Woodman123

I'm sure this has been discussed many times over, but i have not found any posts myself. We are on round 5 of detox, and round 3 of rehab for my AW, all within a span of 5 months. Obviously, the programs (including outpatient counseling) have not worked to this point. She has been a closet drinker and since this came out, I have been sensitive to her addiction and have removed all alcohol from the home. We used to be what I thought was an occasional (social) drinking couple, although my spouse enjoyed nightly glass of wine with dinner. The irony was my AW got me into home brewing earlier this year (before the alcoholism became known). I don't drink alot, but enjoy an occasional glass of wine or good beer, and now especially enjoy the hobby itself of craft beer brewing. So the question, as you can obviously see coming, is what is the conventional wisdom for drinking in front of an alcoholic? I guess this is somewhat rhetorical, as I know there are equally valid points of view, but would certainly love to hear from the collective on this. I know one view is that the alcoholic has to come to grips with the fact that it's their disease, and not everyone around them and thus has to be accepting of being around those who may drink. But, another viewpoint posits that it's overtly insensitive to enjoy an alcoholic beverage around someone with such a powerful and destructive disease and it's cravings, especially early on in recovery. I won't say my AW is even in recovery yet, as we can;t seem to get off the detox/rehab merry-go-round. But, I still wonder whether my future should involve total abstinence around the house, including dumping all of my brewing equipment. But I have to confess that this certainly doesn't help me, and I can already feel the resentment building as I write this.

smtowngirl

Tricky, she got you into Brewing your own beer! I am really struggling with this too, my husband is failing miserably at recovery, his drink of choice is vodka, lots and lots of vodka. I like a very light beer maybe 2 or 3 and by light beer I mean a Miller 64 maybe everother weekend or when we go camping. I hate drinking around him but he is possesive and won't let me meet friends at a bar, and doesn't like if I go to a friend house but he has loossened that leash a bit. When we are with friends he is usually hiding that he is drinking and ends up drunk so I figure if he is drinking why do I have to remain sober, especially if my kids are not present and I am not driving. Then the voice in my head says I should be leading by example and then I remind myself....I am not his mother....He is a big boy capable of making his own choices no matter how terrible they may be.

Wisconsin

I was never more than a very, very occasional social drinker (total of MAYBE 5-10 drinks a year). A little over two years ago, I decided I do not care one bit about drinking, and I have been a non-drinker ever since. While I suppose part of this would be support for my AH if he was in recovery, I made the decision because alcohol in general has become a huge trigger for me emotionally, and more importantly, I felt it was important that my children have one parent who was always stone cold sober.

I haven't missed it one bit, and don't feel even remotely resentful. It's a decision I made on my own, for myself.

SparkleKitty

I think you need to have this discussion with your AW, if and when she commits to recovery. There are RA's out there who have asked their spouses not to drink in front of them, at least for a time, as it is too difficult. And on the other end of the spectrum there are others who have not had a problem with it. I don't know if you'll know what you're dealing with until your wife is on more solid ground.

Recovering2

Your wife is obviously struggling with sobriety right now. IMO, if you want to support her efforts to get past the physical/mental cravings for the drug then get the drug out of the house. If she is successful, in time she may be okay around it. But from what you describe of her struggle, this is not the time.
I was resentful at first also. Why did my life have to change because he can't drink? AlAnon helped me move past resentment, and develop compassion for him. Once that happened, not having alcohol in the house or not drinking around him was easy. I would suggest you find an AlAnon group near you, there are men only groups out there if you prefer, and focus on your own health moving forward. Good Luck to you, I hope your wife finds real recovery. It's such a brutal disease.

Carlotta

I don't see why you should deprive yourself of the occasional drink. When and If she ever commits to sobriety instead of pacifying you, you might chose to be supportive by keeping a dry house for the first few months of her recovery and not drinking in front of her. Your choice.
I am in recovery from alcohol myself. The first time I got sober in 2001, my XABF was a raging drunk who had rum and booze all over the apartment. I stayed sober for 5 years and actually relapsed when being single.
This time around, I live alone so I keep a dry house but I have no problems having lunch or diner with a friend who enjoys a glass of wine or a beer. It does not tempt me or bother me at all.
The key to sobriety is acceptance and knowing one can never safely drink again and be ok with it. If she ever reaches that point, whether or not you keep booze around will be irrelevant (unless you drink alcoholically which you don't). As long as she is not there, you might as well keep some at home since she will drink whether your house is dry or not.

Luri

You can't control, cause or cure her drinking. But in my honest opinion...brewing beer? I don't cause my husbands outbursts...but I certainly contribute to the tension. If she is trying to stop drinking maybe get rid of the drug of choice.

CarryOn

I just wrote a long post and lost it...may be my HP at work.

I'm with Luri on this...if your AW is struggling, it may be most appropriate to remove the DOA and any related materials for now. Our homes should be our sanctuaries...same for our qualifiers...why put her in a situation that may add to her struggle? You may be able to revisit bringing the brewery kit back into the household once she has a year of sobriety under her belt and feels confident in her program.


For me, there can be alcohol or my husband in my home...not both.

Florence

I cleaned house in solidarity with my AH's attempts to quit drinking. I did the equivalent of what people do when they quit smoking, like getting rid of ashtrays and lighters. I got rid of the booze and the booze accessories, like tumblers, shakers, and things meant specifically for wine and cocktails, even though wine and cocktails weren't the problem (the secret handles of vodka were the problem [!]).

We did talk about it and he didn't want it in the house during his early recovery days, and I respected that. He said he didn't care if I drank outside of the house as long as I didn't come home drunk or act a fool. These weren't hard requests for me to meet.

But ultimately, these efforts didn't keep him sober. He still chose to drink over and over again. Now that he's been out of the house for over a year and I'm closing the chapter on our marriage, I finally bought wine glasses for the occasions when I have friends over, maybe a couple times a month. But I can say that having experienced all this really sucked the fun out of drinking for me. It's just a foodie thing now, or something I do alongside celebration, but absolutely not a mainstay or requirement in my life.

anona

I do not drink. I was never a big drinker anyway and I do not remotely resent not drinking. Actually I don't want anything to do with it. Plus I have struggled with my own addictive issues (not to drugs/alcohol) and I know I would have had a much easier time with my own recovery if I could have avoided those things, but it was impossible because of what they were. Alcohol isn't impossible to avoid so I wanted to support my husband by not having it in our home. It's hard to have temptations surrounding you & never be able to let your guard down/relax a little in a "safe" environment. Obviously your AW will need to learn her own way of staying sober and resisting in the face of temptation but when that is hard or impossible I see the benefit in just not having it around. However, if it is going to cause you resentment, it may not be the best thing for YOU, and you need to make the choices that will best support your own health & happiness.

Fathom

Woodman,

I understand how fascinating and delightful a home brewing hobby can be. It's such a strange and intricate process that gives you a different result each time depending on conditions. I understand your disappointment and resentment at feeling obligated to give up something you truly enjoy when it isn't you who has the problem with it. I can't say I ever got beyond that, but my situation never challenged me to. I left him before he started any kind of recovery.

My suggestion to you though... Maybe you can find a similar hobby to enjoy? Home brewing beer is just one of many fermented processes. Cheese and yogurt making, brine-pickling fruits and vegetables, (dare I say) pickling fish and curing meats... These are all related processes, and it's wonderful to witness the transformation of one food into another through time. There are lots of great books, blogs, and even meet ups (at least in my area) that give great suggestions. Maybe you can use this as an opportunity to broaden your interest a bit.

Peace,
Fathom

Woodman123

Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts and experiences. Definitely some good take-home advice. I will certainly discuss with my wife again, even though she noted early on that I could have a beer in front of her. Obviously, she was not owning her recovery at that point (or the 2-3 detox/rehab cycles since) and still very much in denial about the extent of her illness. To Florence's point, I did remove everything from the house (except the brewing equipment tucked away in a closet in the basement), but that never stopped the constant influx of hidden vodka bottles, "grocery" trips where she'd end up at a bar somewhere, so it really makes me think, what's the use? She was compelled to drink without anything in the house. I guess I need to really work through the resentments that have developed. I do attend al-anon, but it's so hard getting past all of the many things i've already given up over the past several years- get-togethers with friends, work time, vacations and family events, quality family time at home, etc, etc. I still love her, and always will, and it's within that sentiment that I truly do want to help her. But, I almost feel that I can help her better, and more objectively, if we're not together. The very sad reality is that when I consider giving up a creative hobby or my marriage, the latter seems to be the lesser of two evils right now. I am discouraged.

anona

I'm so sorry Woodman.

BoxinRotz

I don't have alcohol in the house. What I do have are my Grandmother's crystal wine glasses on top of the cabinet but AH never went for them. He was cheap... he'd rather dump his vodka into a GV water bottle. I will never bring alcohol into this house as long as he's alive n we're together!

Hammer

If one of you were allergic to cats . . . you would not have cats in the house, right?

My apologies to cat lovers. Just use Peanuts, Mangoes, or whatever, instead.

If you need the "hobby," just take it off-site with some other College Frat Boys for Life (I am teasing you -- I have such an interest, myself). Make a Club House and brew your 200 gallon (is it?) a year Hobby Limit, each, and have a fun time.

Meanwhile if you want to get serious -- for you -- there is Alanon, The Steps, and all the rest.

As far as this . . .

You and me, both, my brother.

dangerdoll

This is exactly what my husband pointed out to me when I went to clear the house of beer at the start of his AA program. He gave me a bewildered look and said, "Did it ever matter before whether the beer was in the house or still in the cooler at the convenience store? If I want it, I'll get it somehow, and nothing and no one would stop me." And told me to leave everything as-is and continue having the occasional beer myself. Like he pointed out, his drinking = his problem...doesn't matter whether I'm drinking beer or milk or never drinking again at all. His other point was that keeping him physically away from alcohol to keep him from drinking was like thinking that keeping me out of the mall would keep me from shopping. But everyone's situation and state of mind is different...he has a friend in recovery who simply cannot have alcohol in the house, period, full stop, because doing so is too great a temptation. So I guess YMMV.

I do realized I'm pretty blessed (so far) in the seriousness with which he's taken his sobriety (so far) and how successful he's been (so far), and if he went back to drinking, I'm absolutely sure that would change my approach accordingly...right now, I'm doing what he says he needs me to do to support him. He has a metric ton of guilt over creating the situation that made me have to be be the responsible one for so many years, doing the "hard" parenting pretty much alone, creating an unhealthy family dynamic...he did say that me making more changes in my life to address his own problem would just make him feel even more guilty...and that won't help him at all.

That said, I do continue to check in periodically to see whether it's too great a temptation or would bother him if I had a drink with dinner, because I would stop immediately. Our marriage is more important than that margarita.

BlueSkies1

Since mine relapsed bigtime, I have noticed that if I have a drink he gets a look of relief on his face.
Let's say she is thinking of relapsing again. She sees you drink. Yikes...justification that if others can indulge, so can I...thinking.
With 5 detoxes under her belt, she's more likely to fail than succeed as all the statistics go, unfortunately.
I'd clear the house of anything to do with alcohol.
Safely months into her sobriety if she succeeds, I'd have a beer out with another couple, after informing her I was going to do so...but not for months.
That's just what I would do. That beer making equipment would be in the attic.
BTW...my 1st husband brewed beer. Whew does that stink up the kitchen!

Hammer

Good point.

Mrs. Hammer was taken down. In the house. by . . . Cooking Vanilla.

The stuff is 66 proof.

Cunning, baffling and powerful.

Lily1918

Wow. I never thought of this struggle with alcohol, how its ok for one spouse to use occasionally even though the other is trying not to.

You dont see that with substance abuse. Shoot... its all or nothing but the resentments are still there just the same.

dangerdoll

Cooking vanilla! I had NO idea! I will definitely pass that along to my AH's friend still struggling in recovery. He's swept the house clean of alcohol and even mouthwash, he's so afraid of relapse. Cooking vanilla!