Jil

Hi everyone. Jil here- over 2.5 years sober.

I feel like I'm not actually recovering. I have managed to stay sober, but I have so many questions about what sobriety really is.

My main issue is that I go through phases where I literally can't stand to be at an event (birthday, wedding, engagement party, etc.) knowing that I am the only sober person there. Will this ever go away? I go to these events not wanting to feel left out and wanting to contribute, and I leave feeling empty inside. Inside I am angry and envious of everyone else (even those who are DD and only having 1 beer).

I always want someone to CHOOSE to be sober with me and for me. Sometimes that happens (I have some good friends who make the decision to stay sober), but other times it does not. When it doesn't, I feel so lonely and angry, and I just want to lash out at them for being able to drink and for not taking my feelings into consideration. An example would be this weekend. I am a +1 for a wedding. The person I'm going with will likely drink and I am so FURIOUS that they can't see how much it hurts me to be sober, and they still choose to drink.

Now, I know this thinking isn't 'normal' or healthy, but I am just expressing how I feel.

My question for you- aside from AA (which I have gone to, and will not go to again), does anyone have any suggestions to help me break free from these thoughts, and the need to not be the only sober person at an event?

Thanks.

DoubleBarrel

Have you told your plus one how you feel?

What are you doing in recovery? Do you go to meetings, therapy? You said you have gone to AA meetings, but not if you quit or what happened.

I know for me, it has been helpful to communicate with other people who have been where I am at.

Jil

Hi

Do I really have the right to ask them not to drink? I have already expressed how I feel and I'm sure they will still drink and smoke dope (because I know them). I went to meetings but didn't feel comfortable there, and it didn't feel like the right place for me. I have seen many psychologists which helps for a while, then when I leave them these feelings come back. Nothing ever seems to last...

StevenT

Everything I know about recovery is from AA, so I can't give anything other then my experience without making something up or repeating what I've heard from someone else. That being said, I know that recovery itself comes from doing things to change, beyond not drinking.

Also, AA is much more then meetings. The meetings are just where information is shared. AA is a set of principles to live by so as to first not drink, and to over a period of time recover from the affliction that is alcoholism.

DoubleBarrel

I don't hang out with people who "party" much anymore.

There is just nothing enjoyable about it to me. People will have a beer or two at a gathering, or wine with dinner, but hard drinking and smoking pot is just not my life anymore, and there's no reason to be around it.

I don't think it's reasonable for me to expect the world around me to change but I do decide what I will tolerate around me.

Feeling uneasy in your own skin is understandable for quite a while, but I would think that after two and a half years, you should be getting more comfortable with recovery.

What I guess I'm saying is it sounds like you need something. Whatever that is.

I curious what you didn't like about AA. I was one of their biggest detractors, yet I am becoming more and more of a fan of a certain meeting that I found.

I also noticed that you have joined here in 2011, but have posted only about 80 times.

Since you asked, I would simply say that working in recovery is work. Just waiting it out isnt working, right?

If therapy helped, why did you stop going?

One of the hardest things for me to face was that my alcoholic personality and character flaws weren't going to just magically go away with the absence of alcohol. I needed to do more work on an ongoing basis on myself.

Since that point, I have been reevaluating how I look at the world, and am feeling much more at peace with things.

Dee74

Hi Jil

I had to change my life. Living my old life was only tolerable because I was drunk - living it sober would have been torture.

If you're feeling left out and empty and angry and envious of everyone else, but you're not conflicted about your decision to remain sober, maybe it's time to think about what a good life would look like to you?

D

hypochondriac

Hey Jil

No, I am afraid you don't have the right to ask people to stay sober with you. But you do have a choice over what you do and where you go. Don't go places where you feel that uncomfortable. Have you made any efforts to meet new friends who maybe don't drink so much, or at least some people who you socialise with doing non drinking activities. I have been lucky enough to meet a few people in sobriety who I don't even know if they drink or not as we have never been in a situation where that would come up. That is pretty miraculous to me when I compare it to my old life.

I also think recovery is something you have to maintain. It doesn't have to be AA but if you are doing nothing for your recovery then it is not surprising you feel the way you do. The best thing I can suggest is to get out of your own head and help someone else. Try and help some of those newbies who are struggling to string a few days together, volunteer somewhere, which is a great way to meet people too. But also I think it's necessary to do something about those thoughts you have too. Maybe something like alen carr's book or jason vale's. There is a lot of recovery stuff out there which is not AA. But even the AA literature is really good. Get reading and try and find what will work for you. Or maybe some CBT to help you change your thought patterns. Oh, and definitely post here more

Boleo

For me, recovery is so much more than not-drinking is like comparing crawling to sprinting. I have to maintain my ability to sprint every day with proper nutrition and frequent exercise.

doggonecarl

If you are going to events where you are the only sober person, you might give a thought to why you are putting yourself in these situations. I understand you are young. All your friends drink and drug. But the reality is, lots of people, the majority I'd say, don't drink and drug. You need to make some choices or continue to feel resentment.

Find sober friends and companions.

Like Dee said, recovery is about change. You might need to change you. Where you choose to go and who you choose to hang out with is an easy one to implement.

Boleo

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-alcohol.html

Jil

I have found friends who are sober but the events I'm talking about are unavoidable- birthdays and weddings. Even if you have sober friends, how many sober birthdays or weddings have you been to..?

I have only posted when I've felt really upset and like I have no where else to turn. I come here for opinions on situations that I'm going through, but haven't really felt a connection (because it's hard to when all contact is through written words rather than face-to-face).

Therapy helped lots while I was there. I stopped going because I truly felt that I had gotten to a happy place where the weight of sobriety had been lifted and transformed into something wonderful. But then BOOM one situation happens and I am back to square one.

pinkdog

Hi Jil, Think back to why you quit. You can feel good about that. Accept that you cannot drink. Acceptance is key. Go with the mindset of accomplishment, not being deprived. Pat yourself on the back. I know I am proud of you.

TrixMixer

Hi Jil,
First let me congratulate you on 2.5 years sober. That is a wonderful and courageous accomplishment.

LOL! I have been sober for some 25 years and cannot honestly say there is one definition of "Sobriety". For me it was learning to be at peace with myself and my life without alcohol in it and understanding what made me NEED that drink--like what did I think I was accomplishing with getting drunk?

Now this, dear girlfriend, is the "Elephant in the Room" so to speak! What the hell do you do with yourself when everyone around you is living it up and getting smashed. I never once thought people should stop drinking around me, hell it was me with the problem. They were just living their Own lives. So for me the answer was just give up going to places where everyone is getting drunk! Sounds simple, huh? It is not--probably the hardest thing I had to do when I got sober was give up "THAT LIFE". I have to give you a lot of credit, because I do not think I could have stayed sober if I continued to be exposed to those kinds of people and situations.....and I know I would have resented the hell out of the people that were able to make fools of themselves getting drunk--how screwed up is that?


So now for the brutal truth--I can tell you the only way to break FREE of those thoughts is to break Free of those people and places. I know--your young and your life at this stage centers around "Partying". Like I said it was the hardest thing I had to do--leave that world and everybody in it. For me t it was really brutal since my world at that time was "the Studio 54" life. Now your to young to know about the 80's excess, but Disco and Drinking was my life. We were all brain dead on alcohol or drugs...and we thought that was just the coolest thing ever....go figure.All those so called party friends never even knew I left their world, they were still drunk and dancing last time I saw them.

Anyway-----be kind to yourself and just don't expose yourself to that old way of living. Believe me there are wonderful times awaiting you with a whole new Sober mind set. Believe it or not there are people who do not depend on partying and getting drunk.....but you gotta leave that Alcoholic Life behind you. If you have the strength to get sober you have the strength to find peace in that sobriety.

hypochondriac

I have occasionally had to go to events like these but have found that they too are optional. I used to feel massively guilty about it but have noticed that there are no serious consequences if I don't go. I missed one of my best friends hen do cos I just thought that it wasn't the place for me to be. I did go to the wedding though It was tough and not my chosen place to be but I was only a few months sober then and nowadays I handle those situations much better. If you are still struggling maybe it'd be good to figure out why. Those books I mentioned are both anti brain washing type books which help you to look at alcohol in social occasions differently.

Don't post for you, post to help others I feel just being here helps me maintain my sobriety. I feel a connection to sobriety/recovery in general rather than to specific people. And posting to other people about their problems makes me think about how I would handle myself in that situation. I learn alot here.

That sounds normal, which is why these things require ongoing practice/work. Have you thought about taking up something like meditation? Or taking part in a regular support group. All these things, whether you feel you need them at that moment in time or not, can be helpful in maintaining sobriety and a happy state of mind about it. I have found that if I distance myself from others in recovery I start thinking more and more that drinking is a good idea. I need constant reminders...

You have achieved a massive amount by being sober for 2 1/2 years and I am sure there is lots you could teach us here. Hope you stick around x

Twinings

If you're the +1 could you not have declined?
You were invited by someone who drinks and drugs and you've made a choice to go and if you're feeling obligated that would be an area of your recovery to look at?

Maybe some way of making new friends who don't drink would be something else to consider, its something I am going to try do by getting involved in community projects and sports.

I often feel the same when out. All my friends drink and i'm jealous and bored. I would think recovery would be going out with my friends and not feeling this way.

MsJax

Jil, maybe you just don't like these situations & people. Nothing to do with recovery, it's just not your thing. Could that be it? It's ok not to like this stuff & I don't think it has any thing to do with where one is at in recovery. I used to go to a lot more events when I was drinking and now I don't. The only reason (for me) that they were tolerable is because I was always drunk. I think I just don't have the capacity for insincerity & BS like I used to. And I realize a lot of events are perfectly fine and enjoyable. But a lot aren't. I've had to change almost all the things I do. Sometimes it is kind of lonely but I'm always learning. I have about 2.5 years sober also. I hope you feel better.

Jil

Thank you all for your kind words. I would love nothing more than to be able to go to these type of events and actually feel happy and content (instead of always pretending that I am). I guess the question is... how am I going to make that happen?

I think, as a first step, I will pick up some books on meditation and recovery. I am also going to attend my regional addictions counselling centre.

I actually told the person that I was supposed to go to the wedding with that I could not attend (the dinner/dance part). He was mad and didn't understand why. To think I used to date him... which is why I said yes. When we were together, he was sober. I guess things have changed...

I also think I'll make more of an effort to post on here more.. I may need some help with that. I tend to focus on recovery only when I need it, and forget about it when I 'feel better'.

Today has been a better day.

hypochondriac

Yay Maybe it has been better cos you're posting here... Not that this place is some weird cult like place where you have to post in order to be happy in life... but I have found it helps anyway x

tangningsheng

First off congrats. You are doing well on your life. You having chosen this new you and you can't expect people imo to follow your thinking but I hope they respect that. I am just starting my new me journey but I expect my friends to understand or I will evolve and find new people that have a similar mind-frame. I am proud of your new life and I hope in 3 years I will be still on a new path with a clear mind.

Peace111

I am new to recovery, but I know it helps to have a sober support system. I have one friend who understands me and I can talk to him about all of it! He says that when he started he felt very uncomfortable at meetings but he went to one everyday sometimes the same location sometimes different locations until he felt comfortable at one and stuck with it. I went to one last week I wasn't too comfortable but I am going to a different one this week. Good luck