Psychological Warfare

Old 11-25-2013, 11:44 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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No apologies necessary. And being gaslighted and emotionally abused by your family is a pretty legitimate reason for not showing up for Thanksgiving dinner. I will say that moving 3,000 miles from my AM's family was a huge step in me finding my own recovery. Unfortunately, I was still saddled with a problem (myself, and all of my baggage), and it took a couple of incidents for me to start doing the real work.

I see things so much more clearly now, and you will too soon enough. I hear people say, "I'm going to have to listen to [family member] about this." Especially in my XH's family. They have the nutjob family monarch who everyone bows down to. She hates me because I never bought her bs. Anyway, whenever XH posts a picture of work (he's a lineman for the cable company, so there are a lot of pics from up high on the poles) or something crude or snarky, his sister always whines that she's going to hear it from grandma. But she says she HAS TO. You don't HAVE TO do anything. You aren't obligated to show up, talk to anyone, or shoot, even let them know how to find you. It's really liberating, honestly. I told the XSIL once that she could just hang up whenever grandma launched into a diatribe, and you would've thought I'd told her to kill her own grandmother. Seeing codependency through recovering eyes is a breakthrough.
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Old 11-26-2013, 06:52 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
I guess I could, don't know how.
I signed onto my phone account online to do it with my home phone. I'm pretty sure if I ever felt the need to block my cell phone, I could go online, likewise, into my account. In e-mail, there's a function somewhere. Maybe someone else can tell you. I always go to HELP in any program to look for answers, and failing that, just google it. Somewhere online, you'll find answers.

Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
That's the thing, I wish they would yell and scream at me, then I would have an legitimate excuse. They kill me with kindness, that's their tactic.
Funny, isn't it? Yeah, I got the niiiiiiicest letter from AF expressing such concern....and yet woven throughout the underlying message was what a screw-up I am, how much he's done for me, how my own children can't wait to get away from me (not exactly true), and how all my accomplishments in life are really his doing. My sister sends me letters telling me she loooooves me, they all loooooove me (but you have to admit it's really your fault I have meltdowns and rages....and subtext between her and my dad, it'll keep happening until I jump through their [impossible] hoops and accomplish the impossible.)

Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
I would rather them yell and scream, so I could yell back.
My suggestion: don't. The reason I walked away was because I saw three choices: 1. Be a doormat and take it. 2. Get down in the mud and fight. 3. Walk away. I didn't want to be like them. I didn't want to spend my life screaming at other people. And to be honest, in an alcoholic family, the dynamics mean that you are going to lose, anyway, plus now, they'll all point to how you screamed.

True story: at my sister's second melt down, she was screaming red in the face, leaning over the dinner table, raging. I said one thing. My dad said, "Sit down, ER." I made a decision. I'm going to be the peacemaker. I'm going to honor my father. He'll do the right thing and tell her to sit down, too. I sat, he said nothing, and she kept going and going and going.

And you know how it's remembered in family lore: Her informing me I was screaming at her in her own house at her own table. How can this be, as I barely got two words out, trying to speak calmly before he told me to sit down and I did? I sat there saying nothing. But it's being relayed as me screaming when in fact, she was doing the screaming.

Moral of the story: in an alcoholic family, it is pre-determined who is the Problem. Reality DOES. NOT. MATTER. Facts DO. NOT. MATTER. If you actually scream at anyone, it's only going to get worse, and they will not realize that they've been pushing you. They'll only be appalled that you screamed and blame you, regardless of what has led to that point.

Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
Looks like moving away and stopping contact is the answer. Unfortunately, job and money make that a challenge. But I think I need to make it a priority.
I agree.

Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
And I kind of apologize for bashing my family. I generally hate talking bad about people behind their back. Can't stand it, most if the time.
I think this is so typical. I think I'm shooting myself in the foot, refusing to really tell my kids all that has gone on, because I don't want to be like my mother, always badmouthing everyone.
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Old 11-26-2013, 09:52 AM
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I think you're right, ER, fighting with them doesn't solve anything, as has proven in the past. It always ends up bad for me. Bad mouthing doesn't help either, it always comes back to bite you. I don't know how some people get away with it.



And I'm the first to admit, I take my share of the blame. I've done damage to myself with my alcoholism and probably other things. I think it's important to let it go, move on, and rebuild my life. That's all I can really do.

Thanks ER for your replies, they've been a real help. Same for everyone else. I really don't have anywhere else to go to about this bc everyone I know in town sides with them! And why is that? Bc they run their mouths off! WTF?
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Old 11-26-2013, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
I don't know how some people get away with it.

Thanks ER for your replies, they've been a real help. Same for everyone else. I really don't have anywhere else to go to about this bc everyone I know in town sides with them! And why is that? Bc they run their mouths off! WTF?
I, too, am at a loss as to how this seems to work for some people and not others. What I have to be content with is being glad that I'm not the one doing harm. I will never have to look back with shame or regret on my own behavior, as I have striven from a young age to grow, improve, to do right, to treat others well.

I will say, I spent years in my church--where my other also goes--thinking all the older women must be looking down on me and whispering every time my kids acted up or put a toe out of line (particularly trying, as I have not one, but two, boys with ADHD and on the autism spectrum). Over the years, I have come to realize that, regardless of my mother being there for 35 years, she does not necessarily command such respect. One of my friends, one of these older women who has known my mother for decades, told me at one of the women's gatherings, a whole bunch of them were so relieved to find they weren't at a table with my mother (because she NEVER stops talking.)

So, things might not be quite what you think. I do know a woman at the bank thinks my mom is just the bees knees, but really, it's easy to put on a show for the three minutes you're in line. Who cares what this woman thinks? Those who matter may see the truth more than you realize.
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Old 12-02-2013, 07:59 PM
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Understand what you are saying, ER. For me, I think my problem with my sister is something I need to deal with. I think we have some unresolved issues from when I was young that we're never resolved because she was older. I mean, it's time to grow up, I find her games childish. I know there is probably going to be a confrontation, which usually tend to really escalate because she has a lot of anger, apparently at me. I hope I can fix it soon so I can gain some inner peace with this and move on.
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
For me, I think my problem with my sister is something I need to deal with. I think we have some unresolved issues from when I was young that we're never resolved because she was older. I mean, it's time to grow up, I find her games childish. I know there is probably going to be a confrontation, which usually tend to really escalate because she has a lot of anger, apparently at me. I hope I can fix it soon so I can gain some inner peace with this and move on.
The question is, does she want to fix it?

My sister is also older, by less than two years, and I don't know if you mean something similar, but she was always very into the fact that she was the older sister. I wasn't supposed to come around her and her friends, etc. I was supposed to know my place. When I moved back home after years away, we were in our mid to late 30s...and I realized she was still acting the same way. A childish game, as you say at that age.

My experience with attempting to resolve problems (which in our case was her flying into red-in-the-face screaming rages) was that I kept my statement to a factual sentence or two: I can't come back for holidays if this is going to keep happening. We need to talk about this.

I was ignored for 18 months. I think AF told her to apologize to get me to shut up or something, because when I refused to come back, I got this: I'm sorry, but you have to admit your part in it.

I wasn't buying it. No. I don't fly into rages like that under any circumstances. I don't think I've EVER gone into such a rage at another human being.

End result: we have no relationship, because she does not WANT to 'repair' the relationship except by way of me saying, "You're right, I deserved that."

I suspect an awful lot of members here will have similar stories regarding attempts to repair relationships. Sadly.

I do hope that if you talk to her, yours will be different. But I would strongly advise that you don't depend too much on your relationship with her for your peace. I have had to find mine elsewhere.
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:43 PM
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Yea, my sister sounds a lot like yours but she is 6 yrs older. She still tries to treat me like her little brother even though I am a grown man! We are constantly arguing and she refuses to take any responsibility-it's always my fault and she's not doing anything, even though I'm the one who feels harassed. It's pretty sick, at least on her part. I just want it to stop. I'm pretty easy-going and like to get along with people but if she's around she's buzzing all over the place, gossiping, getting angry, talking behind your back. I really think it's some mental condition there. I really think it will come to a yelling match which is scary, cause the last time she called the police on me. She will do anything just to win, even though she's wrong, and I just want her to leave me alone. She is renting out space rent free in my head, I want her evicted!
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Mirage74 View Post
Yea, my sister sounds a lot like yours but she is 6 yrs older. She still tries to treat me like her little brother even though I am a grown man! We are constantly arguing and she refuses to take any responsibility-it's always my fault and she's not doing anything, even though I'm the one who feels harassed. It's pretty sick, at least on her part. I just want it to stop. I'm pretty easy-going and like to get along with people but if she's around she's buzzing all over the place, gossiping, getting angry, talking behind your back. I really think it's some mental condition there. I really think it will come to a yelling match which is scary, cause the last time she called the police on me. She will do anything just to win, even though she's wrong, and I just want her to leave me alone. She is renting out space rent free in my head, I want her evicted!
How far do you live from them? Can you simply not answer the phone? Block e-mails? On what grounds did she call the police?

One thing I have long since learned is that yes, it will always be someone else's fault, in the eyes of these people. There is absolutely no way to change that. There is simply nothing to do other than limit contact as much as you can. Don't even try to talk about these things.

As to evicting her--what are your other interests? Do you have things you enjoy doing? Do you keep a gratitude list? The best thing I ever did for myself was start a 'bucket list' at 43things.com and then start pursuing it. You have to look at your own life, and decide what you want to leave behind, what you want to have to show for the life you have, and then start doing those things. Among other things, I sponsor two children and an elderly, bedridden man through a program. I'm showing my children the better way to live. I'm helping someone. My life matters. And nothing my parents or sisters do can take that away from me, or my children, or these people.

Me, I want to put something good in the world. Yes, my parents and siblings hurt me, but if I can put something good in the world, it matters a whole lot less than it would have otherwise, had I done nothing for anyone, and let them convince me I'm that worthless, inept, and messed up.

Because I started looking at my own life rather than spending my days thinking about them, I have met many wonderful people who see me for who I really am.

And I do realize it's easier said than done. My nephew (I posted about him last May) showed up on my property a few days ago. Came with my daughter. I told him unless he had an apology, he needed to get off my property. He did so (ie, wasn't about to apologize), there was no further confrontation, but my sister, who clearly heard me refer to his vulgar language in question, stood around and did nothing. The adults (so-called adults) are a huge part of why he thinks he can behave like that. (Oh, wait, he DID behave like that! And he and I both know they'll either ignore it or high-five him.)

Yeah, I'm mad. Yeah, it's taking up space in my head. (Here I am talking about it, lol.) But a whole lot less than it would have several years ago.
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