WEnt back to rehab
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
WEnt back to rehab
Hi all
Can't talk long as on a hospital wifi - but wanted let my SR friends know that I couldn't bear the relapse / withdrawal days and weeks anymore; rang my old rehab on Sunday to see if any beds available - and there was! So somehow, got my stuff together (not easy when you're so sick and drunk), and admitted myself Monday evening.
Now early Tuesday morning, and am at the very least, safe and sound in the rehab clinic for a week. (all I can afford).
Will try to check in and out of SR when I can - as they keep us busy; when you're not busy with their programme, you're exhausted from valium or just early recovery!
Blessings to all in June and July class in particular, and any first time newbies - it's never too late to try again for sobriety, even when you're feeling ambivalent....
xx
Vic
Can't talk long as on a hospital wifi - but wanted let my SR friends know that I couldn't bear the relapse / withdrawal days and weeks anymore; rang my old rehab on Sunday to see if any beds available - and there was! So somehow, got my stuff together (not easy when you're so sick and drunk), and admitted myself Monday evening.
Now early Tuesday morning, and am at the very least, safe and sound in the rehab clinic for a week. (all I can afford).
Will try to check in and out of SR when I can - as they keep us busy; when you're not busy with their programme, you're exhausted from valium or just early recovery!
Blessings to all in June and July class in particular, and any first time newbies - it's never too late to try again for sobriety, even when you're feeling ambivalent....
xx
Vic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Disappointing update
Well, thanks first, to all the well wishers.
I arrived home from the rehab Monday morning (yesterday). Whilst driving back to the kennels to pick up the dog: I thought of a drink. whilst doing some household jobs back home again: I thought of a drink. A lot. Whilst going back out again to do grocery shopping and take Madame Dog (Bess) to the dog park: more thoughts of a drink....
I was so tormented (the only word to describe this torrent of thoughts / urges every five minutes it seems), that after shopping and dog park, I put Bess back in the car, went to the blo*(Tdy bottle shop and bought one bottle of wine.
Started drinking the damn thing while putting the shopping away back home. I felt really scared and infuriated, it was like groundhog day - as if I hadn't even HAD those 7 days sober. So I tried ringing a couple of AA members, just to talk - got through to only two, both of whom were really busy with stuff (little kids and illness / moving house). A third, her phone rang out. A fourth, a guy I'd never normally call as I find him a bit too hardcore, almost a bully, is also an alcohol / drugs worker and had been a chronic relapser straight after his multiple rehabs / detoxes for quite some years. So I called in the hope of just some reassurance from someone who'd experienced this. Left a message for him, but never heard back from him. I was feeling pretty damn cynical by this stage about the touted mantra that an AA member or two will always be there for us, but that's by the by.
Then I rang the rehab (they'd been out of phone contact, on the regular Monday arvo outing); spoke to one of the nursing staff for about ten minutes, if only to admit what I'd done. Then she had to go as it was a busy time (5pm by this stage) on the ward.
I sat back on the couch, feeling so defeated and miserable, continuing the last couple of drinks in the bottle. But I was damn well enjoying the buzz AND not liking it one bit, given the circumstances....the usual drill so many of you understand.
Despite having sternly told myself I would NOT go out again for a second bottle.....I did, horrifyingly. So, yet again, drove drunk the few blocks to the local shop, got another bottle. CAme home, drank half of it while making and eating dinner, then went to bed.
This morning: just got up. Poured the remaining half bottle down the sink immediately. A bit hungover, but not too bad.
The worst thing is:I knew what I was doing. During yesterday's veritable TORRENT of urges and cravings, I'd practiced AVRT, urge surfing, meditation breathing, praying....the lot. That damn circuit in my brain simply WOULD NOT respond. It was like it was stuck permanently 'on', even after 7 days detox. I believe this to be a feature of repeated relapses: 'kindling'. I've heard and read that it's harder and harder to quit / stay quit after each relapse, and for the first time ever, have just experienced the brutal reality of that.
Sorry to go so long, but I wanted to put it all out there to my SR friends.
Some experience, strength n hope required please! I'm waving the SOS flag here, people!
x Vic
PS I meant to add too, that for the very first time, I was tormented by constant drinking thoughts whilst in the rehab. That too has never happened to me before. Horrible.
I arrived home from the rehab Monday morning (yesterday). Whilst driving back to the kennels to pick up the dog: I thought of a drink. whilst doing some household jobs back home again: I thought of a drink. A lot. Whilst going back out again to do grocery shopping and take Madame Dog (Bess) to the dog park: more thoughts of a drink....
I was so tormented (the only word to describe this torrent of thoughts / urges every five minutes it seems), that after shopping and dog park, I put Bess back in the car, went to the blo*(Tdy bottle shop and bought one bottle of wine.
Started drinking the damn thing while putting the shopping away back home. I felt really scared and infuriated, it was like groundhog day - as if I hadn't even HAD those 7 days sober. So I tried ringing a couple of AA members, just to talk - got through to only two, both of whom were really busy with stuff (little kids and illness / moving house). A third, her phone rang out. A fourth, a guy I'd never normally call as I find him a bit too hardcore, almost a bully, is also an alcohol / drugs worker and had been a chronic relapser straight after his multiple rehabs / detoxes for quite some years. So I called in the hope of just some reassurance from someone who'd experienced this. Left a message for him, but never heard back from him. I was feeling pretty damn cynical by this stage about the touted mantra that an AA member or two will always be there for us, but that's by the by.
Then I rang the rehab (they'd been out of phone contact, on the regular Monday arvo outing); spoke to one of the nursing staff for about ten minutes, if only to admit what I'd done. Then she had to go as it was a busy time (5pm by this stage) on the ward.
I sat back on the couch, feeling so defeated and miserable, continuing the last couple of drinks in the bottle. But I was damn well enjoying the buzz AND not liking it one bit, given the circumstances....the usual drill so many of you understand.
Despite having sternly told myself I would NOT go out again for a second bottle.....I did, horrifyingly. So, yet again, drove drunk the few blocks to the local shop, got another bottle. CAme home, drank half of it while making and eating dinner, then went to bed.
This morning: just got up. Poured the remaining half bottle down the sink immediately. A bit hungover, but not too bad.
The worst thing is:I knew what I was doing. During yesterday's veritable TORRENT of urges and cravings, I'd practiced AVRT, urge surfing, meditation breathing, praying....the lot. That damn circuit in my brain simply WOULD NOT respond. It was like it was stuck permanently 'on', even after 7 days detox. I believe this to be a feature of repeated relapses: 'kindling'. I've heard and read that it's harder and harder to quit / stay quit after each relapse, and for the first time ever, have just experienced the brutal reality of that.
Sorry to go so long, but I wanted to put it all out there to my SR friends.
Some experience, strength n hope required please! I'm waving the SOS flag here, people!
x Vic
PS I meant to add too, that for the very first time, I was tormented by constant drinking thoughts whilst in the rehab. That too has never happened to me before. Horrible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Thanks Pondlady - yeah, my old home group meets at 11 a.m. quite close to my place, so I'll go to that OR go out to the 10.30 a.m. mindfulness outpatients' group at the 'Farm' (lovely old ex-farm property, where each day's inpatient clinic groups are held - separate location from the hospital itself). That often happens, where an outpatient group clashes, time wise, with an AA meeting.
Either way, though, I'll go to one of them.
Either way, though, I'll go to one of them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
Hello Vic,
Sorry to hear about the relapse after rehab...I'm wondering if you're a candidate for Antabuse (is that what it's called)? Somebody else may know more about these medications. It sounds like it's time to bring out the big guns...
June
Sorry to hear about the relapse after rehab...I'm wondering if you're a candidate for Antabuse (is that what it's called)? Somebody else may know more about these medications. It sounds like it's time to bring out the big guns...
June
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I'm glad you're back - but sorry you're still struggling Vic
my advice would be to put everything you have into your recovery - get as much support as you can - have as many different avenues of choice as possible for what to do - other than drinking - when the cravings hit.
At the end of the day tho, no matter what recovery pattern we follow, we need to take the imperative out the the cravings, Vic.
Whether you use support groups, or SR, or urge surfing, or counselling, or just sheer bloody mindedness - not acting on those cravings when they hit is the skill we all have to learn at some time or another.
It's our Rubicon we need to cross, if you will
D
my advice would be to put everything you have into your recovery - get as much support as you can - have as many different avenues of choice as possible for what to do - other than drinking - when the cravings hit.
At the end of the day tho, no matter what recovery pattern we follow, we need to take the imperative out the the cravings, Vic.
Whether you use support groups, or SR, or urge surfing, or counselling, or just sheer bloody mindedness - not acting on those cravings when they hit is the skill we all have to learn at some time or another.
It's our Rubicon we need to cross, if you will
D
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Urges to drink are going to come with alarming frequency in the beginning. It's good that you tried calling some AA people. Perhaps you need more numbers? Do you have a sponsor? Did you try the hotline? Was there a meeting, if not your homegroup, that you could have gone to? Were you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? For me, when i git twitchy, i can pick up a book and that helps the urge pass. Maybe you could have a little activity planned that you can go to. Painting, coloring, reading, sudoku, crosswords...something to occupy your brain for a few. That's helped me a lot.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Thanks Dee - I like your notion of taking the 'imperative' out of the urge / craving. It all sounds so simple, does it not - the 'don't pick up the first drink no matter what....' As you say, it is indeed a Rubicon of sorts. I truly sincerely believed that I had crossed it, back in the first half of 2012 in particular........maybe some of us have to get across it, 'not drowning, but waving'. I don't know, but that's how it's feeling this time around.
Grits - yeah, I was a bit hungry, hadn't got around to eat my lunch early enough. I knew that was in the equation too.
Will be leaving in a few minutes for my old home group meeting. Will just see how it goes. Minute by minute, hour by hour, forward through the day.
Grits - yeah, I was a bit hungry, hadn't got around to eat my lunch early enough. I knew that was in the equation too.
Will be leaving in a few minutes for my old home group meeting. Will just see how it goes. Minute by minute, hour by hour, forward through the day.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
It's simple...but I don't want to give the impression I think it's easy.
It's not.
I wrote this a few years back when someone asked me what I did.
Enjoy the meeting Vic - and more power to ya
D
It's not.
I wrote this a few years back when someone asked me what I did.
Originally Posted by youngerDee
The turning point for me was acceptance - acceptance that I was an alcoholic - and the acceptance that I could not drink 'like everyone else'.
So I stopped drinking. I did everything I could to maintain that commitment. I still do, nearly 3 years on - every day.
I nearly died, so fear played a large part in that - I also spent a lot of time here@ SR reaching out, and a lot of time tossing and turning, kicking the walls and deliberately not going out when all I wanted was to run down the road and get a bottle.
It's not easy but I believe it is possible to do that and not give in to the inner voice. The folks here helped me immensely by giving me faith in myself when I had none.
But yeah, not drinking only got me so far. I see not drinking as only the first step in a long journey. I had to change the person I was too.
My alcoholism *became* all pervasive but I believe I *started* to drink for definite reasons - mostly to fill a void within myself.
To heal my 'void', the first step is to stop poisoning myself with drink. I then had to get into what the void was, and how best I could start healing it.
It was a paradox for me to discover that the way towards that was not by thinking more about it, but actually thinking less, and doing more.
I did a lot of service work here, and still do because it helps me to be of service and to give back after many years of taking. It also helps keep me grounded and in perspective.
I also rediscovered my spiritual side - my initial recovery was secular - just don't drink...but it's hard to ignore the wonder in this world when you really start to recover.
It's hard for me to drink when I'm connected to the world in a more than a material way, and when I'm humble and grateful for the blessings I get everyday.
You know I could go on, but that's enough really LOL.
I'm not looking to start a school - I hope my experience helps others but I'm just a guy who found what he needed because he really wanted to quit and he looked hard enough for the way that worked for him.
I encourage everyone to do that. Start the process right away tho - don't wait for 'your way' to fall into your lap - you'll only find 'your way' by going out looking for it, trying a bunch of stuff - and not drinking.
I learned from every single step on my journey - successes and mistakes, friends and foe alike.
But I always kept walking forwards, not backwards
D
So I stopped drinking. I did everything I could to maintain that commitment. I still do, nearly 3 years on - every day.
I nearly died, so fear played a large part in that - I also spent a lot of time here@ SR reaching out, and a lot of time tossing and turning, kicking the walls and deliberately not going out when all I wanted was to run down the road and get a bottle.
It's not easy but I believe it is possible to do that and not give in to the inner voice. The folks here helped me immensely by giving me faith in myself when I had none.
But yeah, not drinking only got me so far. I see not drinking as only the first step in a long journey. I had to change the person I was too.
My alcoholism *became* all pervasive but I believe I *started* to drink for definite reasons - mostly to fill a void within myself.
To heal my 'void', the first step is to stop poisoning myself with drink. I then had to get into what the void was, and how best I could start healing it.
It was a paradox for me to discover that the way towards that was not by thinking more about it, but actually thinking less, and doing more.
I did a lot of service work here, and still do because it helps me to be of service and to give back after many years of taking. It also helps keep me grounded and in perspective.
I also rediscovered my spiritual side - my initial recovery was secular - just don't drink...but it's hard to ignore the wonder in this world when you really start to recover.
It's hard for me to drink when I'm connected to the world in a more than a material way, and when I'm humble and grateful for the blessings I get everyday.
You know I could go on, but that's enough really LOL.
I'm not looking to start a school - I hope my experience helps others but I'm just a guy who found what he needed because he really wanted to quit and he looked hard enough for the way that worked for him.
I encourage everyone to do that. Start the process right away tho - don't wait for 'your way' to fall into your lap - you'll only find 'your way' by going out looking for it, trying a bunch of stuff - and not drinking.
I learned from every single step on my journey - successes and mistakes, friends and foe alike.
But I always kept walking forwards, not backwards
D
D
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by bemyself 
I sat back on the couch, feeling so defeated and miserable, continuing the last couple of drinks in the bottle. But I was damn well enjoying the buzz AND not liking it one bit, given the circumstances....the usual drill so many of you understand.
This morning: just got up. Poured the remaining half bottle down the sink immediately. A bit hungover, but not too bad.
The worst thing is:I knew what I was doing. During yesterday's veritable TORRENT of urges and cravings, I'd practiced AVRT, urge surfing, meditation breathing, praying....the lot.
This morning: just got up. Poured the remaining half bottle down the sink immediately. A bit hungover, but not too bad.
The worst thing is:I knew what I was doing. During yesterday's veritable TORRENT of urges and cravings, I'd practiced AVRT, urge surfing, meditation breathing, praying....the lot.
"Damn well enjoying the buzz AND not liking it one bit"
This is as good as any a working definition of being a slave to a chronic alcoholic addiction. Hating the enjoyment of the buzz offered/promised by the drink is a pivotal and crucially required appreciation of the inherent wrongness of addiction dynamics repeatedly learned on the recovery journey. Once the hating starts, the hating only ends with the permanent ending of the enslavement. The party is now over and done forevermore. The fun is gone. Alcoholic insanity to expect any other real-life outcome. But still I drank nonetheless.
I could no longer drink myself into happy bliss at this stage of my drinking journey. The shame-filled laughter was now shallow and bloated with remorse, and the good times were all marked behind me as signposts to my failures. Alcoholic insanity ruled and used my inner life like a garbage dump of impossible proportions - every thought and feeling became soiled and tarnished and thrown away day after useless day. But still I drank. Even more so, truth be told.
"The worst thing is: I knew what I was doing"
Yeah, me too, Vic.
Well, I thought I did at the time, you know? After being sober for awhile, I realized I didn't have a clue what I was really doing with my drinking. With my life. With myself. Not a clue.
My sober living lifestyle is nothing like my past drinking life. Quitting drinking my last time didn't just end my drinking - it ended the insanity of dying while still living - it ended my times of being brilliantly stupid while drunk too. No small feat.
Sober living was and still is the only solution which solved my chronic drinking problems. Without alcohol in my life, I changed for the better time and time again. It wasn't easy of course. Still though, it was finally giving back to me a life worth living.
YOU can do this too, Vic. YOU can.
All it takes is in the doing of the thing. The right thing. The good thing. The sober living thing. In it's doing is all the required purpose and strength to get the thing done. In the quitting is the answer itself discovered sooner or later - all the answers become obvious and workable no matter previous failures.
I'm a great example of its never too late to quit for good and always.
Good to hear you're not giving up, Vic.
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