Sasha4

I am not in a very good place at the moment.
Its to do with my home life and I do not feel well. I am awaiting some tests, this week.

When I feel upset, down or anxious my mind tends to wander.
I trawl over things I have done in the past and am not proud of.

I repeat the event in my head over and over again. Go through what people said to me about my drunken behaviour.

Unfortunately a lot of it was at work.
There are two nights I am really ashamed about. I am still haunted by them. I still don't know what happened. I was blackout drunk.

I have no excuses. It was drinking in the evenings when we had a meeting away in a hotel for a few nights. One was a christmas do. Complete embaressing blackout behaviour. No memory. Had to be put to bed my colleagues. Awful states to be in never mind at work.

The only defence that I can use is that I was suffering extreme anxiety, was on a benzo and other anti-depressents that I should not have been drinking on. I never ate very much. I drank fast because I was nervous. I don't behave like that now, work or play. But its a little too late for me now.

I have two friends who i have worked with for a number of years.
They will have witnessed my many performances.

I am thinking of asking them to tell me just what happened, what was said, what I did, who saw what the full horror story. Then I will know and thats that.

I still feel really paranoid when I am with work people. If they make jokes about being drunk, I think they are meaning about me.

Please let me know what to do xx

Please tell me what

doggonecarl

Relax, please. That was a long time ago. You can't change the past and there is little you can do with the knowledge if you knew what you did that Christmas. If was really terrible you probably would have heard something.

As long as you are still sober you are doing the one thing that will move you past your mistakes of the past. Be strong.

Lightning Bug

If it were me, I would ask so I can make amends and move on. Carrying the unknown baggage in your head makes things worse than they really are.

foolsgold66

I'll chime in with 'relax and let it go'. Obsessing over things you can't change is not beneficial. Get your thoughts on the present and future. Yeah, I've done this too. I have to force myself out of it.

Mountainmanbob

lorelei

Sometimes, its best just to let go of the past, let it be, they most probably have forgotten whats happened, you are ruminating and letting it take over your mind..
Maybe these 2 things you find significant, need symbolically getting rid of, how about writing all this thats in your head and heart and doing a letter, apologising, getting it all of your chest then burn it, watch it burn and as it goes, as its burning let it go,. The more you hang onto the past the less you enjoy now, the only person you hurt is you, and you're the one you need to look after
L x

Mountainmanbob

Blackcat11

If you want peace in your heart-----just let it go and move on (IMHO)

hayley86

If it was me in this position i would not want to know. The past is the past. If you already feel vulnerable and are having a difficult time then finding out anything may only create more unnecessary unease. I would keep moving forward and working on your recovery.

ReadyAtLast

I would leave it.Chances are your colleagues have long forgotton-you bringing itupwill only remind them and to what purpose. Reliving the past will do you no good at all.you can't change it so why waste your time and energy trying to relive it.

As you say,there are many issues going on in your current life that your energies could be best concentrated on

happyhour

sasha, good morning. i wouldn't do anything, some of what happens when we are sober, we have to deal with situations and the past like an adult. and that's new for some of us. the situations you are talking about are not as repulsive as you may think. there is a weird thing about drunks - we have a heightened sense of ego - we think everyone is looking at us, judging us, and everyone is preoccupied thinking of us, but they are not, that coupled with low self esteem (for some reason another alcoholic personality trait) is not a good combo. people are impacted and do notice your "character", and if you are making good decisions today and treating yourself and others with respect and love, then that's what they will remember...

have a good sober day

hypochondriac

Oh hun, I understand, being of a paranoid disposition myself, but they are definitely not talking about you. I always thought that too, especially when I was still drinking, but you know what, people just like joking about drunk stuff. We take this stuff seriously because our lives were totally screwed up by drinking, but to everyone else it is just a big joke. I remember in my black out days I was mortified but all my friends thought it was hilarious, not in a oh my god you were so drunk way either, they thought it was cute. Even when my drunken behaviour was not great no one seemed to blame me. Drink always conveniently gets the blame. You may feel awful but I can guarantee you that your behaviour had very little impact on anyone else. I totally agree with happyhour, we do tend to think it's all about us, but it really isn't. There were a ton of other people at that party and I bet you weren't the only drunk one either.

More to the point this is just part of a downward spiral you are in Sasha, I demand you start thinking about something positive now! Please... Can't you start writing a list of all the good things you have done, all your positive personality traits. I know a downward spiral when I see one and the only way out I know of is to start countering those negatives with positives, quick.

Hugs x

Valll

You were not yourself back then dear Sasha. Don't be hard on yourself and chase those thoughts awayxxx

DylanS

Advice and opinion....

For me, the past will continue to drift into my thoughts as long as it isn't cleaned up. Thank God for a conscience, right?

I don't know what program, if any, you are using to stay sober, but in AA, after the 'cleaning up the wreckage of the past' comes certain promises, one of which is, "We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

As I see it, I have three choices: let it go (which I can't), clean it up, or sweep it under the rug. That last choice is like a burr under the saddle and may accumulate with other things until I'm finally so uncomfortable, I have to take a drink or a pill. But that's only my experience, of course.

If I know I've probably done something that goes against my values, I'm not one of those who can just let it go (without the aid of alcohol or drugs). I need to clean it up at some point in order to get free of the guilt, however minor it may seem.

HTH!

AlefVavResh

I agree. It probably means more to you than to them. Don't beat yourself up! Focus on the future

Mizzuno

I can relate to your experience. I too have moments when I am overwhelmed by my own drinking behaviors and the lack of knowledge that I have regarding the nights that I was drunk or in a blackout. In my opinion, I do not think it will help you in any way to know what has happened or did not happen. I think you may end up feeling worse in the long run, and this will lead you to have more anxiety and depression. Move on from it. Forgive yourself. You are sober and walking in a different direction. I know this is easier said than done. You are doing the best that you can. You have learned from it. May peace be with you Sasha!

EndGameNYC

Yes.

If no one else brings it up, then there's nothing in it for you to broach the subject. If you were that outlandish, it's likely someone would have said something by now, or you'd be aware that you're the ongoing topic of office gossip.

Keeping this alive stimulates anxiety and despair, and is corrosive to your sobriety.