Still in shock...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Still in shock...
Wow. This is hard.
I just don't know who to turn to or what to do right now. I guess it's best just to spit it out, right? Here goes...
My bf and I have been together a year and a half, living together for a year. He was FIFO when we met and worked a 2 and 1.
I suppose I realised that he drank quite a bit from the beginning but it didn't seem out of control. He was only home 1 week out of three and that week was spent socialising and catching up with friends and family.
Then I started noticing HOW drunk he got on nights out. Then one day we went to a wedding (open bar) and I wound up resuscitating him after he stopped breathing on the bedroom floor. We called the ambo and by the time they blood alcohol tested him (hours after he'd stopped drinking) he was still 0.29 almost poisoning.
The next day, I found out some things he had done when drunk that almost had me breaking up with him but of course he was so sorry and so convincing that I gave him another chance.
He quit after that, I guess it scared him. It lasted about 2 months and then the social drinks crept back in. I really noticed it when he came off FIFO and lived with me full time.
He doesn't change much as a drunk but then, I have come to realise that he isn't sober very much at all.
Lately, things have been bad and I've been calling him out on it. The inconsiderations, going drinking after work and leaving me wondering where he is and worst, driving drunk.
Every blue we've had has been over drunken behaviour and last night topped the cake.
We were arguing over him telling me a few nights ago that he'd be home in a half hour or so and then coming home 3 hours later drunk as can be with no call or message to let me know - and he DROVE. Last night He was, again, drunk..
He spat it, said I was "hard work" and refused to discuss anything (as usual) He was headed out the door, to find the bottom of a bottle of scotch no doubt, and when I refused to give him his car keys he came at me physically... For the first time in our relationship, I was scared of him. He was hovering over me, pushing me and poking at me. I was terrified he'd hit me and I lost it and slapped him to stop him coming at me and when he continued, I slapped him again.
He stopped then and challenged me to hit him again. By this time my teenage kids and their friends have come out to see what the fuss is and are watching him taunt me.
He then grabs a dining room chair and smashes it into a million pieces and picks up the leg and starts bashing everything on the dining table and throwing stuff off the kitchen bench. I managed to push him out the front door while my daughter called the police and held my son and her boyfriend back (as they were both ready to step in and protect me)
Now, he's gone. The police have issued a 48 hour restraining order so we can't communicate and I am devastated.
He is the most gentle, easy-going person I have ever met and the person I saw last night was a mad-man I never knew existed. I had no clue he was even capable of such aggression.
I am humiliated and just don't know what to do. Logic says throw all his stuff on the front lawn and say good bye but another part of me wonders if this is just a REALLY big mistake and maybe the catalyst that will see him get help.
I have no one to talk to as my family live in a different country and I don't want to worry them and I'm too embarrassed to tell friends or co-workers.
How did I get into this situation?? Is this really me???
I just don't know who to turn to or what to do right now. I guess it's best just to spit it out, right? Here goes...
My bf and I have been together a year and a half, living together for a year. He was FIFO when we met and worked a 2 and 1.
I suppose I realised that he drank quite a bit from the beginning but it didn't seem out of control. He was only home 1 week out of three and that week was spent socialising and catching up with friends and family.
Then I started noticing HOW drunk he got on nights out. Then one day we went to a wedding (open bar) and I wound up resuscitating him after he stopped breathing on the bedroom floor. We called the ambo and by the time they blood alcohol tested him (hours after he'd stopped drinking) he was still 0.29 almost poisoning.
The next day, I found out some things he had done when drunk that almost had me breaking up with him but of course he was so sorry and so convincing that I gave him another chance.
He quit after that, I guess it scared him. It lasted about 2 months and then the social drinks crept back in. I really noticed it when he came off FIFO and lived with me full time.
He doesn't change much as a drunk but then, I have come to realise that he isn't sober very much at all.
Lately, things have been bad and I've been calling him out on it. The inconsiderations, going drinking after work and leaving me wondering where he is and worst, driving drunk.
Every blue we've had has been over drunken behaviour and last night topped the cake.
We were arguing over him telling me a few nights ago that he'd be home in a half hour or so and then coming home 3 hours later drunk as can be with no call or message to let me know - and he DROVE. Last night He was, again, drunk..
He spat it, said I was "hard work" and refused to discuss anything (as usual) He was headed out the door, to find the bottom of a bottle of scotch no doubt, and when I refused to give him his car keys he came at me physically... For the first time in our relationship, I was scared of him. He was hovering over me, pushing me and poking at me. I was terrified he'd hit me and I lost it and slapped him to stop him coming at me and when he continued, I slapped him again.
He stopped then and challenged me to hit him again. By this time my teenage kids and their friends have come out to see what the fuss is and are watching him taunt me.
He then grabs a dining room chair and smashes it into a million pieces and picks up the leg and starts bashing everything on the dining table and throwing stuff off the kitchen bench. I managed to push him out the front door while my daughter called the police and held my son and her boyfriend back (as they were both ready to step in and protect me)
Now, he's gone. The police have issued a 48 hour restraining order so we can't communicate and I am devastated.
He is the most gentle, easy-going person I have ever met and the person I saw last night was a mad-man I never knew existed. I had no clue he was even capable of such aggression.
I am humiliated and just don't know what to do. Logic says throw all his stuff on the front lawn and say good bye but another part of me wonders if this is just a REALLY big mistake and maybe the catalyst that will see him get help.
I have no one to talk to as my family live in a different country and I don't want to worry them and I'm too embarrassed to tell friends or co-workers.
How did I get into this situation?? Is this really me???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Welcome to SR...glad you found us all here. I'm sure many others will come along with advice, but just know this is NOT your fault. Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. It makes us alcoholics become different people when we put alcohol into our system. Sounds like he could use some help, a treatment program maybe or AA?
Good for you for reaching out for help!
Good for you for reaching out for help!
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
This happened to me a few years ago... a very, very similar situation.
I know this sounds harsh... but if he wants to get help, he can do it on his own and maybe the two of you can talk when he's got some sobriety time. Maybe.
But you have to draw a line here. Once that line of physical violence has been crossed, there's really no going back. Part of me was afraid of my boyfriend after that.
I don't think I would have dumped him, for the reasons you mention. He was a good guy sober, I felt terrible for him. But since it happened in front of people I had to. I had to see the situation through their eyes and realize I'd be crazy to stay with him.
It was hard but it was the right decision. I don't know how we could ever have had a healthy relationship after that. You never think about whether the people you love are physically bigger or stronger than you until something like that happens... and then you become aware of it and it's hard to turn that awareness off.
Big hugs to you. I remember how I felt so clearly. His problems are not your problems. You need to protect yourself and your family, no matter how much he regrets what happened.
I know this sounds harsh... but if he wants to get help, he can do it on his own and maybe the two of you can talk when he's got some sobriety time. Maybe.
But you have to draw a line here. Once that line of physical violence has been crossed, there's really no going back. Part of me was afraid of my boyfriend after that.
I don't think I would have dumped him, for the reasons you mention. He was a good guy sober, I felt terrible for him. But since it happened in front of people I had to. I had to see the situation through their eyes and realize I'd be crazy to stay with him.
It was hard but it was the right decision. I don't know how we could ever have had a healthy relationship after that. You never think about whether the people you love are physically bigger or stronger than you until something like that happens... and then you become aware of it and it's hard to turn that awareness off.
Big hugs to you. I remember how I felt so clearly. His problems are not your problems. You need to protect yourself and your family, no matter how much he regrets what happened.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Also... that feeling of "how did I get here?" has haunted me for years. I'm just now getting myself into therapy to try and work through some of the trust issues that grew out of it. If you can, try to get some counseling. I know it may not feel like such a huge deal, since he didn't ultimately hit you, but at least in my case it had a much bigger impact on me than I realized at the time.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR. Sorry it was such an awful experience that brought you to us.
There's a special forum here for members who are dealing with alcoholics. If you haven't found it yet, you might find some similar experiences by other members there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best of luck to you.
There's a special forum here for members who are dealing with alcoholics. If you haven't found it yet, you might find some similar experiences by other members there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by IsThisMe 
He is the most gentle, easy-going person I have ever met
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: northern virginia
Posts: 535
isthisme...
welcome to SR. the situation in which you had to gind us is terrifying, but we're glad you're here.
you can't fix him... he has to change himself if he wants to. the only thing you can do is keep yourself and your kids safe. please know that alcoholism is a progressive disease... it will only get worse. please find the courage to free yourself from the grip he has on you.
there is a ton of support and knowledge here... keep reading, and please keep yourself safe.
sending you thoughts of peace and hope...
welcome to SR. the situation in which you had to gind us is terrifying, but we're glad you're here.
you can't fix him... he has to change himself if he wants to. the only thing you can do is keep yourself and your kids safe. please know that alcoholism is a progressive disease... it will only get worse. please find the courage to free yourself from the grip he has on you.
there is a ton of support and knowledge here... keep reading, and please keep yourself safe.
sending you thoughts of peace and hope...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
"I am humiliated and just don't know what to do. Logic says throw all his stuff on the front lawn and say good bye but another part of me wonders if this is just a REALLY big mistake and maybe the catalyst that will see him get help."
Your situation is a wake up call and probably will NOT fix itself if alcohol is part of the equation. I believe if a single drink is part of his being, all bets are off. He needs to do this for himself not you or any other reason. Ya gutta wana is used in AA and quite accurate. It's a tough situation however alcohol makes it much tougher. BE WELL
Your situation is a wake up call and probably will NOT fix itself if alcohol is part of the equation. I believe if a single drink is part of his being, all bets are off. He needs to do this for himself not you or any other reason. Ya gutta wana is used in AA and quite accurate. It's a tough situation however alcohol makes it much tougher. BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Al-Anon would help you a lot to see the truth.
My wife is about as sick as I am .. she just doesn't drink.
The alcoholic is addicted to the drink. The Al-Anon is addicted to the drunk.
All the best.
Bob R
My wife is about as sick as I am .. she just doesn't drink.
The alcoholic is addicted to the drink. The Al-Anon is addicted to the drunk.
All the best.
Bob R
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Your story has been told by million different people in a million different places. One thing is for certain you're not going to change him only he can change himself. Check out ALANON. You will be surrounded with people who understand and they will teach you how to deal with your situation.
There are solutions but you have to reach out and grasp them. My thoughts and prayers go out to you
There are solutions but you have to reach out and grasp them. My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by IsThisMe
Wow. This is hard.
I just don't know who to turn to or what to do right now. I guess it's best just to spit it out, right? Here goes...
My bf and I have been together a year and a half, living together for a year. He was FIFO when we met and worked a 2 and 1.
I suppose I realised that he drank quite a bit from the beginning but it didn't seem out of control. He was only home 1 week out of three and that week was spent socialising and catching up with friends and family.
Then I started noticing HOW drunk he got on nights out. Then one day we went to a wedding (open bar) and I wound up resuscitating him after he stopped breathing on the bedroom floor. We called the ambo and by the time they blood alcohol tested him (hours after he'd stopped drinking) he was still 0.29 almost poisoning.
The next day, I found out some things he had done when drunk that almost had me breaking up with him but of course he was so sorry and so convincing that I gave him another chance.
He quit after that, I guess it scared him. It lasted about 2 months and then the social drinks crept back in. I really noticed it when he came off FIFO and lived with me full time.
He doesn't change much as a drunk but then, I have come to realise that he isn't sober very much at all.
Lately, things have been bad and I've been calling him out on it. The inconsiderations, going drinking after work and leaving me wondering where he is and worst, driving drunk.
Every blue we've had has been over drunken behaviour and last night topped the cake.
We were arguing over him telling me a few nights ago that he'd be home in a half hour or so and then coming home 3 hours later drunk as can be with no call or message to let me know - and he DROVE. Last night He was, again, drunk..
He spat it, said I was "hard work" and refused to discuss anything (as usual) He was headed out the door, to find the bottom of a bottle of scotch no doubt, and when I refused to give him his car keys he came at me physically... For the first time in our relationship, I was scared of him. He was hovering over me, pushing me and poking at me. I was terrified he'd hit me and I lost it and slapped him to stop him coming at me and when he continued, I slapped him again.
He stopped then and challenged me to hit him again. By this time my teenage kids and their friends have come out to see what the fuss is and are watching him taunt me.
He then grabs a dining room chair and smashes it into a million pieces and picks up the leg and starts bashing everything on the dining table and throwing stuff off the kitchen bench. I managed to push him out the front door while my daughter called the police and held my son and her boyfriend back (as they were both ready to step in and protect me)
Now, he's gone. The police have issued a 48 hour restraining order so we can't communicate and I am devastated.
He is the most gentle, easy-going person I have ever met and the person I saw last night was a mad-man I never knew existed. I had no clue he was even capable of such aggression.
I am humiliated and just don't know what to do. Logic says throw all his stuff on the front lawn and say good bye but another part of me wonders if this is just a REALLY big mistake and maybe the catalyst that will see him get help.
I have no one to talk to as my family live in a different country and I don't want to worry them and I'm too embarrassed to tell friends or co-workers.
How did I get into this situation?? Is this really me???
I just don't know who to turn to or what to do right now. I guess it's best just to spit it out, right? Here goes...
My bf and I have been together a year and a half, living together for a year. He was FIFO when we met and worked a 2 and 1.
I suppose I realised that he drank quite a bit from the beginning but it didn't seem out of control. He was only home 1 week out of three and that week was spent socialising and catching up with friends and family.
Then I started noticing HOW drunk he got on nights out. Then one day we went to a wedding (open bar) and I wound up resuscitating him after he stopped breathing on the bedroom floor. We called the ambo and by the time they blood alcohol tested him (hours after he'd stopped drinking) he was still 0.29 almost poisoning.
The next day, I found out some things he had done when drunk that almost had me breaking up with him but of course he was so sorry and so convincing that I gave him another chance.
He quit after that, I guess it scared him. It lasted about 2 months and then the social drinks crept back in. I really noticed it when he came off FIFO and lived with me full time.
He doesn't change much as a drunk but then, I have come to realise that he isn't sober very much at all.
Lately, things have been bad and I've been calling him out on it. The inconsiderations, going drinking after work and leaving me wondering where he is and worst, driving drunk.
Every blue we've had has been over drunken behaviour and last night topped the cake.
We were arguing over him telling me a few nights ago that he'd be home in a half hour or so and then coming home 3 hours later drunk as can be with no call or message to let me know - and he DROVE. Last night He was, again, drunk..
He spat it, said I was "hard work" and refused to discuss anything (as usual) He was headed out the door, to find the bottom of a bottle of scotch no doubt, and when I refused to give him his car keys he came at me physically... For the first time in our relationship, I was scared of him. He was hovering over me, pushing me and poking at me. I was terrified he'd hit me and I lost it and slapped him to stop him coming at me and when he continued, I slapped him again.
He stopped then and challenged me to hit him again. By this time my teenage kids and their friends have come out to see what the fuss is and are watching him taunt me.
He then grabs a dining room chair and smashes it into a million pieces and picks up the leg and starts bashing everything on the dining table and throwing stuff off the kitchen bench. I managed to push him out the front door while my daughter called the police and held my son and her boyfriend back (as they were both ready to step in and protect me)
Now, he's gone. The police have issued a 48 hour restraining order so we can't communicate and I am devastated.
He is the most gentle, easy-going person I have ever met and the person I saw last night was a mad-man I never knew existed. I had no clue he was even capable of such aggression.
I am humiliated and just don't know what to do. Logic says throw all his stuff on the front lawn and say good bye but another part of me wonders if this is just a REALLY big mistake and maybe the catalyst that will see him get help.
I have no one to talk to as my family live in a different country and I don't want to worry them and I'm too embarrassed to tell friends or co-workers.
How did I get into this situation?? Is this really me???
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Originally Posted by IsThisMe
Last night He was, again, drunk..
He spat it, said I was "hard work" and refused to discuss anything (as usual) He was headed out the door, to find the bottom of a bottle of scotch no doubt, and when I refused to give him his car keys he came at me physically... For the first time in our relationship, I was scared of him. He was hovering over me, pushing me and poking at me. I was terrified he'd hit me and I lost it and slapped him to stop him coming at me and when he continued, I slapped him again.
He stopped then and challenged me to hit him again.
He spat it, said I was "hard work" and refused to discuss anything (as usual) He was headed out the door, to find the bottom of a bottle of scotch no doubt, and when I refused to give him his car keys he came at me physically... For the first time in our relationship, I was scared of him. He was hovering over me, pushing me and poking at me. I was terrified he'd hit me and I lost it and slapped him to stop him coming at me and when he continued, I slapped him again.
He stopped then and challenged me to hit him again.
I was told this by my neighbor, who leads the AA groups in the area for over 20 years and had tons of experiencing with addiction in many ways that I didn't:
never, ever let the argument get so out of hand that one is restraining the other from walking out. Let them walk out, then call the police with license #.
when it comes right down to it, risking your own life to stop another from potentially hurting themselves or others, isn't the way to do it.
Let them leave, call the cops.
Very hard to do...I know.
Sorry this happened to you, him and the kids. Very.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Thank you, everyone for your responses. It sounds terrible but there is comfort in shared experiences and I appreciate everyone's advice/input.
After some very deep thought and hours of conversation with a friend who has been through a similar experience, I've made a decision.
He has to move out. For the physical, emotional and psychological safety of myself and my kids, not to mention the right we have to a peaceful and pleasant home. I'm not ready to eject him from my life completely (and am a bit nervous about his reaction to cutting ties completely - feel like easing into it is safer for all of us given the temper he displayed) but we cannot live together at least for now and possibly for good.
You are all so right. He needs to want help for HIMSELF and not just for us or to "keep the peace" or save the relationship. He can't do that here and I am not willing to take responsibility for "fixing" him. And the last thing I want is to enable him any more than I already have.
I am not afraid of being alone... I'm twice divorced already and I'm smart and capable and experience in going it on my own... All the more reason I can't believe I'm in this situation. I know it sounds cold but I made it clear from the beginning that in a fire I would use his body to dampen the flames to get to my kids. They come first... Always.
Doesn't make it any less painful or heartbreaking and I genuinely hope he finds the strength and right reasons to change. Reading through here has shown me that its not likely our relationship will survive this but I will, and maybe he will too in time.
The hard part is still to come.... Telling him once the restraining order is up in a way that is clear and leaves nomroom for argument.
After some very deep thought and hours of conversation with a friend who has been through a similar experience, I've made a decision.
He has to move out. For the physical, emotional and psychological safety of myself and my kids, not to mention the right we have to a peaceful and pleasant home. I'm not ready to eject him from my life completely (and am a bit nervous about his reaction to cutting ties completely - feel like easing into it is safer for all of us given the temper he displayed) but we cannot live together at least for now and possibly for good.
You are all so right. He needs to want help for HIMSELF and not just for us or to "keep the peace" or save the relationship. He can't do that here and I am not willing to take responsibility for "fixing" him. And the last thing I want is to enable him any more than I already have.
I am not afraid of being alone... I'm twice divorced already and I'm smart and capable and experience in going it on my own... All the more reason I can't believe I'm in this situation. I know it sounds cold but I made it clear from the beginning that in a fire I would use his body to dampen the flames to get to my kids. They come first... Always.
Doesn't make it any less painful or heartbreaking and I genuinely hope he finds the strength and right reasons to change. Reading through here has shown me that its not likely our relationship will survive this but I will, and maybe he will too in time.
The hard part is still to come.... Telling him once the restraining order is up in a way that is clear and leaves nomroom for argument.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Out west
Posts: 191
I've never experienced what you describe from the perspective of an adult partner in an abusive relationship. But what you describe sounds disturbingly similar to what I experienced as a teenager. Like your daughter, I too called the cops the first time it happened. I too was assured it will never happen again. Eventually I couldn't call the cops anymore because my step dad would rip the phone out of the wall before I got the chance. Take care and be cautious that you are not potentially falling into the cycle of abuse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Lethe
Hitting someone who's drunk, never a good idea. I'm not surprised at all that he went ballistic on something other than you. In my shoes, it was really hard to handle being hit by someone who knew I'd not hit back. From the other side of this, to be hit because she was afraid of me (umm...cause I'm taller? bigger? leaving her?) I honestly got to a point where I understood fear. Never tho' could I understand the hitting. I just wasn't raised where hitting was ever ok. Nor nasty words, nagging, harping, controlling, etc.
I was told this by my neighbor, who leads the AA groups in the area for over 20 years and had tons of experiencing with addiction in many ways that I didn't:
never, ever let the argument get so out of hand that one is restraining the other from walking out. Let them walk out, then call the police with license #.
when it comes right down to it, risking your own life to stop another from potentially hurting themselves or others, isn't the way to do it.
Let them leave, call the cops.
Very hard to do...I know.
Sorry this happened to you, him and the kids. Very.
I was told this by my neighbor, who leads the AA groups in the area for over 20 years and had tons of experiencing with addiction in many ways that I didn't:
never, ever let the argument get so out of hand that one is restraining the other from walking out. Let them walk out, then call the police with license #.
when it comes right down to it, risking your own life to stop another from potentially hurting themselves or others, isn't the way to do it.
Let them leave, call the cops.
Very hard to do...I know.
Sorry this happened to you, him and the kids. Very.
.
When I told the police that he never hit me and that I had struck him and was appalled by what I had done, he said that it was fight or flight and that a 6 foot man, looming over a 5 for woman with his hand at her face is incredibly intimidating and that my reaction though obviously not ideal was instinctive and understandable. That I had a reasonable right to self defence.
I'm not proud of myself but I won't beat myself up over it either. It did not give him the right to destroy furniture and endanger 5 people in the process.
I know better now and will never put myself or us in the way again.
Thank you for your input and your kind thoughts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Elphaba
I've never experienced what you describe from the perspective of an adult partner in an abusive relationship. But what you describe sounds disturbingly similar to what I experienced as a teenager. Like your daughter, I too called the cops the first time it happened. I too was assured it will never happen again. Eventually I couldn't call the cops anymore because my step dad would rip the phone out of the wall before I got the chance. Take care and be cautious that you are not potentially falling into the cycle of abuse.
That is my biggest fear and the reason why I think distance is the best course of action. I can't risk exposing the kids to another incident like this...
I'm so sorry you went through that
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by wanttobepure
Am I the only one who doesn't know what FIFO is? Unless it's First In, First Out from my college accounting classes.
LOL It's an acronym for fly in, fly out. He was working on the mines in the goldfields of Western Australia. So he would fly out to work for 2 weeks and then fly in home for 1. Repeat.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 199
Stay within your hula hoop and don't step out. Placing boundaries and taking care of yourself and your kids right now is the best thing you can do. Unfortunately he has to fix himself and you can't do that for him. If you can attend an Al Anon meeting please do so. They'll understand and help you.
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