SteppingStone

I just need some advice & your thoughts on this.

Im quite new to this (3 days) so for those who haven't read my story before, I'll quickly go through the important parts before getting to the question.

My recovering alcoholic/addict boyfriend of 5 years, moved out 3 weeks ago telling me he needs to concentrate on his own recovery and his own head - he is almost 7 months clean & sober. I must mention that I got him started with these meetings after asking around and stuck by him through the highs & lows, supporting him financially as well as emotionally, so you can imagine the sudden shock when he left. He told me not to put my life on hold and start meeting people, which is VERY unlike him to say. He said he will cut contact if that's what I would prefer and he will make it a priority to pay me back for the van I bought him a few months ago. The reason I mention all this is because he seems very willing to finalise everything so soon.

I found this site 3 days ago and have been reading other people's stories and getting advice about my own. However, I have also read a lot of the addict leaving their partners for other people. This thought never crossed my mind but all of a sudden, tonight, this thought has come into my head and I cant stop thinking about it. As I am trying the 'No Contact' approach, I do not want to ask him but Id also like to think that he would have the decency to tell me as we never actually fell out and throughout his recovery he has told me he will NEVER INTENTIONALLY hurt me or LIE to me as he's taking his recovery programme very serious.

Soooo...............my question is:

Is it normal behaviour of a recovering alcoholic/addict to just up & leave or is the real reason that there is another woman involved?

If this is the case, it will take me straight back to the initial pain & shock of the day he moved out.

Am I just being paranoid???

NWGRITS

No one can tell you that he's *not* seeing someone else. However, if he's seriously working a program, then he probably has just taken the steps that HE needs to find recovery for HIMSELF. Just waking up and getting through the day is hard enough for the newly sober A, and any find that maintaining a relationship is too much for them to juggle with the recovery walk. An unhealthy relationship doesn't become healthy just because the A found sobriety. There's a lot of work to do on both of your parts, regardless of whether you are together or not. It's not uncommon for people to get into recovery and realize that they really don't like each other a whole lot. Sometimes the RA will realize that their partner's raging codependency is something they aren't going to live with anymore and they leave. Sometimes they go crazy and find someone else and the cycle starts all over again. He doesn't owe it to you to stick around just because you sacrificed yourself to be his codependent gf and enabler. At the time you weren't helping him, you were nagging/attacking/maintaining the status quo. He chose to get sober for HIMSELF, not for you. If you were expecting credit, you won't get it. He has to do what is best for HIM, and that may mean doing it without you.

SteppingStone

Straight to the point NW!

NWGRITS

I'm not one to sugarcoat things, but I also don't mean to come across harshly. I rarely ever post from a computer, so I try to get it out in as few characters as possible on my phone. It doesn't always work out so well!

SteppingStone

Thanks,

I do know what you're saying is true though. It is just because it is still very new and raw to me at the moment. I just wish I could press a Fast Forward button to the time when I am happy again.

jacrazz

I'm a newbie who is a few months out of VERY traumatizing breakup up from an alcoholic so I know how you feel! I can't begin to wrap my brain around what my Exab is thinking. One thing I will say is that others on here speak from experience and I take what they say very seriously! NWG happens to be one of those that does not sugarcoat but can you imagine what she has gone through to able to come on here and perhaps give a real perspective of things..... I can't imagine where I would be if it wasn't for SR! ((Hugs))

m1k3

Hi guys! It took me a while of being on this site and attending AlAnon before I figured something pretty important to me out.

That is, I don't need someone else to make me complete. I am enough just as I am. When I turned my attention to making me better rather than trying to figure out what my AW was thinking I started to heal. From her, from the pain, from my Codie craziness, from all sorts of stuff that had dominated my thinking for so long.

So, it does get better and if you work a program it gets better faster. I have developed self esteem and I have learned to love me simply because I'm worth it.

Your friend,

SteppingStone

Thanks guys. I know I will be happy again 1 day but I just wish I could Fast Forward to that time because this is so painful & lonely. I will keep coming back here though as I do find that it is lifting my mood and giving me hope when I'm feeling at my lowest point (which is a lot lately). I am taking all advice on board.