Pregnant AD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
Pregnant AD
The good new is that my AD hasn't been drinking, to the best of my knowledge. The not-so-good news is that she is 4 months pregnant. She is getting regular prenatal care, but is not taking her bipolar meds and her symptoms are returning. I have encouraged her to speak with her doctor about the "risk versus benefits" of going back on the meds before the baby is born.
Now the crisis has to do with her living arrangements. She is not with the baby's father and has no desire to reconnect with him. She is "friends" with a much older man who has been in recovery for 2 years. But she lives in a boarding house run by the town's housing authority, and they will not allow her to stay there after the baby is born. She said their solution to having her homeless with a baby is to put the baby in foster care. There are family members, including me, who will take the baby, so I'm not worried about foster care. What I am worried about, though, is that if she doesn't have her baby with her she will start drinking again.
She has been told that if she leaves this living arrangement before her lease is up next February (the baby is due in early November), she will lose any public assistance for herself or the baby. I'm not sure if that is true. She claims to have been looking for a job since January and has yet to have an interview. I know she isn't putting much into looking. I believe she has reasons of her own that she hasn't shared, such as being afraid her past will haunt her.
I am assuming she will ask my husband and me to take her and the baby in. This is something we can't do, for a number of reasons. The main one is that I provide day care for another grandchild and my other daughter refuses to allow her child to be in the AD's presence.
I'd appreciate any insights anyone may have. I know this is her problem and of course she could have prevented this pregnancy. She doesn't think about consequences and this has caused problems for her over and over. If it weren't for the baby, it would be a lot easier to let my AD figure it out for herself.
Thanks for reading!
Now the crisis has to do with her living arrangements. She is not with the baby's father and has no desire to reconnect with him. She is "friends" with a much older man who has been in recovery for 2 years. But she lives in a boarding house run by the town's housing authority, and they will not allow her to stay there after the baby is born. She said their solution to having her homeless with a baby is to put the baby in foster care. There are family members, including me, who will take the baby, so I'm not worried about foster care. What I am worried about, though, is that if she doesn't have her baby with her she will start drinking again.
She has been told that if she leaves this living arrangement before her lease is up next February (the baby is due in early November), she will lose any public assistance for herself or the baby. I'm not sure if that is true. She claims to have been looking for a job since January and has yet to have an interview. I know she isn't putting much into looking. I believe she has reasons of her own that she hasn't shared, such as being afraid her past will haunt her.
I am assuming she will ask my husband and me to take her and the baby in. This is something we can't do, for a number of reasons. The main one is that I provide day care for another grandchild and my other daughter refuses to allow her child to be in the AD's presence.
I'd appreciate any insights anyone may have. I know this is her problem and of course she could have prevented this pregnancy. She doesn't think about consequences and this has caused problems for her over and over. If it weren't for the baby, it would be a lot easier to let my AD figure it out for herself.
Thanks for reading!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Wow congrats on the new family member though its not under the best circumstances its a blessing in its own and that your daughter isnt drinking.
Regardless if your daughter has the baby, alcoholics who want to drink would not care and still drink with young children so perhapse its better that someone else tend for baby or atleast help with baby being vigilant.
Im not sure as far as her living arrangements and public assistance however...perhapse thats something to look into with where you are.
Once there is an innocent child involved I think the " her" problem becomes reasonably unimportant. ...as this is your grandchild. Im assuming she is a first time mother in which case her statement that shes been looking for a job (you of which dont believe is in much effort on her part)
Could be nervousness and anxiety on her part as a new mother and recovering alcoholic.
I can understand your other daughter not wanting her around her child....but maybe that can be resolved. At some point between sisters as she remains sober mending the trust she had broken.
Best luck
Regardless if your daughter has the baby, alcoholics who want to drink would not care and still drink with young children so perhapse its better that someone else tend for baby or atleast help with baby being vigilant.
Im not sure as far as her living arrangements and public assistance however...perhapse thats something to look into with where you are.
Once there is an innocent child involved I think the " her" problem becomes reasonably unimportant. ...as this is your grandchild. Im assuming she is a first time mother in which case her statement that shes been looking for a job (you of which dont believe is in much effort on her part)
Could be nervousness and anxiety on her part as a new mother and recovering alcoholic.
I can understand your other daughter not wanting her around her child....but maybe that can be resolved. At some point between sisters as she remains sober mending the trust she had broken.
Best luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
Thank you for acknowledging this innocent baby. I will be the vigilant one, as I am the only person who has stayed in touch with my daughter. I have kicked her butt when she needed it and shown compassion when she deserved it. The rest of the family is just waiting for her to fail.
This is not her first baby. She had a stillborn boy at the end of her first pregnancy (not drinking or drugging then, but had problems with eating disorder). Then she had a little girl who is now 5. She lives with her father as a result of AD's addictions when they were active. I do think my daughter sees this new baby as one who will love her unconditionally and that no one can take away. Not fair for the baby, but she knows if she screws up the baby will be taken away.
My granddaughter's father is refusing to let AD see her since he found out about the pregnancy. I'm not sure he can do that legally, but he seems to think so. That is causing a lot of depression for AD. He had gotten to the point where he was letting them be alone together for short periods of time. They were talking daily and rebuilding their bond. The only thing that changed was that he found out she is pregnant.
Addiction causes so many problems. It doesn't do any good to rehash all her mistakes. She is painfully aware of what she caused, of what she lost. It isn't as simple as "Ok, I'm better now. Give me back everything and just forget about what I did." People have been hurt and some won't forgive. I just keep encouraging her to stay on track. At this point there is little else I can do.
This is not her first baby. She had a stillborn boy at the end of her first pregnancy (not drinking or drugging then, but had problems with eating disorder). Then she had a little girl who is now 5. She lives with her father as a result of AD's addictions when they were active. I do think my daughter sees this new baby as one who will love her unconditionally and that no one can take away. Not fair for the baby, but she knows if she screws up the baby will be taken away.
My granddaughter's father is refusing to let AD see her since he found out about the pregnancy. I'm not sure he can do that legally, but he seems to think so. That is causing a lot of depression for AD. He had gotten to the point where he was letting them be alone together for short periods of time. They were talking daily and rebuilding their bond. The only thing that changed was that he found out she is pregnant.
Addiction causes so many problems. It doesn't do any good to rehash all her mistakes. She is painfully aware of what she caused, of what she lost. It isn't as simple as "Ok, I'm better now. Give me back everything and just forget about what I did." People have been hurt and some won't forgive. I just keep encouraging her to stay on track. At this point there is little else I can do.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Legally, no I have to agree that her other childs father cannot keep her away simply because she is pregnant.
In fact I would think for the benefit of the other child she be involved and made fully aware of her mothers pregnancy. ....im no child psychologist but I cant imagine how beneficial hiding a sibling pregnancy is to the sibling. Its always good for the other child to be involved and if shes sober...I dont see an. Issue.
Though he may be afraid for whatever number of reasons when it comes to the pregnancy and is trying to protect her. I think your ad should get on an emotional parental level with him and explain things...im not sure how close they are if any etc but that wouls be a good approach
Yes it does cause alot alot alot of problems.....my rah is still rebuilding trust with me and I find myself getting upset and paranoid from past issue.....its a process for sure and some people are more receptive than others. Hoping for the best and that your daughter continues through sobreity.
In fact I would think for the benefit of the other child she be involved and made fully aware of her mothers pregnancy. ....im no child psychologist but I cant imagine how beneficial hiding a sibling pregnancy is to the sibling. Its always good for the other child to be involved and if shes sober...I dont see an. Issue.
Though he may be afraid for whatever number of reasons when it comes to the pregnancy and is trying to protect her. I think your ad should get on an emotional parental level with him and explain things...im not sure how close they are if any etc but that wouls be a good approach
Yes it does cause alot alot alot of problems.....my rah is still rebuilding trust with me and I find myself getting upset and paranoid from past issue.....its a process for sure and some people are more receptive than others. Hoping for the best and that your daughter continues through sobreity.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
only God knows the outcome of this one
Originally Posted by PerhapsLove 
If it weren't for the baby, it would be a lot easier to let my AD figure it out for herself.
I understand that if was only your daughter
a little tough love can help ones to grow up
but
now we have a sweet little baby on the way
there are just about a million ways this could all go
so for now anyway
seems best to pray, support where you can and watch her decisions made
thinking that the time will come for much of your needed input
kind of early in the game and no need to worry or over plan the outcome
a little tough love can help ones to grow up
but
now we have a sweet little baby on the way
there are just about a million ways this could all go
so for now anyway
seems best to pray, support where you can and watch her decisions made
thinking that the time will come for much of your needed input
kind of early in the game and no need to worry or over plan the outcome
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
I am secretly thrilled to be having my 8th grandchild, but terrified nonetheless at the situation my daughter will bring this innocent life into. She has nothing. She lost everything in the 2 years that she was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I agree that it is wrong for my ex-son-in-law to keep their daughter away from AD, and I have told him so. AD is hesitating at this point to contact the authorities, because she feels guilty about not having a job. But she calls (or tries to) everyday. The ex won't let her talk to her daughter.
It's so sad that she wasn't able to see clearly along the way. I tried so much to prevent her from losing so much. But she was in addiction's clutches and even I couldn't make her see. I accepted that a while back, but it is still sad. I am grateful that she is apparently sober now. That shows me she cares about the baby's well-being.
Thanks so much for the support. There is still a lot of anger and mistrust in the rest of the family, and I understand and accept that. I pray that someday she can rebuild her relationships.
It's so sad that she wasn't able to see clearly along the way. I tried so much to prevent her from losing so much. But she was in addiction's clutches and even I couldn't make her see. I accepted that a while back, but it is still sad. I am grateful that she is apparently sober now. That shows me she cares about the baby's well-being.
Thanks so much for the support. There is still a lot of anger and mistrust in the rest of the family, and I understand and accept that. I pray that someday she can rebuild her relationships.
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