I can relate to your experience. I too have moments when I am overwhelmed by my own drinking behaviors and the lack of knowledge that I have regarding the nights that I was drunk or in a blackout. In my opinion, I do not think it will help you in any way to know what has happened or did not happen. I think you may end up feeling worse in the long run, and this will lead you to have more anxiety and depression. Move on from it. Forgive yourself. You are sober and walking in a different direction. I know this is easier said than done. You are doing the best that you can. You have learned from it. May peace be with you Sasha!