Admiral

I've started to learn about ACoA and am not really sure where I stand with it all.

I did not grow up in an abusive household, neither of my parents drank or used drugs, but they did come from abusive households themselves. I know that they both attended meetings and worked recovery programs, but in the end they split up. Looking back on the times before the divorce I have never felt that the family was quite right. Things felt tense and broken at times. There was a lot of triggering for both of my parents, a lot of frustration, but at the same time it feels like they really did try to let us know what was going on and that it wasn't our fault.

As an adult I was shocked to find that a lot of my "problems" kind of fit into ACoA behavior. I don't form relationships with other people, they feel abrasive and uncomfortable to me, I am afraid of angry people and authority figures, I am very hard on myself and have a difficult time accepting that other people can be wrong and I can be right. Sometimes I feel like I am incapable of forming my own opinions and require the opinions of other people instead.

It just seems bizarre that these characteristics would manifest themselves in me when both of my parents were aware of what happened to them and tried to fix it. I've been told I should see someone but I can't afford it right now, and I'm not really sure what to do about all this. The revelation was very sudden and it's a lot to take in.

DavidG

Hmmm... yes... I can't really answer for this forum... it appears to have its own Momma bear and Poppa bear who keep things rolling.

ACoA/ACA was originally for the children of alcoholics [and addicts?]. Now the official organisation also covers dysfunctional families.

I know a group called "Adult Children Anonymous". This covers all who qualify- people who have trouble with maturity, like myself.

In Alanon, where I am a member, grandparents or any caregiver/ relative can be a qualifier.

But my opinion: 'if you don't feel like you belong, then you do belong!'

I think our groups should have an open door- so long as everyone sticks to the topic, and the programme. Until people actually get to open up and share they are not aware of the qualifiers.

Most of the 12 step groups have the 6-meeting deal. That works all round imo. Gives people a chance to see if they want and need to commit to a group.

I am aware that our own kids have issues... not nearly so bad as I had, as far as I can see- but for the inside isolation especially feels horrendous. I do what I can for this....

...and the big one, for me is the break the cycle of family break-up. On my dad's side my great great grandfather, a baptist, split up. I was the first to break the cycle. My brothers and sister did not.

I think whatever ACA grouping we are in we need others.

-DavidG.

DesertEyes

What DavidG said

If there was _any_ kind of dysfunction in your "Family of Origin" then you are welcome to join us and explore what is available.

Perhaps they tried but were unable to complete the "fixes". Perhaps they started working on their issues _after_ some of the dysfunction had been passed on to you.

That is all it takes to plant the seeds of dysfunction in a child. How much and how deep the dysfunction is will be different for every person.

It is a lot. If you jump in the deep end it can be overwhelming. The general suggestion is to start by simply reading. We have some "sticky" posts at the top of this forum where you can start, there's tons of information available with a Google search. At some point in your research one or two issues will start to "click", which will give you a starting point for healing.

As you have questions feel free to post them here and we will toss in our .02 worth.

Welcome again.

Mike

Reedling

My parents are both adult children. One crossed over into alcoholism late in life, long after I'd left home, and is now dry.

It's the dysfunctional world view and coping that gets passed on. The active addiction etc. can in this way skip a generation-- my family pattern looks like this. So if you look at my parents from the outside from a distance, you see people that look pretty good as ACoAs often do. And if you look at my generation in my family, raised with dysfunctional coping strategies and values (don't talk/trust/feel etc.), we are a hot mess.

GingerM

This is spot on. We incorporate, at a level that goes well below the level of consciousness, the views and skills of our parents. As children, we absorb "how to be in the world" from what is modeled to us. As our culture no longer raises children in tribes, but instead in single family units, this usually means that we only have our parents' way of existing in the world as our models.

It starts at birth. It continues until we change ourselves.