kelleyt

I really just need to get it all out!! I'm tried of lies I'm tried of feeling crazy and struggling I hate that I love my husband and he is on herion!! I hate that I don't love myself enough to not care like he doesn't I hate waking up everyday feeling like s@&$t .. I did not get sober to feel this way !! I hate that I have to get divorced and that he doesn't care it hurts so bad like I'm dying inside I just want peace and love . I want a normal husband someone I can count on make me laugh and not cry everyday someone who is sober and has a god in his life I want to look at him and know that he loves me that's what a marriage is supposed to be a friend someone u trust !! I don't have that I never did I feel stupid and used !! I just want to not feel this but I have to .. Cause it's not healthy it's not normal it's like a nightmare everyday he is never going to change I don't have hope anymore I have nothing left to give he took it all and I gave it away for what !! To be left and hurt cause I was in a dream !! Sorry had to vent cause it hurts like hell

Evey

Im in pain too....i wasnt married though so i can only imagine your situation but i thought eventually my xabf was going to be *the one* i marry later on. hes also a heroin addict unfortunately and lied to me our whole relationSH*T.......but would look me in my eyes and tell me im the love of his life, future wife, how he wants my babies, yadda yadda.....and me being naive fell for it. a year later my heart is on the ground shattered into a million pieces. he used me, cause i was a decent girl with morals....something to show off to his parents...to be like "hey i gotta be recovering look at this nice girl im dating" to keep him off his parents *radar*.......

then he ended up breaking up with about a month ago now......telling me he needs to "recover" but its bullsh*t because two days later hes posting pics on facebook of him doped up at bars with *new* friends.....sooooo coool!!! more like soooo sad.

he picked a bag of dope and new cool friends over me.
*shake my head*.......im WORTH more then a bag of dope....and so are YOU.

hugs xo

kelleyt

Thanks !! That's what they say when they want to keep using I know heard it a million times !! He knows that I know when he is using he can't fool me anymore so he blames me for everything u just want to fight he says its sick and crazy I hate myself for listening to it cause it makes me so mad I want to hit him and say wake up !! Lol

Evey

yea last week i confronted him about texting me and told him hes a mindf*ck/manipulater/liar cause hes still using then tried to get mad at me and make me out to be the bad person.....*shake my head*

its been over a week now with no contact on both ends and ive found much serenity this way.

kelleyt

Well today is a new day !! It's the first day of the rest of my life !! My heart is broken , I'm sad I'm angry but I'm ok !! It's just like every other day I feel
The same sick to my stomach !! Trying to not cry at work today!! I just have to go through it !! It's the only way !! Is to feel this and move on he is ok with it so can I !! I was a good wife friend and everything else !! I really lost nothing but pain

EverHopeful721

Hang in there, kelley - you are doing great and you will get through this!! Keep posting and venting - we're all here for you and will help you through it!! (((hugs)))

kelleyt

Thank you I needed to hear that!! Hugs back !!

Vale

Evey wrote:
*.......im WORTH more then a bag of dope....and so are YOU.


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THESE jewels are why I keep coming to SR!

JourneyParadise

Yes, you need to get out. You are not happy, you need to leave. You need to take care of yourself.
Your husband needs to choose you not the heron. You are so much more important and desire much better. You deserve to be happy, and be put first. You deserve to have an amazing life, filled with amazing, caring people.
Take Care

Kindeyes

I stayed in a lousy marriage to an addict for five years. I stayed because he said he loved me. I stayed because he said he'd kill himself if I left him. I thought that meant that he loved me more than life itself. Who wouldn't want someone to love them THAT much? But those are the thoughts and feelings of my ego......wanting to be loved that much.

Well, I eventually decided to get off Mr Toad's Wild Ride.....and guess what....he didn't kill himself. He's still alive, he's still addicted, he's still angry and resentful (I divorced him 30 years ago). I went on with my life and found a wonderful, healthy man who is not addicted and he has shown me consistently how good it is to share my life with someone who is honest, hard working, loving, etc. I wouldn't have found this dear man whom I've been married to for 28 years if I'd continued to believe what my XAH told me.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

As the serenity prayer says.....it takes a lot of courage to change.

When you're ready, you'll do what you need to do (whatever that may be for you) to find a measure of serenity. And we'll walk with you. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

(((((Kelley))))) only you can decide when it is time to leave for your own sanity, peace of mind, and serenity.

Try that PRO?CON list we talked about, that I believe will get you more 'centered' and closer to a decision.

This is no longer about his recovery or lack there of. This is about YOU and the rest of your life! Riding the 'crazy train' and the 'roller coaster' can give us horrible stress which in turn can cause some serious health problems.

Even if you decide to 'wait and see' you can still do a separation so that you each can work your own programs of recovery.

Remember we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

kelleyt

Thanks Laurie for everything it's means a lot !! Love and hugs to u !! Talk to u soon

Alone10

Good luck to you Kelley. I admire you for taking the brave step to take action and start focusing on you and your wellbeing. I'm still at the "thinking about it" stage, haven't yet put any wheels in motion to leave, but hopefully I'll pluck up the courage soon and stop having to live through this unhappiness.