her arrested, but I can't prove any of it. I want her out of my life for good, but I can't seem to make that happen. She reminds me of one of those stalkers that harasses people.

I know this is a crazy post, but I came close to drinking tonight and I need some advice. Thank you in advance

DoubleBarrel

If she is truly harassing you and won't stop, you can legally file a retraining order.

Otherwise, why not refuse any sort of contact with her? As adults, she has no real power over you. Refuse to allow yourself to be drawn into manipulation and drama. No calls no texts, nothing.

Is there any real reason that you have to interact with her?

Mirage74

Well, normally I don't speak with her at all. But we spoke bc she is trying to get me to come to our large family Thanksgiving. It wasn't completely a mistake bc it's at her house and I needed to tell someone I wasn't coming. Once thanksgiving is over, this obsessive thinking will decrease substantially. But I'd like to resolve it once and for all. Like I said, I take p-meds for obsessive thoughts and have always been told I have a mental illness, including by her. I am coming to believe that this really is coming from outside of me (ie, her) and I don't need the meds. Feel like suing the hell out of everyone bc they never diagnosed the real problem, I think to protect my family members (she's not the only one I have problems with, I don't really speak to any of them). It is like a coverup, you tell a doctor what's going on and all they do is dose you up on meds, instead of confronting the fact that my family is freaking out to do me damage. It's all around a really f'd up situation. Thanks for the response.

Mirage74

I was really reluctant to share all this, bc normally I keep everything close to the vest. I'm not " supposed" to talk bad about my family, you know, don't let anyone outside know the dirty laundry. And I hope this doesn't turn out to bite me. But like I said I came really close to drinking and I needed to get it out. This stuff festering is like poison in your brain for an alcoholic. Feels pretty damn good to finally let it out. Thanks for listening

mrschoices

I highly suggest getting a good Big Book sponsor in AA.
That has helped me to stop feeding into other people's insanity.
I learned why I did this and how to outgrow my selfish, immature reactions.

Chris1000101

I know what you’re saying, I had similar crap within my biological and foster homes. Took some time for me to figure out that alcohol was not the answer to hiding my feelings, the darn things were still there and worse than what they originally were.

What did work for me took a few years. I first had to identify myself, my feelings, my goals, what really happened, and with the help of a higher power what was I going to do to maintain peace and serenity in my life. It started with a good counselor that was ACoA certified.

tromboneliness

My way of dealing with family issues (mostly since my parents died -- while they were on the way out, my cousins were, for the most part, very unhelpful to say the least) is to tune them out. I don't call them, I don't answer when they call, and generally, I don't make contact. There's no law that says we have to!

T

EveningRose

As the stress increases around here with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up--and knowing probably four of my kids will spend at least part of the day with my extended family and the rest will be angry that I won't go or let them go--I have been thinking about just this. How many 'mental problems' are really the result of years of emotional abuse by family?

I was thinking in part of my codie mother's bitterness and hatred, knowing it has come in part from being in an abusive marriage for 50 years, but in part from how she's chosen to respond.

But I was also thinking of the time I'd been told so often by family members and then XH that I imagined things, that conversations I remembered clearly had never happened--that I literally reached a point of staring at green traffic lights wondering if they were really green, and watching someone's mouth move, hearing their words, and wondering if I'd be told these things were never said. I literally lost faith in my own perceptions.

Fortunately, I had moved away from my family for a long time, in which time I'd gained a little clarity and confidence in myself, and I was aware that I needed to put a stop to this for my own sanity. But after that experience, I can very easily believe that someone could be diagnosed with various supposed mental issues that have in fact sprung directly from familial emotional abuse over the years, and constantly being told things like this.


I agree. This is really the only answer.

I realized somewhere along the line that all the stomach aches I had every time I came to visit family were NOT the water in this town as I'd long thought. It was the stress of being around them. When people are literally making us sick, either physically or mentally, we need to just stay away from them.

Mirage74

Great post EveningRose. I could relate to much of what you said. I think my sister tells me things are "all in my head" to avoid having to admit the truth and accept any blame. If it's all in my head, it's all my fault and I'm just crazy. If it's not just in my head, it is real and they have to accept some blame, which they obviously don't want to do. It's a pretty f'd up thing to do to tell someone that, and I carry a ton of resentment about it. My sisters fight dirty and feel no remorse. Likely narcissistic and sociopathic. There's really no way to deal with people like that, except to avoid them. If they didn't team up on me, I think I could handle them individually. My mother and the rest of my family annoy me in their own way. Don't rock the boat. I will rock the boat, especially if something is affecting me, but I get no support so hit a brick wall. I guess in a way I'm boycotting Thanksgiving.

Anyway, it feels good to let this stuff out, I've kept it all bottled up for a long time. Sometimes they cut so deep I just want to fall down on my knees. It's like getting hit with a sledgehammer.

Anyway, thx ER

EveningRose

I could sit here and type, YES, ME TOO!! to every single sentence.

Yes, I've often thought I could handle it if it were just my parents, or just a sibling. But it's parents, three siblings, and a brother in law, not to mention XH. It's the difference between being able to just step aside and throw the little stones being thrown by one person vs. the weight of an entire avalanche coming down on you.

My father has told me to my face, "You imagined it all." (Really, being thrown around and choked? No, I did not imagine it.) My mother is telling people I 'have a big imagination.' XH was routinely telling me conversations never happened.

I think in part, sometimes they really don't remember it. It's easy for me to believe that the night my dad went crazy ripping phones from walls and chasing me through snow banks, he really was in such a black rage that he wasn't in his right mind and blanked it all out. Almost like a split personality. So to him, yes, it really is perplexing that I'd say these things happened.

But in part, it's out and out mind games. Gaslighting. Simple deny, deny, deny. I wonder if they're aware of how much damage this does internally to someone, to constantly be told they're perceptions and memories are that far off reality.

I suspect my sisters feel no remorse because they really have had their own minds and perceptions shaped by 35-45 years of the family narrative. They feel no remorse because they really fully believe that I am at fault, because they've heard it so often. They're frustrated, just trying to get me to shape up.

I don't see it as boycotting anything, simply a choice not to spend holidays with people who fly into rages.

Are you in position to move far away?

Kialua

My sister does the same thing, she was never beat and favored. So her way to handle all the terror was to tell herself we were bad, and stupid for being caught, we just didn't know how to lie good enough.

Course that was not true at all. We had family counseling as adults when AF was in treatment and she finally said she felt responsible for not stopping it as the oldest. She said it had impacted her empathy in her daily life and she knew it. That lasted one hour.

She is still in denial very much ever since. When I pin her down about it all, she then changes her tactic and says even IF it did happen we should just get over it. Pretty easy for her to say, being raised beat for 18 years really affects a person. She is so insensitive. She really does want to be friends after all these years but it's so hard. If I slip and say anything about being raised crappy she jumps on me and gets angry or belittles me.

I realize she is in her own private hell about it even if she doesn't show it, living in a pretend world but it doesn't help me much.

Mirage74

Yea, moving away would be a good idea. I actually just got back from a counseling session. I basically ripped my family the whole time. He said the same thing, basically stay away. He also said I'm somewhat immature, which I already knew, but it still stung a little. Drinking for 20 years I guess contributes to that. I know I've got some work to do. But it felt pretty damn good to dump all that out and be somewhat validated. I would recommend it if you're up for it.

tromboneliness

Careful about physically moving away -- the ol' "geographical cure" never works, because no matter where you go, there you are! There's no such thing as making a new start and not having to do the work. Sure, if your family lives up the street and is in the habit of knocking on the door unannounced, that would be a bit much -- but even there, just don't answer the door.

In any case, good luck -- don't let them rule your life. Tune 'em out!

T

EveningRose

I would say that putting 2,000 miles between myself and them for 12 years was very beneficial, but I have to agree that it's not a cure-all, that we still have to work through and heal ourselves of all the inner voices and residual damage.

Mirage74

I agree ER, I think it would help.

Just got another text from my sister asking me if I'm coming, after I already told her and my mother separately I'm not. She claims she has not talked to her, which I suspect is a lie. This is what they do. I mean, it feels a bit like harassment.

EveningRose

Can you block them?

My first step after my dad left a dozen hateful voicemails three years ago was to block his phone. Problem solved for phone calls. I believe I've blocked his e-mail, too. And from now on, letters will be marked Return to Sender.

Chris1000101

That is sooo true. About 10 years ago sis and I burned ALL bridges with our bio-family. My name is generic enough that there is always another me wherever I move, sis changed her full name and moved a couple of times. I am the only one to know her name and where she is at. Likewise, she is the only one to know where I am at. Once the decision was made to be done with them I could feel peace returning. I made my choice not because I was running, I was done and knew there was nothing else I/anyone could do. They made their choice to live/die the way they do and I chose peace, serenity, love, life without drugs & alcohol, and life on life's terms not theirs.

Mirage74

I guess I could, don't know how.

That's the thing, I wish they would yell and scream at me, then I would have an legitimate excuse. They kill me with kindness, that's their tactic.

For example, after being asked for the 3rd time if Im coming, I texted no, please stop asking. She tweeted me back a lame excuse for asking again and then told me how great it is to have me as a brother. It's niceness covering up anger/hatred. I would rather them yell and scream, so I could yell back.

It's sort of like, how do you deal with someone who is politely harassing you. IOW, if I call them on it, they can deny having done something. They put up a great front for everyone, so if I accuse them of something, I look like the bad/crazy person.

Looks like moving away and stopping contact is the answer. Unfortunately, job and money make that a challenge. But I think I need to make it a priority.

Mirage74

And I kind of apologize for bashing my family. I generally hate talking bad about people behind their back. Can't stand it, most if the time.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Chris1000101

They are your feelings, own them don't apologize for them. And as far as talking crap about family . . . I will share anything I need to for My Recovery or to help another. If it bothers them it is their problem, Not Mine. List of accolades include: drugs and alcohol, child abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual), domestic violence and violence against others, vandalism, theft, destruction of property, torture and killing of domestic animals. The list goes on, my secrets are what keep me from growing. I have nothing to fear and I will share anything I need to, to help another.