cr995

I have been really busy the last few days - working very hard and earning a lot to pay for all the new furniture and bills etc so that part of my life no longer causes that much anxiety for me.

I had my hair done yesterday and did my nails last night. I also now realize that staying NC with STBXAH is key to me being able to get up every day without being afraid and finally realize having anything to do with him is = self harm.

I also have stopped anwering any messages from my ex-bf who I realize now was just using me and was very selfish so extremely unhealthy for me.
No surprise that in the state I was in I walked straight into another abusive relationship. Thanks to Alanon I now recognize that , my self esteem has improved and I refuse to let anybody treat me badly.

I think I got a 'booty call' from a guy I have known for a long time a few days ago - I now know to ignore him and I did - there was a time (not that long ago) I would have responded.

I have no desire to be in a realtionsip whatsoever - in fact the thought of it is a real turnoff.

But this is the thing I just feel so sad today, I have forced myself to do some diy as I cannot really force my family to do things with me as they have their own lives. ( I don't really have any friends yet).

I feel like I have no motivation to do the things I have lined up in the house and feel like I just want to cry except there are no tears.

Do you think that after spending 3 decades with an A that you just have to write off some time to feeling so unwanted unloved and alone??

Tuffgirl

I don't think 3 decades matters. I felt this way for a while and I was only with my husband for 5 years. I considered it a normal part of the process of grieving.

Hugs from me today. Know that although right now it feels like it will be this way forever, it too shall pass.
~T

FireSprite

Yeah, what she said.

For me, I have learned that I *have* to acknowledge all my emotions, even the bad/negative ones need some time to be honored & dealt with instead of just being pushed aside. I can't dwell; but I can embrace it, learn from it & move on.

I think when I DON'T acknowledge that the *bad* feelings exist it's part of that same secret-keeping kind of dysfunction that I'm trying to get away from. If I feel it, then it's real in some capacity and I no longer ignore real things in my world.

cr995

Yes I think so. When all this went down, even allowing myself to think that I did not matter to him and was merely a tool to be replaced by another tool was so very painful, excruciating infact, but now it's just a sad fact to me and not so painful.

I am still not so much confused about who I am so much as clueless! The last time I remember feeling really okay I was only about thirteen years
old.

I felt angry today when I was out walking about in the sfunshine watching all the couples - though I know I could not do that - certainly right now anyway. yesterday I felt really down and then made myself paint a photo frame gold and watched '39 steps' - it really turned me around and I felt quite content again but today I am just having to surrender!

Even saying that I can feel my whsole body relax, the resistance fade away, ok lets get this pain over with!

FireSprite

Outside of scheduling yourself for a massage, pedicure & facial (that's always A-OK with me) I vote for: a hot bath with lavender Epsom salts, a pint of your favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream, a couple of really great books or movies, a nap and take out from your favorite restaurant. For starters.

And then get up tomorrow with a lighter, more forward thinking attitude.

wolfpackfan45

I think we have to go through the stages of grieving, just as if someone has died. Tears and sadness are such a big part of that.The problem is if and when we get stuck in that stage and can't move on with our own life.

lillamy

I think we need to spend whatever time we need to spend to... to really truly get it into our heads (and hearts) that that guy is just a flippin' guy. So he spent three decades with you but you know what? He spent most of that time in his own head. So the "you" he put down was the "you" he had created an image of in his head. Not the real YOU.

I heard the saying "what other people think about you is really none of your business" in one of my first Al-Anon meetings. I eventually learned to apply it to AXH as well. And when I got far enough away from being completely enmeshed with him and making his feelings mine, I realized that whatever he thinks about me is no more important than what my mailman or any other person thinks about me. Now, when he calls me a [and I can't say what he calls me in polite company] I can shrug my shoulders and roll my eyes.

HopefulinFLA

It's only natural to be sad when ending a relationship. If you weren't you wouldn't be human. Allow it and welcome it, it's kind of a purging process, and at the end of the process you'll feel much better and stronger.

Be good to yourself right now. Get a little extra sleep (I call my naps my attitude adjustment, always works for me), eat well, and find something to look forward to. Maybe a long weekend getaway to visit family or friends? Exercise, maybe a long walk, will produce endorphins in your body and give you a natural good feeling. Walks are also a good time to wander around in your own head and figure stuff out.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Tuffgirl

I gave myself 6 months to grieve last year. 6 months of losses (one divorce, two deaths of close friends, two dogs I had to put to sleep, too). When I hit New Year's, I decided it was enough - time to rejoin the world. Still took a few months to get back into the groove of my life, but once I did, it felt great.

I needed that time to just be with myself and mourn those losses. It's ok to feel sad, angry, baffled, alone, etc. Sometimes it seemed like I'd cycle through those emotions every 5 minutes. Now its mostly nostalgia.

cr995

I went to Alanon tonight as always I'm always amazed about how apt the topic chosen to share on is so relevant to me - it was on 'Life after alcoholism'. !

I find once I start to feel good I just want it to continue .So when the bad feelings come I fight them which prolongs the whole thing, rather than just feeling them and getting it over an done with. the difficult part is knowing when to force yourself to get on with life and when to simply surrender to feeling bad.

LifeRecovery

I agree with the posters that have shared that they have had to feel it all.

One of my challenges/learnings with all of this has been that it I beat myself up for feeling "bad" I just make it worse. I think I do this in part to distract myself from feeling that way.

I am also learning that all feelings are temporary....I create a lot of dysfunction for myself trying to hold onto some, and not feel others. It quickly becomes an avalanche.

DreamsofSerenity

It's been six months since I split up with my exabf, and I still feel very alone.

Recovery has made the loneliness more pronounced in the sense that I'm refusing to hide from it in another relationship, and am therefore having to truly experience it, perhaps for the first time in my life.

I am also trying to respect and honor myself more by only allowing people in my life who are healthy enough not to undermine my own well being. Unfortunately, I am down to just a few good friends, all of whom are really busy with consuming careers. A couple of them are full blown workaholics so they're not exactly healthy, but they don't get in the way of my own healing either like some of the other nut jobs in my life did.

Anyway, to answer your question more specifically, I do think you have to feel the pain to heal, but I don't think it has to be time written off exactly. It's a painful but still very meaningful time. If you can't do the home project you intended to do, maybe it's just not the right thing for you to be doing at the moment. Do anything that nurtures YOU and feels good. Getting your hair and nails done is great. The massage idea was also perfect. Taking good care of myself has been absolutely essential to surviving my painful time.

When you feel sad, imagine part of yourself as a child, and the other part of yourself as the parent of that child. A good parent doesn't force an upset child to stop crying, she lets her cry in her arms and reassures her until it passes. You need to do the same-- allow yourself to feel the pain while at the same time loving and comforting yourself...If that makes any sense at all..

FireSprite

Yes, this absolutely makes sense!!!

Tentindependent

This sentence really hit home for me. I separated from my alcoholic ex two years ago but tried to stay friends. Needless to say, the manipulation continued. Things came to a head for me when he started manipulating my/our colleagues and interfering with my job. I went no contact and just stopped responding.

He still attempts to contact me from time to time and I'm at the point where I am more amused than upset. However for a while I reacted in a way that I can only describe as an emotional allergic reaction.

For a time I was telling myself that I would have to contact him at some point as I am intending to file for divorce this year. Once I stopped putting pressure on myself I gained a lot more clarity.

I now realise that any contact with him is very harmful for me so yes, voluntarily doing so would be self harm!

I am still in the grieving process but I've found it is easier to deal with since I've learned to accept it as part of life and growth.

I do find myself wondering which is harder - grieving for what you had, or grieving for you only thought you had

I think that listening to your body and your heart are telling you will help you. Take the pressure of yourself to be doing things, or to feel/not feel.

sadielady

This is one of the most lovely, touching, real, practical, and hit me right where it matters things I've read. And that's saying a lot, there are so many beautiful things I read on here every day.

Dreams, you are amazing. I know you said unfortunately your friends are busy. You have friends here. Please keep posting. You just gave me something in this post I really needed, I so love that child/mama image and I know I'm going to use it over and over in my own healing and growth.

Argnotthisagain

Good food for thought in this thread......

I'm just seeing how I keep myself *in* bad feelings. Old old habit. Ive been doing it for a zillion years. Especially fear; I notice it's easier for me to think fear thoughts and seek it out and look for thoughts to be fearfull about the future. That and sorrow over the past.


But to me, you don't sound like your struggle is about wallowing too long.

I like that you're applying NC and seeing that you feel better that way. I think that's really really key, and a good thing.

I guess I'm not at that point yet. I'm seeing a little more clearly how I am not letting go in my head. Hanging on still.

Doing better, definitely!!! In many ways!!! --but I would like to think more hopeful thoughts about the future...

....no wait, I mean, I am begining a new practice of thinking a hopeful thought! Even just a little bit at a time.... just give myself some time to get used to it.

Just thinking outloud here at 4am.

cr995

I love this board because so many of us are either going through the same things or have done at some time in the past.

I think that's a very good way to think of comforting yourself - by imagining the weeping child in you. And yes you would just comfort that child - that's all you can do.

I also find that I try to analyse the A or 'analyse' why I'm having the feelings instead of just feeling them. Then as someone said I beat myself up for having them and think uugh why am I such a wimpy failure.?

It's encouraging that the bad feelings don't last and after each bout the happiness felt is usually more when it comes - sort of 'ever decreasing circles'.

I am really going to try and look into the whold idea of the 'ego' and seperate the real me from that.

Today when I woke up I tried to make a list of anything positive the A did for me or anything nice I would miss and do you know what I can come up with NONE! Not a single thing.

I can do my DIY because I always HAD to do it, the crises that we went through together were mostly or all a result of the drinking/disease and so were not necessary. He did not spend time with me but rather spent time trying to be elsewhere which caused me to feel constantly abandoned and bitter. When he was present he was ignoring me also causing me to feel abandoned and bitter. Any trips out consisted of him giving the kind of attention I craved to every and anyone else. I was not enjoying my life - full stop.

Yet getting off this merry go round hurts more - hence we stay on it. But at least putting a stop to all this has a future for me that I never had before.

So yes I think the denial going is what is really painful and realizing that I am grieving the loss of what I 'imagined' not reality at all.

brightstar43

CR995 I'm going through the same thing at the moment and I'm sad and miss him today......but the reality of what I'm missing is how I wanted things to be like with him and that was my hopes and dreams. He was not available for that. The bad feelings don't last. I find it helps to make plans to look forward to and to write a small list at night of things to do the next day. I'm setting myself small tasks and taking baby steps. It's reassuring to know from others here that it does get easier in time.

Argnotthisagain

So true.
Finding friends to be with is helpful too, I'm finding. I'm seeing that a variety of friends is a really good thing to cultivate. May take time if you've been isolated but you can develop connections slowly but surely.

I'm appreciating one particularly warm and nurturing friendship especially, but also the others too. I have another friend who is in need of support; that's good for me too. SR here is also a good place to give caring back to others....

We have to fill up our emotional selves again.

Argnotthisagain

This is such a wonderful post, Dreams.

I'm sorry that you're in pain...I don't like that, of course! But it is so validating to see your understanding of it. You help me see that the lonliness is part of this healing process , so it doesn't need to feel so scary when I remind myself of that.


Wonderful helpful post!