Ruby2

I recently posted a response to johnny alias which brought up a lot of really painful memories about my son and my husband when he was violently drunk. How old were you when you started remembering? I am having a really hard time with this one right now after thinking about it. I don't even know what I want to ask. What was the most important thing for you? What can I do?

NWGRITS

I remember things from the age of three, on. I remember my parents getting divorced, and the early days of telling people she didn't come to little league football games to watch me cheer because she was at the bar every Saturday. I think I was four or five when I started cheerleading. So yeah, I remember a ton of stuff, and I always knew something was off in regards to my mother. It just didn't click until I was 12 or 13.

Ruby2

Sounds like you were with dad? My AH isn't around for a lot of stuff. We still coexist under the same roof but it is always "Daddy's sleeping" if he isn't at work, or daddy's out" Dam it makes me so mad. I just want to know what are the best things I can do for my kids. What to say. what not to say. My parents were not alcoholics. I have no frame of reference. I don't want to lie to my children and i also don't want to let my anger and disappointment poison what i say to them. My husband's parents are both alcoholics, his mother an addict who left him alone for substantial amounts of times. He hasn't been helpful because he is repeating what he grew up with.

Thanks

BtheChange

I went to group therapy at my AH's rehab center for the loved ones affected by alcoholism and learned a lot. One thing that stuck with me is that alcoholism/addiction is passed down through the family when there are things in the family that are not talked about.

I have 3 children so stopping the cycle for them is hugely important to me.

The basic idea is that whenever there is shame about something in the family that the adults don't want to recognize or discuss, the children internalize it, and then eventually mask their own adult emotions with substance abuse later on (just like they had to suppress their childhood emotional response).

So, while I did divorce my AH, I am still very open to talking about alcoholism with the kids. My kids were 8, 4, and 2 when we divorced. I told them that their dad has an allergy to alcohol and he has become dependent on it. He makes decisions that hurt our family because of it, and now we are living apart so that we can be a healthier family. A few times while my AH was a rehab, my 4 year old would tell neighbors or acquaintances that his dad was sick from alcohol and in the hospital. And I just affirmed that.

My kids are only a year older than they were then, but they seem to be doing fine. We talk about it openly. They tell me when they miss their dad and when they are wishing we could all be back together. I just try to acknowledge those feelings and tell them how important it is for them to talk about it and be open about it. Now that I have set healthy boundaries, I am not all that angry towards my xAH. When it came to choosing a husband, I chose poorly. I am just doing my best to learn from that and make a healthy home for myself and the kids now.

I wish you the best. There may be some good books on this subject, that others may be able to recommend. As far as learning about the physiological facts of alcoholism, "Under the Influence" by Milan and Ketchum was very helpful to me, and may help you explain to the kids what is physically going on with their dad.