Eve13

I know each of you understand, and many have BTDT.

I've been reading here on SR, my husband and I have gone to a trusted therapist and have met with our son and his counselor. I've gone to a couple AlAnon meetings but haven't yet felt a good fit. Unfortunately, he continues to test positive, and the court is becoming increasingly tired of this. He had a 3-day inpatient rehab stay awhile ago, we pretty much felt he was trying to game the system. This has been confirmed with his continued use. On Friday, he initially agreed to go to rehab and in front of his counselor scheduled to go today at 5pm. We told him rehab or leave, as we suspect he is still gaming. We will not tolerate continued violation of probation (after several opportunities for counseling/AA etc, enough is enough) After rehab we told him he needs to go to a sober living environment as he wouldn't be able to come home until he has demonstrated he can be clean. (as determined by his counselor at a future point in time)

Well, under much duress we took him to rehab. We continually told him this is his choice. Probably jail or rehab. He told us he will kill himself there and in fact had 'hid' (poorly) a full bottle of Tylenol in his socks, which I took. He refused to have us come in with him, then texted about 3 minutes later that he was leaving and was going to live on the street. We texted back "ok".

I've updated his counselor and his lawyer since he has a hearing this week, and really don't know if he stayed or left. I did take his house key so he cannot come in if we are not home.

This is the right decision on our part to take care of ourself. His journey is his own. We have not been doing him any favors allowing him to be at home. But boy, does this suck. And I pray that he finds a HP that will look over him.

LoveMeNow

I am sorry. I am sure this was a painful but necessary decision.

I don't know......but I would love to go to rehab for 30 - 90 days and just work on me. However, because I am not an addict, I, too, have to make the hard choices but feel comfort now knowing I am taking care of me.

overit263

I swear, since they go to rehab, there needs to be a trip to hawaii for us for the same duration! It's always irritated me that we have to keep going on with our day to day no matter how hard things are or how stressed we become due to to the addict behavior!

Eve13

Absolutely feel that a trip to Hawaii is in order! Especially since we just got a text to go F ourselves. Jeez. It's not our problem. We didn't cause it. We can't control it. We can't cure it. Heaven help us. Parenting and being a parent of an addict isn't for the faint of heart.

LoveMeNow

Funny, because if we thought a trip to Hawaii would get our addicts clean, we would find away. For ourselves??? Too busy, can't afford it, the list can go on and on.

I think it helps to look at them like a 2 yr old, just not treat them that way.

jjj111

Eve, I admire your courage for taking away his key! It sounds like your home will be a much more peaceful place now. We all deserve a little peace and quiet in our own homes. I'm praying your son will eventually seek out his own peace and quiet! Hugs!

lizwig

Hi Eve, another Mom here. It is so difficult establishing and maintaining boundaries. Just this week I was told that it was my boundaries that caused my son to do more drugs. When they are in active addiction they are so good at placing blame...on anyone but themselves. I did respond to the text...couldn't sit on my hands fast enough...i just said "boundaries are for me, not to punish you. When I hear you accepting responsibility for your current situation I will know you are experiencing positive change. I love you and believe in you". He didn't respond..they usually stop when you won't engage. I feel for you. Such a bummer him getting so close to help to have a meltdown once there. How old is your son? Mine almost 23...nearly 6 years in with sporadic periods of sobriety (mainly from being in jail). Big hug to you tonight.

JanJan

So proud of you!! Your home will feel like Hawaii with the addiction chaos at bay!! Enjoy the peace!! My guess is, you haven't had much of that. I just typed up a lengthy post to you and hit an incorrect button and lost it!! Dang it!! Anyway...The long and short of it is this...My now 5 month sober son (2 years + opiates, etc) said that the fear of being homeless again was what did it for him. Sleeping outside in an unheated storage unit or pop-up trailer in 30 degree weather apparently isn't much fun. I remember that he called me one of those cold nights at 11pmish asking for a couple bucks for smokes and food. He said he was cold and hungry. Boy, did I want to rescue him! It would just take a few minutes...jump in the car, meet up with him, give him money, a hug and then...I WOULD FEEL BETTER!! You see, I had done that before and that was a great feeling to rescue my baby. But we all know what rescuing does...It does lots of things including delaying the inevitable. I knew that call would eventually come and I was strong ( unloving, callous, mean, heartless, rotten...no smart!!) I played the cool, calm, boundary abiding Mom. I then told him that I loved him and hung up the phone. I cried and then found myself wiping my tears and saying the Serenity Prayer out loud!! It helped me through that tough few minutes. I then went to bed knowing that I made a huge step in my recovery and that maybe, just maybe it might help my son do the same. That was nearly a year ago and my beautiful son is bright eyed, kind and embracing a life of sobriety by working at it daily!! Just wanted to share and give you a SR hug!! Stay strong, keep sharing and reaching out and wiggle your toes in the sand in your living room!! You deserve it!!

PhotoArtist

I have been saying this for years! Hawaii sounds nice, but I would totally take 5 days locked inside of a room with my Mac, iPad (full of ebooks), an internet connection and a TV. I could edit sooooo many photos and read sooooo many novels. Oh, how wonderful that would be! There should be 5-10 day rehabs for loved ones of an addict!

PhotoArtist

You are right, it does suck. But it is the best thing for all of you, your son included. Hopefully a few nights of living on the street will be his "rock bottom". If not, when he has truly hit rock bottom and has had enough he will surrender to his HP and get the help he needs. Have faith. And in the meantime, read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

cynical one

Along with codie boot camps, and codie interventions there are actually many codie inpatient rehabs available now if anyone is serious about wanting the help.
I would doubt if they are covered by insurance though as codependency is not considered a disease...yet.

pravchaw

Actually in Canada, codependents are covered by insurance. They call it PTSD. Living with an addict is no different from living in Afghanistan.

BTW eve, what is he testing positive too. Pot tests positive in the urine for 4 to 6 weeks after last use because THC is fat soluble and is released slowly. This is the reason why its so difficult to quit.

PhotoArtist

Codependence definitely needs to be added to the DSM. I need codie rehab and I have medical insurance!

bluebelle

I have BTDT with my stepdaughter. She has been to court-ordered rehab several times. After they let her out of the last rehab, she was back to playing the games within a month. About once a month, she is picked up for probation violation (dirty urine). They keep her a few days, and she goes back to the shelter.

rowd44

I read the quote that may help with understanding how important it is for him to make the decision. I don't care if you spend your life in rehab or in AA you would change until you become willing...willing to seek advice and apply the ideas.

A Man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

overit263

Holy Moly! I need to move to Canada! Although I must really say, that living without the addict anymore, is much easier than the past 8 years has been. Sure I had a good cry last night for 15 minutes watching Dereck on Netflix, thinking about possibly not growing old with a partner, and then after a few minutes I thought, it's about quality, and not quantity and being alone beats the mayhem of living like that anymore. Don't get me wrong, he was in recovery most of the times as far as I know, but the two times that I did catch him, he was kicked out. I feel for all of the parents out there with a child with addiction. My exah's parents are also addicts so it's not like I could have ever felt comfortable talking to them about his addiction.

needingabreak

Many hugs to you Eve. Another mom here who has gone through this. I am so happy to see you have your boundaries in place. The sooner you stop enabling, the sooner he has to make the decision for himself. When he starts feeling really uncomfortable, hopefully he will call you to say he's had enough. They have to want it for themselves. You're right, it does suck. Totally. We took our son's key away and we had to tell him he could no longer work for us. It was hard and we hated doing it but we knew we had to. For him. Within a week he called us. His car had broken down as well and now he had no car, no money, no job and his GF and he were breaking up and she didn't want him staying there. It is the hardest thing I believe we have to do as parents. I always say that if you have not gone through this hell, you could never possibly understand. Make sure you take care of yourself and I pray he comes back soon to ask for help. As a side note, a parent in a group I go to for parents of children with substance abuse was commenting how angry she was because she was home upset, angry, sick with worry and her son was talking about palm trees and a trip to Universal. lol Of course that was one day in 30 where he is working on himself pretty much non stop all day but hearing that sent her over the edge. It does seem like there should be an oasis for the parents at the same time doesn't it?

lizwig

Thanks JanJan and needing a break, I especially needed to hear the esh you offered to eve this morning. As its been said before...parenting an addict isn't for weenies...and its certainly no cakewalk for partners either. Let's all go do something super fun and nice for ourselves today.

Eve13

Thank you all. I know I am not alone. He did not choose to leave rehab yesterday. He is still there but very angry and states he is on a lot of meds and he said it seems he quit school just to get high in rehab. Now, I know that isn't true. They may have him on a mood stabilizer as he is scary-angry right now, but I'm sure he's not getting high. I reminded him his choices, his consequences to stay or leave, and to direct his anger at his addiction.

I am working hard at staying strong, saying my prayers, but the tears are close to the surface today. And that's just the way it will be for now. Hawaii? Sure feels like Hell.

Please, parents, what did you tell your addicts grandparents of what is going on? We don't know if we should say something or not. Advise?

lizwig

Hi Eve, I protected my son's addiction from other family for quite awhile. When I did decide to talk about it I only gave them the headlines, not all the details to the story. I said "T is really struggling at the moment, he has been abusing drugs, at this point he is not willing to go to treatment and despite our efforts is insistent he doesn't have a problem. I want you to be aware so you don't unknowingly support his addiction by giving him money or bailing him out of jams. Please do not "help" him behind our backs. We need a united front on this". They had some questions which I answered as honestly as I could. I tried to leave as much emotion as I could out of it because I knew once they were aware they would worry about both of us, not just him. There is no easy way to do this, and I found that my mom had been helping him out with money unaware there was a problem. You are in my thoughts. I'm sorry any of us are having to deal with this.