"How does my drinking affect you?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
"How does my drinking affect you?"
I could just scream each and every time I hear this stupid question! So, I'm thinking of all the ways that it does affect me and the family. Please join in because I might just make a poster out of it and put on the refrigerator for him to see when he opens that door to pull out his bottle.
1. We can't use the family room because you're passed out on the couch morning, noon, and night.
2. I can't run the vacuum or clean because you're passed out on the couch morning, noon and night.
3. We can't speak in normal voices because no one wants you to wake up and start one of your boring, drunken, slurring conversations or an argument.
4. We walk on eggshells constantly because no one really knows what's going to trigger your anger this time.
5. We are mortified when we have friends over and you're drunk off your butt and it's quite obvious to everyone but you that you're not clever or charming when you're like that.
6. We will never win because we're nervous when you're drunk and nervous when you're not.
7. No one believes a word you say because you let us down on a daily basis.
8. No one wants to tell you things because it's not like you're going to remember it anyways.
9. Your own daughters hate coming to our house because, although they love you, they don't LIKE you.
10. I can't leave to go to dinner with my friends because I'm know you'll get hammered when I'm gone and possibly hurt my dogs and/or start a fight with the kids.
11. When you walk into the bedroom in the middle of the night just to use the restroom, my stomach drops and my heartbeat quickens.
12. All of the projects you started and stopped have made our house look like Shnit.
13. You yell at everyone because the house is a mess, yet you are the biggest contributor and don't pick up after yourself.
14. Your own friends don't want to hang out with you because you're too drunk and that's BORING to watch time after time.
I could go on and on and on, but I'm curious to see what everyone else has to add.
1. We can't use the family room because you're passed out on the couch morning, noon, and night.
2. I can't run the vacuum or clean because you're passed out on the couch morning, noon and night.
3. We can't speak in normal voices because no one wants you to wake up and start one of your boring, drunken, slurring conversations or an argument.
4. We walk on eggshells constantly because no one really knows what's going to trigger your anger this time.
5. We are mortified when we have friends over and you're drunk off your butt and it's quite obvious to everyone but you that you're not clever or charming when you're like that.
6. We will never win because we're nervous when you're drunk and nervous when you're not.
7. No one believes a word you say because you let us down on a daily basis.
8. No one wants to tell you things because it's not like you're going to remember it anyways.
9. Your own daughters hate coming to our house because, although they love you, they don't LIKE you.
10. I can't leave to go to dinner with my friends because I'm know you'll get hammered when I'm gone and possibly hurt my dogs and/or start a fight with the kids.
11. When you walk into the bedroom in the middle of the night just to use the restroom, my stomach drops and my heartbeat quickens.
12. All of the projects you started and stopped have made our house look like Shnit.
13. You yell at everyone because the house is a mess, yet you are the biggest contributor and don't pick up after yourself.
14. Your own friends don't want to hang out with you because you're too drunk and that's BORING to watch time after time.
I could go on and on and on, but I'm curious to see what everyone else has to add.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh MAN.
My stomach got into knots just beginning to read that list.
My AXH asked me that question to. The "HOW."
I said to him "your drinking is affecting the mental and emotional health of me and of our children. It's affecting our quality of life. The fact that you can even ask that question means you have a more severe drinking problem than you think, and a very skewed idea of what a normal life is supposed to look like."
I refused to make lists, because AXH thrived on getting to formulate the problem like that. If I had responded with a list like yours, he would have gone through it point by point and proven to me why it wasn't a problem the way I thought it was and that the problem was really only in my head and since the problem was only in my head and not a result of his drinking, really, I should go get my head examined and leave his drinking in peace.
So I refused to let him frame the issue his way.
My stomach got into knots just beginning to read that list.
My AXH asked me that question to. The "HOW."
I said to him "your drinking is affecting the mental and emotional health of me and of our children. It's affecting our quality of life. The fact that you can even ask that question means you have a more severe drinking problem than you think, and a very skewed idea of what a normal life is supposed to look like."
I refused to make lists, because AXH thrived on getting to formulate the problem like that. If I had responded with a list like yours, he would have gone through it point by point and proven to me why it wasn't a problem the way I thought it was and that the problem was really only in my head and since the problem was only in my head and not a result of his drinking, really, I should go get my head examined and leave his drinking in peace.
So I refused to let him frame the issue his way.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Great thread..
I didn't live with my exabf--thank God--and I'm bad at lists. So I think what I'd say is: your drinking affected me because every time I heard your slurred speech or read one of your incoherent texts, my heart broke. And it is difficult to watch someone kill himself.
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I didn't live with my exabf--thank God--and I'm bad at lists. So I think what I'd say is: your drinking affected me because every time I heard your slurred speech or read one of your incoherent texts, my heart broke. And it is difficult to watch someone kill himself.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I get this all. the. time. And it usually goes hand-in-hand with "I get up and go to work every day, and pay the bills, so what's the problem?!?"
I have started re-framing how I voice my feelings on this matter (when I voice them at all; I am at the point where I am very aware that it is totally pointless). Now I say things like "I cannot handle the drinking. I cannot stay married to you if you continue to drink. I am happy to take all the blame for my inability to live with this." And you know what? I AM happy to take all the blame. Doesn't bother me one bit. If it means I get OUT of this ridiculousness, I will take all the blame, all day long.
I have started re-framing how I voice my feelings on this matter (when I voice them at all; I am at the point where I am very aware that it is totally pointless). Now I say things like "I cannot handle the drinking. I cannot stay married to you if you continue to drink. I am happy to take all the blame for my inability to live with this." And you know what? I AM happy to take all the blame. Doesn't bother me one bit. If it means I get OUT of this ridiculousness, I will take all the blame, all day long.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
Ugh. I get this question every time I bring up my desire to find and attend an Al-Anon meeting.
The response that always comes to my mind is, "Because your drinking affects you, and you are part of this family. How could it NOT affect me/our kids?"
The response that always comes to my mind is, "Because your drinking affects you, and you are part of this family. How could it NOT affect me/our kids?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Maybe I mis-worded this...I am not going to use this list to throw it in his face...it wouldn't do any good. I've lived like this for 10 years and I know that nothing I say or do will help and, even if he does quit, I doubt it will make a difference. My heart is too shut off from him. But, it's for my sanity. Because I find myself second-guessing when he asks this question. Does that make sense?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I guess . . . you could take that list and use so the drinking does NOT affect you?
Like -- just for example -- maybe move his Loafing Couch and Beverage Refrigerator to the garage?
Just add a pee bucket out there . . . you may moved a major portion of the problem a safe distance away.
Like -- just for example -- maybe move his Loafing Couch and Beverage Refrigerator to the garage?
Just add a pee bucket out there . . . you may moved a major portion of the problem a safe distance away.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by Hammer 
I guess . . . you could take that list and use so the drinking does NOT affect you?
Like -- just for example -- maybe move his Loafing Couch and Beverage Refrigerator to the garage?
Just add a pee bucket out there . . . you may moved a major portion of the problem a safe distance away.
Like -- just for example -- maybe move his Loafing Couch and Beverage Refrigerator to the garage?
Just add a pee bucket out there . . . you may moved a major portion of the problem a safe distance away.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: too close to the fire
Posts: 173
I am very sorry you are going thru this. Until he has accepted he is powerless to he obvious addiction his addiction will unfortunatley always come before you and your children. I know that sounds raw. I guess it is time maybe to consider Alanon.... self care and possible seperation....just a thought...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
My ExBF's alcoholism affected me where I was always making lists of
1) What was wrong with his drinking
2) How he could get better
3) All the promises he made that he broke.
4) What was still good about the relationship
When I started getting my confidence back, with therapy and education about the illness, is when I stopped making lists.
1) What was wrong with his drinking
2) How he could get better
3) All the promises he made that he broke.
4) What was still good about the relationship
When I started getting my confidence back, with therapy and education about the illness, is when I stopped making lists.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
1. My bedroom smelled like crap.
2. I was deprived of a husband.
3. I had no sex life. I still don't, but at least I'm not married anymore and looking at living like that forever.
4. I lived alone with 3 children and one adult child.
5. I lived in fear of his getting a DWI or a possession of marijuana charge and what it would mean to my job.
6. I never had fun with him anymore.
7. I was wretchedly lonely.
8. I had to make all the decisions.
9. I couldn't trust his judgment anymore.
10. I couldn't leave the children with him and trust that they would be cared for.
11. I had to be careful what I said or did lest I **** him off and he start screaming at me.
It affected me in so many ways.
2. I was deprived of a husband.
3. I had no sex life. I still don't, but at least I'm not married anymore and looking at living like that forever.
4. I lived alone with 3 children and one adult child.
5. I lived in fear of his getting a DWI or a possession of marijuana charge and what it would mean to my job.
6. I never had fun with him anymore.
7. I was wretchedly lonely.
8. I had to make all the decisions.
9. I couldn't trust his judgment anymore.
10. I couldn't leave the children with him and trust that they would be cared for.
11. I had to be careful what I said or did lest I **** him off and he start screaming at me.
It affected me in so many ways.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I was asked to write a letter to my AM about how her drinking affected me. It was an assignment from my therapist. I wrote four pages, single spaced, 12-point font, one inch margins. I deleted it off my computer after the assignment was completed, but I was ok with that. Just getting it OUT was therapeutic. You name it, I probably wrote about it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
'I get this all. the. time. And it usually goes hand-in-hand with "I get up and go to work every day, and pay the bills, so what's the problem?!?"
I have started re-framing how I voice my feelings on this matter (when I voice them at all; I am at the point where I am very aware that it is totally pointless). Now I say things like "I cannot handle the drinking. I cannot stay married to you if you continue to drink. I am happy to take all the blame for my inability to live with this." And you know what? I AM happy to take all the blame. Doesn't bother me one bit. If it means I get OUT of this ridiculousness, I will take all the blame, all day long."
Oh, Wisconsin...I am with you on the idea of these thoughts are totally pointless. I have gotten to the point where I just say "blame ME, it's all my fault. The earth spins off its axis? It's all my fault. Government shutdown? It's all my fault." It can get as ridiculous as that. I have told my friends and family that if something ever, ever goes wrong, it is ALL MY FAULT. And I accept that as a big joke because it makes me feel better because it is so silly that I am responsible for the annihilation of the planet. Usually I tell them to make them laugh. And it makes me laugh at the same time but in the context of my marriage and with the kids, no, it does not make me laugh.
I have started re-framing how I voice my feelings on this matter (when I voice them at all; I am at the point where I am very aware that it is totally pointless). Now I say things like "I cannot handle the drinking. I cannot stay married to you if you continue to drink. I am happy to take all the blame for my inability to live with this." And you know what? I AM happy to take all the blame. Doesn't bother me one bit. If it means I get OUT of this ridiculousness, I will take all the blame, all day long."
Oh, Wisconsin...I am with you on the idea of these thoughts are totally pointless. I have gotten to the point where I just say "blame ME, it's all my fault. The earth spins off its axis? It's all my fault. Government shutdown? It's all my fault." It can get as ridiculous as that. I have told my friends and family that if something ever, ever goes wrong, it is ALL MY FAULT. And I accept that as a big joke because it makes me feel better because it is so silly that I am responsible for the annihilation of the planet. Usually I tell them to make them laugh. And it makes me laugh at the same time but in the context of my marriage and with the kids, no, it does not make me laugh.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Great thread, It is wonderful therapy to put the words on paper(screen).
The drinking has an affect in many ways.
As you stated:
-Nobody likes to be home on the weekends, its way too much time with you.
-On the weekends: watching you watch the clock, waiting for noon so that it doesn't look so bad. After all your working in the yard, your thirsty you need "A" beer, we all know it is not "A" but several.
-We wait for you to sit in that darn chair so that you will "fall asleep", and like others tip toe around the house so as to not wake you.
-Knowing the dreaded holidays are coming around, I can't even enjoy Christmas or Thanksgiving anymore, thank you, you've completely ruined the occasions for me.
-Before I leave the home for the evening I make sure that everything you might want or need is available so that I do not come home to a house turned upside down because you couldn't find anything you were looking for because I always change the places I put them. ( cooking utensils or whatever) I hide them from you on purpose.
The list goes on, but like others my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. I don't want to anymore.
The drinking has an affect in many ways.
As you stated:
-Nobody likes to be home on the weekends, its way too much time with you.
-On the weekends: watching you watch the clock, waiting for noon so that it doesn't look so bad. After all your working in the yard, your thirsty you need "A" beer, we all know it is not "A" but several.
-We wait for you to sit in that darn chair so that you will "fall asleep", and like others tip toe around the house so as to not wake you.
-Knowing the dreaded holidays are coming around, I can't even enjoy Christmas or Thanksgiving anymore, thank you, you've completely ruined the occasions for me.
-Before I leave the home for the evening I make sure that everything you might want or need is available so that I do not come home to a house turned upside down because you couldn't find anything you were looking for because I always change the places I put them. ( cooking utensils or whatever) I hide them from you on purpose.
The list goes on, but like others my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. I don't want to anymore.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 60
My answers would be:
You're often unreliable if we make 'casual' plans - I don't know if you'll turn up on time, drunk or at all
You won't engage in an adult discussion if we have a difference of opinion - it either escalates into row or you won't discuss at all, leaving bitterness and resentment
You talk about the same things that annoy you over and over and over whilst drunk, yet don't do anything about making changes so they don't annoy you anymore
You leave me wondering should I stay as he is having a nice phase or leave before the next mean phase comes
I'm uncertain about my future as I'm uncertain about you
You're often unreliable if we make 'casual' plans - I don't know if you'll turn up on time, drunk or at all
You won't engage in an adult discussion if we have a difference of opinion - it either escalates into row or you won't discuss at all, leaving bitterness and resentment
You talk about the same things that annoy you over and over and over whilst drunk, yet don't do anything about making changes so they don't annoy you anymore
You leave me wondering should I stay as he is having a nice phase or leave before the next mean phase comes
I'm uncertain about my future as I'm uncertain about you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
LOL...Missus, don't think so. I'm a twin and my brothers are identical twins so that statement made me laugh...my ABF doesn't talk to his family anymore so you never know....shocker!
How could this NOT affect everyone in the house? That's such a ludicrous question and so narcissistic.
He's been hiding out in the basement for the past few days...probably detoxing...his idea of detoxing is hiding in the basement with a bottle of jager and a twelve pack (I'm talking to 2 litre bottle!) I've read a lot on detoxing treatments and that ain't one of 'em!
Am I a bad person for not once going down there to see if he's still breathing for 24 hours? I'm just enjoying the peace and quiet.
How could this NOT affect everyone in the house? That's such a ludicrous question and so narcissistic.
He's been hiding out in the basement for the past few days...probably detoxing...his idea of detoxing is hiding in the basement with a bottle of jager and a twelve pack (I'm talking to 2 litre bottle!) I've read a lot on detoxing treatments and that ain't one of 'em!
Am I a bad person for not once going down there to see if he's still breathing for 24 hours? I'm just enjoying the peace and quiet.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Originally Posted by befuddled1
My answers would be:
You talk about the same things that annoy you over and over and over whilst drunk, yet don't do anything about making changes so they don't annoy you anymore
You leave me wondering should I stay as he is having a nice phase or leave before the next mean phase comes
I'm uncertain about my future as I'm uncertain about you
You talk about the same things that annoy you over and over and over whilst drunk, yet don't do anything about making changes so they don't annoy you anymore
You leave me wondering should I stay as he is having a nice phase or leave before the next mean phase comes
I'm uncertain about my future as I'm uncertain about you
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
My ah use to say the same thing. hes moved on to other nutty comments when drinking. It used to frustrate me and then one day after he sobered up i went off on him and cried. now instead of how does my drinking affect you ....when he drinks he cries about how his drinking affects us (bangs head UGH!)
But yes everything you've listed...same here! It would be so frustrating the times ah has fallen asleep in living room and i am trying to clean or be up with kids and we are tip toeing around him because 1. he could get angry or 2. he could wake up make the rest of our day miserable at home and continue drinking ....but sometimes we got lucky and he would wake up and just crawl into the bedroom.
But yes everything you've listed...same here! It would be so frustrating the times ah has fallen asleep in living room and i am trying to clean or be up with kids and we are tip toeing around him because 1. he could get angry or 2. he could wake up make the rest of our day miserable at home and continue drinking ....but sometimes we got lucky and he would wake up and just crawl into the bedroom.
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