First of all- TY SO MUCH Dee. That was a really helpful post. Im sorry im stuck in this cycle right now too. It's brutal. And, Mountainmanbob- I really appreciate your insight. I understand that AA is designed to be compatible with many forms of spirituality. I've spent a lot of time in those rooms, and I know it helps people greatly. I have no judgement about that. For me spiritually, it's not compatible. Just, on a really base level. HOWEVER, I will go to AA and embrace it as well as I can - if that's my only option. It would be my prefrence to seek out an alternative method. But nothing is off limits at this point, as I know I need help. Hope that makes sense... I dunno. :-/ either way, TY for your post.
The good news- I think- my husband has agreed that we will get ourselves into a meeting of some type, by Monday. I'm hoping we can find a secular group, within a reasonable distance to join. Beyond that, he's agreed to help me look into rehabs. I'm not sure if I can go right away? But I need to figure out what my options are. He and I have both effed up, but I know he can quit and will be dedicated. I'm the one that usually gets the best of us-with temptations. He's willing to help me figure it out, and we're on the same page. We both know its a problem. So, maybe together we can find a way to help, and not hurt eachother. God willing.
After detoxing at home last time, (it was really hard) I don't know if I can ween off and stop... I might need some help this time. I wish I felt comfortable letting the cat out of the bag, and just being honest with people about what I'm putting myself through AKA "going through". But I don't want anyone to know about my mess... I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be held accountable? No.. I don't. Where is my person? The one who REALLY knows me. The one who'll jump in and say "Sweetie, I've got your back. You HAVE to do this, and it's going to be okay." I can't do it by myself. I've proved it over and over. But, I've lied to everyone and nobody knows. I'm a 34 year old lying, closeted alcoholic. Yay for me. :-P (ugh.. I don't mean to sound so down sry)
Also, so many things have been going on with me. I was horribly abused as a child and I've put in a LOT of work to get better. I'm proud of that but... Currently, my father is dying and my mother is sick. Its hard to come to terms with loving/losing people that are supposed to have cared for you. Watching them fall apart. It creates a Lot of internal conflict. It's got me all torn up really. Also, I've put down 2 good dogs within the last year-heartbreaking. I'm trying man! I'm in therapy and I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Just trying to hang on. And I have this effing monkey on my back. I feel like I'm drowning.
I always try to put on a brave front. I always have to "hold it down". I always act tough and strong. But really, I'm not. Everyone thinks I am. But it's a lie. I'm actually afraid. I know nobody is going to hold my hand and walk me through this. But I sure wish someone could. I dunno... I'm lost at the moment. TY for reading this.