transformyself

Here I am again, up late writing which gives me an intimate look into the world of AH when we're all asleep. It's horrifying.

I have to get out of here, or somehow force AH to leave. My youngest keeps asking me when we're going to move out. My former business partner emptied the bank account last July after I told her I was leaving the business. Locked me out of my website (we owned a trade journal) and I don't have the $2500 to haul her into court and hold her responsible for stealing everything from me.

So, I got out of that NPD business partnership, but have been relying on my freelance work, which is nothing.

I am starting a new little business in two weeks. Cigar box purses. And selling them at shows and festivals. I think I can make enough money that a way to move the hell out.

In the meantime, I finally found the name and phone number for the attorney who helped me file 4 years ago. She told me when I withdrew the petition (after I filed AH wanted to come home so I let him LOL) that I needed to keep the documents. "He's an A Transform," she told me, "you'll want to divorce him eventually."

I know from that experience that the courts will give me $800 monthly for both boys. Yes, I have some fear about filing and having to deal with him, but nothing is as bad as staying. I even bought a huge tent last month thinking the kids and I could live in that! I'm desperate all right.

So now I"m in this bizarre space where I know I'm done- you know all those "how do you know when you're done?" posts? You'll know friends, it will not be a confusing situation-- and am utterly reliant on him for finances.

Oh, our power was shut off a month ago, and our sons baritone was repoed the day he was suppose to play in a concert. So yeah, AH isn't doing too good of a job providing for us. And I've told him in the last few days that we're not willing to be exposed to his A drinking anymore. Not sure why I even did that, desperation I think. Also, I feel its' an important part of me leaving -- clearly stating my boundaries. Now, in the morning, I can explain that he's still drinking (my god that's hilarious) so either he leaves or I do with the kids.

He's on vacation this week. I anticipate binge drinking that quite frankly could kill him. He's so saturated constantly. It's disgusting.

But when I think about living alone iwth my kids I feel joyous. I can see it, I know the relief that's coming. I've been there and foolishly let him move in because he was paying for everything anyway and, you know, he said he wasn't going to drink.

BWA ha ha haha ha ha ha:rotfxko

Ah, that was good. Thanks for the laugh. So yeah. Moving into over drive for now.

My middle son has to go to summer school, so I can't bail from out city and move to the country like I want. Although we register him tomorrow, maybe he only has class a few days a week. Poor guy. And we just got two cars up and running, so I will let AH pick the one he wants and he'll be on his own.

I have really enjoyed reading the threads here about the freedom one experiences when finally leaving. I left AH four years ago and it was indeed like true freedom. I know what's waiting for me and literally get butterflies when I think about it.

It's better than the dread and anxiety from living with that guy, I can tell you that.

Thanks for listening. Believe it or not, I was pretty upset when I started typing. Now I feel determined. Hopeful.

transformyself

I also have a question; although it's more of a statement.

I sometimes wonder if I should tell AH about how badly our youngest son wants to move away from him. But I think I won't. Because doing so would just open up my son to a line of questioning/denying/blaming from AH. It won't further the goal of getting us away from him and in a healthier place.

I am calling counselors tomorrow, hope to find one that will take our insurance.

PippiLngstockng

Hi transform,

Bravo for getting clarity. Sometimes it just comes to us. And feels great.

Keep going with that. I think it important that you make some clear decisions for yourself and the children. Do you want to stay where you are? Then tell him to move out, if you can do so safely. Choose the car that you want. Take whatever decisive moves you can. An A can be pretty foggy. I know I kept waiting for my A's fog to lift so we would be okay. Then I learned his was thickening. So It is doubly important to see and act clearly. It will come if you keep moving forward!

And forget talking about your son's feelings. Maybe one day your son will tell his father himself. In the meantime, no use reasoning with an A. Save your strength for getting your own life back!

Courage!

dandylion

Dear transformyself, I just want to tell you that I have been "up against it" my self raising my 3 children--and at certain other times in my life. Ironically, I have been at the top (financially) and I have been on the bottom. I can't explain it---but, I have pulled through every single time! When I couldn't see a solution--a solution came. Perhaps because I am as tenacious as a barniclel--or, maybe 'cause I am willing to think out of the box (I am from West Virginia--and mountain women are tough).

I know this--that when there are no other options, you make it work. Courage comes when there are no other options. Again, I can't explain it---but, I have experienced it.

What about filing for divorce and gettting the court to grant temporary seperation agreement (I am not a lawyer--but, Lexie is) with you occupying the house and ch ild support? Get everything that social services can grant--food stamps, income assistance, etc. Learn where the food banks are and emergency relief from the churches. What can you sell? When he is out--get a trustworthy female to rent a room, temporarily. Obviously, I am just spitballing--these are all stop-gap suggestions that I or others have used. Call the DV center and talk to them---they always have a wealth of resources (and knowledge) at their fingertips---milk their brains!

Never forget that your greatest resource is within yourself. Your kids are watching your attitude. They will take their attitude from you---this is very important.

We are walking beside you.

dandylion

ShootingStar1

Transformyself, you have given yourself exactly the name you need! And you will live up to it, I am sure.

Social services and assistance exist for just the situation you are in. I agree with Dandylion, reach out to every resource you can find. Domestic violence is a great place to start.

If you could go to the country, and have a place to stay, you could look into having your son enroll in summer school there. It might be worth talking to the school - if they understand the situation with your son's father at home, they may be more than willing to help. I would guess that the music department might find an instrument for your son to borrow, that kind of thing.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you, back this evening to cheer you on!

ShootingStar1

transformyself

Oh thanks everyone. Yes, Mountain Women are TOUGH.

I got up late as I was up writing till 5 and being mumbled at under AH's breath. At one point I went outside to get away from him and he followed me laughing. I yelled at him to get away from me in the yard at 4am. I am living in madness, and so are my kids.

Now he's home from the grocery store, with treats for everyone and asking if I "have a moment to step outside."

I think I won't say anything except, "we're not going to be exposed to your alcoholic drinking anymore. That's the only thing that matters."

dandylion

transform--I agree. You get nowhere trying to debate anything with an active alcoholic. Mustering as much detachments from his comments and ramblings would be the best bet, at this point. Also, less conflict for the children to witness. You only have to state or announce boundries as much as you think necessary---but, boundries are for you and you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

dandylion

AnvilheadII

---

dandylion

dandylion

LaTeeDa

You can say, or not say, anything you like. Just like when he says he's not going to drink. It's the actions that matter, not the words.

It seems you've been staying with him for years now "because of the money." There is not a state in the US where a father doesn't have to provide support for his children in the event of a divorce. What is the real reason you haven't left him yet?

L

transformyself

Well the conversation was about kids and finances. The hours of the day when he can have reasonable conversations are fewer and fewer so I'm glad we got this out of the way early on.

Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. I'm weary for sure. I left voicemails for both my old attorney (found her!) and the counselor that was suggested to me by a good friend for the kids and I.

Today has one of my brutal pain days and I've spent a good amount of time on the couch. The kids and I have had a blast actually. I'm so glad they're home for vacation, have really been looking forward to being able to spend more time together.

I'm a chronic pain patient and my condition has been progressing for the past few years. I'm applying for disability, at the behest of my shrink I last saw. "You are definitely impaired to the point to get SS," she said when we were discussing my PTSD. I wasn't sure how to take that. lol

LTD- good to see you too!

LaTeeDa

I'm glad to hear you are applying for disability. That should help with the money issues. I just can't help but think there is more to it than money. Personally, I would rather flip burgers at McD's or round up carts at Walmart than deal with an insane alcoholic. And I also believe that searching deeply for the real reason you stay will ultimately lead to success in overcoming it.

Best wishes to you,
L

transformyself

Thanks LTD-

I can relate about the "rather work at McDonalds" part. I've got the same feelings towards and boundaries with folks who barge into the conversation and insert controlling judgments, accusations and ridicule.

When I've given into my Codie disease and behaved that way, it only embarrasses me later, but more importantly, it isolates me from my higher power.

I start to actually believe I know what's good for others instead of walking my path and taking care of myself, which is where I find my true power. although there is an initial rush of power that goes along with dishing out unasked for, judgmental advice, it's not authentic power.

I'd rather take the risk of learning to keep my judgment and advice to myself (cause that in and of itself can be pretty hard) so I can find out what compels me to be so bossy. Digging that **** out has healed me in so many ways.

The only thing I have control over, the only work I need to do, is on myself. Just me. The energy I put into it comes back ten fold, easily. So much more rewarding, and better for the Universe as well.

Wishing you the best too. I sure you'll sort it all out eventually, you've been here a good long time!

BlueSkies1

Dandylion, now I have this visual of you as Renée Zellweger in Cold Mountain stuck in my head!

wicked

I am a chronic pain patient too. Add PTSD to that, and it kind of limits the working at McDonalds gig. If a tray of silverware happens to drop while I am in a restaurant, I want to jump out of my skin.
Walking on concrete floors with arthritis and osteoarthritis actually worsens the condition, (the arthritis) and makes sleep impossible. The ache is so deep it wakes me up from a sleep when I have used a light sleep aid.
(I am afraid to try anything stronger because of the fear of addiction.)
Not sleeping aggravates an already hair trigger PTSD condition, and can make a person react without thinking when we need to calm down and think first.

transformyself,

Use your precious energy to get state support, whether it is for food or housing.
Document all your medical problems for your case with social security disability.
My experience with this state has been good.
It will take 30 days unless you say it is an emergency, and it is with children you can have food stamps in 10 days or less.
Housing of course is more difficult, and takes longer.

I am with Pippi Longstocking on the fact he will get foggier as long as he drinks.
It will not get better and it is making you crazy.
Breathe in and breathe out.
Big deeeeeep breaths.
Then, call the Department of Human Services.
You can fill it out online, and tell them you have no transportation.
They have to interview you on the phone.
You can do this, do not let his fogginess, send you spinning.
Stand still, remember your strength, you can do anything for your boys.

Keep doing the next right thing.

Beth

(It worked for me )

transformyself

Oh thank you Wicked. You're so smart.

Today the pain is a little better, although I did just have a conversation with AH that went like this:
Me: Why are you running around raging again? Can you please stop? It's hard to deal with.
AH: Well, why don't you ask me what's wrong and how can I help? I can't clean this whole house by myself you know.
Me: I think the honest answer is because of how you treat me, the drinking and negativity and blaming me. Yeah, that's why. I'm afraid of you and just want you to stop running around the house muttering frantically.
AH: Oh that's right, you're abused. Why don't you move out?
Me: I think you should move out, you're the one with all the issues.
AH: Ok I WILL

Now I know he won't actually leave, which is fine. I'm in less pain and can work on my little cigar box purses. We're actually registering a second vehicle today too, so I can take off with the kids!! I'm taking them to the lake, packing some food. Buh bye raging drunky man. Buh bye.

transformyself

Also it's not many folks who get this:
because all of those things really set my central nervous system on fire as well. Takes days sometimes to recover. Lovely

dandylion

BlueSkies1--Wow--Rene Zelwegger in Cold Mountain!! You know, that is the most flattering thing that anyone has ever said to me! I was mezmerized by her performance in that movie and she is one of my favorite actresses---haven't seen enough of her lately.

I suppose certain aspects are probably true, though. Actually I was born in the deep mountains, in West Virginia, in a cabin reminescent of Cold Mountain---no electricity, no running water (no plumbing); raised most all of our food by the land; the animals were my playmates; nature was my earliest classroom; washed the clothes down by the creek; visited the neighbors on Sunday. It was my grandmother's place. It was the most content and happiest time. Often I hoed corn all day...or potatoes. Could put a decent meal on the table by 8yrs. of age.

At school-age I was educated in the city, but spent every summer and holiday, thereafter, in the country with my grandmother. Like Rene, I can bring forth the toughness if it becomes necessary and I have a wicked sense of humor. Both of these characteristics have saved me during difficult times.

Otherwise, I am as gentle as a kitten. I swear.

Thanks, to any of you patient enough to go on this little bio with me---I am sorry to side track transformme's thread. My head is fairly spinning from the flattering comment from Blueskies!!

dandylion

LaTeeDa

So sorry you're still stuck after what, five or six years now? I so hate it when I offer ESH and some think I am telling them what to do. Just sharing what worked for me. Take it or leave it. It's true I've been here a long time. This board literally saved my life and I feel a need to try and give back. I'll try to remember to give to people who actually want ESH. I've found my serenity and I have SR to thank for a big part of that. Peace. Here's some serenity for you from my recent trip to Silver Falls State Park in Oregon.

transformyself

Dandlion! Wow!
You are amazing and my new hero! Love love this. I have seriously been trying to figure out how to run away to the mountains and raise goats. When i can escape the city I live in, and go out and camp at my sisters in the middle of nowhere, the kids and I all come back much happier, centered and more calm.

Thank you for sharing