wanttobehealthy

xAH and I got engaged on xmas... Holidays even when things were bad, used to be the one time of year that was pleasant as a family (sort of)...

My own family of origin in their true form has been utterly unsupportive of my kids and I during this fall and all the hell that xAH has put us through... I told my mother that I was not sure of my plans for Thanksgiving and she told me that it would be best I just stay away from her house because my siblings aren't sure what to say to me and they are uncomfortable dealing with "your drama" (aka divorcing an abuser, narcissist, alcoholic).

I wont bore you all with my family of origins crap but a HUGE part of why I stayed with xAH so long was bc he was supposed to be the "new" family I would have since my own family is such a trainwreck and serves only to kick me when I am down.

So, as holidays approach, I am just really sad.

I live in the same town as my mom and all my siblings come to her house for holidays.... My kids don't understand nor should they have to why things are strained with me and all of them (hell, I don't even understand it).

For years I didn't talk about how things were with xAH because I didn't want to be told I was complaining... then I did talk about it and was told I was too whiny and they are all uncomfortable...

xAH has been on a smear campaign of me throughout our community and friends have tired of being dragged into it and pulled away.

I am as alone as I have ever felt and it just sucks especially so at holiday time.

And xAH refused to negotiate an agreement about holidays into our temporary parenting plan-- everything was left vague-- so I don't even know what my plans are for Thanksgiving... I have the girls everyday but Sunday so I guess I will just plan to have them at my house but I know damn well he will decide at the 11th hour to ask for time with them and my own lawyer has advised me to be the bigger person and be agreeable and show that I want him involved with them so I just know that it will be a day of wondering what to expect....

Sigh... The happiest time of the year-- yeah right.

Florence

Are we twins? Sisters from other mothers? I just posted something about this yesterday. I'm already feeling the blues.

Does your state have visitation guidelines? Mine has these public guidelines, so that when there is a question of where the kids are when, you look there first. They aren't hard rules (unless you have them as part of your custody agreement, which we do for holiday time) but they do give you a point to negotiate from.

My family is split. My mom thinks this is her personal divorce and her personal loss and has made it extra hard on me by undermining me left and right. Additionally, she has leaned hard on one of my sisters, who tells me now that I'm a loser and this is all a product of my choices -- my divorce, my husband's alcoholism, my finances, etc. My other sister thinks my mom is nuts and has supported me through this. This is on top of a lot of historical drama around the holidays (there was the Christmas nobody got me a present, which no one realized until after they were done with the unwrapping orgy; there was the Christmas my sister told me my son was illegitimate; numerous childhood birthdays where my parents took breaks from icing me out over some infraction for cake and ice cream, just to ice me again when it was over). I didn't complain. I suffered with it -- I thought maybe I deserved it. I was a difficult teenager and as a young adult I'd had my son "out of wedlock" and thought maybe this was the bed I should lie in. I put up with all of it because I didn't want to seem like a victim or like some kind of sad sack. But here in the end, I just feel this immense sorrow over it. I wanted support for my family and hung around looking for table scraps. Maybe all that was wrong. Maybe that's not how families are supposed to work, you know?

When I got married (we were engaged on Christmas Day), his family was, in my mind, going to take the place of my very fraught FOO. They appeared to be very inward focused and supportive of one another. What I didn't realize in my warped mind was that I was looking at a codependent nightmare between all of them. We did have some good times, but frankly, as I found my own recovery I got more and more freaked out and disgusted by their codependent behavior around the holidays. Like, it was rude not to give someone TWO cards on their birthday, but it wasn't rude when the adult sister in law showed up late to all the holiday celebrations late and empty handed. It was expected by the adult children -- not appreciated, but EXPECTED -- to receive upwards of $1000 in Christmas presents, and not get their parents anything. It always felt like I was on the outside of this circle. Eventually I realized I was still looking for table scraps, and when I stopped begging for them, I was shocked at how quickly they decided I wasn't trustworthy. The circle closed.

Finances are always rough through the holidays. I decided to take it into my own hands and interviewed for a part time job in addition to my regular job. I aced the interview, and they called me back yesterday to tell me I got it. Instead of being happy, to my surprise, I was really sad. I was sad that I'm still struggling like this after fifteen years of busting my butt. I was sad that I'm about to say goodbye to free time again. I thought I was through the "working three jobs to make ends meet" phase of my life. Turns out I'm not! It made me wish I had a partner. It was that fantasy of my sober, productive, supportive husband blowing through my life again, which makes me feel sadder than just about anything else.

I'm rambling. Some of this is within the range of normal family dysfunction, I know, but it doesn't change that the holidays have been, for me, a long history of personal disappointment and sorrow. I recognize that my goal needs to be to adjust my expectations and plan for other, healthier things than sitting around in the dark by myself on every PTO day (doesn't mean I don't want to). What that will look like, I don't know yet.

But you're not alone.

stella27

I hear you, WTBH. The holidays are really, really difficult. I think it's the hallmark-ization of them and how everything is supposed to be all perfect and our lives are so far from perfect. And then I feel awkward and out of sorts which makes me act awkward and out of sorts...

Ruby2

I am sorry that your family is unsupportive. That stinks. I can't understand it. I wouldn't wait around for your AH to decide whether and when he wants to see the children. Make plans if you can. If he calls at the eleventh hour, are you comfortable saying "sorry, I didn't hear from you. we made plans." Or something along those lines?

Holidays with alcoholics really aren't very jolly, are they? Hard to get into the spirit of things.

Hugs.

formyboys

What use to be my favorite time of year (The Holidays in general and my bday is the day after xmas) is now a time I count the days to get through. My goal is to make it through without hiding in my bathroom and crying, which seems to have become my tradition for the last 3 years.

Sorry wanttobe....when it gets really crummy remember your not alone.

wanttobehealthy

Florence- holy crap we are twins. My mother is ******** that I've told her this isn't HER divorce and that I'll deal w it my way (aka not ruining my kids lives w my own anger or smearing my ex). My lawyer wanted to talk to my mom bc she's witnessed a lot of XAH's abuse and drinking and know what my mom talked about w my lawyer? How much harder SHE had it w my dad when they divorced. She spent 2 hrs talking about herself. Then my mom reported to me that my lawyer said things to her about what an injustice I was doing to my kids by allowing XAH to see them and that I ought to violate the court order and not let him see them. I asked my lawyer about this knowing my mom was lying and sure enough she was.

We got engaged on Xmas day and I thought my family would be kind to me once XAH was on the scene bc they seemed to like him but I still was never fully treated like a part of the family- my OWN family. And xAHs family hated me for "taking him away from them" so I had this delusion that he and I would create our own healthy family of our own and fix all then things that we didn't have in our own families growing up. Yeah that didn't happen.

I have tried to accept my family where they are and be loving and kind no matter what but being treated like a pariah when I've done NOTHING wrong has been life since I was a kid. Someone had to be the scapegoat for my moms borderline personality disorder & probable narcissism. My siblings all resent her but play the game and side w her alienating me and always have.

I just hate holidays right now. It should be family time and it's bad enough that my family doesn't exist and that xAHs choices made it so we couldn't be a family but on top of that I have a lifetime of looking forward to sharing my kids on holidays and not getting to be w them each holiday.

Thanks for understanding and relating everyone who posted.

I'm sorry there's so many of us experiencing this.

It does help me feel less alone though.

wanttobehealthy

4 my boys- my goal when the time comes each week that the girls go w their dad is to make it thru drop off and exchanging them w out bawling. I see holidays being the same from now on too. This sucks.

lovefirstalways

I'm dreading the holidays- Thanksgiving, followed closely by our baby's 2nd birthday followed by Christmas. I want them to be normal but I'm starting to see that they might not ever be that way. I have to do better for my girls and that's where I am heading. But I am still deep in the throes of grief from my dad's passing and realizing I am losing my husband at the same time.