When is Enough...Enough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 14
When is Enough...Enough?
I am going to start with a situation that happened just this past holiday season, which also happens to my birthday week. The week didn't start off so great, my best friend's father died, a man I was very close to and admired, my boyfriend's mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I had a lot of other things going on in my career, which is a highly competitive field and also very demanding of me. Well, I decided to take my birthday/christmas week and spend it with my parents, I thought I could really use some "me" time and not have to be the 33 year old adult with responsibilites for awhile and just relax.
Well, Friday morning (my bday) I drop my BF off at the airport, drive through a snow storm (a normal one hour drive turned into four) and finally arrive at my parents' house...my dad sees that I am upset from my friend's dad's death and he tells me, "Get over it. It happens." OK...I get that and blow it off because my dad has never been one for sympathy or empathy of any sort. And I, being the oldest and strongest was never supposed to cry...that is a sign of weakness. So I take his comment in stride and proceed to the wake...some bday. Next morning we had the actual service, following the service, my mom and I decided to go walk around the mall for awhile and just decompress from all of the stress of the last two days. As we are pulling into the driveway, around 6 pm, there he is...standing in the garage with "that look." That look that you know he has been drinking and this isn't a good thing. Dad was never the jovial drunk. Mom looks at me and says, "Uh oh, looks like he's been drinking." Let's be honest, when isn't he drinking, the statement should have been "He's clearly been drinking all day and he's drunk."
My mom and I say our hello's but quickly walk into the house, he follows. He wants to go to dinner for my bday, says let's take grandma...I say sure sounds fun. But all the while, I have that same sick pit in my stomach that says, this night will not turn out well, that was putting it mildly. As the three of us were walking outside the nasty comments/swearing for no reason started and he walked directly to his keg to fill up his glass BEFORE getting into the car. My mom and I both asked him to PLEASE not drink anymore as we can tell he had been drinking all day...he takes one look at me and laughs and continues to fill up his glass. Mom screams she is not going, I always being the peace maker, get into the car and say, "let's just go and I will drive. But please no open containers." He would abide...and now he is PISSED. He stood in the garage, screaming at my mother, not even me (I am currently in my car watching and listening in absolute amazement at what is happening). He is standing there calling me a no good bitch, no one wants me around, I think I am too good, etc. Mom trying to calm him down as she has done for 34 years asked that I get out of the car and talk to him...not wanting to see my mom upset, I get out. What a mistake...he went nuts. He was in my face screaming at me and threatening physical abuse. He told me I was a "c" word and the list goes on and on.
I have had it...shaking and crying, I walked into the house, grabbed my luggage and my little dog (who is also shaking)...and here come the parents. Mom is screaming, "Please don't leave and ruin my christmas." And dad is just screaming profanity after profanity and telling me he his going to break my dog's neck, etc. I get into my car and drove myself to the nearest/safest parking lot and just lost it. I was immediately taken back to the years when he had that kind of explosive behavior except it was always directed towards my mom and I was always jumping in the middle, physically, to try and stop him from anymore harm.
I called my sister and her first words to me were, "Please go back and make sure mom is Ok. He's probably beating her." This isn't important now, but will be. I had already been in therapy because of abusive relationships...so I knew I had to take care of myself first and I drove myself back to MY house where I felt safe. If mom was getting beat, she chose that life, not me and I cannot "help" her anymore, she has to want it.
Long story short, he called just two hours later and says he was blacked out and didn't remember a thing...well I do. I don't easily "forgive and forget" especially with someone who has portrayed this type of negative, aggressive behavior my entire life. He was never the dad you wanted to run up to and give a big hug...when I was little I used to pray to God that he would get into a car accident and die or that he would get a DUI and be put in jail, anything so that he wouldn't come home and start fighting with my mom and then I would have to referee. I had countless nights that I would get maybe four hours of sleep before going to school, through all 12 years and even into college. Mom always just acted like nothing ever happened.
I let it go...got through the holidays. Now it's January and my grandfather gets sick. I live out of town, have a demanding career (love it) and have a life. Now, do not get me wrong, I love my grandfather more than anything, I was the "apple of his eye" and I could never do anything wrong in his eyes. He never liked my dad, in fact, barely spoke to him and I believe it's because he saw him for what he really is. The day my grandfather died, I walked into my grandma's house and not one person talked to me, including my mom. Things between the two of us since the night of his attack, never went back to normal. I was always my mom's best friend and always protecting her, well now I was beginning to protect myself. I went to hug her and she literally pulled away...after just a few hours there I went back to my house. And that was it.
Fast forward to this past May...my BF and I were going on a trip. My mom and I talked about some issues she had with me back in March (her normal calls these days, "I have some issues with you....") and I just sit there, listen and let her say whatever it is she has to say. Keep in mind this is a small detail I left out...I am a skinny person, always have been, but for some reason my family isn't happy about that. I work out and eat well and try to live a very healthy lifestyle. They however, do not. They smoke, drink and do zero exercise. And because, I do all of these things, I must be "too good" and my mom says things to me like, "You're so skinny no one thinks you're attractive anymore, You are just so gross, You have no shape, You're anorexic," the list could go on for days.
Anyway, back to the trip, I went to pick up my dog who was at my parents for the weekend. I was there for literally four minutes before my dad exploded again, this time over my weight. Asking me how much I weigh...they ask me this EVERY TIME they see me. Trust me, I was gross looking back in Jan, Feb, March because of all of the stress from them! Now in May I've finally gained 20lbs back and feeling great and healthy...I had been away from them. So I try to explain this and then think WHY? If it's not my weight, it's going to be about the way I raise my dog, the way I talk like I'm too good...something, anything for them to pick at me and start a fight. Well, I wasn't fighting, I grabbed my little dog said thank you and walked out...as I am walking out I hear my mom tell him that was inappropriate and he yells that he doesn't give a F(@*. So I got into my car, drove away and decided that was it. I would not be subject to his abuse and his bullying any longer. I do not have to take this crap.
Fast forward three weeks and there it is the phone call from mom...keep in mind we talked daily sometimes up to three times a day before his outrage in
December. At first the conversation was pleasant, then it became "You didn't come see me enough after grandpa died, you don't call your grandma enough, you don't see your sister enough, you have friends who you don't see anymore, you posted pics on FB with your BF's mom...where's mine?? HAHAHA. Are you kidding...not, "hey honey, saw your pics from your vacation, looked beautiful, how was it?" It was about how MY pics offended HER. It was then that it all clicked...she is just as sick as he is. I think she has finally come to the point of, "Can't beat 'em, join 'em." She then proceeded to tell me, "You HAVE to talk to your dad and work this out." I told her, I will...someday, when I am ready. Her phone call was followed up with one from my father that said, "You and I are going to have a day of reckoning really soon."
Since then, I have decided to completely cut off contact with both of my parents...I cannot have contact with my mom, who is now verbally abusing me, continue to defend him and pretend like nothing ever happened. If that's how she wants to conduct her life...that's fine, but I will not.
I am struggling here with the guilt, but I know that it is for the best. My sister is pregnant and getting ready to have the first baby of our family and I don't even feel as if I can be a part of it. My sister is whole story within herself (recovering alcoholic and heroin user)...like to party with dad while growing up, that was their form of "bonding." Healthy uh?
I did not go to her baby shower out of fear that my dad would be there...after they heard the news I wouldn't be there the phone calls started. I was getting calls from friends, aunts, cousins, etc. And sure enough, good old dad showed up. But see, he and my sister are now BFFs and she doesn't "remember" anything that happened from our childhood and that I am being ridiculous and I should be ashamed for callling him an abusive alcoholic and that I should be ashamed for the way I am treating our mom.
I can literally do nothing right for my family and now, everything is starting to click. I always felt like I was never "good enough" for any guy I ever dated, let them treat me like **** and it's because that is how my own family treats me! Now, I am with someone who does NOT fight...in three years he has never called me one name and there have been many times when I almost effed that all up because of the way I fight. I fight like "they" do and I don't like it. So for the past six months with the help of a therapist, many books and my significant other I am working on changing myself and will not tolerate their sick, toxic behaviors anymore. I told my sister, if she wants a relationship with me we will have to do it without my parents being involved. They always have to be in control and are still in the mindset of "We are the parents and you will do as we say." My sister spends almost every weekend with them and talks to them both daily and it's hard and very sad for me.
They think I am doing this as some sort of punishment to them, but I am really taking care of myself.
Sorry for such a long post...I am new here and tried to get as much of my story out there as possible. I guess it's nice to see that I am not crazy and there are other's out there. My mom thinks just because he didn't hit us...that makes everything else OK and I am being overreactive.
Well, Friday morning (my bday) I drop my BF off at the airport, drive through a snow storm (a normal one hour drive turned into four) and finally arrive at my parents' house...my dad sees that I am upset from my friend's dad's death and he tells me, "Get over it. It happens." OK...I get that and blow it off because my dad has never been one for sympathy or empathy of any sort. And I, being the oldest and strongest was never supposed to cry...that is a sign of weakness. So I take his comment in stride and proceed to the wake...some bday. Next morning we had the actual service, following the service, my mom and I decided to go walk around the mall for awhile and just decompress from all of the stress of the last two days. As we are pulling into the driveway, around 6 pm, there he is...standing in the garage with "that look." That look that you know he has been drinking and this isn't a good thing. Dad was never the jovial drunk. Mom looks at me and says, "Uh oh, looks like he's been drinking." Let's be honest, when isn't he drinking, the statement should have been "He's clearly been drinking all day and he's drunk."
My mom and I say our hello's but quickly walk into the house, he follows. He wants to go to dinner for my bday, says let's take grandma...I say sure sounds fun. But all the while, I have that same sick pit in my stomach that says, this night will not turn out well, that was putting it mildly. As the three of us were walking outside the nasty comments/swearing for no reason started and he walked directly to his keg to fill up his glass BEFORE getting into the car. My mom and I both asked him to PLEASE not drink anymore as we can tell he had been drinking all day...he takes one look at me and laughs and continues to fill up his glass. Mom screams she is not going, I always being the peace maker, get into the car and say, "let's just go and I will drive. But please no open containers." He would abide...and now he is PISSED. He stood in the garage, screaming at my mother, not even me (I am currently in my car watching and listening in absolute amazement at what is happening). He is standing there calling me a no good bitch, no one wants me around, I think I am too good, etc. Mom trying to calm him down as she has done for 34 years asked that I get out of the car and talk to him...not wanting to see my mom upset, I get out. What a mistake...he went nuts. He was in my face screaming at me and threatening physical abuse. He told me I was a "c" word and the list goes on and on.
I have had it...shaking and crying, I walked into the house, grabbed my luggage and my little dog (who is also shaking)...and here come the parents. Mom is screaming, "Please don't leave and ruin my christmas." And dad is just screaming profanity after profanity and telling me he his going to break my dog's neck, etc. I get into my car and drove myself to the nearest/safest parking lot and just lost it. I was immediately taken back to the years when he had that kind of explosive behavior except it was always directed towards my mom and I was always jumping in the middle, physically, to try and stop him from anymore harm.
I called my sister and her first words to me were, "Please go back and make sure mom is Ok. He's probably beating her." This isn't important now, but will be. I had already been in therapy because of abusive relationships...so I knew I had to take care of myself first and I drove myself back to MY house where I felt safe. If mom was getting beat, she chose that life, not me and I cannot "help" her anymore, she has to want it.
Long story short, he called just two hours later and says he was blacked out and didn't remember a thing...well I do. I don't easily "forgive and forget" especially with someone who has portrayed this type of negative, aggressive behavior my entire life. He was never the dad you wanted to run up to and give a big hug...when I was little I used to pray to God that he would get into a car accident and die or that he would get a DUI and be put in jail, anything so that he wouldn't come home and start fighting with my mom and then I would have to referee. I had countless nights that I would get maybe four hours of sleep before going to school, through all 12 years and even into college. Mom always just acted like nothing ever happened.
I let it go...got through the holidays. Now it's January and my grandfather gets sick. I live out of town, have a demanding career (love it) and have a life. Now, do not get me wrong, I love my grandfather more than anything, I was the "apple of his eye" and I could never do anything wrong in his eyes. He never liked my dad, in fact, barely spoke to him and I believe it's because he saw him for what he really is. The day my grandfather died, I walked into my grandma's house and not one person talked to me, including my mom. Things between the two of us since the night of his attack, never went back to normal. I was always my mom's best friend and always protecting her, well now I was beginning to protect myself. I went to hug her and she literally pulled away...after just a few hours there I went back to my house. And that was it.
Fast forward to this past May...my BF and I were going on a trip. My mom and I talked about some issues she had with me back in March (her normal calls these days, "I have some issues with you....") and I just sit there, listen and let her say whatever it is she has to say. Keep in mind this is a small detail I left out...I am a skinny person, always have been, but for some reason my family isn't happy about that. I work out and eat well and try to live a very healthy lifestyle. They however, do not. They smoke, drink and do zero exercise. And because, I do all of these things, I must be "too good" and my mom says things to me like, "You're so skinny no one thinks you're attractive anymore, You are just so gross, You have no shape, You're anorexic," the list could go on for days.
Anyway, back to the trip, I went to pick up my dog who was at my parents for the weekend. I was there for literally four minutes before my dad exploded again, this time over my weight. Asking me how much I weigh...they ask me this EVERY TIME they see me. Trust me, I was gross looking back in Jan, Feb, March because of all of the stress from them! Now in May I've finally gained 20lbs back and feeling great and healthy...I had been away from them. So I try to explain this and then think WHY? If it's not my weight, it's going to be about the way I raise my dog, the way I talk like I'm too good...something, anything for them to pick at me and start a fight. Well, I wasn't fighting, I grabbed my little dog said thank you and walked out...as I am walking out I hear my mom tell him that was inappropriate and he yells that he doesn't give a F(@*. So I got into my car, drove away and decided that was it. I would not be subject to his abuse and his bullying any longer. I do not have to take this crap.
Fast forward three weeks and there it is the phone call from mom...keep in mind we talked daily sometimes up to three times a day before his outrage in
December. At first the conversation was pleasant, then it became "You didn't come see me enough after grandpa died, you don't call your grandma enough, you don't see your sister enough, you have friends who you don't see anymore, you posted pics on FB with your BF's mom...where's mine?? HAHAHA. Are you kidding...not, "hey honey, saw your pics from your vacation, looked beautiful, how was it?" It was about how MY pics offended HER. It was then that it all clicked...she is just as sick as he is. I think she has finally come to the point of, "Can't beat 'em, join 'em." She then proceeded to tell me, "You HAVE to talk to your dad and work this out." I told her, I will...someday, when I am ready. Her phone call was followed up with one from my father that said, "You and I are going to have a day of reckoning really soon."
Since then, I have decided to completely cut off contact with both of my parents...I cannot have contact with my mom, who is now verbally abusing me, continue to defend him and pretend like nothing ever happened. If that's how she wants to conduct her life...that's fine, but I will not.
I am struggling here with the guilt, but I know that it is for the best. My sister is pregnant and getting ready to have the first baby of our family and I don't even feel as if I can be a part of it. My sister is whole story within herself (recovering alcoholic and heroin user)...like to party with dad while growing up, that was their form of "bonding." Healthy uh?
I did not go to her baby shower out of fear that my dad would be there...after they heard the news I wouldn't be there the phone calls started. I was getting calls from friends, aunts, cousins, etc. And sure enough, good old dad showed up. But see, he and my sister are now BFFs and she doesn't "remember" anything that happened from our childhood and that I am being ridiculous and I should be ashamed for callling him an abusive alcoholic and that I should be ashamed for the way I am treating our mom.
I can literally do nothing right for my family and now, everything is starting to click. I always felt like I was never "good enough" for any guy I ever dated, let them treat me like **** and it's because that is how my own family treats me! Now, I am with someone who does NOT fight...in three years he has never called me one name and there have been many times when I almost effed that all up because of the way I fight. I fight like "they" do and I don't like it. So for the past six months with the help of a therapist, many books and my significant other I am working on changing myself and will not tolerate their sick, toxic behaviors anymore. I told my sister, if she wants a relationship with me we will have to do it without my parents being involved. They always have to be in control and are still in the mindset of "We are the parents and you will do as we say." My sister spends almost every weekend with them and talks to them both daily and it's hard and very sad for me.
They think I am doing this as some sort of punishment to them, but I am really taking care of myself.
Sorry for such a long post...I am new here and tried to get as much of my story out there as possible. I guess it's nice to see that I am not crazy and there are other's out there. My mom thinks just because he didn't hit us...that makes everything else OK and I am being overreactive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Peace,
That's an awful lot for anyone to handle. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.
There are probably many people on SR that can relate and have more experience than me with how they dealt with family dynamics of abuse and addiction. I only know the being the drunk one. My family wasn't perfect but I never had to deal with abuse. I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. No one does.
I just want to say welcome. You have found a good place here where you can share and find support. Keep reading and posting.
That's an awful lot for anyone to handle. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.
There are probably many people on SR that can relate and have more experience than me with how they dealt with family dynamics of abuse and addiction. I only know the being the drunk one. My family wasn't perfect but I never had to deal with abuse. I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. No one does.
I just want to say welcome. You have found a good place here where you can share and find support. Keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 291
PIY - your thread/history is a true testament of addiction/abuse/denial and all the effects it has on one's life. Do not give up.
First off, the only advice I can give is from a personal standpoint. I am not a medically trained person. So here it is: Take care of yourself first. You have had a lot of trauma in life due to addiction/self inflicted abuse by your Mom/enabling this by both your sister and yourself. Time to let go and get yourself in to Therapy.
Once you have more grounding, even though you know yourself that you are not at fault for anything, only then will you be able to help your Dad, Mother and Sister. So hard to say this, but it is time for you to help yourself. Dad and Mom enable each other. Why would she stay in a marriage that involves pyscholigical and physical abuse after her kids are grown??? Why would she blame you for not being there for her??? Why is your sister denying the truth?? Get yourself removed and seek help alone.
Once YOU and only YOU can go back to your family and state the obvious, will all of this ever heal. Will it happen?? I truly doubt it. No one in your family has confronted either your Mother of Father about the obvious truth. Your Mother needs you and your Sister for support. She does not want to acknowledge and accept her own life and decisions.
You on the other hand, do not have to repeat history. You can and WILL live a happy life with or without them. It is up to you. Most of my family is dead and I miss them tremendously, but if you are being truthful in your statements, then I am happy that I had a great family and they are deceased from health reasons or addiction. YOU CAN STOP THIS PATTERN FROM REPEATING.
Be honest with Mom, Dad and Sister. State that you are going for therapy and they are welcome to attend or get their own. Do not give in. Tell your Dad the trauma of his addiction and the life he in your eyes have left you with. Tell your Mother that you do not and cannot understand why she allowed and continues to allow this behaviour towards all of the family. Is she and addict or a co-dependant??? Tell your Sister, that if she want's to be favorite and not try to get help for your parent's - it is all in her hands.
GET YOURSELF HELP FIRST. Stop this right now. You will never move on and have a healthy relationship until you resolve past issues and learn to deal with the reality of now. Save yourself. Live a happy life with or without your family.
Sorry for coming of harsh. Welcome to SR and PLEASE keep posting.
First off, the only advice I can give is from a personal standpoint. I am not a medically trained person. So here it is: Take care of yourself first. You have had a lot of trauma in life due to addiction/self inflicted abuse by your Mom/enabling this by both your sister and yourself. Time to let go and get yourself in to Therapy.
Once you have more grounding, even though you know yourself that you are not at fault for anything, only then will you be able to help your Dad, Mother and Sister. So hard to say this, but it is time for you to help yourself. Dad and Mom enable each other. Why would she stay in a marriage that involves pyscholigical and physical abuse after her kids are grown??? Why would she blame you for not being there for her??? Why is your sister denying the truth?? Get yourself removed and seek help alone.
Once YOU and only YOU can go back to your family and state the obvious, will all of this ever heal. Will it happen?? I truly doubt it. No one in your family has confronted either your Mother of Father about the obvious truth. Your Mother needs you and your Sister for support. She does not want to acknowledge and accept her own life and decisions.
You on the other hand, do not have to repeat history. You can and WILL live a happy life with or without them. It is up to you. Most of my family is dead and I miss them tremendously, but if you are being truthful in your statements, then I am happy that I had a great family and they are deceased from health reasons or addiction. YOU CAN STOP THIS PATTERN FROM REPEATING.
Be honest with Mom, Dad and Sister. State that you are going for therapy and they are welcome to attend or get their own. Do not give in. Tell your Dad the trauma of his addiction and the life he in your eyes have left you with. Tell your Mother that you do not and cannot understand why she allowed and continues to allow this behaviour towards all of the family. Is she and addict or a co-dependant??? Tell your Sister, that if she want's to be favorite and not try to get help for your parent's - it is all in her hands.
GET YOURSELF HELP FIRST. Stop this right now. You will never move on and have a healthy relationship until you resolve past issues and learn to deal with the reality of now. Save yourself. Live a happy life with or without your family.
Sorry for coming of harsh. Welcome to SR and PLEASE keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 337
Welcome and I'm glad you've found SR. Here you can say what you want whenever you need too and there will be people in the forums who have been on your side of the fence or the other - either way we will support you.
I agree that you need to take care of you. Your BF sounds lovely and that is a relationship you are right to treasure.
You have had a lot of pain and I hope by focusing on you, you can heal. Be well and take care of yourself.
I agree that you need to take care of you. Your BF sounds lovely and that is a relationship you are right to treasure.
You have had a lot of pain and I hope by focusing on you, you can heal. Be well and take care of yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Your post really resonated with me today simply because I had some family issues of my own today (albeit a little benign in comparison to what you have endured). Suffice it to say that I too come from a family of addiction/denial/codependency/martyrdom yadda yadda. And the ONLY thing you can do is heal yourself first. I think you are doing the right things for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first..even when your family is clamoring to yank yours off.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, PeaceInYoga. Welcome to SR.
Thank you for you honest post.
I second all that's been said above - take care of yourself first.
The detail of my family story is quite different from yours, but the bottomline is the same - toxic. It took me a long time to realize that living better, healthy life is not "betraying" them, no way. If they really wanted for me what they claimed to - "see me happy" - then they should be glad for me. Otherwise, it's just manipulation.
You deserve to have your life. Sense of guilt is a tricky thing and often gives us a twisted perception of reality. Don't let it ruin your future.
Best luck to you.
Thank you for you honest post.
I second all that's been said above - take care of yourself first.
The detail of my family story is quite different from yours, but the bottomline is the same - toxic. It took me a long time to realize that living better, healthy life is not "betraying" them, no way. If they really wanted for me what they claimed to - "see me happy" - then they should be glad for me. Otherwise, it's just manipulation.
You deserve to have your life. Sense of guilt is a tricky thing and often gives us a twisted perception of reality. Don't let it ruin your future.
Best luck to you.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi Peace
Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel the pain and the hurt, and the frustration of your patents (especially your mother) not being able to build a healthier relationship with you.
Some things are out of our control. Perhaps all you can do is be open to a possible change in them.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
God bless +
Michael
Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel the pain and the hurt, and the frustration of your patents (especially your mother) not being able to build a healthier relationship with you.
Some things are out of our control. Perhaps all you can do is be open to a possible change in them.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
God bless +
Michael
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 14
Thanks all for the encouraging words. It is so hard to deal with and now he is out walking around town bragging that he left me a threatening vm...what kind of "father" talks that way and elaborates on wanting to cause physical harm. I am contemplating a restraining order, I don't think he will come to my house as he told my friend he knows I would call the cops on him in a minute. And he is right.
I have told my dad, mom, sister and younger brother (your typical youngest child, stays out of everything) that I cannot and will not be around him. He is and was abusive, volatile and unpredictable. I will not be around that kind of energy and if they cannot understand that, that is their problem.
My sister is furious that I use the word "abusive." So I had to define abuse and she told me I was nutz and ruining our family and I had to let her know he did that a long time ago. She has always been very manipulative and insecure. She had I have never had a real sisterly relationship...let's just say this, she was the first one to throw me under the bus in any situation. She would involve herself in EVERY relationship I had causing arguments because SHE felt I didn't belong with that person or she wouldn't like something they did. It wasn't until the past three years and soberity that she and I have been able to develop some type of "relationship." But there is always tension...no matter what. In fact, I told her to be happy I wasn't going to her baby shower that way I wouldn't take ANY attention from her, it was her day and she should relish in it. Instead she told me to go eff myself and enjoy my life. I simply said, thank you, I am.
I am hesitant to go to her baby shower on Saturday for two reasons. 1. I am nervous she will try to set something up (i.e. my dad showing up) and 2. my mom WILL be there and I really don't think I can deal with her right now.
I have told my dad, mom, sister and younger brother (your typical youngest child, stays out of everything) that I cannot and will not be around him. He is and was abusive, volatile and unpredictable. I will not be around that kind of energy and if they cannot understand that, that is their problem.
My sister is furious that I use the word "abusive." So I had to define abuse and she told me I was nutz and ruining our family and I had to let her know he did that a long time ago. She has always been very manipulative and insecure. She had I have never had a real sisterly relationship...let's just say this, she was the first one to throw me under the bus in any situation. She would involve herself in EVERY relationship I had causing arguments because SHE felt I didn't belong with that person or she wouldn't like something they did. It wasn't until the past three years and soberity that she and I have been able to develop some type of "relationship." But there is always tension...no matter what. In fact, I told her to be happy I wasn't going to her baby shower that way I wouldn't take ANY attention from her, it was her day and she should relish in it. Instead she told me to go eff myself and enjoy my life. I simply said, thank you, I am.
I am hesitant to go to her baby shower on Saturday for two reasons. 1. I am nervous she will try to set something up (i.e. my dad showing up) and 2. my mom WILL be there and I really don't think I can deal with her right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Living 
PIY - your thread/history is a true testament of addiction/abuse/denial and all the effects it has on one's life. Do not give up.
First off, the only advice I can give is from a personal standpoint. I am not a medically trained person. So here it is: Take care of yourself first. You have had a lot of trauma in life due to addiction/self inflicted abuse by your Mom/enabling this by both your sister and yourself. Time to let go and get yourself in to Therapy.
Once you have more grounding, even though you know yourself that you are not at fault for anything, only then will you be able to help your Dad, Mother and Sister. So hard to say this, but it is time for you to help yourself. Dad and Mom enable each other. Why would she stay in a marriage that involves pyscholigical and physical abuse after her kids are grown??? Why would she blame you for not being there for her??? Why is your sister denying the truth?? Get yourself removed and seek help alone.
Once YOU and only YOU can go back to your family and state the obvious, will all of this ever heal. Will it happen?? I truly doubt it. No one in your family has confronted either your Mother of Father about the obvious truth. Your Mother needs you and your Sister for support. She does not want to acknowledge and accept her own life and decisions.
You on the other hand, do not have to repeat history. You can and WILL live a happy life with or without them. It is up to you. Most of my family is dead and I miss them tremendously, but if you are being truthful in your statements, then I am happy that I had a great family and they are deceased from health reasons or addiction. YOU CAN STOP THIS PATTERN FROM REPEATING.
Be honest with Mom, Dad and Sister. State that you are going for therapy and they are welcome to attend or get their own. Do not give in. Tell your Dad the trauma of his addiction and the life he in your eyes have left you with. Tell your Mother that you do not and cannot understand why she allowed and continues to allow this behaviour towards all of the family. Is she and addict or a co-dependant??? Tell your Sister, that if she want's to be favorite and not try to get help for your parent's - it is all in her hands.
GET YOURSELF HELP FIRST. Stop this right now. You will never move on and have a healthy relationship until you resolve past issues and learn to deal with the reality of now. Save yourself. Live a happy life with or without your family.
Sorry for coming of harsh. Welcome to SR and PLEASE keep posting.
First off, the only advice I can give is from a personal standpoint. I am not a medically trained person. So here it is: Take care of yourself first. You have had a lot of trauma in life due to addiction/self inflicted abuse by your Mom/enabling this by both your sister and yourself. Time to let go and get yourself in to Therapy.
Once you have more grounding, even though you know yourself that you are not at fault for anything, only then will you be able to help your Dad, Mother and Sister. So hard to say this, but it is time for you to help yourself. Dad and Mom enable each other. Why would she stay in a marriage that involves pyscholigical and physical abuse after her kids are grown??? Why would she blame you for not being there for her??? Why is your sister denying the truth?? Get yourself removed and seek help alone.
Once YOU and only YOU can go back to your family and state the obvious, will all of this ever heal. Will it happen?? I truly doubt it. No one in your family has confronted either your Mother of Father about the obvious truth. Your Mother needs you and your Sister for support. She does not want to acknowledge and accept her own life and decisions.
You on the other hand, do not have to repeat history. You can and WILL live a happy life with or without them. It is up to you. Most of my family is dead and I miss them tremendously, but if you are being truthful in your statements, then I am happy that I had a great family and they are deceased from health reasons or addiction. YOU CAN STOP THIS PATTERN FROM REPEATING.
Be honest with Mom, Dad and Sister. State that you are going for therapy and they are welcome to attend or get their own. Do not give in. Tell your Dad the trauma of his addiction and the life he in your eyes have left you with. Tell your Mother that you do not and cannot understand why she allowed and continues to allow this behaviour towards all of the family. Is she and addict or a co-dependant??? Tell your Sister, that if she want's to be favorite and not try to get help for your parent's - it is all in her hands.
GET YOURSELF HELP FIRST. Stop this right now. You will never move on and have a healthy relationship until you resolve past issues and learn to deal with the reality of now. Save yourself. Live a happy life with or without your family.
Sorry for coming of harsh. Welcome to SR and PLEASE keep posting.
Told my Dad on December 30 the effects of his drinking has caused me a lot of pain as both a child and an adult. And I told him that he turns into a different person when he drinks and I hate that person. He sat there, hugged me, said it would never happen again and said he loved me more than anything. It wasn't until distance did I see what a crock of **** that was. He is your typical abuser! Does whatever the hell he wants and then apologizes, says he loves you and it will never happen again...wow. Does that sound familiar.
I also told my mom to stop blaming my boyfriends for the "way I am." She says that I always pick "real winners" and they all treat me like ****. I say...I wonder why that is?!? Could it be because the male role model I had treated me and my mother like **** and that was all I knew? That's why the first time my ex did hit me it wasn't such a shock...I thought that happened in all relationships.
My parents are clearly in the denial stage. My mom is a co-dependant and my sister, the master manipulator, my dad, the abusive alcoholic. It stinks that I have to take this kind of stand for them to wake up. I do believe my mom knows. I have shared with her on many occasions the way I feel. I decided years ago that man will NEVER walk me down the aisle, it would be the biggest farce EVER! In fact, if I were to get married before they get help...they will not be invited to my wedding. This is no longer a joke and Mr. ToughGuy isn't going to use threats and physical abuse to bully me into doing anything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I can really feel your anger and resentment.
This is something I am working on myself and the resentments I have for my mother. A couple of months ago I would have jumped on a post like this and added many story comparisons and capitals letters to enhance my point.
I have learned that not only can I not guess or assume what is in anothers mind I cannot wish or hope they will act different or one day , if I stay away long enough, that I can deal with the type of person they are. They are not going to change. I had to change. I had to let go of that anger and resentment. I had to come to a point and honestly admit that I have played a part in keeping all that hate, anger and resentment alive. I had to take responsibility for allowing it to pollute other relationships.
The only thing I can control is how I react. If the minute my mother does something that makes me angry and I let it make me angry, then I am the one reacting in anger. Not them. I am the one that is letting that one situation, or many, ruin my whole day because of my reaction.
I am not suggesting you throw yourself back in the mix. Far from it. But maybe take a step back and look at your own participation.
Your father may be abusive, your mother an enabler, your sister a drama queen and brother with his head in the sand. All these things can and may be true.
But what does it say if you are letting these people, who you loath so much, get you to react with so much fury?
I am responsible for my anger and what I do with it. I am responsible for letting those feelings not only create the resentment but also to hang on to it.
This is something I am working on myself and the resentments I have for my mother. A couple of months ago I would have jumped on a post like this and added many story comparisons and capitals letters to enhance my point.
I have learned that not only can I not guess or assume what is in anothers mind I cannot wish or hope they will act different or one day , if I stay away long enough, that I can deal with the type of person they are. They are not going to change. I had to change. I had to let go of that anger and resentment. I had to come to a point and honestly admit that I have played a part in keeping all that hate, anger and resentment alive. I had to take responsibility for allowing it to pollute other relationships.
The only thing I can control is how I react. If the minute my mother does something that makes me angry and I let it make me angry, then I am the one reacting in anger. Not them. I am the one that is letting that one situation, or many, ruin my whole day because of my reaction.
I am not suggesting you throw yourself back in the mix. Far from it. But maybe take a step back and look at your own participation.
Your father may be abusive, your mother an enabler, your sister a drama queen and brother with his head in the sand. All these things can and may be true.
But what does it say if you are letting these people, who you loath so much, get you to react with so much fury?
I am responsible for my anger and what I do with it. I am responsible for letting those feelings not only create the resentment but also to hang on to it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Good points GracieLou. I feel PeaceInYoga's pain and resentment as well because Im smack dab in the middle of my own. It's true that the minute we let "them" anger us, they are in control. That's something I'm working on. Thanks for the reminder.
PeaceInYoga ( love your username, btw), I relate to so much of your story, even though I'm the addict in the family. Because of my family dysfunction, I've had to "disengage". When a therapist told me once " you are an adult survivor of domestic abuse", I knew I had a lot of work to do. You need to protect yourself first and foremost....whatever it takes. Set your boundaries and stick to them. There is no shame in that.
PeaceInYoga ( love your username, btw), I relate to so much of your story, even though I'm the addict in the family. Because of my family dysfunction, I've had to "disengage". When a therapist told me once " you are an adult survivor of domestic abuse", I knew I had a lot of work to do. You need to protect yourself first and foremost....whatever it takes. Set your boundaries and stick to them. There is no shame in that.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
PIY, what a moving and inspiring post. You sound like the only one who has got out of that madness intact, and I admire your strength of character. You have a long journey ahead but I'm sure you will travel well.
Your father sounds like he may be suffering from a lifetime's alcohol abuse. Is he getting worse? Maybe dementia? I can't believe a father would speak to his daughter and threaten her that way. Your mother seems to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Don't let them drag you in again.
I can imagine the fury they are feeling to think you've stepped away from the mess.
Your father sounds like he may be suffering from a lifetime's alcohol abuse. Is he getting worse? Maybe dementia? I can't believe a father would speak to his daughter and threaten her that way. Your mother seems to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Don't let them drag you in again.
I can imagine the fury they are feeling to think you've stepped away from the mess.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 105
I'm sorry anyone has to go through things like you describe. Have you thought about putting some physical distance between you and the family? Moving to a different state?
It sounds like a tornado that you get sucked into whenever you are near them.
It sounds like a tornado that you get sucked into whenever you are near them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 14
I have taken a step back and have looked at how I've played a role in the arguments and yes, I am angry but I am working on changing that. I hate the way I used to react to fighting and I am learning it's because that is all I have ever known. We resolved things with anger and violence and threats.
In December my mom says, "It really hurts my feelings when you say we smoke too much." So I promised her I would never say anything about smoking cigs again...puff away and I have held true to that promise. I will not fight. I am tired. I am exhausted. My body cannot physically take anymore stress from this. The last three months when I had minimal contact...I gained weight, stopped having migraines.
I am the first one to admit...I am NOT PERFECT. I have my flaws, many. But those are my issues that I am working on so that I can build healthy adult relationships. Not ones that are built on anger and resentment.
I have been and will continue to work on the anger...I want to let it go. I want to be able to forgive them for not knowing how to show love. I don't doubt for one minute that they love me...but they don't know how to love me. One day, if I continue to do the work and change myself that maybe I can inspire them to want to change and finally build a healthy adult relationship with my family.
In December my mom says, "It really hurts my feelings when you say we smoke too much." So I promised her I would never say anything about smoking cigs again...puff away and I have held true to that promise. I will not fight. I am tired. I am exhausted. My body cannot physically take anymore stress from this. The last three months when I had minimal contact...I gained weight, stopped having migraines.
I am the first one to admit...I am NOT PERFECT. I have my flaws, many. But those are my issues that I am working on so that I can build healthy adult relationships. Not ones that are built on anger and resentment.
I have been and will continue to work on the anger...I want to let it go. I want to be able to forgive them for not knowing how to show love. I don't doubt for one minute that they love me...but they don't know how to love me. One day, if I continue to do the work and change myself that maybe I can inspire them to want to change and finally build a healthy adult relationship with my family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by PeaceInYoga
I have been and will continue to work on the anger...I want to let it go.
It is so hard somedays, but I do feel it getting easier.
I am learning the second I feel that twinge of anger I stop and re-think and not let it ruin my day. I cannot change what others do or try and assume I know why they do things. I can only control how I react to it.
Originally Posted by PeaceInYoga
I want to be able to forgive them for not knowing how to show love.
I drove myself a little crazy at times thinking why my mother did this or that and in the end, it does not matter. It is not only impossible for me to read her mind...AS TINY AND VICIOUS AS IT IS...I am kidding.
I have no clue what makes her tick and to be honest it is none of my business. When I look at the fact that in reality I have no right to assume what she is thinking and I have no right to base my reactions on what I THINK she is thinking then it pretty much seemed silly for me to continue to do that.
If you think about it. That is what they are also doing to you. They assume this, that and the other thing and are basing their reactions to what they think you think...Sound kinda like a circle huh?
Originally Posted by PeaceInYoga
I don't doubt for one minute that they love me.
Originally Posted by PeaceInYoga
One day, if I continue to do the work and change myself that maybe I can inspire them to want to change and finally build a healthy adult relationship with my family.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by PeaceInYoga
..what kind of "father" talks that way and elaborates on wanting to cause physical harm.
I kind of equate addiction as a state of "un-love" of ourselves and those around us. It is only when we can get beyond the addiction that we can access love for ourselves and others...true love..not attachment and possession.
It's in there..but addiction blinds us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 34
My husband has dealt with continual verbal abuse by his father (although he doesn't drink anymore). We relate visits with his father as visits with a dog that continually bites you, you know it's going to happen you just don't know when.... He made the decision after counseling that he did not want to subject himself to that any longer. That decision also means that he won't see his mother. He tries to continue relationships with his siblings. Either way he was burdened with guilt. But at least this is on his terms. Surround yourself with people who love unconditionally. They are your true family!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
