EverySngleNight

I'm back... Sort of. I have a social obligation today and I'm severely hungover. So I will be drinking to make the prior engagement. From there, maybe my husband and I can get into some treatment. Maybe SMART Recovery. Bad bad things have happened. We're both in therapy but are sweeping the boozing under the rug. He got blackout drunk several weeks ago and he broke my elbow. I throw things... Not at anyone.. But I get drunk and pissed sometimes and chuck stuff. Everything wrong with my life revolves around alcohol. I'm scared to change. I'm embarrassed for anyone to know what's really going on. I'm afraid of not getting my ADHD medication which I do not abuse EVER, which I really do need to function like a "normal" person. *disclaimer; please do not debate with me over my ADHD or it's treatment. I will cover my ears, close my eyes, and loudly repeat "LA LA LA LA LA!!". Okay? TY

The bottom line is, I'm trying to attack this from every angle with the exception of giving up drinking. I love it and I hate it. It builds me up and demoralizes me. I stop but I start again. Blah blah blah!!! Same sh*t, different fn day. I dont mean to sound so negative, but its just so damned frustrating!! you know??Maybe I really should line up my ducks and go to rehab. Have you guys been? Is there someone here that can help me figure out that process? I want to get better, I do. But I need help.

EverySngleNight

I just keep reading this and thinking- is this my life?? Really?? I'm completely disgusted to be me. That is SO sad.

DrSober

I just did twenty-something days of rehab (11 days inpatient and 14 days outpatient). It was a mostly very positive experience.

If you're OK with 12-step approaches, generally any reasonably well-funded program would work fine.

However, if you know from the outset that you'll have a problem with the "god" stuff, being required to work the steps, getting a sponsor, admitting powerlessness, etc., than you'll want to shop around a lot more carefully (the Minnesota Model - which is wedded to 12-step, tends to monopolize the treatment industry, which *is* an industry, make no mistake).

My program was a Minnesota-model based program, however, in the last few years they did start allowing in 12-step alternatives, which in my case was two Lifering meetings per week plus availability of the "Recovery by Choice" workbook to those who wanted it. I immediately got the workbook when I was there and worked on it constantly while an inpatient, and went to every LR meeting (I also worked on the workbook in my 12-step meetings when they were doing the prayers and chanting stuff, just to keep me sane).

Aside from the specifics of it, I think that being in an inpatient program was extremely valuable to me in that I was able to get distance from everything for a week or so. This particular program also enforced a "no caffeine" rule which, while extra difficult, was really good for me - I'm resolving to continue to be extremely careful about coffee from here on out, I think it was part of my pattern.

Anyways, good luck. It starts with a decision and then you need to start remaking your life one step at a time. Just one guy's opinion who is only 42 days out (so take my advice with a grain of salt).

visch1

Alcoholism is much more than sad, it's deadly. Many people are repulsed by just the word so they find acceptance of the fact very difficult. When I started to get dry it told me I was ok even after the facts were laid out to me. It's easy to fall into the denial pit, difficult getting out. There is a lot of good reading here along with help, just ask. I needed AA way back when and its worked for me and millions over the years. The so called secret is just don't pick up the first drink no matter what. Simple one day at a time tho not always easy as it takes work on ourselves. BE WELL

Mountainmanbob

I went to rehab back in 1989 and stayed sober just short of 3 years

I think it to be a good place for most drunks who can't stop drinking

also

just reading the AA Big Book tells us a lot regarding alcoholism


Mountainman

visch1

42 days is a good start. Keep coming. BE WELL

EverySngleNight

Thank you everyone. I'm not sure where to go. I live in MA. And yes I am opposed to the "god stuff" well, not OPPOSED per se. I am a member of an alternative religion and there are certain programs unfortunately don't fit with my personal feelings or beliefs. That's all. No judging either way. Maybe there is a rehab that will take my insurance here locally that uses different treatment models on a more individual basis?? I don't even know where to start. I'm so convinced I won't follow through. I wish somebody in my life would just grab me and help me walk through this. I don't know if I can do this on my own... Don't know how or where to start.

EverySngleNight

One screwdriver down, hair ponytailed, visine in eyes, makeup time. Getting ready for the "show". Pathetic. Horrible. This is only the 1,885,225th time I've done this ritual. F me dude. FLOCK!!!!!

Dee74

I'm sorry you're stuck in the cycle ESN.

Really, I wouldn't consider any option out of bounds if you want to get out of the cesspool - recovery programmes, counselling, rehab, the lot.

As for your medication - I can't see any situation where any reputable doctor would take you off medication you need.

I can see situations tho where taking those meds and drinking on them could be problematic or even dangerous for you.

This is a national database of rehab facilities. Enter your general location then hit the 'select services' button and you can refine the results to the parameters you want - sliding scale etc

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery programmes around too - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
In my experience, inaction just leads to more drinking....

Mountainmanbob

you should feel right at home in AA meetings

there are so many different higher powers there it makes me dizzy

and you don't have to have any at all if that's your preference

but

AA has helped many to recover from alcoholism (that's the point) if wanted


Mountainman

EverySngleNight

First of all- TY SO MUCH Dee. That was a really helpful post. Im sorry im stuck in this cycle right now too. It's brutal. And, Mountainmanbob- I really appreciate your insight. I understand that AA is designed to be compatible with many forms of spirituality. I've spent a lot of time in those rooms, and I know it helps people greatly. I have no judgement about that. For me spiritually, it's not compatible. Just, on a really base level. HOWEVER, I will go to AA and embrace it as well as I can - if that's my only option. It would be my prefrence to seek out an alternative method. But nothing is off limits at this point, as I know I need help. Hope that makes sense... I dunno. :-/ either way, TY for your post.

The good news- I think- my husband has agreed that we will get ourselves into a meeting of some type, by Monday. I'm hoping we can find a secular group, within a reasonable distance to join. Beyond that, he's agreed to help me look into rehabs. I'm not sure if I can go right away? But I need to figure out what my options are. He and I have both effed up, but I know he can quit and will be dedicated. I'm the one that usually gets the best of us-with temptations. He's willing to help me figure it out, and we're on the same page. We both know its a problem. So, maybe together we can find a way to help, and not hurt eachother. God willing.

After detoxing at home last time, (it was really hard) I don't know if I can ween off and stop... I might need some help this time. I wish I felt comfortable letting the cat out of the bag, and just being honest with people about what I'm putting myself through AKA "going through". But I don't want anyone to know about my mess... I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be held accountable? No.. I don't. Where is my person? The one who REALLY knows me. The one who'll jump in and say "Sweetie, I've got your back. You HAVE to do this, and it's going to be okay." I can't do it by myself. I've proved it over and over. But, I've lied to everyone and nobody knows. I'm a 34 year old lying, closeted alcoholic. Yay for me. :-P (ugh.. I don't mean to sound so down sry)

Also, so many things have been going on with me. I was horribly abused as a child and I've put in a LOT of work to get better. I'm proud of that but... Currently, my father is dying and my mother is sick. Its hard to come to terms with loving/losing people that are supposed to have cared for you. Watching them fall apart. It creates a Lot of internal conflict. It's got me all torn up really. Also, I've put down 2 good dogs within the last year-heartbreaking. I'm trying man! I'm in therapy and I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Just trying to hang on. And I have this effing monkey on my back. I feel like I'm drowning.

I always try to put on a brave front. I always have to "hold it down". I always act tough and strong. But really, I'm not. Everyone thinks I am. But it's a lie. I'm actually afraid. I know nobody is going to hold my hand and walk me through this. But I sure wish someone could. I dunno... I'm lost at the moment. TY for reading this.

Nuudawn

Hey ESN..(((welcome))). Your love/hate relationship with booze...did you know that love/hate is pretty atypical of all abusive relationships (I'm talking people here). I know this cuz somehow my booze/bad relationships are all part of parcel of my addiction issues. I'm in therapy over it...the human relationship brought me there.

You have sooo much going on and wouldn't you say now is a good time to start "recovery"....recovery of you? Your fine precious self has been buried under a mountain of garbage for a long time...that's my take. Drop the bottle and find yourself. It's not easy...had a rough time saying no today..but aside from that...it's a wonderful process. Our minds/emotions aren't static though...so preparation mentally and physically is key.

Staying in the now is really, really, really important for me. I have to face each situation as they arise. I almost got into trouble this week by simply "thinking ahead" too much.

We are all here for your fine, vulnerable, beautiful, fragile self...that place in you is the garden where blooms blossom. Stay with us.

Ptcapote

Hi there, so glad that you are back! I know it is not ideal right now but that will change. I missed my friend in disliking certain horrid-sounding words ("Snacks, anyone?" )

You say: "I know nobody's going to hold my hand and walk me through this."

Why not? How about us? As the lovely Nuudawn says above, we're all here for you---ALL of YOU.

I've relied on this place each and every day since I got sober five months ago. So can you. I'll certainly be here for you.

You sound like you have the beginnings of a plan. You can totally do this. We're here with you every step of the way.

So very glad to have you back, missed you!!

EverySngleNight

TY nuudawn and ptcapote.. It means a lot to me that you guys took the time to reach out to me. I'm definitely having a "moment" today. I want to respond with a bit more length, to both of you. I plan on it tomorrow. I'm just really tired and have to go to sleep. But as an aside... You both have THE BEST icons! :-) <3 TY again.

instant

Making changes is difficult- we have to get out of our own way.

Occasionally I found out the things I needed to feel safe, kept me trapped