scarystuff

i'm not exactly new to SR. Over the past few years I have made couple serious attempts at getting sober, but I don't think I've ever made it a full month. I went 20 days on my first try. maybe 2 weeks on my second try. but i always wind up back in the same situation. drinking almost every day. constantly depressed. when I drink home alone, I don't even like the way it feels. i don't know why I do it. lately when I drink, it's not even for fun. it's because i'm in pain. and I drink because its the only way i know how to feel a little better. I call it maintenance drinking. Need a couple beers at least, just to feel ok. At the bar I call it getting a tune up.
I got way way too drunk this weekend, and I'm so ashamed at myself. I feel like the most awful human being in the world right now. I must be suicidal to be doing this to myself. I know I've got a serious problem. I know I should be going to AA, but for some reason I'm too scared to walk in the door. right now I'm too scared to leave my apartment. I want to crawl under a rock and die. I don't want anyone to see me.

WhiteFeathers

Hey there!

I just wanted to chime in and say that there is no reason to fear going to AA. The people there will be nice to you! If you are nervous about going alone, you can call your local AA and have someone take you.

If you live in a metro area, you will find all kinds of meetings that suit you...meetings for women, men, gay, young people, etc... Everyone there has been where you are and you will not be judged. Just go check it out, you have nothing to lose!

AugustWest11

That was me 33 days ago; exactly to a T .. I am not saying it is gonna be easy; cause it hasn't .. Actually has been one of the toughest things I have ever faced . But let me say; It Does\Has gotten better .. Maybe not in the "Big Picture" Sort of way I was hoping for, but the lil things .. Like sunrises, waking up not Hung Over ... My Cats welcome home from work Purr .. and Yea the cravings have been there; but you have to occupy your mind and move through them . Just hang in there keep posting and READ .. Tons of good info here as well as books on amazon and all .. Good Luck ..

scarystuff

i just did something really stupid and embarrassing this weekend and I hate this feeling of incredible awful shame. i'm so ashamed. i wish i could just go somewhere and start new and fresh where no one would judge me and i wouldn't have to hide from anything.

scarystuff

how do I fix this feeling? I wish I could just tell someone what I did so they could tell me it's not that bad and everything is going to be okay, but I can't. i'm too embarrassed

scarystuff

i feel like i'm having a panic attack. but i will not drink today

Anna

Well, I think it's safe to tell us here what happened. We don't judge people. Or you could always PM someone if you like.

You said 'I must be suicidal to be doing what I'm doing'. I get that completely. I think for me, my self-esteem was non-existent and that's why I was able to continue poisoning myself.

ScottFromWI

You can tell us here if you like. Or you could tell a priest. Or you could talk to whomever you were with and apologize. You can't change what you did, but you can move forward and show people you are serious about getting sober.

We also can't tell you that everything will be OK, that's your choice. If you keep drinking, things definitely won't be OK. In fact, they will get worse, much worse. If you decide to stop drinking, time can heal many wounds.

First off you need to stop. AA can be a great first step. There are lots of other methods too, you can read a about them here. But none of them (AA include) will work at all if you don't have the desire or commitment to quit.

Nuudawn

Welcome to it. It's called sobriety.

This is a wonderful start scarystuff. Stay sober today. Focus on getting through today...read and post here. Stay close. There's a lot of wonderful folks here with extended hands.

scarystuff

I got almost black out drunk on friday night. And depressed. so when I was done drinking with my friends at the bar and decided to go home, I didn't go directly home. I decided to stop in the gay bar. I'm 100% straight, and not homophobic at all. i guess my depression and loneliness made me want to stop there because I know that gay men are always so nice to me and maybe someone there would be able to make me feel better about myself. It doesn't make any sense, but this was my incredibly drunk and depressed brain thinking at the time. so i went and I was depressed and drunk and some guy did start talking to me. I told him right off the bat that I was actually straight, but I just happen to get along with gay men. outside having cigarette with him and he kissed me. I don't know why I let that happen, but I did. I kissed a gay man. Again, I'm 100% straight. I really think I just wanted someone to be nice to me, and I'm terrible at meeting women at bars. After having another drink, I decided I wanted to go smoke a joint. Long story short, this guy walked home with me and we smoked some weed at my place. He probably thought he was coming over to get laid, but I think i just wanted a friend. So basically, we hung out at my place, smoked some weed, and I threw some comedy on tv. That's it. Nothing sexual happened except for that one time let the kiss happen earlier. At my house we just smoked and watched tv until I went to my bed and he fell asleep on my couch. woke up the next morning and the guy had already left. And I'm thinking, what the F is wrong with me? I just brought a guy home from a gay bar that I just met? What the hell is wrong with me that I have to do this kind of **** just to not feel so damn depressed and alone? Most importantly though, I just wish someone could tell me that what I did wasn't so bad and everything is going to be okay. Cause right now I'm just a big bag of shame and I hate myself

scarystuff

there it is... i said it. I thought I'd feel better once I got it off my chest, but I don't.

scarystuff

there is more. i saw him the next day walking down the street. We said hi and acted normal like we were best friends or something, but for me i was still totally embarrassed and ashamed. But I faked it and tried to put on a normal face and act like everything was fine, I'm fine, this is all totally normal.
well, let me back up a little. i woke up in the morning with an incredible hangover. I immediately went to my neighborhood bar for brunch and a "tune up" of about 5 beers. Between the hangover and the realization of what the hell I had done the night before, I needed to start drinking immediately. After brunch and beers, I go buy some more weed. Anyway, this is when I bump into the guy - about 2 blocks from where I live. As we're talking, he hands me a pill. And I'm like, what's this? I think it was percoct or something like that I don't remember. But he says "its the same as the one I gave you last night to make you feel better". I had forgot all about that. Well, I remembered once he said that, but wow. I was so damn drunk that I took a pill from a guy at a gay bar and I can barely remember it. It must have just seemed like such a normal thing at the time, that I just popped it without a second thought. It certainly contributed to my hangover. When i think about it now i realize how incredibly dangerous and stupid my behavior is. so yeah, right now I'm having a hard time looking in the mirror.

Nuudawn

Lots to process today. I hope you are not ashamed about hanging out with someone who happened to be gay. First and foremost, the man is a human being. You felt a need to connect with someone and felt like you went to the likeliest place to get "attention". I imagine you felt it would be harder to go find a woman with a compassionate ear in a straight bar as their is whole different dynamic going on there.
I'm not a big fan of shame..really not. You are a human but from a cognitive perspective your behaviour was dangerous. You were obliviated and not "minding" yourself. You were so absent that you took some random pill from a stranger. No need for shame but certainly a need to know where vacating your senses takes you.

I'm in early sobriety and sometimes it can be really tough to stay in your own skin because quite frankly, I don't know how. I've run to booze for every little discomfort or reason for a long long time. I'm learning...each and every day...I'm learning

Coldfusion

Hi, Scary, welcome back.

You seem to be doing things while drunk that you regret, and that is a major sign that it is time to stop drinking before you hurt yourself or somebody else.

The need for social and physical interaction is very basic. Part of this need can be filled by going to AA meetings (straight men often hug one another at meetings). Some times all you need is a kind word and a pat on the back, and the more often you go to meetings and get this the better. Please try to get over your reluctance and reach out to those who want to help you.

scarystuff

i'm' not ashamed at hanging out with someone who is gay. that part doesn't bother me at all. I have plenty of gay friends,that isn't the issue at all. it has more to do with me and my behavior. I'm the one with the problem.

Nuudawn

Cool. Well, you're in good company scary...we all share a pretty similar problem round here.
And the gay fellow is probably kicking himself for hangin with a straight guy.. (lol). wondering why he is attracted to the "emotionally unavailable"....why he cannot find love and connection. Sometimes we look in places to simply re-affirm to ourselves that we are as unloveable as we think. Which of course...is a big fat lie.

Newatthis34

I'm with Nuudawn. Why is it worse to have acted as you did with a gay man? Ok obviously he fancied his chances since you took him home after kissing him, but I'm a bit disturbed by the subtext to your post. Don't get me wrong, I too have done equally dumbass stuff when drunk, even going further and waking up in a strangers bed next morning, but the lesson to be learned is in relation to alcohol not going into a gay bar.

scarystuff

now I feel even more bad because I really didn't want my feelings to seem homophobic or anything like that. I'm not ashamed for being in a gay bar, I'm ashamed at what I drunk I am. I truly apologize if anyone read what i wrote and was offended. I love gay people. I don't hate anyone but myself.

scarystuff

nuudawn, thank you. you just made me smile a little

Abetterway

Scarey,

Wow, I was reading with anticipation to hear about the horrible thing you did. All I get is that you took a pill and kissed a guy? Well, I'm a gay women and I've kissed a guy and I survived.

Seriously though, stop. You sound like a good person. Stop hurting yourself. Get sober and then when you do outragous things you'll do them cause you really want to.

I'm hoping for the best for you.