peacedove

is it possible for me to have stumbled across an addict who hid his addiction very well, the relationship went along as it did with the bumps and humps of relationships with me not realizing the core of the problem until i did and then have it end and go to nothingness because once i knew the real deal i was what we will call "the enemy" or "outsider" because i am not a user?


yes, i am reading all the mentioned books, evaluating myself, figuring it all out along the way as i need to, did the "codie" check off list, doing counseling, etc...definitely proactive with my process. i don't want to simplify what happened to make it easier for myself but i also don't want to over do what happened either. sometimes, it's almost like the lines get blurred with all the information. there is normal and healthy then there is unhealthy, etc...it is for certain without a doubt i had an addict on my hands and i did not know it until i did. this is for certain. does this ever just happen to someone because, plain and simple, the person just did not know? like the relationship had to take it's course over time for it all to add up and make sense?

just wanted to see if anyone could chime in with an opinion. it may seem like a strange question. i don't know. but people here always have a thought or two or three that helps with any question--strange or not.

Ann

I don't understand the question. Most of us didn't know until we knew and when we knew we discovered we couldn't fix it.

We can choose to live with it and all the chaos that entails, or we can sadly let go and let them find their own way while we learn to live a healthy live.

Normal people walk as soon as they find out. Codies like us, take a long time, thinking we can love them into recovery...whether our addicted loved one is a partner or a child. I'm the latter, but I learn from normal people all the time. It just takes me longer to get there.

Hugs

Lily1918

well I also am confused by the question.

I believe as Ann said that normal people run, but addicts are generally attracted to codependents and codependents to addicts. Its like gravity or magnets.

Hanna

You are trying to understand why it ended? Sounds to me from your first few threads that you caught on to him, confronted him and he didn't want anyone getting in the way of using.

It's not your fault and you dodged a major bullet. Hard to see while grieving the loss of what you expected to be a lifelong relationship but you will see it in time.

Hugs,
Hanna

atalose

I’m not exactly sure of your question either so I am guessing you are trying to figure out what was “normal” in your relationship and what was “codie”.

As Ann pointed out, none of us knew until we knew. Yet, this guy told you early on he liked to party and there was talk of coke usage, you let him know you didn’t tolerate it and he remained the partier, so it’s not all that surprising when you walked in on him doing it.
Codie red flag: you planned a life time together with someone you only knew for 10 months.

Codie red flag: You became quickly attached to his children.

Codie red flag: you made requests early on in the relationship for him to decrease their alcohol consumption and party life style (your trying to change him into a person he is not)
He showed you early on exactly who he was, but the codie in you figured you would change him and you found out you couldn’t.

Put your focus on you and how you approach relationships and getting yourself healthier with your choices. What he did, what he said – none of that should matter today. I know you want to understand the addict but really you need to understand yourself more.

LoveMeNow

I truly believe healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick, yet a sick person can magnify or trigger a relatively healthy persons deep, emotional unhealthy emotions.

I also believe when we become the enemy to their addiction, the real ugliness will show itself on both sides.

I remember one time saying to my husband "I am not your enemy, I am just your addictions." He sat their speechless then he kept asking me over and over why i said that and what I meant by it. I could visually see the pain and confusion in his face.

Ann

A wise lady here told me a long time ago "When someone tells you what they are, believe them." Today if someone tells me they are an addict, my response is "You have options that include getting clean...I wish you well." Then I am out of there so fast you don't see the dust under these bunny slippers.

I'm still not "normal" but I learned a lot, and when I knew better, I did better.

Hugs

divinespark

I can totally relate to your feeling like the enemy outsider. I thought my BF had been in recovery for years, but wasn't. I mean he had been in recovery for some years, some decade ago, but not recently. Its a fine line between enabler and enemy. I step over the line all the time. I just ordered the book "where you end and I begin" or vice versa, because what are "normal" boundaries to other people are invisible to me. I've got to take care of me and for the time being, taking care of me means getting back to work.
Good luck!!!

peacedove

I found a great section here under FFA, titled "Some of it makes me laugh some makes me cry" and then "Things a normie wouldn't know." WOW. What a help it was. It was what I needed at just the right time. I was granted a blessing. Freedom. I didn't know it. But I was.