lillamy

to my state of mind.

I'm hard-core digging through the skeletons in my closet (spring cleaning!) in therapy and unearthing Codie and other stuff at warp speed.

I know that's why. And as I do, my emotions are returning. And while I know it's healthy, I'm not used to having to deal with emotions (insert whining noise here). I used to be so damn good at keeping my emotions locked up and compartmentalize and chug up the hills like the little engine that could...

... And now when I least expect it, I get sidetracked by tears and anxiety attacks for no apparent reason. Yesterday I was fine and dandy, today I'm wishing for anti anxiety drugs.

I'm thinking I'm going through something similar to what As go through when they get sober and no longer have their DOC to dull the pain. Feelings are effing difficult. It doesn't feel good to be in pain! LOL

So I try to think of it as the rehab I went through after knee surgery: It may hurt like a mofo but its necessary to get functional again. We're hard-wired to avoid pain but sometimes it's necessary.

I don't have to like it but I do find it's easier if I think about it that way. I just wish you could get some warning, you know? Like your brain texting you: "Hey babe - at around 10 am today, I'm going to have scheduled maintenance and you won't be able to use your usual coping strategies . You may experience excessive sadness for about 35 minutes but things should be rebooted and back to normal at around 10:45 by the latest. Apologize for the inconvenience; have a good day."

fourmaggie

if it was really all the easy....

but i hear ya!

dandylion

lillamy.....yeah, I hear you........sigh!

Cute Post. I hear the feeling behind it, though. Sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do, and it hurts like a "mofo" while it is going on.

Talk to you on the other side of the excavation site!!!

dandylion

Katiekate

“There's no coming to consciousness without pain.”
― C.G. Jung

ugggggggg

Sending hugs, Katie

pixilation

Yep, same here. Well, usually my anxiety attack happens because of something, I've only had them come out of the blue a few times. Like hearing ex's voice, having a dream/nightmare about ex, someone knocking on my door in the middle of the night, those sorts of things.

I can calm myself down quicker than I used to though, thankfully. But, I'm doing it without therapy(yes, I know I should go, but finding the time isn't that easy)

LexieCat

Yeah, the feeling emotions bit was the hardest thing for me about getting sober. It probably helped a little that I only drank at alcoholic levels for the last 10 years or so before I got sober. I can't even imagine what it must be like for someone who has never learned to deal with emotions sober.

When I first got sober I didn't especially want to DRINK to numb out the feelings, but I sure wanted them to go AWAY already.

This too shall pass, Lillamy.

Oh, and yeah, it WOULD be nice if our brains would let us know when there is a scheduled meltdown coming up.

Tuffgirl

Thank goodness its only temporary, right?!

I applaud you for facing things head on. The only way through hell is through...

It will get better!

Florence

My T used to say that the only way to deal with pain was to go through it, and that on the other side was the life you're supposed to have. Feel those feelings!

lillamy

I have a Buddhist friend who said he tries to see his feelings like this:

You're sitting at a street cafe in Paris, sipping a cafe latte and a tall glass of water.
Your feelings are just people coming in and out of the cafe.
Some of them, you see, and you go "Oh don't come sit close to me don't come sit close to me don't come sit close to me" and then they do and you just have to wait for them to leave. Some of them you go "oooh, that one I like, it could come sit at my table..." and they do and then they leave.

If you can view your feelings like that -- as temporary visitors rather than something that Defines And Rules You, they become a lot less scary.

So I'm remembering that too.

Onwards and upwards in this divine Alaska summer (it's gonna be 86 next week, TG! Better stock up on ice now and maybe stay armed -- you know how Alaskans get when it's over 75... )

wicked

good god, I hope it is nothing like that reality show they put on about alaska state troopers.

I had a friend who just loved it up there. she loved all of it, the weather, the beauty, the miles and miles of nothingness. But she lived in or near Juneau, and just visited the nothingness.
Said she could not do the "out in the wilderness" bit. But loved a good deer chili.

lillamy,
I love the idea of emotions as people passing by the cafe.
some are good, some not so good, some stay longer than wanted, some, not long enough.
but, in the end, there I am sitting there sipping my latte.
And, I am okay.

thank you and I appreciate it.

Beth

What does happen in Alaska when it gets over 86?

LifeRecovery

I have posted this before, but in the turbulent times of first feeling my emotions it really got me through. It helped to normalize emotions for me and to see them as a part of my world.

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~Rumi

lillamy

Beth,

I've lived in Juneau, which has measurable precipitation about 486 days of the year. I'm only exaggerating slightly. Usually, every year, we'd get two weeks of complete and utter gorgeousness. 73 degrees, calm, not a cloud in the sky (horseflies keeping you humble) but there's not many places on earth more beautiful on days like those. Except people go a little crazy. See, when you get two weeks a year of decent weather -- you don't cook, clean, or do laundry during those weeks. Hell to the no. So people start going a little nuts after a while. I witnessed two guys having a fistfight over a parking spot outside the downtown grocery store. And given that the most you'd have to walk from ANY parking spot to the store doors was 30 yards... yeah. Looniness.

Alaskans tend to either become like newly infatuated teenagers, living in total la-la land, or incredibly irritable when the weather gets hot. It's also a fact that aging people tend to die during heatwaves (and 86 in Anchorage would definitely qualify as a heat wave). I guess when you're living in a freezer 8 months out of the year, you don't tolerate heat well. Me? I love it. Love. Every. Second. (Martha Stewart would have a heart attack if she saw my house right now though. I've let it go to the dogs and spent all possible time outside for two weeks)...

m1k3

Lillamy, this emotion thing sure is a pain. What has worked real well for me is I get up and journal 1st thing in the morning. It really helps putting your feelings on paper. For me it make them real and it also makes them less scary.

It really worked well when I was dealing with all the bad feelings I had swallowed over the years. The funny thing is I have dug the journal out again, not because of bed feelings but because of good ones.

It seems I swallowed my good feelings as well. The journaling now is great because it has let me really start to examine how I deal with good emotions and it sounds funny but give myself permission to feel them. I was having anxiety because I felt good. I mean how weird is that.

What I have also discovered is that what I thought was feeling good was more or less not feeling much of anything. Now I know what it is like to feel good.

I really liked the cafe metaphor. I was taught to think of my emotions as clouds in the sky floating past, but based on where you live that might not be a good one for you to use.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

I love the analogies on this thread. But I have to admit its not easy to not react to those emotions sometimes! I am getting better at it, though.

Yes, it is HOT here right now. My house heats up quickly too - we tend to live on the deck as much as possible in the evenings because its too hot inside. And driving with no AC - blech! No fun!

But it is oh-so-beautiful out, and does wonders for my emotions (since we are talking about them) to be able to bask in the sunshine and beauty here. Too bad not everyone has that same perspective...the heat makes Alaskans cranky. Funny, so does the deep winter and below-zero temps, and the height of break-up season. Maybe Alaskans are just cranky people in general.

wicked

Well, the only Alaskans I have known, are my friend (who was not born there, but lived there with her ex) and the ones on Sober Recovery.

I love them all. Different perspectives and different personalities aside, to me the one thing that binds the Alaskan women I know is strength.

I identify with that.

Beth

Tuffgirl

Wow Beth, what a compliment! Thank you from this Alaskan lady!

I was watching the new Nat Geo show "Life Below Zero" and one woman who lives by herself at a camp just below Barrow, Alaska (at the top of the state, on the Arctic Ocean, for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about!) for a good 7 months out of the year talks about the differences between her life and those of us who live in society. She said it was easier for her to understand her life, which consists of survival in a hostile environment, and a big part of that is understanding her place in the food chain. Meaning her biggest threat is predators wanting to eat her for breakfast!

For me - when I put my life in that perspective, all the little dramas and problems seem so insignificant. Just a blip on the screen of my life, ya know?

For me, having strength means pressing on with a good attitude toward it all in spite of life's curveballs. One of which is preventing myself from becoming some animal's breakfast.

fourmaggie

yep

this too shall pass!!

lillamy

LOL yup, that puts it all in perspective doesn't it? I've restarted a habit of reminding myself of five things I'm grateful for every night before I fall asleep. Now I can add "I did not become a bear's dinner today!" Haha! (It's all about perspective!)

Thank you, Beth, for the vote of confidence. I can tell you AXH was kind of confused the first time someone complimented him on how good his wife was at shoveling the driveway. He thought they were insulting him(having driven by at five am and seen me out there, not him). But no, it was sincere admiration. Forget looks and sexy outfits - what you need is a woman who can handle a shovel, a shotgun, and a chainsaw!

It will pass. I know. Nobody ever died from being uncomfortable. I know that. I don't have to like it, though!

Seren

So...when can we go to this cafe in Paris?????

I'm sorry about the emotional badminton game, and hope that things settle to a new normal for you soon! (just had to throw in one more anaolgy--albeit a pretty lame one )

outonalimb

Lillamy....
I can relate to the emotional rollercoaster (I'm sure everyone here can!)....

It all seemed to start with me once the exah was out of my house and out of my life on a daily basis. I did a pretty good job of keeping my anxiety and emotions in check while he was here but once he was gone, it was like the floodgates opened. I started to have severe panic attacks out of the blue. I prayed that my HP would remove my anxiety and fear but prayer and meditation just weren't enough. I finally broke down and sought help. I was diagnosed with a panic disorder. Now I'm on anti anxiety and AD meds, my life has improved dramatically. As my dr. explained it to me, it's a chemical thing in the brain...not anything I can fix on my own. My brain needs to re-learn that the world is a safe place and the chemicals need time to return to "normal".

You said that you are in therapy and I am glad. If you find that the emotions and anxiety are interfering with your daily life, don't be too proud to consider medication. I was too proud and I suffered for a long time needlessly.

Hugs...and support....and encouragement....

Mary