lillamy

This column (written by a man) talks about his insights about what it is that men actually do when they refer to women as "crazy" or "irrational" or "overreacting." I've been called all three by my X.

I know this is a little sideways, but I know that this is a strategy frequently used by alcoholics, men AND women, in order to get to continue drinking. - I want to say often not even consciously? And I know it's also often used against children - and I think there are few things more insidiously abusive than making a child doubt their own experiences and senses.

Anyway - this article was interesting and helpful to me so I wanted to share. Once you see that this is what's being used against you, it's easier to build defenses.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/42597...comm_ref=false

Sueski

Super article. Thank you for posting.

pattyG

Great article. i loved the definition of gaslighting. I have heard the term many times but had no real concept of what it meant.

Flicka57

Great article thanks for sharing. I had that & more done to me also. And the point that drove home for me was that although both women and men do this--men do it more often to justify their reasons for leaving a woman simply because they don't think she's entitled to her opinions and thus she's labeled as crazy.

OnlyOneProblem

Thank you so much for posting this article. It is good to read about this behavior without reference to alcohol.

" Gaslighting -- minimizing their feelings, reframing them as being unreasonable -- is classic abusive behavior. It's telling someone that they don't have a right to the way they feel because what they're feeling is wrong. Their feelings or their concerns or behavior isn't "rational." Once you take away their right to their feelings, it's that much easier to manipulate a person into the way you want them to behave".

My RAH (?) NEVER gets it. NEVER understands my feelings (when they concern him). NEVER! He is 70 days sober. He is still having trouble with Step 1. He says he hasn't really lost anything due to his drinking so maybe he isn't an alcoholic. Has not accepted responsibility for his part in the downfall of our 10 year relationship. I don't think he sees the potential end of our relationship as a loss.

We have started counseling together. I'll give that a chance. I will give him a chance to start working the steps (Says it was suggested to him that he not begin them until after 90 days sober). If he still doesn't get it....he never will and I will surrender. I go to Alanon, read every post here on SR and I'm working on me. I have a wonderful friends, supportive family, grandchildren who make me smile and many other interests and hobbies. Why do I let my relationship with him cast a shadow over the rest of my wonderful life? This could be the explanation.

coolchick

When I was little and my dad would do something horrible because he was drunk, the next day everyone would pretend like nothing happened. My mother used to say that children aren't able to remember things. I said once that I hated my dad and my mom slapped my face really hard and said no you don't - you love him.

I think it's so true that denying someone's reality - especially a child's - is abuse. Yet many of us grew up in that atmosphere of total denial that something was dreadfully wrong.

It’s no wonder many of us turn into codependents who are experts at denying our own reality. I used to get so angry at myself - still do sometimes but not so often - about believing everything my RAH said to me while he was drinking. I was told I was overreacting and crazy countless times. I was told I should be on meds. And the irony is that when I finally got into therapy he told me that therapists were stupid and couldn't help me because all they knew was my side of the story.

I know now it was just his way of protecting his drinking - if I was overreacting and crazy then there obviously was nothing wrong with him. But the trouble is there was always this doubt within me that maybe if I had done something differently - been nicer or prettier or more accommodating then maybe he wouldn't need to drink all the time. After all as he always said to me - I was the one with all the complaints.

I have a whole bookcase of self-help books (for which I also was ridiculed) and one of my most read was The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. I read it cover to cover and then again – highlighting what pertained to me, which was most of the book.

It really helped me to see the ways in which I was being “gaslighted” and I was able to respond in a way that began to minimize their effect on me and build my defenses.

Remembering those times still makes me really sad.

choublak

My father was like, the king of gaslighting. As a result, I would make friends even in grade school who would gaslight me. I remember when I first learned the name for it, I was so happy to finally be able to recognize and name it.

kudzujean

My father was an active alcoholic. He died when I was a kid, and I was never allowed to talk about his alcoholism and my real feelings about him. Until I got into Adult Children meetings.

"I said once that I hated my dad and my mom slapped my face really hard and said no you don't - you love him."

I'm sorry that happened to you. Similar things happened to me. It IS abuse when people do that to children.

LoveMeNow

Great article. I hope you don't mind but I would also like to share it with F&F of SA.

lillamy

Share away - it's not my article and the more people get educated, the better!!!

bird13

I feel like this is the #1 tactic for all alcoholics.