My ABF is a douche bag
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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My ABF is a douche bag
Tonight he got so drunk, he pretended to have a seizure and then told me he got a lump checked and might have cancer. Don't worry, it's "mild"?
Then 2 minutes later he has no recollection of the conversation, accused me of drinking too much and asked if I needed help.
I just sat there, incredulous; wondering how I stayed with this idiot.
Haha!
Then 2 minutes later he has no recollection of the conversation, accused me of drinking too much and asked if I needed help.
I just sat there, incredulous; wondering how I stayed with this idiot.
Haha!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Mild cancer, eh? Is that the clinical term? LOL
Tell me about it. My AH tells me I said things I did not say. Misunderstands situations because he is too inebriated, then genuinely thinks I'M the one who doesn't understand and rants repeatedly that I "need to shut the eff up and listen" while he tries to explain it to me.
Wondering what I'm doing here as well, married less than a year.
With his escalation lately, as well as some very personal hardships going on right now that he is just making worse by being a selfish a55#0l3, I've about had it. Was told by his mother I could stay there to get on my feet and leave.
He is aware that I am thisclose to taking her up on it.
Tell me about it. My AH tells me I said things I did not say. Misunderstands situations because he is too inebriated, then genuinely thinks I'M the one who doesn't understand and rants repeatedly that I "need to shut the eff up and listen" while he tries to explain it to me.
Wondering what I'm doing here as well, married less than a year.
With his escalation lately, as well as some very personal hardships going on right now that he is just making worse by being a selfish a55#0l3, I've about had it. Was told by his mother I could stay there to get on my feet and leave.
He is aware that I am thisclose to taking her up on it.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 94
I have wondered why I kept going back....that's the "sickness" in me; I see it as another form of self harm its like self destruction. Everyone's thinking becomes distorted. How many times too I have said to myself " I can't believe he just done that " or "I can't believe his thinking and ways of viewing a situation are so far from my view". Alcoholics say things for effect and end up with us affected!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
My exABF had started to say to me "I don't think you have your facts straight." All while he didn't remember what year it was, where we were, thinks I'd said 5 minutes ago, and sometimes even who I was.
Laughable, really. If it weren't so sad.
Laughable, really. If it weren't so sad.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Brightstar, I think being IN the dysfunction is the most crazy making for sure. But there's this funny residue afterwards too. For me, with every day of distance I get from him, there's so much more realization of how sad it was. How much self-deception and the depths of lying to himself, and how the underlying dishonesty in our relationship had to run so much deeper than I thought. Can't believe anything was real now. I guess that helps create distance in some ways. But it's also just SAD. I wonder how much he believed his own fiction. I don't imagine I'll ever know.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
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Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity 
Best title for a thread EVER!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
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It's so true that alcoholics don't remember things the way they happened. There was an incident on halloween a few years ago where he was convinced he had to stand in between another girl and me to prevent a fight. In reality, the other girl drove by in a car and yelled something at us, I yelled back. That was it. He had me, and another friend who was there, telling him that his version never happened, and he was SO convinced! To this day, he believes all other witnesses to be wrong. It gets more serious when he remembers things in our relationship wrong. He remembers me lying about things I didn't lie about, forgets things I told him about exes, then thinks I kept it from him on purpose. So I can look at the little things and laugh for sure, but the bigger things are less than entertaining.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Before I realized how much my exAFB had been drinking (we didn't date all that long and he is an ExPERT hider), I was taking him to a work function in the afternoon on a Sunday. From the moment we woke up until the afternoon, I don't lie, he asked be at least 8 or 9 times what I wanted to do that day. Each time I said well, we're going to the fundraiser at 3, other than that.... And each time he was like oh yah, right. Clearly having forgotten. About the 4th time I thought what the HELL, could a person really be THAT forgetful?
After his detox shutdown (his docs in the ER/ICU said his central nervous system not only had seizures but shut down), and after 30 day rehab, there were HUGE things about me he absolutely had NOOOOO memory about. On father's day, as if completely out of the blue as if we'd just met, he asked me about my relationship with my father, starting from scratch. As if we hadn't talked a gazillion times about my father. And he had almost ZERO memory of the several day trip we took (and were on) when he started to detox.
I think he has serious memory challenges, and friends and family tell me that's longstanding.
Oh, but he doesn't have a problem with drinking.
After his detox shutdown (his docs in the ER/ICU said his central nervous system not only had seizures but shut down), and after 30 day rehab, there were HUGE things about me he absolutely had NOOOOO memory about. On father's day, as if completely out of the blue as if we'd just met, he asked me about my relationship with my father, starting from scratch. As if we hadn't talked a gazillion times about my father. And he had almost ZERO memory of the several day trip we took (and were on) when he started to detox.
I think he has serious memory challenges, and friends and family tell me that's longstanding.
Oh, but he doesn't have a problem with drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
This is all too familiar to me.
When my girlfriend gets to the blackout stage she insists on having "conversations" that consist of her telling me the same thing, over and over.
She then trails off, sort of comes to, and starts the process over again.
Getting a phone call like that while dealing with work issues isn't a joyous event.
When my girlfriend gets to the blackout stage she insists on having "conversations" that consist of her telling me the same thing, over and over.
She then trails off, sort of comes to, and starts the process over again.
Getting a phone call like that while dealing with work issues isn't a joyous event.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by bigbasscat
This is all too familiar to me.
When my girlfriend gets to the blackout stage she insists on having "conversations" that consist of her telling me the same thing, over and over.
She then trails off, sort of comes to, and starts the process over again.
Getting a phone call like that while dealing with work issues isn't a joyous event.
When my girlfriend gets to the blackout stage she insists on having "conversations" that consist of her telling me the same thing, over and over.
She then trails off, sort of comes to, and starts the process over again.
Getting a phone call like that while dealing with work issues isn't a joyous event.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm sorry....but if my classification for my chosen partner is DOUCHE BAG.. what the hell am I doing staying with said douche bag for another 10 minutes? if he's that awful...then WHY? if he disgusts us....if we revile their very existence, recoil from their touch, find all they do and how they live abhorrent, then WHY? why stay? regaling THEIR ills, faults and fallacies is one thing....DOING something about it, quite another eh? like, why don't you just quit? isn't that what we say to THEM?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i'm sorry....but if my classification for my chosen partner is DOUCHE BAG.. what the hell am I doing staying with said douche bag for another 10 minutes? if he's that awful...then WHY? if he disgusts us....if we revile their very existence, recoil from their touch, find all they do and how they live abhorrent, then WHY? why stay? regaling THEIR ills, faults and fallacies is one thing....DOING something about it, quite another eh? like, why don't you just quit? isn't that what we say to THEM?
I broke up with my ABF last year and had a complete mental breakdown, I quit my job after being on stress leave and was very vulnerable when he came crawling back. I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have been in intensive therapy for a year and in the beginning, believed I was mostly at fault for his behavior so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
After years of abusive relationships, sexual assault and a violent upbringing, I thought he wasn't all that bad.
That was last year. THIS year, I have come so far and gained so much strength. I have taken wisdom from this forum, and from my own experiences. I am finally feeling good about myself - empowered and ready to live.
So, if I'm not ready to leave him- I'm not going to beat myself up for that. I'm going to keep learning, keep focussing on my self and be proud of the progress I've made.
And when I'm ready, I'll say goodbye to him. This time, for good.
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Location: Central Florida
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i'm sorry....but if my classification for my chosen partner is DOUCHE BAG.. what the hell am I doing staying with said douche bag for another 10 minutes? if he's that awful...then WHY? if he disgusts us....if we revile their very existence, recoil from their touch, find all they do and how they live abhorrent, then WHY? why stay? regaling THEIR ills, faults and fallacies is one thing....DOING something about it, quite another eh? like, why don't you just quit? isn't that what we say to THEM?
I have this conversation with myself OFTEN. It's the memories of good times that make me stay, and knowing that deep down inside there is still that wonderful loving man I fell in love with, trapped and held back by his alcoholism. We know what's logical, what makes sense, but it takes the heart a little longer to catch up and finally be "done".
Hugs to All!
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Location: W Washington
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and knowing that deep down inside there is still that wonderful loving man I fell in love with, trapped and held back by his alcoholism.
are you CERTAIN about that? cuz we often give the alcohol and the alcoholism way too much "credit" for all the bad behaviors and changes in personality. it really has NO bearing on what they WERE like 5 or 10 years ago....that's in the past....we live in the NOW. we deal with the NOW. if i get in my car to go to work and it will not start....it doesn't matter HOW long i sit there remember all the times it DID....or romancing the day i drove it off the lot. or that road trip to the Grand Canyon.
for 5 glorious days the mighty Titanic safely and assuredly transported her precious cargo of 2,224 lives across the Atlantic, the largest ship afloat at the time.
day 6.....she struck the iceburg and sank like a rock, and 1,502 souls were snuffed out. while i do not know for certain, but i doubt many of the survivors talked much about what was served for dinner on the 2nd night. i doubt they wish they could go back and do it again. WHY? because they were forced to accept reality...they did not stand wistfully on her tilting decks and try and wish the iceburg away. as she lie now on the bottom of the ocean, hints of her grandeur remain, scattered bits of elegance and grace - but the damage has long been done.
are you CERTAIN about that? cuz we often give the alcohol and the alcoholism way too much "credit" for all the bad behaviors and changes in personality. it really has NO bearing on what they WERE like 5 or 10 years ago....that's in the past....we live in the NOW. we deal with the NOW. if i get in my car to go to work and it will not start....it doesn't matter HOW long i sit there remember all the times it DID....or romancing the day i drove it off the lot. or that road trip to the Grand Canyon.
for 5 glorious days the mighty Titanic safely and assuredly transported her precious cargo of 2,224 lives across the Atlantic, the largest ship afloat at the time.
day 6.....she struck the iceburg and sank like a rock, and 1,502 souls were snuffed out. while i do not know for certain, but i doubt many of the survivors talked much about what was served for dinner on the 2nd night. i doubt they wish they could go back and do it again. WHY? because they were forced to accept reality...they did not stand wistfully on her tilting decks and try and wish the iceburg away. as she lie now on the bottom of the ocean, hints of her grandeur remain, scattered bits of elegance and grace - but the damage has long been done.
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Location: Central Florida
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Anvil,
I'm pretty sure of this. My AH is a completely different man when he's sober. Fortunately he's not drunk everyday, so I do see the good guy, just not as often as I'd like. Every situation is a little different.
I'm pretty sure of this. My AH is a completely different man when he's sober. Fortunately he's not drunk everyday, so I do see the good guy, just not as often as I'd like. Every situation is a little different.
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