Acheleus

So I am really scared of my alcoholism. Blacking out scares me, falling down scares me, making a fool of myself. I have no idea why one bad thing happened and I went out and drank. Trying again. I surrender to whoever will take care of my spirit. This really is a disease.

ScottFromWI

While it is scary Ach, you already know that you don't have to face any of those things if you don't drink. You had a great period of sobriety broken by a lone relapse, don't dwell on that. Remember what worked for those 30 some days and apply it to today.

Soberpotamus

Well whatever you decide to do, whichever program you follow, just know I am here to support you on SR... you can beat this! Glad you are picking yourself right back up and going for it again!

I agree with you, I tend to see it as a disease as well... it has enough of the characteristics that the AMA declared it a disease as well. But no matter what "it" is, I just believe it is of the utmost importance to try to arrest it in its tracks at this point.

You have a lot of life left to live. And a lot to give others. And a lot to say to the world... so, at least know I am here to support you in any way I can Hang in there, buddy!

Seeing your counselor, finding some meetings... reading some recovery books... all smart moves right now, imo. Just take drinking out of the equation.

Olive1

Being an alcoholic is very scary for me...it almost killed me. Recovering is also very scary, especially in the beginning. But overcoming it is possible and I truly believe you can.
Good job on day 2.

Acheleus

I just feel so alone now and I cannot believe how I relapsed just because of a low grade. Being in school and doing this really stresses me out, but I am glad the relapse didn't extend into weeks. Maybe I can try to feel better if I rest some more. I can't even think today.

Olive1

You are not alone.
You have us.

Soberpotamus

Would ice-cream cheer you up? I know it did for me at first. Lol. Rest, ice-cream, coffee... those were the things I did at first, and some reading. Just some ideas...

Acheleus

My body is just very sore. I fell in some mud and I am so angry at myself for being a dumbass. It's like someone else is trying to hurt me. I just feel like crying but I can't.

bemyself

Oh, Acheleus - sorry to hear of what's happened. But I'm with you too. I just busted yesterday, barely four hours after getting home from a week detox in rehab FFS! So I understand what you're going through.

Take heart from all your dear SR friends - we love you, and respect and honour your depth of soul and spirit.

Bubovski

Hi Acheleus.
WE all did heaps of crazy things........that's why we're here!

The past can be a bucket of ashes; get in to a system that suits and find some real freedom.

Bubovski

For decades, while poisoning body and mind, I never even related alcohol with real disease.
I thought alcoholism was an end result expressed as wet brain or the DTs.

Now I am convinced that it is a very real and vile disease and nothing will change this conviction.

wpainterw

Wow! You're in School! I truly wish I'd have quit when I was in school! It would have spared me and others countless heartaches if I'd quit. I didn't really quit for forty more years. Now I've been sober for 25. I wish I'd quit when I was in school...

W.

IWillWin

Ach - you are learning by living. Keep taking those lessons and apply them one by one. You can do this!!!!!!

This is but one bump in the road to a better life. Keep on keepin' on. Your honesty and smarts will help guide you

Acheleus

Thank you guys. I am listening to sone speaker tapes and I will try to get some books on recovery. My counselor today said it takes a lot of courage to do what I am doing, and that a relapse is a part of the process. SR is great and I hope you all are feeling well. Talking to my counselor really makes me look at the crazy childhood I had. My parents were not there for me emotionally and I believe I was born an alcoholic. Drinking is not a part of me and I will fight until I am exhausted. Meeting tonight may help.

Notmyrealname

Drink for five, ten or twenty years, kind of hard to just drop it like it's hot all at one time. Might take you a few tries over a few months, or even years. You just gotta keep on working at it. Every relapse is a lesson in how to (hopefully) avoid the next one.

Stay the course!

little school pun there .. "courses" .. like in school ..

RunningRaces

Hang in there man, I can relate. Last Friday I relapsed myself and some bad bad things happened to me. I got mugged and then passed out and woke up in a yard by myself with no idea how I got there. I got hit in the head hard by the mugger and lost my glasses and keys. It's been an ordeal. But it was eye opening and I'm refocusing on things I could've done different. I'm a fan of AA and some members here suggested I grab a sponsor so I have someone to call when I am about to make another bad decision. I know it's true, relapse is part of it, but dang it isn't easy. Like everyone said move forward and focus on the good times you had sober and work towards that again. You can do it, and I believe I can too. All the best

Acheleus

You are damn right we can. Sorry to hear you were mugged. I could barely stand up walking home and fell down in mud, so I know not to mess around with this stuff any longer. I am just disappointed in myself. Tomorrow is a new day.

bigsombrero

Good luck, I know you've been battling this and stress seems to be a big trigger. Think of quitting as giving your body and mind a break this stress. I would often drink to cure my stress, only to finally realize my drinking is what created it in the first place.

Be kind to yourself and be strong, day by day you can do this. Hope you are well.

RunningRaces

I always knew I had a problem with alcohol-I'm an alcoholic. But this time really proved to me that not only can I not drink at all, because of my addiction, after what happened in my blackout, my body can no longer process alcohol. I know now, that if I drink again, even just a little, I could go into an even worse outcome. Physical and mentally my body is beat from this. I'm scared of the future but am doing whatever it takes to stop this and try to set up the support I need to not pick up again

Dee74

While it's common for a lot of us to falter, I don't like the idea that 'relapse is a part of the process' & that relapse is inevitable....kinda like a get out of jail free card...

It's simply not true and it's dangerious - some of us may never make our way back from 'going out'

You were doing well...you dropped your load, and you're back now a little wiser.

Keep moving forward, keep reaching out for help with your anxiety and learn from your mistakes - commit to never drinking again, and you'll be ok Ach

D