Charmed3

I have had several really bad days! Guess I am just needing some encouragment and maybe a hug or two.

It's been 8-/1/2 weeks since I left. I had an exit plan that was going to be after the 1st of the year. Talked to attorney, pay some extra bills, stash some cash, move things out he wouldn't notice. Hopefully convince or force him to leave rather than me.

Took care of meeting with the attorney and moved a few things. But in the matter of one week, things went seriously south and I out of fear, I stepped up my exit to the end of that week. Moved out when I knew he would be gone for at least 4 hours.

Consequently I was only able to get about 15% of our belongings and had to leave the house we spent 2 years remodeling to suite us perfectly. He has the house, a 401k & pension and I have my clothes and the things I couldn't replace.

At first he was so pi**ed that I left that he said I would get nothing more. He calmed down some and then said we should be amicable. Does an alcoholic even know what that word is or means?

Papers are filed, attorney has notified plan admins to freeze retirement, requested plan documents and tempororay orders in place. In the meantime, he said he would put the rest of the things he promised I could have in the garage and I could come by and get them (what he offered is much less than 50% of the household belongings), but apparently has now changed his mind because anything else is now a "bargaining" tool on the retirement (meaning I don't ask for any of it). I guess this is about as amicable as he is going to be.

I just want to be done with this and want to move on. We can't do anything until the retirement plan admins send plan documents to my attorney and the pension has been valued. I am afraid once he finds out what I am entitled to, I am never going to see the rest of my belongings that I have worked so hard for.

Then I feel bad and guilty because there are so many here that are also struggling with an alcoholic and my problems seem trivial compared to theirs.

Going to see my therapist right after work and then an alanon meeting right after so hopefully will feel a little less tense tonight.

Thanks for letting me vent and please say prayers that documents come soon and I can keep myself calm until then.

Redheadsusie

Sending prayers and hugs- :-)

amy55

Charmed,

First I want to give you (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))).

Next down to the business. You are entitled to 1/2 of everything accumulated during the marriage. You don't need for him to agree with you, or be amicable, that is why you have an attorney. Wait till they do that quadro on his pension, or if gov pension then coap. Then you go from there.

How long have you been married?

Here for you.

My ex wanted to buy me off cheaply. Then I got a computer and realized the lousy dead that he was trying to pull off on me.

((((((((more hugs))))))))

Leana

((((hugs))))

Charmed3

Thanks Amy - we were married almost 15 years. Pre marriage he had a house - I finally had saved enough to buy and was looking so we kept his house (a fixer upper) and my money went in to it. Refinanced for a lower rate 2 yrs later, sold & bought a bigger house 9 years ago. We just finished a complete remodel of 3 rooms and put in wood flooring. Now he is trying to use the home equity without the remodel as my buyout. He keeps saying I had a house!- You didn't! And refusing the idea that my financial help increased the value of the first house and enabled us to buy the new one.

I thought he would be fair but he is either very selfish or the drinking is messing with his brain. Maybe both. We made equal money but he insists that HIS income is what carried us through.

The attorney said we could save money if we agree and I would prefer to agree but I don't think he is going to be reasonable. I gave the attorney all the funds I had and staying with friends in a tiny bedroom in case all of my check has to go for legal fees. Would love to get an apartment but I am waiting to see his behavior once the numbers are in.

At least we froze the 401k so he can't liquidate it out like he threatened to. He also threatened to make me grovel by dragging this out for a year.

More than anything it's so hard realizing how much I gave & put up with, saving him from himself and he has no respect for me or my future. It really hurts.

amy55

I'm really thinking that once funds are comingled they are 50/50. Just like an inheritance. If he kept an inheritance in his name only it is his, he puts it in a joint account or towards house repairs or house purchase in both your names its 50/50.

Don't listen to him, listen to your attorney. Of course you can save money if you agree, but find out what you are legally entitled to before you agree. It might be worth the money to fight for it.

Also what is the cost if you don't agree? They will probably make you see a mediator, if you don't agree at that point, the judge decides.

My advice, don't listen to him.

amy55

Do a little research on your own regarding the divorce laws in your state. 15 years is considered a long term relationship. You may be surprised at what you find there !!!!!