allysen

I don't get it. Is it just denial? Or am I missing something?

AH and I separated 2 months ago. He moved out. In the year prior to that, the consequences of his alcoholism included a DUI, five trips to detox, a stay at rehab, debt, as well as the associated insanity (driving drunk, drunk while watching the kids, swearing at everyone, cuts and bruises from falling, hanging out with strippers). They know all this.

AH is an only child. His parents live close by. AH's maternal grandfather was an alcoholic (according to AH, not his parents). However, his parents don't drink.

Last week, AH emailed me to say he was going to 'detox at home' and won't see the kids for a week. (This isn't the first time he's cancelled seeing them so he can drink). So I asked his parents if they could babysit tomorrow so I could go to AlAnon as usual. The response I received, via email, was that I should be asking AH to do this as he really wants to see the kids and they have no doubt AH 'would be responsible.' They added that they saw AH that day.

Do they not see it? Can they not see even just the physical changes in AH lately? Don't they smell the booze seeping from him? He talks like a lunatic lately (world hates him, god is dead, we are on the cusp of hell, etc). It's making me think I'M crazy!!

I do know that they view the alcoholism as a marital issue. They have encouraged AH to quit attending AA. I wont be replying to them. Any thoughts?

HopefulmomtoD

Denial can be very strong coping mechanism-unhealthy as it is.

I imagine as his parents, they feel responsible for his behavior in some ways. If he's not that bad, they're not that bad.

Sad, but I've got a relative that behaves much the same way.

Or, they could just be crazy, lol. In that case, I don't know that I'd want them babysitting my kids anyway.

fluffyflea

Can you never mind the parents and someone else to watch them?

dandylion

allysen, I can think of several reasons that might play into their behavior. At the top of the list would be ignorance and denial. Ignorant of the facts and nature of alcoholism. Denial--perhaps because it would "look bad" for them as parents and their egos couldn't take it. Also there is a possibility that he is giving them a hard time also--so, they might feel the pressure to pick sides, so to speak.

All in all, I think that you aren't going to find any support from his family---so, might as well not to go to THAT hardware store looking for bread. Sad, I know......

dandylion

Brokentapestry

My AH's mom is living in denial too. For me, it helps to remember that she is going through this hell too. She's losing her son, watching him destroy himself and his family, and that hurts. Right now, for whatever reason, she can't deal with the reality of the situation. That is just where she is, and I can't change it or control it. All that I can do is change how I interact with her. As dandelion said, stop going to that hardware store.

This disease messes up so many things, and tears apart so many relationships. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sending you hugs.

LexieCat

And the other thing to consider, too, is that you are seeing what she WANTS you to see--IOW, you don't know how worried and stressed out she might be behind closed doors. Just as we sometimes put the "best face" on for others, so do parents.

Florence

My AH's parents put him through 4-6 rehabs (depending on who's counting) before they were willing to admit out loud that he might have a problem.

choublak

He's also their only child...

bigbasscat

Having seen the family dynamics both ways - alcoholic or addicted parents and A/A children, there seems to be a very strong trait of denial in either example.

It took me a long time to acknowledge my mother's (prescription) drug addiction, and my best friend went through the same with his mother's alcoholism.

He beat the odds and never has had a A/D problem, but his daughter started in with drugs in her early teens and it wasn't until she became addicted to meth later on that he really owned the fact that she was an addict.

It's a sorry set of circumstances, and some people never can accept that their loved ones have addiction issues.

allysen

Thank you for the responses. It has helped tremendously. I love SR

spiderqueen

One more thought: Your inlaws may be thinking that time with his kids will help motivate your husband to stay sober. Any normal person would think that! Unfortunately, it's not the case, which you know too well. (My ABF's mom is still his primary "cheerleader", even though we have had many frank discussions about his affliction, which she doesn't deny. But she still says stuff like, "He just needs a job", a "purpose", a "schedule", whatever, and he'll get better!! Wishful, magical thinking, mom.)