Originally Posted by
cr995 
I have been really busy the last few days - working very hard and earning a lot to pay for all the new furniture and bills etc so that part of my life no longer causes that much anxiety for me.
I had my hair done yesterday and did my nails last night. I also now realize that staying NC with STBXAH is key to me being able to get up every day without being afraid and finally realize having anything to do with him is = self harm.
I also have stopped anwering any messages from my ex-bf who I realize now was just using me and was very selfish so extremely unhealthy for me.
No surprise that in the state I was in I walked straight into another abusive relationship. Thanks to Alanon I now recognize that , my self esteem has improved and I refuse to let anybody treat me badly.
I think I got a 'booty call' from a guy I have known for a long time a few days ago - I now know to ignore him and I did - there was a time (not that long ago) I would have responded.
I have no desire to be in a realtionsip whatsoever - in fact the thought of it is a real turnoff.
But this is the thing I just feel so sad today, I have forced myself to do some diy as I cannot really force my family to do things with me as they have their own lives. ( I don't really have any friends yet).
I feel like I have no motivation to do the things I have lined up in the house and feel like I just want to cry except there are no tears.
Do you think that after spending 3 decades with an A that you just have to write off some time to feeling so unwanted unloved and alone??
It's been six months since I split up with my exabf, and I still feel very alone.
Recovery has made the loneliness more pronounced in the sense that I'm refusing to hide from it in another relationship, and am therefore having to truly experience it, perhaps for the first time in my life.
I am also trying to respect and honor myself more by only allowing people in my life who are healthy enough not to undermine my own well being. Unfortunately, I am down to just a few good friends, all of whom are really busy with consuming careers. A couple of them are full blown workaholics so they're not exactly healthy, but they don't get in the way of my own healing either like some of the other nut jobs in my life did.
Anyway, to answer your question more specifically, I do think you have to feel the pain to heal, but I don't think it has to be time written off exactly. It's a painful but still very meaningful time. If you can't do the home project you intended to do, maybe it's just not the right thing for you to be doing at the moment. Do anything that nurtures YOU and feels good. Getting your hair and nails done is great. The massage idea was also perfect. Taking good care of myself has been absolutely essential to surviving my painful time.
When you feel sad, imagine part of yourself as a child, and the other part of yourself as the parent of that child. A good parent doesn't force an upset child to stop crying, she lets her cry in her arms and reassures her until it passes. You need to do the same-- allow yourself to feel the pain while at the same time loving and comforting yourself...If that makes any sense at all..
