Mizzuno

I am having an extremely hard time forgiving myself from my last drinking episode. The experience floats around in my head everyday. I can be doing something that is completely engaging and then I am hit by a ton of bricks with shame, embarrassment, and this feeling that I need to bury myself in a dark hole and never resurface again.
I have managed to pull my life back together over the last 3 months. It was not what it was, but my life is on a different course, and is mentally healthier now that I am sober.
What is this? How do I truly forgive myself? My last drinking situation caused some real internal damage that I have never felt before. In time right?

Anna

It's very hard to forgive yourself. I could easily forgive other people, but not myself. I really struggled with this issue. I found that forgiveness didn't happen all at once for me. It happened in small bits and I had to work on it many times. One of the things that helped me a lot was to understand that I was NOT so special that I couldn't be forgiven. The sneaky ego was still at work in my head convincing me that my sins were unforgiveable, unlike other peoples.

I found journaling really helpful, especially when I was bombarded as you said you are with these negative emotions. I started to write everything down, every angry word I felt about myself. It took many months of writing for me to get rid of all the negativity. At that point, I burned the journal symbolizing my freedom.

ScottFromWI

Time heals wounds for sure. But also remember that no matter what happened, it happened and you can't change it. It's much more important to be vigilant going forward to prevent further "episodes" than to rationalize or forgive things that already happened.

FeenixxRising

Well, you can't undo the past. It happened, but the episode lasted how long? A few hours of your entire life? I assume you're referring to the airplane situation. Did you hurt anyone other than yourself? No one was physically injured or killed, right? I think you need to keep things in perspective. Feeling guilty or angry isn't going to help you. And you're not the first drinker who has done something to be ashamed of.

Time to just let it go. When the thought pops into your head, tell yourself that you forgive yourself. Say it out loud if you need to. Then start thinking about something else--maybe do a mental inventory of all the good things you've done since you stopped drinking.

Mizzuno

I like this idea. I think I will start to carry around my journal, and when I am feeling these emotions I can release them onto the paper. I need some relief from this. It is harder to forgive ourselves. I never want to forget what brought me to sobriety again, but I need a level of forgiveness for all of that nonsense. Thanks Anna!

Mizzuno

You all are right. Logically I know this. Emotionally is another thing. Yes, its the airplane situation. I am not the only person who has done this sort of thing. I get that. I need to tell myself that I forgive myself.... I can do this. Im not understanding my head all that much when I feel this way. Time will heal this. It has not been that long. Thank you.

FamilyMan2153

I started doing a journal in rehab. They made us answer 5 questions each day. It was good. I kept writing in the journal for the first 6 months of sobriety and I found it helpful. I have not done it in the last 3 months and maybe I should again. I honestly think that meditation has helped me the most. A good 20 minutes of quiet time with some relaxing music.

I did some terrible things when drinking and there were times when I wondered why I still have a family and my job. I should have lost them both. It took months for me to stop punishing myself. I sad thing it that everyone else forgave me and deep down the only person that can truly forgive us is ourselves. Just the fact that it bothers you that much should tell you something about yourself. You DO care. Try to take it easy on yourself and remember it takes time. Good luck.

NeedMySavior

WHen working through this myself, I came to realize it wasn't so much "forgiving myself" but receiving forgiveness from my HP. Semantics maybe, but I was so full of guilt and shame that I just couldn't seem to receive the forgiveness and be done, BUT in my belief in God and Christ, it really is offered and I just needed to receive it. I realized that it was rooted a bit in my low self-image esteem that I wasn't "worth it" but also the flip side that I was somehow "worse" than everyone else and not forgivable, which is a pride thing. Pride that I was "worse" (better than?) and pride that it's hard to be so humbled as to acknowledge what a sinner am I and I must ask for forgiveness.

Just my experience.

Mizz, you ARE worthy of forgiveness! You DO regret and are moving forward and doing better! You deserve forgiveness!

FeenixxRising

I understand completely. That's why I believe it's important to talk to oneself whenever feelings of regret and quilt creep into the mind. The discussion and thought process helps the logical mind overcome the emotional mind. In the grand scheme these types of "mistakes" are usually trivial and they often have a silver lining. For example, your airplane incident seemed to be the final straw; and became the catalyst for your current sobriety--so good came from the bad.

Soberpotamus

What a good idea! I might try this.

SnwFlower

Hi Mizz. I've been struggling with the past thing too. It's crazy how much power we give the past in our own minds when we in reality we need to let it go. It seems to always be easier said than done. Remember that you deserve to live the best life Mizz, free of guilt and shame. Recently I posted this clip on another another thread, it's a short clip from the movie "Way of the Peaceful Warrior." I'll post it again, it's a small clip talking about "taking out the trash" i.e. letting go of our past that we allow to be in the way of our present moment. TAKE OUT THE TRASH - YouTube

Mizzuno

Okay. Well, I guess what happens in my brain when this comes up, is all of the times that I knew I needed to stop drinking. I had to stop. Yet, I did not stop. Internally I was scared to death that something awful was going to transpire, that i was going to lose big time if I continued on this path. It happened. I F***** up so bad that I couldnt breath form the damage, and am still recovering. I am learning how to breath again. I am learning how to walk with all of this horrible stuff inside, that will take time to make friends with, and forgive. I do care, and maybe I care a little to0 much.
Dee and others have recommended/ suggested that I talk with a professional or see a doctor. I looked into therapy again. Ive spent so much money on a head doctor. Im a lifer. At this moment with my back situation and the financial strain I have caused, I am unable to afford another co-pay. As soon as the back situation get resolved ( next few weeks) I will be able to afford it. This is all rooted into my self worth. Yep. It sure is! Gotta love that!

Mizzuno

I remember this book from when I was a teen. I read it a few times. I never saw the movie. I just may hunt it down.
I like the present moment stuff. Nothing matters more than this moment of my typing into cyberspace to a bunch of loving strangers that have names like gremlin or longing to live. Speaking of which my name is Patricia.
I enjoyed this clip, and it all makes sense. I met a young woman the other day who was put into a medically induced coma, and with that she was also given a chemical amnesia. She has no recollection of her past, and she is angry about this. Rightfully so. I thought of this amnesia stuff, and thought to myself that I most likely would not mind having a few memories erased. I mean, they are serving me no purpose other than a painful reminder. Some of the memories are from my own behaviors, and a lot of them are from growing up with dysfunction. I can live without those ya know? Anyways, Thank you.

Hevyn

Mizz - I read the other answers and they're so good I have nothing to add. I just want to say that not forgiving myself and holding on to guilt & remorse kept me from healing and moving forward. You temporarily lost control, but you are back now! Be kind and forgiving to yourself.

quitforme79

I too still cringe sometimes when I think of what happened on my last relapse. BUT the more sober days I link consecutively together, the farther the shame is. If someone you loved did the same thing you did you probably would have long forgive them. Extend that same grace to yourself. You deserve it And another way to think about it...you will NEVER be able to go back to that day or night so in that aspect and in reality, it has no power over you. Stay where your feet are...hugs!

Soberpotamus

So true! Great point. Thinking about my mother, who was an alcoholic, and how I was waiting for the day she would get and stay sober... it never came. She's gone now. Died three years ago. I know I would have gladly forgiven her... and I know she would extend the same to me. So, this is an excellent perspective here. Thanks for this!

Acheleus

My mother said awful things to me when she was drunk and I cut all contact with her, and I will not have anything to do with her. When I would insult people when I was drunk I realized I was doing the same thing, and I have tried to move on and forgive myself, but sometimes I know there is a point when people quit putting up with drunken bs. Don't feel bad about what you did, focus on the present because that is all you have control over. What you do in the present matters, not what you did in the past. I hope you get through this Mizz. Stay strong.

Grungehead

Mizz I'm sure you know my story so I won't repeat it, but forgiving myself is a work in progress right now. Right now I have settled for "letting bygones be bygones". Resentment is a big trigger for relapse. I think not forgiving ourselves is basically holding a resentment against ourselves. We have to eventually let it go or it will eat us up inside and may lead to a drink.

DSW

Whenever I can't forgive myself, I try to remind myself that I'm human.. (I don't know who first said this)

Dan (Washington DC)

Tamerua

I am always much harder on myself than on others. My sponsor says we will work on that, I have noticed that I'm a little easier on myself than I used to be. I try not to think about the past. It is very important to leave it there until I get to the step that will drudge it up.