I've shut down.
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I've shut down.
Things aren't so good. I've completely withdrawn. This is what I did when things got messy. I would withdraw completely and shut down and just give RA a funny look when he'd say whats wrong. Or I say no, I'm fine when he asks if I want to talk. I used think that was detaching with love, or detaching period. But I think it's really stonewalling. Not a tear in sight. I almost think I preferred being a mess. At least I was feeling something.
He's out most nights of the week in outpatient or meetings. I'm doing everything. I don't think it would be so bad if didn't complain (up at 430 for work, then not home again until after 9). He says he misses me/us the kids, I'm not up when he gets home, he's lonely, by himself but he seems agitated when he's home. Or in another world. He did ask yesterday if I wanted to go anywhere, do anything. which is different, he usually doesn't ever want to leave the house (taking away from drinking0 but little had a fever and was just a mess so it wasn't a good idea to take her out. I didn't expect a completely different person after rehab but I think I did expect someone a bit lighter on their feet, maybe enlightened a little, a refreshed sense of something - at least for the beginning. He's been only been home about 2 weeks. He has asked if I want to talk but all I want to say is "you seem" "I thought" "you did" "you didn't" "You are" "you aren't" and that's not healthy or fair and it feel like like the same tape anyway. We are in a strange delicate place and I do believe it's because of me. I'm not communicating because I don't feel like saying the same things over and over and other than that I don't know what to say. I've just shut him out.
He's out most nights of the week in outpatient or meetings. I'm doing everything. I don't think it would be so bad if didn't complain (up at 430 for work, then not home again until after 9). He says he misses me/us the kids, I'm not up when he gets home, he's lonely, by himself but he seems agitated when he's home. Or in another world. He did ask yesterday if I wanted to go anywhere, do anything. which is different, he usually doesn't ever want to leave the house (taking away from drinking0 but little had a fever and was just a mess so it wasn't a good idea to take her out. I didn't expect a completely different person after rehab but I think I did expect someone a bit lighter on their feet, maybe enlightened a little, a refreshed sense of something - at least for the beginning. He's been only been home about 2 weeks. He has asked if I want to talk but all I want to say is "you seem" "I thought" "you did" "you didn't" "You are" "you aren't" and that's not healthy or fair and it feel like like the same tape anyway. We are in a strange delicate place and I do believe it's because of me. I'm not communicating because I don't feel like saying the same things over and over and other than that I don't know what to say. I've just shut him out.
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hi Meggem, what are you doing for yourself? Do you have a counsellor or go to Alanon. It might be that now the crisis is over and you and your RAH are settling into routine that all the emotions are coming out. I think you would benefit from talking to a professional.
Another thought is for you to write down your feeling in a letter to your RAH, whether you send it or not.
Another thought is for you to write down your feeling in a letter to your RAH, whether you send it or not.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Meggem,
Early recovery is such a hard time. You have so much on your plate right now, with work and children and of course your husband has returned and you don't quite know what to make of him. I have heard that for some people, when they stop drinking, it's like they lost their best friend. Certainly the recovering alcoholic has to learn how to cope with a number of emotions that he or she used to cover up by being intoxicated. It is a strange new world of sobriety for everyone.
If your husband misses you and the kids, he could discuss with his IOP / sponsor how he can make time for you in his day. Or, perhaps there is something loving that he can do for you and the kids when he gets home from meetings: make your lunches for the next day, or do the dishes from dinner, fold laundry. Perhaps you could write a quick note to him about the highs and lows of the day, and he could write a little something in response that you could read to the kids in the morning. If you both feel that there is a need for more communication, but you don't know how to do it safely, perhaps you could see a marriage counselor.
Nothing you said or did caused his drinking, and nothing you say or do now will cure it, or cause him to relapse. It's entirely up to him. As is often said around here "More will be revealed." I agree with FeelingGreat that seeing a counselor or therapist individually might help. I saw one for 9 months after I left my AH. I started seeing him for almost the exact reason you write about, I felt "shut down," and I wanted to be emotionally present for my kids. I also wanted help grieving, because to me, after the final relapse before I left, I knew my marriage was unworkable.
It seems like you guys have some hope left, some real tenderness for each other. Whatever you can do now to take time for yourself, to have a safe time and place to release some emotion, can only help.
My thoughts are with you,
B
Early recovery is such a hard time. You have so much on your plate right now, with work and children and of course your husband has returned and you don't quite know what to make of him. I have heard that for some people, when they stop drinking, it's like they lost their best friend. Certainly the recovering alcoholic has to learn how to cope with a number of emotions that he or she used to cover up by being intoxicated. It is a strange new world of sobriety for everyone.
If your husband misses you and the kids, he could discuss with his IOP / sponsor how he can make time for you in his day. Or, perhaps there is something loving that he can do for you and the kids when he gets home from meetings: make your lunches for the next day, or do the dishes from dinner, fold laundry. Perhaps you could write a quick note to him about the highs and lows of the day, and he could write a little something in response that you could read to the kids in the morning. If you both feel that there is a need for more communication, but you don't know how to do it safely, perhaps you could see a marriage counselor.
Nothing you said or did caused his drinking, and nothing you say or do now will cure it, or cause him to relapse. It's entirely up to him. As is often said around here "More will be revealed." I agree with FeelingGreat that seeing a counselor or therapist individually might help. I saw one for 9 months after I left my AH. I started seeing him for almost the exact reason you write about, I felt "shut down," and I wanted to be emotionally present for my kids. I also wanted help grieving, because to me, after the final relapse before I left, I knew my marriage was unworkable.
It seems like you guys have some hope left, some real tenderness for each other. Whatever you can do now to take time for yourself, to have a safe time and place to release some emotion, can only help.
My thoughts are with you,
B
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I've also heard that early recovery is rough - because as a wife, you've invested so much hope in him becoming sober. You want to reap the benefits of having stuck it out. You want him to come home and be genuinely apologetic and sorry and you want to be loving and forgive him and live happily ever after. Oh wait, that's not you, that's ME. That's how I imagined recovery. And the aftermath.
I think you have to give yourself permission to FEEL. Whatever it is you're feeling. Are you holding your feelings in, stonewalling as you say, because you're worried about saying awful things that will ruin his recovery? I think you can still allow yourself to FEEL those feelings. Just because HE went to rehab doesn't mean YOUR Feelings disappear.
I know right now you're pulling a heavy load, but I hope you can find an Al-Anon meeting with child are. Because HE got a lot of time and help in rehab to focus on himself - you need that time, too, even if you have to "steal" it in little increments here and there...
Hugs.
I think you have to give yourself permission to FEEL. Whatever it is you're feeling. Are you holding your feelings in, stonewalling as you say, because you're worried about saying awful things that will ruin his recovery? I think you can still allow yourself to FEEL those feelings. Just because HE went to rehab doesn't mean YOUR Feelings disappear.
I know right now you're pulling a heavy load, but I hope you can find an Al-Anon meeting with child are. Because HE got a lot of time and help in rehab to focus on himself - you need that time, too, even if you have to "steal" it in little increments here and there...
Hugs.
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Hi Meggem,
I know how you feel as I have been there over and over. it is emotional overload and you are very fragile right now.
First of all... can you take time off from work? Do you have vacation time coming or emergency time? Seriously. Exhaustion on top of everything else is draining and if you don't have time to sort these things out in your head you will be stalled.
Your A is in a very raw state and it sounds like he is trying and that is a positive. If you want to try to save your marriage the most positive way to do this is each of you be in active recovery and at the right point move forward into joint therapy with a very good counselor who understands relationship building and addiction recovery.
If you don't have time for yourself and your healing and recovery then you need to rethink your life choices If you can. This is from a card carrying workaholic. I work 12 hours a day at least and that is how I am wired from my own dysfunctional childhood. Some drink.. I work.
True peace comes from a balanced life and I am so not zen in my hardwiring... it is something I have to be conscious of and work towards. I have to force myself to get on my boat so I can't work and as soon as I pull away from the dock my entire body slows down and my brain stops racing around in my head. LOL...
Not having time for quiet time, reflection, connecting with our HP or universe (as you however you believe) and enjoying this beautiful planet strips us of "feeling". Maybe this is where you are?
Life is nothing but a series of choices... when we visualize our life's path and goals and set boundaries then we see progress in small steps.. but clearly we are moving forward.
You are worth it and never, never give up. Keep coming back and keep looking for your own way out and back into joy, peace, and serenity.
I know how you feel as I have been there over and over. it is emotional overload and you are very fragile right now.
First of all... can you take time off from work? Do you have vacation time coming or emergency time? Seriously. Exhaustion on top of everything else is draining and if you don't have time to sort these things out in your head you will be stalled.
Your A is in a very raw state and it sounds like he is trying and that is a positive. If you want to try to save your marriage the most positive way to do this is each of you be in active recovery and at the right point move forward into joint therapy with a very good counselor who understands relationship building and addiction recovery.
If you don't have time for yourself and your healing and recovery then you need to rethink your life choices If you can. This is from a card carrying workaholic. I work 12 hours a day at least and that is how I am wired from my own dysfunctional childhood. Some drink.. I work.
True peace comes from a balanced life and I am so not zen in my hardwiring... it is something I have to be conscious of and work towards. I have to force myself to get on my boat so I can't work and as soon as I pull away from the dock my entire body slows down and my brain stops racing around in my head. LOL...
Not having time for quiet time, reflection, connecting with our HP or universe (as you however you believe) and enjoying this beautiful planet strips us of "feeling". Maybe this is where you are?
Life is nothing but a series of choices... when we visualize our life's path and goals and set boundaries then we see progress in small steps.. but clearly we are moving forward.
You are worth it and never, never give up. Keep coming back and keep looking for your own way out and back into joy, peace, and serenity.
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O Megge...I know just what you mean. I too feel like I don't even feel. And sadly...I don't think I do. I have lost all feeling for this man. I just have. I don't engage and I don't feel because I don't care about him anymore in that way. I don't cry. This is not a relationship, it is me protecting my kids against a situation that could be even worse.
That being said, I do make time to do other things. I enjoy other aspects of my life immensely. I enjoy things with my family on a regular basis. I had a leg surgery in October so I had stopped going to the gym but am going back in Dec (my membership is frozen until then) because excercise helps and I need that time for MYSELF. I go to Celebrate Recovery.
Someone said, and I agree, early in recovery it is all such a change and a shock. With healing for yourself comes a flood of feelings one is not prepared for sometimes. It also comes with alot of realizations about other's behaviors we are not prepared to face.
Keep posting, you are never alone. I do truly understand and we are holding your hand every step of the way.
That being said, I do make time to do other things. I enjoy other aspects of my life immensely. I enjoy things with my family on a regular basis. I had a leg surgery in October so I had stopped going to the gym but am going back in Dec (my membership is frozen until then) because excercise helps and I need that time for MYSELF. I go to Celebrate Recovery.
Someone said, and I agree, early in recovery it is all such a change and a shock. With healing for yourself comes a flood of feelings one is not prepared for sometimes. It also comes with alot of realizations about other's behaviors we are not prepared to face.
Keep posting, you are never alone. I do truly understand and we are holding your hand every step of the way.
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Originally Posted by meggem 
We are in a strange delicate place and I do believe it's because of me.
Abso-freakin'-lutely not.
Listen, even if you are fumbling the way you are handling things right now you ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF WHY YOU ARE IN THIS DELICATE PLACE.
There would be no delicate place to be in if not for his decisions, correct? Trust me, I know.
Agree with everyone that early recovery is as hard on the spouse as it is on the addict - you HAVE to find time for yourself & recovery tools to help you learn to navigate these waters. The hard part isn't over, it is just starting IMO. For me, quitting drinking is just the beginning, bringing you to a zero point (maybe, I'm being generous here). The work, the growth, the changes really come from working your recovery.
Look at my situation Meg - my RAH seemed to really & truly remain sober with one recent, notable exception (relapse/dui) but apparantly never fully embraced the changes necessary to get him out of the addict mentality, patterns, behaviors. He didn't necessarily stop those behaviors, he got better about hiding them & justifying them, etc. So even without alcohol being a constant threat to me, everything else still spiraled out of control. I wasn't aware of how bad off he was because I stayed on my side of the street. I can honestly say it would not have mattered anyway. I couldn't have controlled it (or wanted to) & volunteering for that added stress is masochistic because the only change I could have affected is increasing my own anxiety.
Right now, MY recovery is shining despite all the complications he has added.
RAH is sitting in jail wishing he'd dropped his ego enough to fully embrace the recovery tools & support he was given instead of being in this god-awful situation.
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Originally Posted by meggem
Things aren't so good. I've completely withdrawn. This is what I did when things got messy. I would withdraw completely and shut down and just give RA a funny look when he'd say whats wrong. Or I say no, I'm fine when he asks if I want to talk. I used think that was detaching with love, or detaching period. But I think it's really stonewalling. Not a tear in sight. I almost think I preferred being a mess. At least I was feeling something.
He's out most nights of the week in outpatient or meetings. I'm doing everything. I don't think it would be so bad if didn't complain (up at 430 for work, then not home again until after 9). He says he misses me/us the kids, I'm not up when he gets home, he's lonely, by himself but he seems agitated when he's home. Or in another world. He did ask yesterday if I wanted to go anywhere, do anything. which is different, he usually doesn't ever want to leave the house (taking away from drinking0 but little had a fever and was just a mess so it wasn't a good idea to take her out. I didn't expect a completely different person after rehab but I think I did expect someone a bit lighter on their feet, maybe enlightened a little, a refreshed sense of something - at least for the beginning. He's been only been home about 2 weeks. He has asked if I want to talk but all I want to say is "you seem" "I thought" "you did" "you didn't" "You are" "you aren't" and that's not healthy or fair and it feel like like the same tape anyway. We are in a strange delicate place and I do believe it's because of me. I'm not communicating because I don't feel like saying the same things over and over and other than that I don't know what to say. I've just shut him out.
He's out most nights of the week in outpatient or meetings. I'm doing everything. I don't think it would be so bad if didn't complain (up at 430 for work, then not home again until after 9). He says he misses me/us the kids, I'm not up when he gets home, he's lonely, by himself but he seems agitated when he's home. Or in another world. He did ask yesterday if I wanted to go anywhere, do anything. which is different, he usually doesn't ever want to leave the house (taking away from drinking0 but little had a fever and was just a mess so it wasn't a good idea to take her out. I didn't expect a completely different person after rehab but I think I did expect someone a bit lighter on their feet, maybe enlightened a little, a refreshed sense of something - at least for the beginning. He's been only been home about 2 weeks. He has asked if I want to talk but all I want to say is "you seem" "I thought" "you did" "you didn't" "You are" "you aren't" and that's not healthy or fair and it feel like like the same tape anyway. We are in a strange delicate place and I do believe it's because of me. I'm not communicating because I don't feel like saying the same things over and over and other than that I don't know what to say. I've just shut him out.
Maybe hit this, see what you think and we will chat about it if you like . . .
The Family Afterward
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
( from Big Book On Line - Table of Contents )
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FireSprite...I love you. That is truly one of the best posts I have ever read. You are shining and what an inspiration you are, and you are going through so much.
Thank you for sharing...as always!!
((Hugs)) and prayers for us all!
Thank you for sharing...as always!!
((Hugs)) and prayers for us all!
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I know Fire..I know...I have read your posts and I've been praying for you.. Thanks. And thanks to everyone. RA actually called me at 7:30 this morning and said "he felt compelled to call me to apologize that I'm carrying the load and to recognize my need for help" and he went on a little bit, and it helped. Suddenly I feel like talking again. Maybe I just needed attention. Hopeful - Sometimes I feel the same way - I look at him and he looks like someone I used to know - sounds like him - feels like him but he's not - and he never will be again. Whether or not we will make it I still don't know - but I want to try. I interviewed a babysitter on Sunday - but she's a college student and will be home on xmas break and then for summer - I have an appointment for private counseling December 6th (thats only the intake apt) - So here I sit and wait and wait for the help I need - fumbling along like you said Fire.. I always feel a sigh of relief when I post here. Like I'm not alone. Funny, the other day RA said "this is not what I expected things to be like when I got home" I asked what he meant he said he didn't expect there to be so much resentment. I feel the same way - this is not what I expected either. His IOP is supposed to have a few private sessions for the spouse - maybe that will help. I should ask him to follow up on that - thanks to everyone...
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Meg, one of the biggest misunderstanding we had in the beginning was just like you said. He feels like he's come clean, is on the path to resolution, etc. Positive, forward motion. You, on the other hand, are just STARTING to feel the depth of your anger & resentments & they get tangled up & spew out in a way that doesn't even make sense to you, adding to your disassociated feeling that you really ARE crazy. You are on different pages, have different hurts, different methods of healing & sometimes feel like you are speaking different languages, right?
You aren't crazy, I promise you. Every single thing you have posted is exactly how many or all of us have felt at times.
Like you said, early recovery is an ebb & flow. My recovery tools eventually helped to ride the wave when things were good so that I could fully enjoy those parts & then detach & retreat into a self-protection mode non-aggressively in order to shield myself & DD from the bad days/parts/times. All of it together = the "work" of recovery.
In the beginning, I fumbled every play.
I remember joking that I simply learned to do it gracefully so that it looked like I was dancing instead, lol. 
You aren't crazy, I promise you. Every single thing you have posted is exactly how many or all of us have felt at times.
Like you said, early recovery is an ebb & flow. My recovery tools eventually helped to ride the wave when things were good so that I could fully enjoy those parts & then detach & retreat into a self-protection mode non-aggressively in order to shield myself & DD from the bad days/parts/times. All of it together = the "work" of recovery.
In the beginning, I fumbled every play.
I remember joking that I simply learned to do it gracefully so that it looked like I was dancing instead, lol. Member
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Sorry...not trying to hijack your thread, maybe this should be a new one. I have a question for you FireSprite. In all the craziness you are experiencing, do you feel like it has reach a finale in some way? I feel like I keep expecting some sort of finale. Last week was a backslide for me in some ways. I made him leave while he had been drinking and he manipulated my children, and my DD who I am trying to protect ended up hostile with me. Still is somewhat. It has scared me, like I need him to do some awful thing to prove and justify some changes in our lives, like him leaving or possibly me leaving.
I don't know, maybe I am just rambling and confused today. I am having a hard time with all of this. Some days are much better than others, today, not so great. I guess I am just interested in hearing your (and everyone's) thoughts on this topic.
Megge...again...huge hugs!!! Thank you so much for sharing.
I don't know, maybe I am just rambling and confused today. I am having a hard time with all of this. Some days are much better than others, today, not so great. I guess I am just interested in hearing your (and everyone's) thoughts on this topic.
Megge...again...huge hugs!!! Thank you so much for sharing.
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There are so many things that are routine in my life with kids, work, dinner, grocery shopping ,etc that it is so easy to look at "this" situation and think it "should be".. something - the novelty of his return has worn off and now we are in our usual routine-except we aren't - you all ground me. It is ridiculous to have expectations right now. What I need to do is find ways to stay afloat until I can get a program going. Of course I have shut down, I'm going to go through a ton of things, repeatedly. Easy Does It. I also think I am being too hard on myself.
Hammer thanks for the link - I read it and I'm going to print it too....
Hammer thanks for the link - I read it and I'm going to print it too....
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Sorry...not trying to hijack your thread, maybe this should be a new one. I have a question for you FireSprite. In all the craziness you are experiencing, do you feel like it has reach a finale in some way? I feel like I keep expecting some sort of finale. Last week was a backslide for me in some ways. I made him leave while he had been drinking and he manipulated my children, and my DD who I am trying to protect ended up hostile with me. Still is somewhat. It has scared me, like I need him to do some awful thing to prove and justify some changes in our lives, like him leaving or possibly me leaving.
I don't know, maybe I am just rambling and confused today. I am having a hard time with all of this. Some days are much better than others, today, not so great. I guess I am just interested in hearing your (and everyone's) thoughts on this topic.
Megge...again...huge hugs!!! Thank you so much for sharing.
I don't know, maybe I am just rambling and confused today. I am having a hard time with all of this. Some days are much better than others, today, not so great. I guess I am just interested in hearing your (and everyone's) thoughts on this topic.
Megge...again...huge hugs!!! Thank you so much for sharing.
IDK Hopeful4..... idk how I feel just yet. I'm reserving the right to have an opionion & instead honoring each emotion as it surfaces for right now. Right now, I haven't even been able to have a real conversation with him to make any assessment of how I feel.
The absolute complication for me is that I saw my AF find that "finale" as you call it. This situation mirrors so much of what we lived through with him that you can't help but go hmmmm....... different in the details, for sure, but so eerily similar in the big picture. At this point in the story, my AF DID find his humility, was able to hear his ego separate from himself & acknowledge the true changes he had to make & then live 100% by those changes until the day he passed. He really DID turn every single thing in his life around & become 1000% better as a person, finding ways to give back at every opportunity above & beyond healing the hurts he had caused. If you didn't know him before his recovery, you would have NEVER guessed he was the same person.
When he died suddenly from cancer we were literally overwhelmed with people coming to offer their respects because he had reached out to help them, had provided them someone to look up to as a positive role model & they wanted us to know he had made a difference in their lives. Some we knew about, many we have never met or even heard of. It really stuck out to me that THAT was the ultimate honor - to be so respected that people go out of their way to make sure it was known.
I know people can change because I was lucky enough to experience it. But I'm also not stupid; it's possible but still ultimately up to RAH to choose that path.
Right now, for me, I can say that he has had forward progress in his recovery compared to, say, 5 yrs ago, but he's obviously not yet fully there. The things that triggered these recent events didn't just start again, they were always happening throughout his recovery but his ego refused to accept that it was related to his drinking.
In my honest opinion, I think that over the last couple of months (& definitely since his DUI) he has seen things more clearly & was trying to come clean, make corrections, etc but got caught up in the very large web he himself had created. Too little, too late.
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Thank you for sharing that FS...I hope I did not push you into thinking about things you don't want to be thinking about. If so I am truly sorry.
What glory it had to be to see your AF not only recover but pay it forward in so many ways. Alcohol does not rob every addict of their underlying self or prevent growth in some. He obviously had good virtues and how wonderful to go full circle and see all that happen. I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is a horrible witch.
I think that part of what I am realizing is that not only do I hate who my AH is when he drinks, I don't think I care for the underlying person when sober either. Hmmm...food for thought.
Thank you for sharing your honesty with me today. I admire your growth and recovery.
Blessings.
What glory it had to be to see your AF not only recover but pay it forward in so many ways. Alcohol does not rob every addict of their underlying self or prevent growth in some. He obviously had good virtues and how wonderful to go full circle and see all that happen. I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is a horrible witch.
I think that part of what I am realizing is that not only do I hate who my AH is when he drinks, I don't think I care for the underlying person when sober either. Hmmm...food for thought.
Thank you for sharing your honesty with me today. I admire your growth and recovery.
Blessings.
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Not at all hopeful - these things help me, no hurting.
I think you are exactly right - it is who he is under the surface of the drinking that matters & whether he can get back to being that person in a new, improved version. That's exactly what I'm trying to determine.
I'll tell ya, after 4 days/nights in the cold, unfeeling cell with no supplies, clothing, no contact with the outside world & nothing but his bible & AA book, he's never had a better opportunity to figure it out for himself.
I think you are exactly right - it is who he is under the surface of the drinking that matters & whether he can get back to being that person in a new, improved version. That's exactly what I'm trying to determine.
I'll tell ya, after 4 days/nights in the cold, unfeeling cell with no supplies, clothing, no contact with the outside world & nothing but his bible & AA book, he's never had a better opportunity to figure it out for himself.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I'll tell ya, after 4 days/nights in the cold, unfeeling cell with no supplies, clothing, no contact with the outside world & nothing but his bible & AA book, he's never had a better opportunity to figure it out for himself.
Like the A's say -- Pain Is My (the A's) Train.
To the Pain!
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I'm settled for now so carry on, please..it would be my pleasure, like I am giving a little something back to you guys..and although I can't really help any of you at this point, I am very happy my thread opened up a discussion for you, fire and hopeful
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