this.sucks
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Agree with Lizwig. My wife's mother (88 now) was a big enabler as she had no clue about addiction. I and her had a fallout, with she accusing me that I was the reason for my son's addiction (at that time my younger son was into pot as well). She claimed we had no love for our children etc. etc.
My son moved into her apartment and then she experienced first hand the joys of addiction - getting high at all hours, late nights comings and goings, laziness, unreliability and even stealing. She "reformed" in a hurry and though has never apologized (not in her nature), she does understand and has stopped all enabling. She had set up a large trust fund for my son and she has now dissolved the trust so that his addiction does not get hold of it. My wife has now control of the money and we don't plan to give it until he recovers or we die, whatever comes first.
My son moved into her apartment and then she experienced first hand the joys of addiction - getting high at all hours, late nights comings and goings, laziness, unreliability and even stealing. She "reformed" in a hurry and though has never apologized (not in her nature), she does understand and has stopped all enabling. She had set up a large trust fund for my son and she has now dissolved the trust so that his addiction does not get hold of it. My wife has now control of the money and we don't plan to give it until he recovers or we die, whatever comes first.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
HI Eve,
We had to tell some family members because my son's girlfriend started telling people and we were afraid the family members older kids would hear it and tell so we felt forced to tell. However, we only told my mother-in-law and not my parents who live in another state and would not hear it from anyone. We felt they have enough going on. MY son, luckily, never stole from anyone nor did he try to ask for money. He just spent every cent of his own and has some bad credit now from not paying his debt. It really is a tough decision. We have had nephews who had a drug problem on my husband's side so his Mom has dealt with it already and is pretty even keeled and good about it. My nephew stole from her unfortunately so she has seen the ugliness of it, along with my other nephew dying this past January from an overdose. Do whatever you are comfortable with. Our biggest worry was them hearing from someone else.
We had to tell some family members because my son's girlfriend started telling people and we were afraid the family members older kids would hear it and tell so we felt forced to tell. However, we only told my mother-in-law and not my parents who live in another state and would not hear it from anyone. We felt they have enough going on. MY son, luckily, never stole from anyone nor did he try to ask for money. He just spent every cent of his own and has some bad credit now from not paying his debt. It really is a tough decision. We have had nephews who had a drug problem on my husband's side so his Mom has dealt with it already and is pretty even keeled and good about it. My nephew stole from her unfortunately so she has seen the ugliness of it, along with my other nephew dying this past January from an overdose. Do whatever you are comfortable with. Our biggest worry was them hearing from someone else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Ug. All gets revealed over time, eh? Our son did a serious suicide attempt at the substance abuse facility this evening. He called to tell me goodbye and when we hung up I called the facility to go to his room immediately. He had stripped a wire, had it wrapped around his chest and was ready to insert a fork into a 220 line. He is now in an ER waiting to go to a psych facility. So, we will need to divulge some of this to the IL's. My heart is broken.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I'm so sorry Eve. You, your son and your family are in my prayers. Thank goodness he was in a facility that could intervene straight away. We've dealt with threats....but not actual attempts (to our knowledge). Those are the calls that have the ability to paralyze us with fear. And often hold us hostage, afraid of what may be next. Big, big comforting hug to you tonight.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Son called last night from psych facility. So very angry. At us. At that place. Anger directed everywhere but at himself. If pain is a motivator, I wonder what it will take to get him mentally to a better place. This just seems so completely out of control, but it is his journey, his destiny, and he feels death is his only option. Court is too much, school is too much and he has dropped out of the semester, life is just too much. We have been assured that setting the limits of not using or leaving the home are reasonable, yet that feels like the catalyst for all of this, as he is focused on being "homeless" and chooses not to hear that he will have a home once he is clean and sober, and committed to recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Eve,
A lot of this sounds very familiar to me. Sometimes its hard to read on here- because my DS has been sober for over 9 months- and posts like these trigger memories that I'd love to forget. But, its good to give others hope and also remind myself that I'm only a relapse away from the madness returning.
My RAS fought rehab very hard- mostly because he was scared. He even took off at rehab a couple of times.(Although he always came back- when he realized that he really didn't have any other options) He threatened suicide whenever we'd tell him he'd have to leave our home due to his alcoholism. He even had a weak attempt at sober living that required an ambulance ride to the ER. He was angry at us for "not loving him and putting him on the streets". They will use any manipulation they can think of to get back to their comfortable place.
A year ago, I thought my DS had major mental health issues. He was depressed, abusing alcohol, threatening suicide. I can remember asking my DH- what is wrong with him? We're both health professionals, and could not figure it out. All we knew was that there was something wrong with him, but there was nothing else that we could do to fix it. We had done everything. Everything.
It took him hitting bottom and knowing that we were really done- to finally get how bad his life was with alcohol. He is now sober and working full time. He's attending classes part time and trying to figure out what he should do with the rest of his life. He is hopeful and part of our family again. He told me last night that he is very happy with his sober life.
I don't know what your DS's drug of choice is- but until they have some long periods of sobriety- they really are out of their minds. He could have mental health issues- but my DS's are gone now that he's sober.
A lot of this sounds very familiar to me. Sometimes its hard to read on here- because my DS has been sober for over 9 months- and posts like these trigger memories that I'd love to forget. But, its good to give others hope and also remind myself that I'm only a relapse away from the madness returning.
My RAS fought rehab very hard- mostly because he was scared. He even took off at rehab a couple of times.(Although he always came back- when he realized that he really didn't have any other options) He threatened suicide whenever we'd tell him he'd have to leave our home due to his alcoholism. He even had a weak attempt at sober living that required an ambulance ride to the ER. He was angry at us for "not loving him and putting him on the streets". They will use any manipulation they can think of to get back to their comfortable place.
A year ago, I thought my DS had major mental health issues. He was depressed, abusing alcohol, threatening suicide. I can remember asking my DH- what is wrong with him? We're both health professionals, and could not figure it out. All we knew was that there was something wrong with him, but there was nothing else that we could do to fix it. We had done everything. Everything.
It took him hitting bottom and knowing that we were really done- to finally get how bad his life was with alcohol. He is now sober and working full time. He's attending classes part time and trying to figure out what he should do with the rest of his life. He is hopeful and part of our family again. He told me last night that he is very happy with his sober life.
I don't know what your DS's drug of choice is- but until they have some long periods of sobriety- they really are out of their minds. He could have mental health issues- but my DS's are gone now that he's sober.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Originally Posted by Eve13 
And I pray that he finds a HP that will look over him.
I highlighted your thoughts above just to remind you that your son's HP does not need your son to find him. Your son's HP is working on his behalf whether your son is aware of it or not! HP is good!!
Sojourner (also a MOAS).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Thank you sojourner and Hopefulmom. I appreciate both of your words of wisdom. It is so HELPFUL to hear that there is hope, and that other kids have reacted the way our son is now. His DOC is pot and ETOH. One day at a time.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Eve this anger is completely normal for an addict in rehab.
Don't take verbal abuse or anger toward you. They are out of wack...at the moment.
I didn't want to talk to my son in rehab. Before rehab he was disrespectful to me (first time ever) and during rehab he didn't want to talk to me.
I remember the first time he called...2 weeks later. He started complaining. I said...take it with the staff/casemanager. I am sure they can help.
I was hardcore. He left 2 weeks into it and called me from a payphone.... He was 3 hours away with no money. He called me of course. "Can you help?" he asked. "No" was my reply. He had to figure a way.
He ended up going back to rehab and successfully stayed. In my mind, I didn't NOT want my active addict son back....it was to painful for me.
Don't take verbal abuse or anger toward you. They are out of wack...at the moment.
I didn't want to talk to my son in rehab. Before rehab he was disrespectful to me (first time ever) and during rehab he didn't want to talk to me.
I remember the first time he called...2 weeks later. He started complaining. I said...take it with the staff/casemanager. I am sure they can help.
I was hardcore. He left 2 weeks into it and called me from a payphone.... He was 3 hours away with no money. He called me of course. "Can you help?" he asked. "No" was my reply. He had to figure a way.
He ended up going back to rehab and successfully stayed. In my mind, I didn't NOT want my active addict son back....it was to painful for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Eve,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I saw what the drugs did to my husband, he became so mean, selfish, and bitter, even though normally he would have a heart of gold with a very positive attitude. Addiction has a way of isolating the user from their loved ones and everything good in their life. Their sense of reality is distorted to justify their anger and drug use.
Keep leaning on your higher power and know that we are all here to support you. Sending you and your family a big hug.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I saw what the drugs did to my husband, he became so mean, selfish, and bitter, even though normally he would have a heart of gold with a very positive attitude. Addiction has a way of isolating the user from their loved ones and everything good in their life. Their sense of reality is distorted to justify their anger and drug use.
Keep leaning on your higher power and know that we are all here to support you. Sending you and your family a big hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support, it means a great deal. Have been playing tag with his outpt SA counselor who is advising us the course we are encouraging is the right one - after the MH hospital, back to inpatient rehab. Then a sober recovery home.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
What a rough week. AS was discharged after 5 days inpatient psych back to the SA inpatient facility yesterday. He seems calmer on the outside, but not sure about how he feels on the inside. It was a quiet ride from one facility to the next. He is asking for his textbooks, so I will run them over to the facility, and they have a family meeting from 10-1130 which I told my spouse I feel we need to go. He doesn't want to, as he is so very angry at his use and behavior. It's ok for us to be on separate pages, I can only be in charge of me, right? But that adds tense feelings to a time we both are on edge.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi Eve, I'm sure this has been a very emotionally trying week for you. I'm glad your son is back at inpatient and asking for his books. I do think it's understandable that you and your husband are at different points...My husband has a very non-emotional matter of fact approach to my son's addiction and there are times it has really served me well. He will support my decisions but sets a good example for me of not getting caught up in the drama. Sounds like your husband may need to see some positive action from your son to believe this time is different. I will be thinking of you today, a lot to be processed at your session.
I was reminded earlier this week of my powerlessness. It sounded as if my son was at a turning point, he reached out, we reached back, told him we are still willing to pay for rehab. It took him 2 days to read the message and hasn't bothered to acknowledge it. I guess I threw him a purple life preserver when he really wanted white. At least he is thinking about what change might look like. Hang in there...Big hug to you
I was reminded earlier this week of my powerlessness. It sounded as if my son was at a turning point, he reached out, we reached back, told him we are still willing to pay for rehab. It took him 2 days to read the message and hasn't bothered to acknowledge it. I guess I threw him a purple life preserver when he really wanted white. At least he is thinking about what change might look like. Hang in there...Big hug to you
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Eve...I have been there with my daughter (age 19). She attempted suicide in jail. She attempted suicide at home. Drugs were always in her system.
They often don't feel there is a way out. There are to defiant or stubborn to allow anyone to help them. I am not sure, about denial, at this point. I know my daughter knew she had a problem she just couldn't think clearly to see anything else or feel anything else but the pain.
She is much better now. She is on probation for another 3 years. Still struggles with depression. Although she is no where near the severity that she was. She still doesn't reach out as she should. This is her journey right?
They often don't feel there is a way out. There are to defiant or stubborn to allow anyone to help them. I am not sure, about denial, at this point. I know my daughter knew she had a problem she just couldn't think clearly to see anything else or feel anything else but the pain.
She is much better now. She is on probation for another 3 years. Still struggles with depression. Although she is no where near the severity that she was. She still doesn't reach out as she should. This is her journey right?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Lizwig, yes, he needs to see positive change before he believes. I am encouraging baby steps for each of us. for example, husband is getting upset about the future "when" AS comes home and my mother/enabling behavior. Reminded him that isn't today, we have a lot to learn from here to then, I can only deal with today, and can't worry about something that may or may not happen in the future. I am just tired. Done. He honestly cant move home until he has been in sober recovery. And until we know how to appropriately parent an addict. Detached loving. Need to figure this out!
Txhelp, yes, defiant, stubborn. Difficult temperament. I hope she is talking with a good counselor for her depression, and yes, her journey. But our hearts, right?
Txhelp, yes, defiant, stubborn. Difficult temperament. I hope she is talking with a good counselor for her depression, and yes, her journey. But our hearts, right?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I think we just have to patient and give them the time and space to deal with this. Addiction took years to develop and it won't be gone in days or even months. With each experience (positive or negative) both our loved one and we learn. In my family I am the more action oriented (and my wife hangs back). I think I have to take a step back and she has to take a step forward.
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