feel like crud - 60 days Friday MJ Addict
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feel like crud - 60 days Friday MJ Addict
Hello
I started smoking weed b/c I wanted to feel better. And I did feel better. I felt nothing. And I was much more functional at work that I am these past 60 days. I am anxious. I am in pain with insane headaches, massive mood swings and just a general feeling of malaise. Depression has never been worse. When I was smoking (and really, how much is a lot? Cause I could make a small amount last for 6 months)
Before I stopped, I was working out 4 days a week, eating right most of the time.
I stopped b/c my mind was obessing over smoking. I tell myself this but the truth is - I loved it too much. I had come to rely on it too much and I was considering using other things just to get more high. I had stopped doing a lot of things I wanted to do b/c I was high all night from the time I got home to the time I went to bed. I never went to work high. I never used around family. I was a really solitary isolated and lonely stoner. I also truthfully stopped because I met a man who is active in recovery and I wanted to be with him and now there is a chance he is going to sober living program to help him stay clean and that will curtail our relationship for at least a year. Why did I stop when I feel as bad if not worse than I ever have?
I am short tempered and generally a nasty person to be around. My sponsor says I am right where I am supposed to be. I am working steps and hate what I see right now in step one. I am going to NA. I sometimes don't feel like I am enough of a druggie to use NA properly and even though no one has said this - Perhaps they are thinking it - you aren't really a drug addict...you just smoke weed. Would AA be any better since really, getting weed is about as easy as buying alcohol right?
Oh my mind is taking me places I don't want to be right now. Where I want to be right now is high and not feeling a thing. I am going to resist it. 60 days is a good stretch and much has changed for sure. I don't see it though right now.
I started smoking weed b/c I wanted to feel better. And I did feel better. I felt nothing. And I was much more functional at work that I am these past 60 days. I am anxious. I am in pain with insane headaches, massive mood swings and just a general feeling of malaise. Depression has never been worse. When I was smoking (and really, how much is a lot? Cause I could make a small amount last for 6 months)
Before I stopped, I was working out 4 days a week, eating right most of the time.
I stopped b/c my mind was obessing over smoking. I tell myself this but the truth is - I loved it too much. I had come to rely on it too much and I was considering using other things just to get more high. I had stopped doing a lot of things I wanted to do b/c I was high all night from the time I got home to the time I went to bed. I never went to work high. I never used around family. I was a really solitary isolated and lonely stoner. I also truthfully stopped because I met a man who is active in recovery and I wanted to be with him and now there is a chance he is going to sober living program to help him stay clean and that will curtail our relationship for at least a year. Why did I stop when I feel as bad if not worse than I ever have?
I am short tempered and generally a nasty person to be around. My sponsor says I am right where I am supposed to be. I am working steps and hate what I see right now in step one. I am going to NA. I sometimes don't feel like I am enough of a druggie to use NA properly and even though no one has said this - Perhaps they are thinking it - you aren't really a drug addict...you just smoke weed. Would AA be any better since really, getting weed is about as easy as buying alcohol right?
Oh my mind is taking me places I don't want to be right now. Where I want to be right now is high and not feeling a thing. I am going to resist it. 60 days is a good stretch and much has changed for sure. I don't see it though right now.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Have you been to a doctor to get a full check up and talk about how you are feeling?
You are just in that tricky phase after acute wd/detox where your brain tries to trick you in to going back to your DOC. I have never been addicted to pot, but anything that is used in excess and that can't be controlled or causes problems- is a problem! Stay sober. You'll just regret it if you smoke and then become depressed, or paranoid.
What is the man's DOC? Sounds like a complicated situation
You are just in that tricky phase after acute wd/detox where your brain tries to trick you in to going back to your DOC. I have never been addicted to pot, but anything that is used in excess and that can't be controlled or causes problems- is a problem! Stay sober. You'll just regret it if you smoke and then become depressed, or paranoid.
What is the man's DOC? Sounds like a complicated situation
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09-13-2013, 03:21 PM #4 (permalink)
hellomynameis
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I read somewhere once that normal people don't even have a thought that they might have a problem. So if you think you have a problem..you probably do. Don't judge amounts or types of things you use but rather the affect you feel that they have on your life. And just b/c you are a gutter rat doesn't mean you aren't headed that way.
I thought this was VERY GOOD ADVICE!
hellomynameis
Member
I read somewhere once that normal people don't even have a thought that they might have a problem. So if you think you have a problem..you probably do. Don't judge amounts or types of things you use but rather the affect you feel that they have on your life. And just b/c you are a gutter rat doesn't mean you aren't headed that way.
I thought this was VERY GOOD ADVICE!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Morning all....the urge and the aggitation passed with a good nights sleep. Amazing how that happens. My sponsor is trying really hard to keep me focused on the detox process as I continue to minimize my using (the addict voice is so loud this week, 60 days this friday imagine that!)
I guess the problem I have is, last night I felt like somehow I was better as a user than I am as a non-user. Funny how that addict voice works. I may be having lots of symptoms of addiction and behaviors of addicts and yet, to indentify myself as an addict has been hard. I realized last night that I have always viewed my problem as a non-issue b/c I wasn't doing it the way a "Druggie" would be. What a misconception and a lie. I was doing it just LIKE a druggie...I just refused to see it as such.
Pot is far more addictive than I could have ever imagined. I thought, rather wrongly, that it was "medicine". I guess that is the pro-pot lobby at work. And my addict mind willing to accept any excuse for my usage. Alcohol has also been my problem - but I can justify this - have always been able to...that also needs to change.
As far as the advice I give, oh cleanLI - I am a rather funny person that way. I love the literature in NA. I love to give advice. I am horrible at taking the first step and the first step of just admission of the issue is a problem for me. Thank God for my sponsor. Thank God for my meetings.
Also my gentleman friend is a recovering Pot and Cocaine addict. And yes I have been to the doctors...going back next week as well to get more clarity. Definately taking my health seriously in this -and my own personal safety.
I guess the problem I have is, last night I felt like somehow I was better as a user than I am as a non-user. Funny how that addict voice works. I may be having lots of symptoms of addiction and behaviors of addicts and yet, to indentify myself as an addict has been hard. I realized last night that I have always viewed my problem as a non-issue b/c I wasn't doing it the way a "Druggie" would be. What a misconception and a lie. I was doing it just LIKE a druggie...I just refused to see it as such.
Pot is far more addictive than I could have ever imagined. I thought, rather wrongly, that it was "medicine". I guess that is the pro-pot lobby at work. And my addict mind willing to accept any excuse for my usage. Alcohol has also been my problem - but I can justify this - have always been able to...that also needs to change.
As far as the advice I give, oh cleanLI - I am a rather funny person that way. I love the literature in NA. I love to give advice. I am horrible at taking the first step and the first step of just admission of the issue is a problem for me. Thank God for my sponsor. Thank God for my meetings.
Also my gentleman friend is a recovering Pot and Cocaine addict. And yes I have been to the doctors...going back next week as well to get more clarity. Definately taking my health seriously in this -and my own personal safety.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
I know what you mean. Unfortunately when it comes to my doc I have a very short memory. I forget how horrible my addiction really was. In fact I relapsed after 5 years clean because I was offered a couple of Vic's and figured I wasn't really an addict or not anymore because my doc was prescription painkillers and I had 5 years clean. Wrong! I liked your advice it helped me so I threw it back at you! Lol
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Congrats on 59 days! I will be 53 days tomorrow, seems we made a sober choice around the same time. I was addicted to cannabis for 5 years, and I also experience depression on some days, it comes out of nowhere. It feels almost bipolar, but I know its just the detox. Everytime im down, one thing i tell myself is that my brain is in the process of repairing itself; that seems to help.
Also, have you heard of PAWS?
Also, have you heard of PAWS?
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IFGodWIllsit - I have heard of PAWS. Unfortunately, I am living under the incorrect assumption I think, that cannabis wasn't a big enough drug to have such a thing. My sponsor disagrees. I need to talk to her more about it. I am still in denial I think that my DOC wasn't that 'bad'. One thing is for sure, my brain isn't functioning normally. And the bipolar thing - maybe I am really bipolar I don't know. I do feel these highs and lows and the lows are sooooooo low. I really need some time. I was also addicted for cannabis for 5 years. It was my life. I can say that now. But, I still felt so much more functional on it than I do right now off of it.
I thought of cannabis as a therapy for anxiety, sleep problems, depression...and I am not sure I don't still think of it that way. Problem was/is - I didn't take it therapeutically, I didn't it recreationally. And I am not sure for me there is a difference anymore.
The other problems I have is - I really in the scheme of all things cannadis, smoke a lot. Just everyday...I feel like a moron trying to quantify it but there you are.
I want to go back to smoking and not be an addict...there can't be a reason good enough for that to happen. But I sure wish for it.
I thought of cannabis as a therapy for anxiety, sleep problems, depression...and I am not sure I don't still think of it that way. Problem was/is - I didn't take it therapeutically, I didn't it recreationally. And I am not sure for me there is a difference anymore.
The other problems I have is - I really in the scheme of all things cannadis, smoke a lot. Just everyday...I feel like a moron trying to quantify it but there you are.
I want to go back to smoking and not be an addict...there can't be a reason good enough for that to happen. But I sure wish for it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Youve come way too far to go back to smoking. Youre almost at the end of the tunnel, you see the light but theres still the final strech. You and i are in the same boat... 5 years of daily recreational use means that itll take longer for us to recover compared to others whom may have used less frequently. The THC in our bodies will actually take around 3 months to clear out. Be strong, youre almost there.
Just think of all those times cannabis has held you back from your highest potential. I used to think the same as you... self medicating my anxiety and depression. The truth is, i was only trapped in the cycle of addiction: first you smoke to relieve stress, then you smoke cause it just feels good and theres nothing else you wanna do, and as tolerance builds up you find yourself smoking to feel normal, because at this point the cannabis has taken control your baseline for feeling normal, finally you smoke and nothing... it doesnt feel good anymore. Once your tolerance is so high, you feel sick without TCH in your system, and the addiction convinces you that youre self medicating, when actually the drug is whats making your depression and anxiety worse than what it was before you started using.
This is my third time quitting... each relapse went that way. You dont wanna be stuck in that lifeless cycle.
Just think of all those times cannabis has held you back from your highest potential. I used to think the same as you... self medicating my anxiety and depression. The truth is, i was only trapped in the cycle of addiction: first you smoke to relieve stress, then you smoke cause it just feels good and theres nothing else you wanna do, and as tolerance builds up you find yourself smoking to feel normal, because at this point the cannabis has taken control your baseline for feeling normal, finally you smoke and nothing... it doesnt feel good anymore. Once your tolerance is so high, you feel sick without TCH in your system, and the addiction convinces you that youre self medicating, when actually the drug is whats making your depression and anxiety worse than what it was before you started using.
This is my third time quitting... each relapse went that way. You dont wanna be stuck in that lifeless cycle.
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Thank you for your encouragement and understanding. I really want to be clean and sober. I am afraid to go back. And I guess I have to stop and think that cannabis is a drug. Where I saw myself going was common - the thc high wasn't good enough anymore. I was looking for other drugs to get "higher" scary huh?
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