Need a little inspiration to get clean or stay clean? Please Read
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Need a little inspiration to get clean or stay clean? Please Read
Hello Everybody,
As many of you know, I was struggling last night and feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep and my legs were hurting like hell. I wanted my DOC or my ex BF or anything other than what I was feeling.
I was very anxious all weekend about going back to work on Monday. I am in outside sales and it is a pretty stressful job that requires high energy. I didn't know if I could sell without my handfuls of pills and was really wondering how I would make it through the day.
This is Day 9 and my second time trying to get off these damn things.....
I wasn't feeling too great this morning but I forced myself to go out cold calling.
My first stop, the guy basically kicked me out and I wasn't feeling very confident but I need to make sales or I won't have a paycheck.
My second stop scheduled was a funeral home. The funeral director was in and we started talking and of course, he started telling me all of the reasons that he couldn't buy.... as we were talking this man comes in and asks to speak with him. They start talking right in front of me. This guy asks if he had "picked up" this man that had died the previous night and he said no - why. He went on the explain that XXXX had passed away the following night. He said this guy worked for him for many years and was a great guy but had alot of addiction issues and it finally claimed him life. As I listened to them talk, I honestly felt that this was NO coincidence. I was supposed to hear that conversation. And I am NOT a religious person but I was there for a reason.
All I could think about was that I am wasting my beautiful, precious life taking drugs and going through WD thinking I would never be happy again without them. Or never feel normal. Or never get through it. My entire body was covered in goosebumps and yes, that could have been from my WD symptoms - lol- but I am thinking it was something more.
I did end up selling that funeral home more than your average person buys and I walked out of there knowing that I will be okay. And that I am NOT going to waste one more minute of my life thinking about getting drugs or using drugs or trying to get off of drugs. I am going to be happy, whole and complete just being me in this beautiful world we live in.
This message wasn't just for me. It is for ALL of us.
As many of you know, I was struggling last night and feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep and my legs were hurting like hell. I wanted my DOC or my ex BF or anything other than what I was feeling.
I was very anxious all weekend about going back to work on Monday. I am in outside sales and it is a pretty stressful job that requires high energy. I didn't know if I could sell without my handfuls of pills and was really wondering how I would make it through the day.
This is Day 9 and my second time trying to get off these damn things.....
I wasn't feeling too great this morning but I forced myself to go out cold calling.
My first stop, the guy basically kicked me out and I wasn't feeling very confident but I need to make sales or I won't have a paycheck.
My second stop scheduled was a funeral home. The funeral director was in and we started talking and of course, he started telling me all of the reasons that he couldn't buy.... as we were talking this man comes in and asks to speak with him. They start talking right in front of me. This guy asks if he had "picked up" this man that had died the previous night and he said no - why. He went on the explain that XXXX had passed away the following night. He said this guy worked for him for many years and was a great guy but had alot of addiction issues and it finally claimed him life. As I listened to them talk, I honestly felt that this was NO coincidence. I was supposed to hear that conversation. And I am NOT a religious person but I was there for a reason.
All I could think about was that I am wasting my beautiful, precious life taking drugs and going through WD thinking I would never be happy again without them. Or never feel normal. Or never get through it. My entire body was covered in goosebumps and yes, that could have been from my WD symptoms - lol- but I am thinking it was something more.
I did end up selling that funeral home more than your average person buys and I walked out of there knowing that I will be okay. And that I am NOT going to waste one more minute of my life thinking about getting drugs or using drugs or trying to get off of drugs. I am going to be happy, whole and complete just being me in this beautiful world we live in.
This message wasn't just for me. It is for ALL of us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
Those are some powerful words we should all live by.
Dont give this stuff one more second of our lives. Excellent!
Also, it may seem that those pills made you a great salesperson but thats not true. YOU did that in SPITE of them.
Dont give this stuff one more second of our lives. Excellent!
Also, it may seem that those pills made you a great salesperson but thats not true. YOU did that in SPITE of them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada, Eh?
Posts: 73
Lrntolve, thank you for sharing . I've been following your posts and threads about your journey this time around, and although I don't know you, I am proud of you ! You have FAR more strength than you even know, your head is clear and I firmly believe that you ARE going to conquer this! Keep up the excellent work and please keep posting because you are bringing all of us a ton of inspiration !
Audrey
DAY 71
Audrey
DAY 71
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 676
Originally Posted by lrntolive 
Hello Everybody,
As many of you know, I was struggling last night and feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep and my legs were hurting like hell. I wanted my DOC or my ex BF or anything other than what I was feeling.
I was very anxious all weekend about going back to work on Monday. I am in outside sales and it is a pretty stressful job that requires high energy. I didn't know if I could sell without my handfuls of pills and was really wondering how I would make it through the day.
This is Day 9 and my second time trying to get off these damn things.....
I wasn't feeling too great this morning but I forced myself to go out cold calling.
My first stop, the guy basically kicked me out and I wasn't feeling very confident but I need to make sales or I won't have a paycheck.
My second stop scheduled was a funeral home. The funeral director was in and we started talking and of course, he started telling me all of the reasons that he couldn't buy.... as we were talking this man comes in and asks to speak with him. They start talking right in front of me. This guy asks if he had "picked up" this man that had died the previous night and he said no - why. He went on the explain that XXXX had passed away the following night. He said this guy worked for him for many years and was a great guy but had alot of addiction issues and it finally claimed him life. As I listened to them talk, I honestly felt that this was NO coincidence. I was supposed to hear that conversation. And I am NOT a religious person but I was there for a reason.
All I could think about was that I am wasting my beautiful, precious life taking drugs and going through WD thinking I would never be happy again without them. Or never feel normal. Or never get through it. My entire body was covered in goosebumps and yes, that could have been from my WD symptoms - lol- but I am thinking it was something more.
I did end up selling that funeral home more than your average person buys and I walked out of there knowing that I will be okay. And that I am NOT going to waste one more minute of my life thinking about getting drugs or using drugs or trying to get off of drugs. I am going to be happy, whole and complete just being me in this beautiful world we live in.
This message wasn't just for me. It is for ALL of us.
As many of you know, I was struggling last night and feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep and my legs were hurting like hell. I wanted my DOC or my ex BF or anything other than what I was feeling.
I was very anxious all weekend about going back to work on Monday. I am in outside sales and it is a pretty stressful job that requires high energy. I didn't know if I could sell without my handfuls of pills and was really wondering how I would make it through the day.
This is Day 9 and my second time trying to get off these damn things.....
I wasn't feeling too great this morning but I forced myself to go out cold calling.
My first stop, the guy basically kicked me out and I wasn't feeling very confident but I need to make sales or I won't have a paycheck.
My second stop scheduled was a funeral home. The funeral director was in and we started talking and of course, he started telling me all of the reasons that he couldn't buy.... as we were talking this man comes in and asks to speak with him. They start talking right in front of me. This guy asks if he had "picked up" this man that had died the previous night and he said no - why. He went on the explain that XXXX had passed away the following night. He said this guy worked for him for many years and was a great guy but had alot of addiction issues and it finally claimed him life. As I listened to them talk, I honestly felt that this was NO coincidence. I was supposed to hear that conversation. And I am NOT a religious person but I was there for a reason.
All I could think about was that I am wasting my beautiful, precious life taking drugs and going through WD thinking I would never be happy again without them. Or never feel normal. Or never get through it. My entire body was covered in goosebumps and yes, that could have been from my WD symptoms - lol- but I am thinking it was something more.
I did end up selling that funeral home more than your average person buys and I walked out of there knowing that I will be okay. And that I am NOT going to waste one more minute of my life thinking about getting drugs or using drugs or trying to get off of drugs. I am going to be happy, whole and complete just being me in this beautiful world we live in.
This message wasn't just for me. It is for ALL of us.
Well done on 9 days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Good Morning everyone - I hope you all were able to get a little sleep last night and have a lighter heart today. Thank you for your words of encouragment and your belief in my ability to get through this. I don't know what I would've done without SR and all of you.
And TiredEnough - I particularly liked what you said that I did it in SPITE of them. You opened my eyes to another way to view this... I had never even considered that a possibility.
Off to work. Wish me luck.
And TiredEnough - I particularly liked what you said that I did it in SPITE of them. You opened my eyes to another way to view this... I had never even considered that a possibility.
Off to work. Wish me luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: US
Posts: 729
Olive have a great day!
Are you wearing sensible shoes? Remember what I told you! I mean you don't have to go crazy and wear Crocs, but something that doesn't hurt your back, legs, or make you trip over a door mat and break your neck is needed
Are you wearing sensible shoes? Remember what I told you! I mean you don't have to go crazy and wear Crocs, but something that doesn't hurt your back, legs, or make you trip over a door mat and break your neck is needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
MK - I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. My heart goes out to you.
Trust me when I say that I understand because even though I am experiencing some healing now, it hasn't always been the case. My world was dark and gray for the 2 1/2 years I was clean. I was taking pain meds for about 13 years on a daily basis when I quite last time. I relapsed about 6 months ago and realized that I would end up dying from this if I didn't stop. But I didn't think stopping would save me either because the thought of going back to how I felt clean wasn't an option. I felt pretty hopeless.
And there wasn't anything that anyone could say to me that would make it better. And when others talked about how they saw the world anew - it pissed me off. I thought they were lying to themselves. Or that I was just deeply damaged with no chance of repair. Those were some pretty dark times and I am surprised that I am here today if I am honest with you.
But you can and will see the world anew. It happened for me yesterday and I don't know how or why. It isn't my willpower or a positive frame of mind, it just is. The ONLY thing I did was to put one foot of the other and dragged myself through each day. I cannot explain it but I will be eternally grateful for this renewed outlook on life. A chance to really live life not struggle through each day wishing I was dead. I know I am NOT in the clear. But I have hope now and that is everything. I am still feeling physically like crap but I am ALIVE. And I want to LIVE. I haven't been able to say that for many years.
I don't know when or how it will happen for you but I feel pretty confident in saying that it will happen - eventually. SEEK and YOU WILL FIND.
Trust me when I say that I understand because even though I am experiencing some healing now, it hasn't always been the case. My world was dark and gray for the 2 1/2 years I was clean. I was taking pain meds for about 13 years on a daily basis when I quite last time. I relapsed about 6 months ago and realized that I would end up dying from this if I didn't stop. But I didn't think stopping would save me either because the thought of going back to how I felt clean wasn't an option. I felt pretty hopeless.
And there wasn't anything that anyone could say to me that would make it better. And when others talked about how they saw the world anew - it pissed me off. I thought they were lying to themselves. Or that I was just deeply damaged with no chance of repair. Those were some pretty dark times and I am surprised that I am here today if I am honest with you.
But you can and will see the world anew. It happened for me yesterday and I don't know how or why. It isn't my willpower or a positive frame of mind, it just is. The ONLY thing I did was to put one foot of the other and dragged myself through each day. I cannot explain it but I will be eternally grateful for this renewed outlook on life. A chance to really live life not struggle through each day wishing I was dead. I know I am NOT in the clear. But I have hope now and that is everything. I am still feeling physically like crap but I am ALIVE. And I want to LIVE. I haven't been able to say that for many years.
I don't know when or how it will happen for you but I feel pretty confident in saying that it will happen - eventually. SEEK and YOU WILL FIND.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Fancy, you crack me up! Actually yesterday I had to rewrite the contract 3 times before I got it right. I did the math wrong several times. I also ran into a door when I went to leave another business. And I tripped into another one. I am definitely going to be more aware today of my surroundings and wear sensible shoes!!
I will remember your words today Cleanin!
May all our hearts be light today!
I will remember your words today Cleanin!
May all our hearts be light today!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Originally Posted by lrntolive
Hello Everybody,
As many of you know, I was struggling last night and feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep and my legs were hurting like hell. I wanted my DOC or my ex BF or anything other than what I was feeling.
I was very anxious all weekend about going back to work on Monday. I am in outside sales and it is a pretty stressful job that requires high energy. I didn't know if I could sell without my handfuls of pills and was really wondering how I would make it through the day.
This is Day 9 and my second time trying to get off these damn things.....
I wasn't feeling too great this morning but I forced myself to go out cold calling.
My first stop, the guy basically kicked me out and I wasn't feeling very confident but I need to make sales or I won't have a paycheck.
My second stop scheduled was a funeral home. The funeral director was in and we started talking and of course, he started telling me all of the reasons that he couldn't buy.... as we were talking this man comes in and asks to speak with him. They start talking right in front of me. This guy asks if he had "picked up" this man that had died the previous night and he said no - why. He went on the explain that XXXX had passed away the following night. He said this guy worked for him for many years and was a great guy but had alot of addiction issues and it finally claimed him life. As I listened to them talk, I honestly felt that this was NO coincidence. I was supposed to hear that conversation. And I am NOT a religious person but I was there for a reason.
All I could think about was that I am wasting my beautiful, precious life taking drugs and going through WD thinking I would never be happy again without them. Or never feel normal. Or never get through it. My entire body was covered in goosebumps and yes, that could have been from my WD symptoms - lol- but I am thinking it was something more.
I did end up selling that funeral home more than your average person buys and I walked out of there knowing that I will be okay. And that I am NOT going to waste one more minute of my life thinking about getting drugs or using drugs or trying to get off of drugs. I am going to be happy, whole and complete just being me in this beautiful world we live in.
This message wasn't just for me. It is for ALL of us.
As many of you know, I was struggling last night and feeling pretty hopeless. I couldn't sleep and my legs were hurting like hell. I wanted my DOC or my ex BF or anything other than what I was feeling.
I was very anxious all weekend about going back to work on Monday. I am in outside sales and it is a pretty stressful job that requires high energy. I didn't know if I could sell without my handfuls of pills and was really wondering how I would make it through the day.
This is Day 9 and my second time trying to get off these damn things.....
I wasn't feeling too great this morning but I forced myself to go out cold calling.
My first stop, the guy basically kicked me out and I wasn't feeling very confident but I need to make sales or I won't have a paycheck.
My second stop scheduled was a funeral home. The funeral director was in and we started talking and of course, he started telling me all of the reasons that he couldn't buy.... as we were talking this man comes in and asks to speak with him. They start talking right in front of me. This guy asks if he had "picked up" this man that had died the previous night and he said no - why. He went on the explain that XXXX had passed away the following night. He said this guy worked for him for many years and was a great guy but had alot of addiction issues and it finally claimed him life. As I listened to them talk, I honestly felt that this was NO coincidence. I was supposed to hear that conversation. And I am NOT a religious person but I was there for a reason.
All I could think about was that I am wasting my beautiful, precious life taking drugs and going through WD thinking I would never be happy again without them. Or never feel normal. Or never get through it. My entire body was covered in goosebumps and yes, that could have been from my WD symptoms - lol- but I am thinking it was something more.
I did end up selling that funeral home more than your average person buys and I walked out of there knowing that I will be okay. And that I am NOT going to waste one more minute of my life thinking about getting drugs or using drugs or trying to get off of drugs. I am going to be happy, whole and complete just being me in this beautiful world we live in.
This message wasn't just for me. It is for ALL of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 64
Im glad this has helped you, electric. Hang in there.
It gets better each day or at least that is what I'm telling myself as I lay here in bed trying to sleep. I even broke down and took a xsnax - nothing - still awake.
It gets better each day or at least that is what I'm telling myself as I lay here in bed trying to sleep. I even broke down and took a xsnax - nothing - still awake.
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