Lara

I have not posted in a while. Most of you know my history with H. ‘Liar, Liar, Range Rover on Fire’ was one of my first posts… cocaine being the DOC. A whirl wind of love, hate, sadness, tears, remorse, hateful words, broken promises, and more love. And this all over a 10 year or so period. I went no contact a few months ago. Out of sheer desperation for sanity and survival of self. I was lost in H’s addiction. But then I joined SR in June last year – and thank God! I was so clear in my thinking a few months ago. After a disastrous December where H was obviously using cocaine (after relapsing) combined with excessive drinking – I was so clear. Knew I had to keep him out of my life. Posted almost daily on SR for strength and reconfirmation that I was doing the right thing with going no contact. H has been clean since December. And he contacted me recently. I am currently on ‘his island’ where he lives and I have a business. He called and we met. He told me he has been clean for a few months. He again told me how I am the ‘love of his life’. How he will ‘never hurt me again’. How is wants me to ‘give him a chance’. That he will go to ‘couples councelling’ with me. How he doesn’t want to ever lose me again. He has bought tickets to India – to take me away – to show me that he is ‘H’ again – the person I fell in love with over 10 years ago…. Dear God - my heart is aching. My soul cries out. I WANT to believe him. He is SO convincing. But is all I read on SR true?? Am I a fool to give him a chance… I know everyone says you should give somebody at least a minimum year in recovery before embarking on any major decisions or a relatsionship… but it feels we have loved each other for ever…. I have tried to get on with my life. I am a strong Christian. I pray every day. Yet my heart goes back to H…. I don’t want to wake up one day and it is too late. I want a chance to be with the man I love. But the statistics are against us. So few ever truly recover. I have a beautiful little boy – I am responsible for my son. Can I take this chance? Am I being the most selfish person on earth? Yet I feel life is so short. I have lost all the men in this life I hold most dear. My dad died at 51 and then I lost my gorgeous brother in a car crash aged 23! I love H. I want this chance…. But as some wise old man once said ‘some of the greatest love affairs end in tragedy’.

AnvilheadII

how many CHANCES have you given him already? and what makes you think THIS TIME will be any different than what your entire history together has proved out time and again?

he HAD chances. he HAD you in his life. AND HE FAILED. every time you soften/weaken, buy into his used car salesman BS, you tell him that it's ok to behave exactly as he has, how he treats you, how wreckless and out of control he gets (let's not forget the DUI??), you get all hung up on this being some glorified romance with star crossed lovers.

i'm never impressed when somebody says they won't hurt me, AGAIN.

if you wanna go, go back. but do NOT act surprised should he once again FAIL to live up to his promises.

story74

You are asking, so I will give my humble opinion. If there is a child involved, NO WAY would I take another chance. He would have to show me he has been clean for a year and do everything, and I mean everything right. After a year of doing the right things perfectly, then, I would consider slowly dating without involving or having the child know. slow slow.

I was with my xah for 16 years. I thought he was the love of my life. It hurt like hell, and I mean it hurt, but I have slowly gotten through the pain. Over time it gets better. No contact is the only way I could really get over him.

I hate to be so negative, but I don't believe an addict. I would do some serious research about what REAL recovery looks like. There are some people on this site who have REALLY recovered. A few months is nothing, and how do you know he is telling the truth? My xah lied bold face to his mother. He convinced her so much so that after everything he did (abandoned his family and cheat) she had enough nerve to say that she didn't think he was on drugs. She believed him. She wanted to because she loved him so much. Denial.

No, the pain isn't worth it. It is especially not fair, nor a good role model for a child.

Again, just my humble opinion.

zoso77

I'm on travel for business, but I do have an opinion. Will post once I'm back to my hotel.

ZoSo

Ann

My son used to lie to his girlfriends, telling them he had 5 months of recovery when he didn't have 5 minutes. I'm not saying your fella is lying but I would take it very slow and let time tell you the true story.

I wouldn't even consider going to India with him, or anywhere for that matter. if he gets in trouble with drugs in a foreign country you could too and lord knows what would happen to your child.

The choice is yours but I think you are making a mistake. He talkss the talk but has yet to walk the walk.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Hugs

GardenMama

Throwing flames at you seems a bit violent for my taste, but how would you feel if I were to tie a big rock to your ankle?

Stay grounded.

Stay clear-headed. (No India, for the reasons Ann mentioned!)

Stay focused on you and your son, but mostly on your recovery.

The answer will become clear.

Peace.

LoveMeNow

Hi Lara, I believe it's your life, your choices. We all have our own journey. I didn't always take the advice of others, some I wish I had, some I am glad I didn't. And who knows, my story is far from over...maybe I will regret more but today I am happy. I am not living in fear. I know regardless of what happens in my marriage, I will be ok.

Please know we will always be here for you...no matter what. Good luck and God bless.

Faithlove

Oh, Laura,
My heart hurts for you. I'd agree with everyone else and say to take this at a snail's pace.

India isn't going anywhere.

But, it is your life......and your son's. Be safe.

zoso77

So, what hard evidence do you have that he's been clean "a few months"? Other than, of course, his word?

What do you mean by this, exactly? Is it true, in my case, that my AXGF did what she did in the manner I've described? Yes. Are the stories of my fellow members true? I would tend to think yes. Or are you confused about the takeaway of something like "What Addicts Do"?

When I read your post, Lara, you sound like you're bleeding from the loss of your father and your brother. And I'm very, very sorry that you've had to endure those losses and I empathize: I lost my dad when I was 10 and he was 53.

Yet you wonder if you're being selfish for wanting to be with your husband. I don't think you're being selfish. I personally believe you're in denial about your husband. You have loads and loads of empirical evidence that he's not someone you can hitch your wagon to. Yet you look past all of that based on his words and his promises. Did you ever consider that you could be happy without your husband? Or is your definition of happy limited to some sort of life with him?

What about your son? Where does he factor into this? Don't you believe, in your heart of hearts, that he needs to be protected from your AH?

In Al Anon, they always say "take what you like and leave the rest". What's implicit in that statement is what you're taking away from those meetings isn't what you want to hear, but what is helpful for you, even if you don't like what "helpful" may mean. It often takes courage to do the right thing by ourselves. Doing the right thing by ourselves is often difficult, because doing the right thing isn't necessarily doing what feels "good". To the contrary, it may mean the opposite. And I think that you're so wounded, so vulnerable, you're willing to tolerate what your husband brings into your life so you don't have to face another loss.

Lara...sweetheart...living in fear is not living. We all have to face what is to come, whether we want to or not. Sometimes we have to accept things we don't like. And sometimes, we have to endure pain that's beyond measure. And that's life...sometimes.

Please. Use your head. Not your heart. For you, and your son.

ZoSo

horriblethisis

With the exception of buying tickets in India...MY hubby told me these EXACT words TODAY!!! I too am struggling just like YOU...wanting to believe him BECAUSE he is SO convincing! I am in the divorce process after 25 years, and I am struggling too. However, I strongly believe that I know in my mind what is the right thing, even though my heart may not agree. I for one am moving forward with divorce, and if he stays clean for the next two years, and we are both available, then maybe we'll try again. You fell in love 10 years ago, I fell in love 25 years ago...I tried to make it work "before" and we are right back here again...don't add another 15 years...don't wait as long as I did sweetie...it's just a damn vicious cycle and it sucks at 25 years just as it does at 10!! Hugs...

tjp613

I'm just gonna post this "poem" that has helped me many, many times. Dammit, I hope it helps you.

LIFE IN 5 CHAPTERS

CHAPTER 1 I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. And I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER 2 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER 3 I walk down the same street and there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there, and still I fall in. It’s a habit. But my eyes are open and I know where I am. It is my fault and I get out immediately.

CHAPTER 4 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

CHAPTER 5 I walk down a different street.

Hanna

This is the guy that killed someone in August?

Maylie

Sometimes it is hard to see the reality of the situation when you are so emotionally involved so it is good that you came here looking for what others think. I just hope that you take some time to digest what others are seeing from an outside point of view.

The first thing that I noticed is that he was so quick to run to you saying how he was clean. He knows how your past together has gone and if he really wanted to show you he would have changed he would have been sober for a year and really taken the time to fully throw himself into recovery and go to counseling to be in the best place emotionally and physically before he came back and asked for another chance. He has already gotten so many chances, you would think that he would want to show you this time is different and the way to show you that things are different is to show you with his actions..not take the easy way out and come running with a couple months of recovery. That right that shows his lack of personal growth.

The second thing is this whole trip to India. The fact that is trying to reel you in with an extravagant trip shows that he knows that his actions don't scream recovery and therefore he needs to pull you in with some big trip. Its the same as if he came over using but he had a beautiful diamond necklace that he gave you as a gift and you would be so taken aback by the gift you wouldn't notice he wasn't sober. The trip to India is manipulation at its finest. Instead of proving to you how far he is in recovery he distracts you with a trip and the fantasy of what your life together could be.

You need to make this decision with your son in mind. You aren't just making a decision for you, your making a decision for both of you. Remember, if this goes in flames you are not the only one that will end up getting hurt.

A way to look at it is if you child was older and he was in the relationship you are in what would you tell him? Would you look at what your husband has done and think that your son's partner had done enough work to prove himself? Would you tell your son the trip to India is a good idea?

LoveMeNow

Lara, I just went back and read some of your lasts post because my memory is going. Did he lead you to believe he was in rehab in December when he wasn't? What has he done since February to change and work on his recovery?

I agree with the others, go very, very slow. Step back and look for any signs of more manipulation.

madisonblake

Lara-I remember your name from this website from a long time ago. Like you, I'm a single mother and hadn't posted on SR in awhile. I foolishly for like the 100th time got back together with my ex after hearing the exact same things your ex is telling you. This was 5 months ago and he told me word for word what you are hearing, it was all a crock.

At the moment, we've only been separated for a week since i left on vacation without him because I found out once again he had been doing all kinds of drugs. He was supposed to go on this trip. Now I'm getting all the same messages you are from your ex. I love you. From the first time I met you I felt this connection with you. That has never left. Bla bla bla bla bla. It's so hard for me now that i'm back to reality but I am trying to listen to what I should have listened to from SR members years ago. I told him if he had a year in recovery, we could talk then. Until that time, we had nothing to discuss.

It's so hard. It's so confusing. It's so mind boggling why as a mother I would feel these emotions for someone who I know logically is not stable enough to be around my daughter and I. You and I both need to finally realize we and our children deserve better.

Vale

Lara,

We don't want to shoot you down in flames.We like you(and your writings!)

You know the facts,and you're a sentient being able to make your own choices.
If you were out on the bay in a jetski chasing down cute hunks I'd say "What
the hell---have a blast!"

But you're not on a jetski.You are Captain of a vessel (a family) with at least
1 passenger.Passengers don't get to choose.They are strapped in for the ride.

We know what you're feeling."He's the one";"my soulmate","my last chance in
this life".But as an intelligent lady--you are aware that that is NOT the case.
Real love follows through.It underpromises and overdelivers.

It's not about knowing.It is about feeling.Never are we more enslaved than when
we are enslaved by our emotions.I know.I've bared my soul here on SR.Trust
me when I say NOONE in my real world would believe that I would fall for this
addiction line of crap.NOONE!! But I did.

If you want to chase this guy....chase him!!! But before you do,please resign your
commission/be relieved of command of the vessel.Allow the passengers to get off,
in some way or fashion --- and then you can go rent the jetski and go for broke.

But don't be like the Captain of the Costa Concordia----showboating with an ocean
liner.....right into a reef.His passengers didn't deserve that.

If life has taught me one thing,the hard choices always
GET made.The only question is.....will YOU be the one that gets to make them?

The tone of this is rapt respect--don't read anything else into it.My NC decision was
amongst the hardest I have ever made.But it was no cakewalk.AT ALL.

Good luck & Bon Chance,Skipper!

Lara

I respect your comments Anvilhead.... this is why I posted again!! Need to 'hear' the reality from my support group here on SR. Thank you

Lara

Thank you Story74! As I commented to Anvilhead - this is why I posted here again... needed clarity. Your opinion is based on bitter experience - and I know you are right.... Thank you

Lara

Thank you Ann!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lara

I needed to hear these words... Thank you!