A bit of a sad note
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
A bit of a sad note
It was an interesting evening. AH did fix a fantastic meal, but was well on his way by the time it was served. His latest ploy has been to have "family discussions" at the table. Our daughter and I usually dread these events because, saying the wrong think usually sets him off. Last night, the topic was gun control, and I stayed in the discussion, so our daughter could escape to her room and work on an assignment. Tonight, it was about sustainable energy. Now this wouldn't be awful, if he could speak intelligently on the subjects, or if we weren't waiting for the other shoe to drop.
After he was out on his chair, I went outside to read, and my daughter joined me. Her comment was, "Well that wasn't too bad tonight" (meaning there was no terrible upset). The comment made me very unhappy, and I told her that I hoped that she didn't think that that this was how she should expect her life to be when she is older and meets someone. I told her that she deserves better than "not too bad", that she deserves awesome (yea, I can hear everyone saying that I deserve it as well
)
I did take that moment to talk to her about alateen, and we looked up an online chapter as well. Yesterday, I called a good friend who is the counselor at my daughter's high school, and told her that my daughter might be asking to see her professionally. After talking to my DD about it, she thought it might be a good thing. I left it in her hands, but she knows that support is available if she needs it.
Now I just have to get support for me. I missed the online alanon meeting that was scheduled for tonight, but they have one every Tuesday and Thursday. The problem is that it is scheduled for 7 pm my time and by then AH has already gone over to the dark side. When that happens, I have to wait until his is out (passed out).
I am feeling a bit morose; hoping tomorrow will be better. I have homework to do and it is difficult to concentrate when I am gloomy.
Thanks for listening (?)(reading)
After he was out on his chair, I went outside to read, and my daughter joined me. Her comment was, "Well that wasn't too bad tonight" (meaning there was no terrible upset). The comment made me very unhappy, and I told her that I hoped that she didn't think that that this was how she should expect her life to be when she is older and meets someone. I told her that she deserves better than "not too bad", that she deserves awesome (yea, I can hear everyone saying that I deserve it as well
)I did take that moment to talk to her about alateen, and we looked up an online chapter as well. Yesterday, I called a good friend who is the counselor at my daughter's high school, and told her that my daughter might be asking to see her professionally. After talking to my DD about it, she thought it might be a good thing. I left it in her hands, but she knows that support is available if she needs it.
Now I just have to get support for me. I missed the online alanon meeting that was scheduled for tonight, but they have one every Tuesday and Thursday. The problem is that it is scheduled for 7 pm my time and by then AH has already gone over to the dark side. When that happens, I have to wait until his is out (passed out).
I am feeling a bit morose; hoping tomorrow will be better. I have homework to do and it is difficult to concentrate when I am gloomy.
Thanks for listening (?)(reading)
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you for providing the support for your daughter, but I kindly suggest that YOU need the same. The fact that he is unpleasant in the evening is all the more reason for you to find a meeting OUT of the house so you can get at least an hour or so of peaceful time for YOU.
Not only would you be doing something good for yourself, you would be setting a good example of self-care for your daughter.
If you think he would go ballistic knowing where you were going, you could say you are meeting friends (true), or that it is a book discussion group (also true--literature study is a big part of many groups). You need this. Unless you fear he will be physically abusive (in which case you have a whole separate issue to contend with), you may just have to matter-of-factly go and let him sulk or be mad.
Not only would you be doing something good for yourself, you would be setting a good example of self-care for your daughter.
If you think he would go ballistic knowing where you were going, you could say you are meeting friends (true), or that it is a book discussion group (also true--literature study is a big part of many groups). You need this. Unless you fear he will be physically abusive (in which case you have a whole separate issue to contend with), you may just have to matter-of-factly go and let him sulk or be mad.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I'm so sorry! It sounds like an extraordinarily depressing way for you and your daughter to live--and I'm glad you are encouraging your daughter to seek help.
Please know that there is that help for you, too! I hope today is better...or at least the after dinner lecture topic is more amusing
Please know that there is that help for you, too! I hope today is better...or at least the after dinner lecture topic is more amusing
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Thank you, everyone for the suppotave words and wishes. Yesterday, I was running on very little sleep; and you know, I seemed to be less tolerant of anyone's garbage. It must have been obvious, because everyone that I spoke with was extremely careful when they spoke to me. I guess it was my turn to make everyone walk on eggshells. Or were they just observing my boundaries for a change?
Today started out great, and my H didn't even start his routine until after 4 pm so it was looking good. But... we enjoyed a bottle of nice wine for a change ( as opposed to the usual box o wine), and when he suggested to our daughter that she learn about wine and beer, she was obviously turned off. Wow. The defensiveness reared its ugly head, and we both got an earful. Now the plans for the future that H and I wew discussing seem pretty insignificant.
On top of all this today, my daughter "came out" to me today. She told me that she is "Pansexual", which I learned means that she is open to any gender. I suggested that she wait to tell her dad as he is a bit homophobic. Not ready for that discussion yet! Maybe when she gets to college.
Today started out great, and my H didn't even start his routine until after 4 pm so it was looking good. But... we enjoyed a bottle of nice wine for a change ( as opposed to the usual box o wine), and when he suggested to our daughter that she learn about wine and beer, she was obviously turned off. Wow. The defensiveness reared its ugly head, and we both got an earful. Now the plans for the future that H and I wew discussing seem pretty insignificant.
On top of all this today, my daughter "came out" to me today. She told me that she is "Pansexual", which I learned means that she is open to any gender. I suggested that she wait to tell her dad as he is a bit homophobic. Not ready for that discussion yet! Maybe when she gets to college.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My then-teenaged son "came out" to his dad and me several years ago (as "bi"). His dad is far from homophobic, but I'd say he was, um, concerned--I guess the way many parents are concerned that their kids will grow up and be OK.
Anyway, that was the last we ever heard of it. He's had quite a few girlfriends, but no boyfriends that I've ever heard about. Possibly there was some experimentation that happened somewhere along the way, or thoughts about it. Or maybe he keeps that part of his life private--though he's pretty open about his life.
I guess my point is that given the way her dad is, unless and until it becomes an issue he needs to know about, probably discretion is the better part of valor. He might wind up making her feel terrible about herself. And by the time she is a little older she may feel differently (or maybe not--but hopefully she will be mature enough by then to feel secure in herself regardless of dad's reaction).
Anyway, that was the last we ever heard of it. He's had quite a few girlfriends, but no boyfriends that I've ever heard about. Possibly there was some experimentation that happened somewhere along the way, or thoughts about it. Or maybe he keeps that part of his life private--though he's pretty open about his life.
I guess my point is that given the way her dad is, unless and until it becomes an issue he needs to know about, probably discretion is the better part of valor. He might wind up making her feel terrible about herself. And by the time she is a little older she may feel differently (or maybe not--but hopefully she will be mature enough by then to feel secure in herself regardless of dad's reaction).
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
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I have to say that I was not terribly surprised when she told me about this due to her many comments this past year. But I don't think that my H can see her as a sexual being in any manner. At 16, she is hi "baby girl" and I don't think that will change until she goes off to college.
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