Jeni26

I had to accept a very harsh fact during therapy this morning....my parents just did not care.

I'm having a really hard time accepting this. All 4 of us children went on to face addiction problems, self-harm, eating disorders, difficulties forming healthy relationships with others etc etc.

They do not and will never accept their behaviour was in any way responsible for this.

How can any parent not care?! There must have been a point when they saw the effects of the violence, verbal and psychological abuse and felt something? How is this possible?

Kialua

Yeah I figured out that my parents didn't care when I was four. They never did care at all, and never did take any responsibility. We like to hope that they really did care deep down but the truth is they didn't. They are too wrapped up in their own stuff to see past their own nose.

bloss

Jeni:
It does hurt when our parents don't ever take responsibility for their actions. I feel for all of us in this situation. Good that you're tackling these things, Jeni and anyone else who is suffering from these types of life issues. I also have had to face that my alcoholic physically, mentally abusive parents will never accept or acknowledge what they did was so wrong and hurtful. So sad, but it is true and I do not want to drink over "them" ever again. Still hurts, though.

Jeni26

I guess I'm now accepting for the first time ever that this wasn't actually anything to do with me...I felt responsible for so much growing up, felt to blame for annoying my Dad, for not managing the situation when he had his outbursts, not being clever or loveable enough to make him notice me.

But no, nothing to do with me, nothing I could have done to change what happened or to protect my brothers and sister.

This was all down to my alcoholic Father and co-dependant Mother.

I guess it's taken me a long time to accept this. But it still hurts.

Jeni26

Thanks Bloss. No I will never drink over them again either.

Lots of love to you xxx

bloss

What you said about it not being your fault really touched me, made my cry. My younger sister, I always thought I could stand up to dad, protect her. Big burden to carry for a little girl.

Jeni26

Too big a burden Bloss, too big for any child xxx

aasharon90

People, friends, family, all those who
were mean and did hateful, uncalled
for things towards me, to me, today
I can say and think of the same words
my Higher Power or Lord, Jesus spoke
upon the cross before he died.....

Forgive them for they know not what
they do.

For all those who persecuted Him, he
forgave them. For me I had and have to
reach way down deep inside my own
soul to forgive the pain inflicked on me
especially as a little child into my adulthood.

Forgiveness is one of those keys in life
and recovery that will set us free and it
has for me, unless I take back those
resentments I hold towards them.

Lenina

((((Jen)))) after years of therapy, I finally came to a place of acceptance. for me, it was realizing that they didn't withhold their care and love, it just was something they didnt have to give. I was 50 years old when this bell finally rang for me. today, I am mostly able to forgive them but once in a while the anger will still flare up.

Jen, you and I survived with the ability to love and care and have empathy. today I can live in peace knowing it wasn't a flaw in me but probably a flaw in them.

I hope this makes sense. You're a great girl!

Love from Lenina

Jeni26

I don't think I ever thought I had any resentments against them...I guess because I always felt i should take the brunt of the blame here. Especially as both my sister and I were sexually abused too, but not by a family member. Though my parents did find out about it later and continued to socialise with the perpetrator!! I actually had my sister on my list of people to make amends to until my sponsor told me to go and seek counselling about this.

Now..I don't know about forgiveness. I guess I have it in my heart to forgive. But at the moment I'm still processing it. It still seems pretty raw, and for a woman in her 40s to still feel that amount of hurt seems a bit ridiculous. I can't afford self-pity, that isn't good for me, so I guess I must move towards forgiveness no matter how difficult x

Jeni26

Thankyou xxx

Kialua

This is so true, and so so hard. But very worth it when you can finally forgive. You forgive to set you free. What it does for the offender is just a by product or your deliverance.

ElegantlyWasted

Not sure how old you are, but regardless try looking a ACOA. There are some great threads here and I think they have their own website. Might give you some insight and strength.

aasharon90

There's so many victims out there in the
world that are still suffering and don't
know how to go about getting help. They
don't know where to begin. For those,
including yourself, no matter what age,
you found the strength to seek professional
help to learn healthier ways to move from
the past pain to future happiness and
contentment.

There is a word Ive learned that is SURVIVOR.

Instead of thinking of myself as a victim of
childhood abuse or any kind of abuse, I will
think of myself as a SURVIVOR of it.

WE ARE WINNERS & SURVIVORS.

Jeni26

Thankyou xxx.

Yes, I've been given the strength and tools to move past this, and for that I'm grateful.

I feel very hurt at this time but I will be able to move past it.

I will get there....

DavidG

What an inspiring thread- I have moved through the ACA Solution... and embrace the Promises- some times, at least...

...my awareness, as a kid was that both my parents could spend money on drinking and smoking, and spend lots of time doing this- and neglect the kids. One day a woman bought a glass of raspberry out to our car. I was the oldest. It was shared out sip by sip between between five kids.

I seemed to wait the rest of my childhood for the next glass of raspberry. As I grew up I saw my rites of passage as being allowed to smoke, and then being able to drink too. Then as I grew I threw these over, much to the disgust of or father, in particular.

There was little of no violence in our family. It was massively passive-aggressive. I do recall mum and dad tho' at our sister's wedding, at about the time they split up. They both had huge bruises on their face.

My rite of passage at age 17. Mum and dad came home from the pub about 7.30. Mum chipped at our sister aged about 12 for not having tea ready.

I chipped in and said there was nothing for her to cook. Mum turned to dad- I can remember this as if it was yesterday. She said that boy was getting to big for his boots.

Later I was out at the sleep-out I shared with my brother. Dad came over and said that if we didn't like it here we cold both f### off.

I was finishing my second year after getting university entrance. I was 17. I was not shaving and I was emotionally about 3 or 4. I could barely communicate.

I sat my bursary exams and spend the next week working on a shearing gang to raise the cash. I came back and picked up a school prize. I still have that book somewhere but I recall most that my life was a complete wreckage.

I was full of rage. 'Anger' does not describe it at all. I believed that society sucked big time. And what happened next reflected that.

I am so glad I am here with ACA. So much to share, so much to compare. So much to believe. I can be a loving caring person after all...

-DavidG.

Jeni26

Thankyou David, your post triggered so many memories...of sitting outside pubs in the beer garden in the cold with a bottle of coke and a straw while my toes and fingers were frozen numb and my parents were inside in the warm...of having to cook my Dad's dinner for when he came home from the pub and worrying it wouldn't be what he wanted...of never knowing from one minute to the next what mood he would be in...it was relentless.

I have buried so much for so long.

I don't want to be overwhelmed by this. That's worrying me a bit.

Think I will hug my own kids a bit harder tonight that's for sure. I'm so thankful I'm able to do that. The cycle of abuse and neglect has been broken in my family and for that I'm so thankful.

Thanks everyone xxx

GingerM

I actually seriously doubt that they did feel anything. Or that they noticed the effects. Or that they thought the effects had anything to do with their own behaviors. This is how they can not feel anything - after all, if it's not their fault, what's there to feel?

The psyche is an amazing thing. It will not ever expose to you anything that you are not capable of handling (this is why many on this forum say they have no memories of their childhood). If you are recognizing it, if you are remembering, if you are coming to grips with it, it means your YOU-NESS is ready to tackle it. That doesn't mean it will be pleasant, though, or easy. It just means that you're ready to face something very difficult and you have the strength to handle it without turning into a puddle of emotional goo. A small nervous breakdown here and there? Yup, that's normal. A mass of non-functional goo? Nope, not gonna happen.

You've come far enough that you can withstand the next wave. Good on ya! And now the next wave is here, and you'll make it.

Jeni26

[QUOTE=GingerM;


The psyche is an amazing thing. It will not ever expose to you anything that you are not capable of handling (this is why many on this forum say they have no memories of their childhood). If you are recognizing it, if you are remembering, if you are coming to grips with it, it means your YOU-NESS is ready to tackle it. That doesn't mean it will be pleasant, though, or easy. It just means that you're ready to face something very difficult and you have the strength to handle it without turning into a puddle of emotional goo. A small nervous breakdown here and there? Yup, that's normal. A mass of non-functional goo? Nope, not gonna happen.

You've come far enough that you can withstand the next wave. Good on ya! And now the next wave is here, and you'll make it.[/QUOTE]

This is EXACTLY what I needed to read right now.

Thankyou so much

Xxx

kudzujean

Some really helpful things I've heard about forgiveness:

"Forgiveness is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt."

Also, if you forgive someone it DOESN'T mean you have to let them back in your life.

I don't think it is ridiculous for a woman in her 40s to still feel that amount of hurt. You couldn't feel it as a kid; you had to stuff it in order to survive. So you are feeling it now, now that it's safe for you to feel it, and you feel it the way a child would.

I'd say don't push youself on this forgiveness business, continue to work your recovery the best you can, and IME, it will come. I've forgiven my mother for things I never thought I'd be able to forgive her for. Who knows, someday I may be able to forgive my father for being abusive and totally abdicating from his role as a parent.