unchartedxo

So, I posted here yesterday for the first time. About that "feeling of hopelessness" the morning after a binge-a-thon. I was at the bottom of the barrel yesterday... the memories of what did happen, the periods of time I don't remember... all of it makes me cringe. With my historical pattern, I know I won't even THINK about drinking for... a month? maybe a week? but then that time will come. just like it came last sunday. when I am out with friends, they invite me to the bar to watch the game, and next thing you know I drink until I pass out. and everytime I start drinking, I think to myself "what's the big deal? EVERYONE ELSE can drink once a week, get drunk and be perfectly OK with it". and I think yea, I am too hard on myself.

Why is it that I have such short term memory of the "day after" feeling? It's like I convince myself that just because it's socially acceptable to drink "once in a while" I should do it too. I can go months without a drop of alcohol and be PERFECTLY HAPPY and proud of myself... and then that one day comes and I think "why not!!" Short term memory theory sucks. I am scared that right now, the memory of my shame and disappointment in myself is too vivid now, but come this weekend.............

Skye2

When the withdrawals are just not worth the drinking, you'll know

doggonecarl

AA's Big Book explains it quite well:

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

doggonecarl

The solution is also contained in the Big Book. Copies are online. Give it a read.

dayover

I was like that too. People used to rail into me all the time "You know how you get when you're drunk, why do you drink so much? You should have learned your lesson by now."


I would never learn my lesson. I will never be able to consistently moderate. Had to quit entirely. I'll share something that helps me.

This weekend is my birthday. My AV is telling me that it's my birthday, I am expected to celebrate with all my friends and "get wasted" as they would on their birthday. At first glance this seems like a great idea. But I've learned to identify this as alcoholic thinking. And then I make myself "play out the tape"

Sure I may drink and for the first little while, I may even enjoy myself. But I will quickly enter a black out. Not only could I ruin my birthday, I will ruin the time and fun of everyone around me. I could be kicked out (perhaps banned) from wherever I am. I could wake up with such a bad hangover that I'm out of commission for a few days; puking, shakes, too sick to move all the good stuff. I will be throwing away then past (almost 3) months of sobriety. All the progress. I will disappoint myself and most importantly I will be arrogantly thinking I am in control of my drinking - when I know I'm not.


There is so much that could and WOULD happen to me - all negative - if I picked up. It's not worth the risk. Not when living sober has proven to be so much more enjoyable and important. Play the whole tape. Avoid social situations that involve drinking.