Trust but verify???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
Trust but verify???
My BF is in medication assisted therapy from a serious opiate addiction of 35 years duration (on and off). He has been doing really well for the past week or so. Just started on subs last week, and we've both been so happy. This morning, when I gave him his medication strip he put it in his pocket, and said that he wanted to take it mid-day because when he took it in the morning, he would start to jones by nighttime. I suggested that maybe he take half in the morning and half at night. A little while later his boss called, but it didn't neccessarily sound to me like he was talking to his boss. I also saw him looking out the window, and he said he heard a dog barking and wanted to see what the fuss was about? His user x-girlfriend has been to our house before. So I started to get suspicious, and 1) asked him to PLEASE take at least half of his medication in front of me, which he did and then 2)asked to see his phone (and in fact, it was his boss who had called). And he was like "you REALLY don't trust me do you. it kind of hurts my feelings." So am I just being insecure? I guess that's an understatement right. Question, how can I support his recovery and "trust but verify" without leaving him feeling violated? Also, I know I can't monitor him every minute of every hour of every day, but I do find myself checking his phone, and I'm paranoid that I know people are still texting and calling him and trying to tempt him. Thus far he hasn't really done anything to betray my trust, but I am constantly paranoid. In truth, he could just use if and when he wanted to and I would never know it. How can I stop myself from constantly questionning him? What IS a HEALTHY boundary when I am trying to support him in his recovery, but not be a stalker? Where is the balance between "trust but verify"?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
I don't know. I don't know where to draw the line? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. He is not "special needs" except that he is an addict. I guess I am a control freak, know I am right? I guess I just feel like I am willing to do ANYTHING to keep him off the iv. I just have absolutely no idea at this point what things I am doing are helping versus hurting him and/or his efforts to stay clean. What would a "healthy" and supportive girlfriend do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
Trust but verify is not any recovery language that I know of. I just feel like if I can verify some things, eg "catch" him telling the truth that over time I will be able to trust him more. I foolishly got stuck on some OTHER site yesterday where some users were discussing their strategies for still being able to use intermittently with their "flinstones chewables" by NOT taking their chewables every day. So when he said he didn't want to take it until later 100 different scenarios flooded my mind. Was he not taking it because he was intending to use later? Was he not taking it bc he was going to share it with his XAGF? Was he really out in the shed using when he said he would be getting some tools? This is NOT the person I want to be. I want to just trust him, but I feel the need to verify. I need some re-assurance. I can barely concentrate on work or anything else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
We have been close friends for about 3 years but only seriously dating for about 3 months. He only disclosed his illness to me which I suspected for the past year or so about a month ago. So yes I am REALLY REALLY REALLY attempting to control. So if I can't control it what do I do. Just accept that he's the only one who will ever know if he's sticking to his program or not? And hope for the best? This is much easier said than done. How were you able to break free from trying to control "it"?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
So I don't give him any "money", but I have shelled out quite a lot recently for his "health", including dental care, getting him a physical and bloodwork on account of his Hep-C, and yes, getting him to a legitimate doctor to get legal chewables that he cannot shoot. He has seemed happy and releived until this morning, when I was anxious about being late to work, and he seemed anxious to me (was I projecting?), and then I turned stalker, and now he isn't speaking to me except some texts to say that he just needs to think but he does still love me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
I can try. I can try to accept it. So what are outward signs of acceptance? No more prying? No more tracking him on "find my friends" phone app? Just accept that he is what he is and that I've got to be ok with that?
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
There's no trying, you either do or you don't. Accept him as is because it's arrogant to try to mold him into who YOU want HIM to be. Look in the mirror, how would you feel if someone wanted you to change into someone you are not just to please them. That you're not good enough as is. As far as OUTWARD signs, that's just trying to "show". All the answers are inside of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
divinespark thanks a lot for posting....just so many red flags on both sides to address. I am glad you are going to Alanon.
Personally, I would bolt from this relationship. I am not telling you to do that...but there are 100s of thousands of healthy men in this world who you could be in a mutual and caring relationship with. I mean 1 out of....!!! My best to you...you are finding your way. Thanks
Personally, I would bolt from this relationship. I am not telling you to do that...but there are 100s of thousands of healthy men in this world who you could be in a mutual and caring relationship with. I mean 1 out of....!!! My best to you...you are finding your way. Thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
Ok. I know that he's in touch with XGF. They have been friends for 35 years. The three of us all had brunch on Sunday. I have flat out asked her to please support him in NOT connecting him to those people, places, and things. She did in fact send him a text yesterday, "was he going to see Xsource" today or did he want to see or something. He texted back "no." Also the "source" CALLED him when I was with him yesterday and he DID tell me it was the "source". He said that the source checking to see if they had missed his call to which he had replied "no." And was then with me for the rest of the day/night. I already deleted "source" from his contact list, and these people are still calling him.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
My first thought to myself was "if it's only been three months of dating....RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN." Look at where you are right now at only 3 months. You are emotionally connected to him and you have been friends longer so I understand. Read everything you can here. It is a great forum with valuable information. The confusion you are feeling is felt by all here. From my experience, if you want to feel the way you are right now plus much worse sometimes, better others, then worse, then better but always up and down and always chaos within yourself...well, here it is...this feeling you have will always be there. There are stories here of success or more success than I had and not everyone is the same. So I tell you to read and do what makes you feel best. Take care of yourself. You can't "take care" of them, IMO. There are many, many healthy partners out there if you choose this is not for you. It's only been 3 months...it doesn't have to be 3 years or more...believe me...I've been there. Trust your gut. Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Share with him the positive changes that you see happening. Be open about your trust issues, and realize it will take time to rebuild this. See if there are things he will willingly & comfortable do to ease your mind regarding his progress.
But think about it - would anyone want to be snooped on continuously, even if they had nothing to hide?
And realistically if he becomes an active user again; abusing subs or back on his DOC most likely he would just increase his sneakiness to get around your efforts. Wont lead to a healthy relationship IMO.
Watch his behavior, see if he keeps plans you make, arrives home in time, is engaged in whatever your doing together. And look at chunks of time, not a day, but a week. Bigger picture than the detailed focus and it will also keep you more relaxed hopefully.
One thing I notice, your communication seems good. Being able to talk together about his use of subs, and his willingness to explain the logic on when he takes them. All of this I think is healthy, but realize he gets the final say, and you have to accept his choice without argument. He probably feels like beyond trust issues, your not respecting his decisions, and by extension not respecting him. I think we all want our significant other to have respect for us right?
At the end of the day, hopefully you choose to be together because you enhance each other’s lives. If that's not the case, then you may have some thinking to do about where it's all headed.
But think about it - would anyone want to be snooped on continuously, even if they had nothing to hide?
And realistically if he becomes an active user again; abusing subs or back on his DOC most likely he would just increase his sneakiness to get around your efforts. Wont lead to a healthy relationship IMO.
Watch his behavior, see if he keeps plans you make, arrives home in time, is engaged in whatever your doing together. And look at chunks of time, not a day, but a week. Bigger picture than the detailed focus and it will also keep you more relaxed hopefully.
One thing I notice, your communication seems good. Being able to talk together about his use of subs, and his willingness to explain the logic on when he takes them. All of this I think is healthy, but realize he gets the final say, and you have to accept his choice without argument. He probably feels like beyond trust issues, your not respecting his decisions, and by extension not respecting him. I think we all want our significant other to have respect for us right?
At the end of the day, hopefully you choose to be together because you enhance each other’s lives. If that's not the case, then you may have some thinking to do about where it's all headed.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
also, if they are telling you things/stories early on about the past or what they think of as "the good ole days" like with college buddies, roomates, etc...and all the stories involve either alcohol/substances of some sort and there is never even one, just one, "normal" story like, oh i don't know, someone streaked the football field or drove a golf cart in to a tree.....RUNNNNNNNNNNN. kind of giggling over what i call "normal" here for examples but had i really, really listened early on to those stories--there were too many of them for it to "just be college days" AND these college buddies are still here today and still in contact all the time. what looked like "old friends" is much, much more than that. take a look not only at what you are doing to yourself this early on but take a look around you, too. who are the absolute closest of his friends you see over and over again. look at their lives if you have the ability to get that close and know specific info. this will tell you alot. everything will tell you alot but see it now. be very aware of what you are signing on for. IMO, it is hell. you may very well be able to handle it but if you are here and feeling a strain already i would seriously take a very close look inside yourself and ask yourself "is this the life I want?"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
If my time on SR has taught me anything---it's that they are going to use when they
want to use.They will recover (if & when) they want to recover.Any beliefs on our part
that we have any influence or control are simply in error.
(and I second Peacedove---don't let 3 mos turn into 3 yrs turn into 3 decades)
..........'cuz we don't have the option of 3 centuries!
want to use.They will recover (if & when) they want to recover.Any beliefs on our part
that we have any influence or control are simply in error.
(and I second Peacedove---don't let 3 mos turn into 3 yrs turn into 3 decades)
..........'cuz we don't have the option of 3 centuries!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
