Hardline

I'm getting ready to kick my high functioning A out of my home, for multiple reasons, and now that my eyes are fully open, I'm seeing significant narcissistic tendencies (walks like a duck, quacks like a duck).

The most disturbing is gaslighting...I've been married to a narcissist before, so I'm very familiar with the process (yay me). My A is a covert, rather than overt, N, and I was completely unaware that they existed until recently.

So ANYway...I call him out on the gaslighting business, and get this-he ADMITS to it?!!

I have dug around and dug around, but found nothing on this.

Anybody here experienced this before? I'm a little concerned that perhaps the N behavior is a little "more" than what I'm even seeing?

I thought I was pretty good at ID'ing N's, but this has me a bit shaken.

Any thoughts? Thank you!
L.

Florence

I say this as someone who has been with a N.

If he's bad to you, who cares? Saying, "Yes, I am a complete jerk who messes with your mind to get my way," doesn't mitigate the fact that he does this. It's still happening, it's still wrong, and you still deserve better. Just my opinion.

dandylion

Hardline---if he is gaslighting you, he is abusing you. And, if he is a true narcissist--it isn't going to change.

You deserve to be without him.

dandylion

HealingWillCome

I'm with Florence and Dandylion. Does it matter? Will analyzing it further help your cause?

Hardline

I believe it...hence the preparation to give the boot. He's an ass with a shiny surface.

I'm just completely flummoxed by his ready admission and flip attitude about it! I was curious if anyone had ever run across something similar before.

The issues are legion...this, believe it or not, is minor.

It is going to be over very, very soon.

Thank you!

Johnston

Two narcissists in a row? Wow.

amy55

My ex once told me that he knows a lot of psycho babble, and he will use whatever he could to make me crazy.



PS - I don't know if this is what you are talking about though, or if it's the same

AnvilheadII

hon, take a good hard look at how his "admission" has thrown you into a tailspin. THAT is gaslighting. you weren't prepared for him to ADMIT anything....

you have a plan to get out? DO THAT. with a quickness.

marie1960

Sounds to me like he will say/do anything to get you to 'shut the hell up" and leave him to his own devices.

Truly, there is a good read available for just about any subject matter.

I am not going to dispute any helpful aid available.

But I will share with you what was the most helpful to me......

I GOT THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY..........

wanttobehealthy

Have a plan to fight the denigration campaign that will follow leaving him. I wasn't prepared for the devaluation/character assassination by my N & A XAH and it's been deeply debilitating to me to combat it. He's very believable and I wish I had gone into my leaving him prepared for how much uglier it would get once I left.

Just brace yourself, speak your truth and surround yourself w friends.

ShootingStar1

There's a book about narcissists called something like The Wizard of Ox and Other Narcissists that is excellent.

ShootingStar1

wysiwyg

I wholeheartedly second this recommendation. I devoured this book and immediately read it again and found a whole new wealth of information that I missed the first time through.

Ruby2

My AH readily admits that he is trying to manipulate me. That he will do it to get what he wants. He understands that his actions are selfish and cause a great deal of pain. But does it really make a difference if he doesn't stop?

Sort of like the old joke "if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there, does it still make a sound?" The answer? Who gives a poop? My point being, It doesn't change the fact that the tree fell.

Impurrfect

To me, if he's admitting to his behavior, it's up to you to accept it or take care of yourself. I was a victim of gaslighting for almost 20 years. I turned to addiction to deal with it. Stupid move.

IMO, you can take him as he is (blaming YOU for all his woes) or you can take care of YOU and let him deal with his consequences. For all those years, i would feel guilty for things HE had done that were totally wrong. BIG red flag, now.

The guy I wasted 20+ years on? He's married to a codie who would put MY codie-ness to shame. I'm finally at the point where I think they deserve, and he couldn't handle the person I am today. First time he said "if you don't like, it LEAVE". In the past I tried to commit suicide. Today? He couldn't DEAL with the person I've become. He's still messed up, she's still messed up, and I'm moving on.

I wish you the best. Take care of you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

honeypig

You might get something useful out of this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...led-crazy.html

Hope you can take in what the other posters here have said; it seems like good straight talk, to me.

Hardline

yeah, speshul, ain't it though. Not in a row, however. I've dated many guys in between, and honestly, my gut told me to stay the hell away from X but my family has known him forever-since we were 4 or 5-and encouraged/nagged me into giving him a chance.

Live and learn.

He didn't know what it was, had no name for it, he just thought it would be funny to screw with me.

So in other words, he's just a d*ick.

good point...hadn't seen THAT angle.

I guess I can't quote more than three comments here and my short term memory sucks (minor TBI after a riding accident several years ago...I'm a hot mess I swear) so thank you all for your advice/thoughts...I'm having a hard time reconciling the two men that 'are' him...but that dissonance will fade...

Hardline

First, before I forget, HoneyPig, thank you for the link. I searched for N related topics before posting but must have flubbed it somehow.

THIS is exactly what I'm dreading. I know he's viciously nasty and after my wreck I've struggled with a lovely little gem called selective mutism, aka I can't talk when I'm stressed.

I'm mentally preparing myself as much as I can, and I have my fam on standby that a blank or jibberjabber text means I need help.

I can do this. I just need to DO it.

brilliant. I'm off to town today, and if all else fails, Amazon should do the trick! Thank you!

We had a big spat about a month ago...he got his feelings hurt because my son (7) teased him and said something about his poppa would say man up and get over it. Harmless, if slightly sassy, fun. It was appropriate to the conversation and not mean spirited at all. I told him to get over it, he told me to F. O .

I told him to pack his crap and leave.

Shortly after that, he apologized (yawn) and in the course of conversation, told me he's never going to quit drinking.

I believe him, and as the saying goes, "I choose life". My son has a sleepover this weekend, and we're 'chatting' then.

Typical, though, he knows I'm not impressed and has been very 'nice' here lately...this side of him I adore. But living with his abusive, alcoholic father, and his flaky, heavily Codie mother has scarred him beyond what I can fix.

It's a crying shame, because he is a broken person. But I can't do more for him than what he'll do for himself, and he has made his choice.

Thank you all, so much. I am off to read the link and dig around for that Wizard of Ox book!

wanttobehealthy

A grown man got his feelings hurt by a 7 yr old?.... Christ. You are married to my xAH who is far more N than A I think... Or maybe he's both equally.

Last winter we all went skiing and on the ride home d7 teased xAH that he wasn't as good as mommy at skiing and that he had fallen a lot and that she and I hadn't. Rage followed. Silent seething rage. I was scared, d7 knew something was wrong but couldn't pinpoint what. He dropped us off and raced off not saying bye to the girls. Insane right?

As for what you fear (the denigration campaign) I would get the book divorce poison bc it has a few sections on how to deal w this. And it sounds like you have a supportive family and are aware of what he might be capable of. You're many steps ahead of where I was.

Most people told me to just trust the system and that my fears were too outrageous to be realistic. I started to believe that he wouldn't go as nuts as he has and I wish in hindsight that I had trusted my gut, assumed the worst and prepared for it.

As long as you do that you're leaps ahead of where I was.