Ifeelcrazy

So today I am asking how? and why? I have been told that the "scorpio man" needs passion and intenseness for his sexual being annndddd I don't give that to him. He drinks to cope and I am a caregiver not a passionate lover that he needs. We are best friends, great partners, we get along well, no fighting, deep love and respect for each other, BUT no passion in the bedroom for me? (with the exception of when he drinks and is out seeking that passion) He says that he can not create it and I am being left over lack of ability to create passion. I feel inadequate and broken.

stella27

We call that "quacking." It's blame shifting. Everything must be your fault. Because it's not his. He was born under the sign of Scorpio and therefore incapable of forming a real relationship in which the parties work together.

It's painful to hear that stuff. I made myself hear it over and over again because I thought that at some point he would see how selfish and ridiculous that made him, and the man I married wasn't selfish and ridiculous - was he?

I'm sorry. You know what's true here.

Ifeelcrazy

I am just hurting to the core of who I am. When we met he was sober and he wanted to be with a loving and caring partner. He says that he suppressed that and that his raging passion is not being met in our relationship and the drinking made it tolerable. He has been sober 3.5 weeks and regardless of all the other relationship key factors that are awsome, that for him he needs intense passion. I feel like I need to go to some girl camp and re-learn a chapter I am missing. Nothing like lack of sexual ability to crack you.

dandylion

Dear IfeelCrazy, this is QUACKING at it's finest---believe me, when I say that the alcoholic who is trying to shift blame will find your hot buttons--your achilles heel, like no other!!
They go directly for the kill--they want to hurt you bad in order to get the spotlight off of them.

Hon, the sad part here, is that you are believing him---HE IS BLOWING SMOKE!! He is frightened and desperate.

Few things frighten a man as much as not being able to perform sexually.

Please stop beating yourself and try to wrap your mind around the REAL truth here.

This is really a very cheap shot, in my opinion.

dandylion

jaynie04

Is he telling you he is a Scorpio and that's what he needs? OMG, that takes the cake of alkie quacking, using astrology to be undermining. Tell him his rising sun probably plays a bigger part in his personality...Go online and do your own natal chart so you can talk rings around him.

Sorry, I don't mean to make light of it but that is truly nuts. His "raging passion".....OK, sista sista. Do not let a newly sober alkie make you question your own worth. I saw a lot of newly sober guys in rehab go through a crazy manic narcissistic phase when they first got sober. NOT that his behavior or criticism is acceptable by any means...he is bouncing off the walls right now and hurling out BS at anything in his path.

Please don't internalize or validate what someone who has been soaking their brain in alcohol is saying. Him spewing off his needs has nothing to do with intimacy, it has everything to do with someone who is only sober and is not working on himself. I believe that most of us who are really working on our recovery are keenly aware of our deficits, I know I am. Some of us turn it inwards, you are getting slammed by someone who is turning it outwards. I am sorry, I know it must hurt, but it really is not about you, it is not about sex, it is all about someone who needs to address more than just not drinking.

Take care of yourself and don't buy what he is selling. And don't waste your time trying to convince him otherwise, don't diminish yourself and prop him up. Keep checking in and surround yourself with people who can give you honest feedback. (((hugs)))

jaynie04

PS: i promise you that someday you will look back at the "scorpio man" comment and howl with laughter......

Ifeelcrazy

i try to think logically, as you all have presented and I thank you for the support. I guess in my heart I was feeling that true intmacy is not the raging lusty sex I can't/am not giving him. I love deeply and at a higher level of intamcy. I read a lot and read about levels of intimacy and that he may be stuck in an immature level of lust. I guess I wonder why I can not give that simple level and support its growth to wher I may be. It is hard and makes me feel so inadaquate. I do feel that he does need to work on himself and is barely sober. I guess the more natural way of healing through self help videos on "impluse control" green tea and liver detox are better than nothing. I had this wonderful caring loving man that wanted to be with me and wanted me around him, protected me and my emotions- when he was sober to this distant rejecting angry man that is not attracted to me and can't find passion for me. Is that sober loving teddybear that loves being by my side going to come back? so sad today. Working like this is hard

jaynie04

"barely sober".....you said it. The first 2 years are considered early sobriety. All sorts of stuff pops up, which is why doing it on our own is very precarious. It is often said that the drinking is but a symptom....I am in very early sobriety too....my OCD, body dysmorphia, a bunch of crap that I tamped down with alcohol is flaring up. I can see that the road ahead is long, and that I will need a lot of help.

I believe a lot of alkies vacillate between grandiosity and insecurity....I think you are seeing vestiges of that now. No relationship can sustain the spark that most of us have at the beginning. It takes maturity to appreciate that the burnished patina of history and weathering storms together blows that initial lusty period away. You sound as if you are on the mature end of the spectrum and he sounds like he is at the other end ...right now. It might change. You have mentioned what he says he's unhappy with....

What about you? I would imagine that being told you are not enough doesn't feel good. Your relationship should be a harbor in a storm. Yes, he is going through a difficult time right now...but not at your expense. Him hurling your imagined deficits at you shows me that he must be a mess. Drawing back into yourself and finding out what YOU deserve is a win/win. YOu reaffirm that you are worth being treated extraordinarily well if you are going to commit to someone. And if it doesn't work out you have started to shore up your ego as an individual. You aren't responsible for his alcoholism....he needs to figure this out for himself, with the understanding that you have boundaries. Looking to him to make you feel good about yourself puts you in a vulnerable position, I've been there and it doesn't feel good. I hated the way I felt when I was hanging on someone else to give me approval....and that behavior was doing damage to the relationship too. I do think it is more common with women, I don't mean to be sexist, I just believe that our society sets it up that way. We are bombarded with media that attaches sexuality to everything. It is very hard not to absorb that message when it is so prevalent.

I don't think that our relationships stay the same after we get sober. I started a thread about that last week. When one person changes dramatically everything shifts. I believe the healthiest relationships result when both people feel fulfilled as individuals, it takes time and patience, but also mutual respect. I think he has broadcasted loud and clear what he deserves ..what about what you deserve?

dandylion

Dear Ifeelcrazy--this is not about sex. It is about alcoholism and how all of us who are connected to the alcoholic get sucked into the craziness. They are sick and we become just as sick.

I gently urge you to keep on reading and educating yourself about this disease and go to an alnon meeting as soon as you can.

dandylion

Hammer

3.5 weeks says it all.

mho, fully expect the first 3. 5 MONTHS (or more) to be a Wacky Land Zone.

That is why the really smart folks ship *them* off to rehab for 90 days -- so they do not have to deal with this loony nonsense.

Sounds like Crazy Crap. You are likely to hear Plenty More Crazy Crap.

Get some distance to a safe zone. Watching a circus is more tolerable if you are not down in the ring with the elephant poop and all.

When we start into Alanon Fancy Talk -- we call that Detachment.

--------------------

Still laughing at the 3.5 weeks part. About that time (Mrs. Hammer did a 3 week rehab -- because only "she" was soooo smart, soooo clever, soooo already knows everything, only "she" could do that, yeah, right. ).

Anyway -- at three weeks, Mrs. Hammer was about laying on the floor, drooling, and speaking in demon voices. No joke. Funny looking back. Real BIG Drama-Trauma for me and the kids at the time.

Good Luck, this too shall pass.

Ifeelcrazy

I tried to help ship him off... but my insurance will only give him `15days and I can not afford or we can not afford the balance. I don't know how it is done out there. Financially no way. I did get him into out patient, but he quit after the first day saying he is not that far down the rabbit hole. He was a wonderful loving man when he was sober, the person I don't provide passion for or at least he says I have never sparked that in him, is the opposite of the sober man I met. I am a miserable mess and guess what! I am a teacher and trying to educate people when I am an emotional mess is challenging.

spiderqueen

Please do not internalize the ravings of a newly recovering alcoholic!

I know how hard that is to do, Ifeelcrazy. First hand. As do we all here at SR. I am so glad you are coming here to check in, and I second/third the suggestion to get face-to-face support as well - Alanon is great, and free, and you might consider individual counseling as well. Someone who specializes in addictions is best.

You can't control his crazy quacking and behavior, but you CAN control your reaction to it, and how much it rules your life and emotional well-being. Your students need you, YOU need you. He can not be your emotional compass right now. He probably can barely tie his own shoes.

No, this is not what we imagined from our life partner. But this is the current reality for you, and many here on this forum. Surround yourself with people who have your back.

Take care, and stay with us!

lillamy

Babe,

My ex wasn't a scorpio (but then again I don't particularly believe in astrology) HOWEVER, if your dude is anything like my alkie was -- you will never measure up. Not because there's a darn thing wrong with YOU, but because an alcoholic will always find a reason to drink. You could be a flippin' porn star in the bedroom and then he'd have to drink because you can't make apple pie like his mama used to make it. Or something.

I almost twisted myself into a pretzel trying to do all the things AXH told me (or I thought) I needed to do in order to "make it possible for him to stop drinking." I gave up everything I loved doing before I met him and pretty much made my life about Making His Life So Easy That He No Longer Had To Drink.

Guess what? He still drank. I was too fat. My boobs were too saggy. He didn't like my hair that short (I tried really hard to make it grow ). Etc.

And once I got off that roller coaster, it took me a while, but now I can see how absolutely nutty it was to think like that. Because the only thing it would really take for him to stop drinking was for him to decide to stop drinking.

Ifeelcrazy

lillamy, thank you. He isn't making demands he is just saying we aren't wired the same. My love and caring and being a partner is not enough for his passionate scorpio side. Very very hard to hear. I don't know how to do that or how to dig deep into me for that. He does say it is him and he has tried, it is just not there. When he was sober, He loved and enjoyed me and we had plenty of bedroom exercising. Now..."we are best friends, but he needs more for his "sign" than a friendship and loving partner." It is like the one thing I can not fix.

Wisconsin

And that's exactly why he says it.

He doesn't say "hey honey, can you rinse your dishes off before you put them in the dishwasher?" He doesn't say "sweetie, I would appreciate it a lot if you would call me when you arrive safely at your mom's house after the 8-hour drive." He is deliberately quack quack quacking about the very nature of who you ARE, because:

1. He knows it will cut you to the core because this isn't just a bad habit or an issue of courtesy that is easily remedied with some effort, and by making you feel like crap about yourself you are less likely to be focused on his bad behavior;

2. It is easier for him to focus on some made-up ridiculousness about YOU than it is for him to take a long hard look at his own behavior; and

3. He is sick and crazy and this is what sick, crazy people do.

Seren

Wow....that sounds like a lot of ego-driven, self-centric drivel. And yes, we would call that 'quacking' around here.

Jeez I'm sorry you had to hear such nonsense, and no, you are not crazy, btw. You deserve so much more!

wellnowwhat

He is QUACKING! Alcohol and his low self esteem affect his sexual ability. He can't take responsibility, or action, so instead he blames you.

Please don't put much weight onto this awful blame-shifting. He has successfully moved the conversation away from him (except as him being a victim) and onto your supposed faults. Do not take the bait.

Doesn't get much lower than that!

I would also wonder if he really is sober, but then I would let that go, because it's not my monkey, not my circus.

hopeful4

That first part made me truly laugh...Thank You! I am very nervous, going to marriage counseling in about 15 mins and I am going to be basically repeating that my husband is Quack Quack Quacking about alot of stuff...should be a real hoot.

Ifeelcrazy

Thanks to all. It is hard to let go of a BFF and love that when sober completes me.

Seren

You are complete in and of yourself