scarystuff

for the record, i don't think I'd be feeling any better about it if it was a woman. the fact that it was a gay bar I went to only shows how messed up my head is. That is not to say there is something wrong with being gay...there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. I just happen to not be gay. I just think it's pretty pathetic and desperate that I would go to such lengths just to try and find someone to make me feel better. gay or straight doesn't matter. the fact that i went to a gay bar is just one more layer to the story. to be honest, I really don't know what the hell i was thinking, I'm just to figure it out. my drunk brain doesn't often make much sense. i don't understand anything right now. all I know is the pain I feel know, and i know that I'm an alcoholic.

Nuudawn

Aw honey...I think we all ended up here cuz we hated ourselves. Stick around...stay with us whilst we all learn to know and like ourselves : )

Newatthis34

I didn't mean to upset you Scary, i understand where you're coming from better now. That's the worst thing about this drinking malarkey - it just turns your brain to mush and it's nigh on impossible to unravel the many threads of confusion after a night of madness. Plus throw a lorry-load of guilt into the mix and it really is hard to see what exactly you are feeling so bad about. Usually the fact of drinking is the main reason, all the other stuff that is part and parcel of it (arrests, one night stands etc etc) would never occur if the alcohol wasn't part of the story. Hating yourself really is counter-productive though. It will lead you to drink more. Try loving yourself and stop the alcohol. You can do it.

scarystuff

thank you everyone for listening to me. I've pretty much spent hours today crying on my couch, but I think I might be starting to feel better. I think in my mind it all seemed a lot worse. i know I'm an alcoholic and i have a problem. that's what i need to work on. what's done is done, and I'm starting to realize that some of the specific details about what exactly happened don't really matter. quitting drinking is what's important. life is more important. see I'm trying to talk myself out of the shame I feel. it's almost working.

scarystuff

Newatthis34, don't worry - you did not upset me. I'm already kind of an upset mess, and that's my own fault. I just want to make sure I didn't do or say anything that would offend anyone on this site. you are the people keeping me alive right now. if I didn't make the choice to sign in and share some of this today, I'm sure I'd be in the bar right now getting hammered causing even more pain. I don't want to upset the people that are here helping me.

LadyBlue0527

scarystuff,

I think that I get what you're saying. You put your story out there because you are so completely flabbergasted by your actions beyond anything you've ever done previously. You don't have anything against people who are gay, in fact, I don't think that has anything to do with the core reason you're feeling the way that you do.

You just met the REAL Mr Hyde and that, in itself is scary. Me being female, I prefer to call it my Sybil awakening. This is assuming that you know who Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Sybil are. Your alcoholic alter ego. You know, the person who lives in the moment and says and does things that are totally out of character for you. However, they usually do things that make you hang your head low and call people apologetically and feel the utmost remorse. That is, until it's time to drink again.

However, there finally comes a day where something happens that is so totally out of character and out of whack from who you are that it's almost beyond comprehension. Something that you did that was so not you that the earth just doesn't sit right below your feet. To even think about it makes your skin crawl because it's so far outside of the realm of who you know as yourself. The circumstance doesn't matter, it's the fact that you had a total lack of control over yourself and what you did. No wonder they sometimes refer to alcohol as spirits because it certainly can possess you. Very scary and unsettling.

There are many here who have been exactly where you are today, including me.

The important thing is that you realize why it happened. You're here. You already know that this board is a great place to be. You said that you won't drink today, and that's a start

scarystuff

ladyblue, that makes perfect sense. that really sums it up pretty well

niijikwe

Are you serious? The point isnt associating with a gay person and being discriminatory. Of course it is about alcohol usage. The point is being drunk enough to nearly have homosexual sex when you are a straight person. And he has a right to feel scared that he was drunk enough to almost consider homosexual sex when he is not homosexual. There is nothing unPC about that.

Tamerua

I don't think your post came off as homophobic (I am a lesbian btw but I can only speak for me). I do think that you are feeling shame from the out of control and insanity that accompanies the drinking. I was like that... Start with a drink and if you offered me anything else, I wouldn't think twice about taking it.

The good thing is that you never ever have to feel this way again. Don't pick up a drink, either go to the meeting that you were thinking of (or call the hotline and they will have you meet someone to take you) and keep posting here. Maybe journal some so that when the days are rosey and you forget how bad you felt, you can go back.

It is ok and it isn't as bad as you were thinking.

Hevyn

Scary - I'm so glad you came here and talked about what happened. I hope it helps you feel less anxious about it. You are among friends - most of us have incidents similar to this in our past. Things that would never have happened if we hadn't been wasted.

Every time I drank it led to a dangerous & unpredictable outcome. There are two things I did about 20 yrs. ago that I cringe every time I remember them. I don't dwell on them anymore - I had to let them go so I could move forward - but I remind myself of them from time to time - as proof that I can't touch alcohol. Not a drop. I never know where it will take me.

Feel encouraged, not ashamed - as Tamerua said - here's where it can end.

scarystuff

thank you tamerua. it really is the out of control insanity that comes with the drinking. this time around, I wound up so out of control I was taking an unknown pill from a man I just met in a bar. A couple years ago, I wound up getting arrested for an assault that I have absolutely no recollection of - and it happened on a freaking airplane. I've wound up in the hospital to get stitches on a number of occasions - not even from bar fighting, just from random injuries I've sustained while drinking. I'm not even a violent person at all, so the arrest for assault was a huge shocker. it happened a couple years ago, and still to this day, I have no idea what happened on that plane. The list goes on and on.

artsoul

I'm really glad you felt like you could share with us, scary..... The way you began, I was waiting for something much worse, but I totally understand what it's like to wake up and think "did I really do that last night?" I imagine we all know what that's like.

Just focus on today and staying sober. And remembereverything feels 100 times worse the first day or two after drinking. So, keep it simple today and be good to yourself, OK?

Nuudawn

Keepin' my eye on you scary : ) Hope you're getting through today.

JaylaaKent

You should move - get away - it will hinder your recovery having this "constant reminder" of how you are feeling every time you run into this guy. Honestly, you didn't do anything that horrible - you just wanted some company and affection.