cambell

Good morning. It has been awhile since i last posted anything. I thought at the time i could do this on my own and believed myself to be a strong enough person. I am not. My alcoholic boyfriend has been in/out of the hospital 5 times since Easter and finally went to detox and has now been sober for 10 days, doing the work,attending meetings ect...I have literally lost my mind..i question my sanity since i went to speak with him at his homw to let him know what his disease has done to me..the pain,anguish,embarrasement,deciet,lonliness,lack of emotional availalbility no REAL realationship. He asked me " when was i going to get over my anger" He said all the right things to me for example he compared his disease to cancer..and asked me " would you leave me if i had cancer? why then, would you leave me because im an alcoholic, it's a disease. I thought to myself..hmmm, he has a point. I felt i made myself clear while speaking with him...i unleashed very calmly..but he still somehow made me think i was the fricken crazy one!! i am so hurt, so confused i am actually considering staying with him...wtf?...what am i doing? is he manipulating me?...comments like " i have lost verything because of this@#$% disease" i didnt ask for this disease. He cried,then stopped,then switched gears and became in a power play with me saying...well do what you need to do, i can't control the choices you make, your missing out on a good thing. i am a great person when i am sober...blah,blah.He tells me that i have "shut down" " i have a wall up" that this behaviour isnt healthy," i don't want a relationship like the one you have with your parents cause i won't stand a chance" ,however do what you need to do. Holy !@#$ im going insane. What do they call this again?...crazy making? ok well, i am crazy right now. I have never cried so much these last few months in my life. i am not the same person before i met him. i am irritable,agitated,tired and feel like im all alone. Where is my strenghth? i feel so weak.

I was on here awhile back and remember all the support i got on this site. I came back. I feel like i need to be reminded that i am going to be ok.
will i turn a corner?
Thank you in advance to all those reading my post.

roseblossom

It sounds like you need to take time for yourself and let him prove himself to you. Do things that will make your life better while he is focusing on his. If you never end up back together your life will still be better than it was before so you really have nothing to lose. He needs to focus on healing himself and he can't do that while he's busy trying to manipulate you into staying. I have dealt with this situation before and I sympathize with you. It's hard to do what needs to be done but it's for the best. The definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

gmanriley

Some tough love advice here...you 2 need to go your seperate

gmanriley

oops
you 2 need to go your separate ways. It's not a healthy relationship, never was,never will.
Move on.

honeypig

Cambell, I am new myself and don't know your story, but in your shoes, I would get myself to several Alanon meetings as soon as I possibly could. I think you'll learn a lot of what you need to know there.

My apologies if you have already been given this advice elsewhere or if you already attend Alanon.

Sounds to me as if he is using the "alcoholism is a disease" line to give himself a free pass for all he has done, and that is NOT the way it works.

Best wishes, and remember, you need to take care of YOU. He needs to take care of himself, not convince you that you need to stay around and do it for him.

Baya

Cambell
I feel your pain. I love my boyfriend very much and he is in treatment for Alchol. I am with you in crazy land. Life doesn't wait for him to recover. I am afraid of everything including our future.

MrsDarcy

Hi, cambell. I'm a new poster here myself, but I'd like to offer you my opinion on this part of your comments. It's pure BS--I've known people who, as they lay on their death-beds, did the best they could to do right by themselves and their loved-ones. Everyone has choices, and no one but them--not their disease (whatever it may be) and not other people, just them--is to blame if they make bad ones. He's not to blame for the disease, but he has no business using it as an excuse for his bad choices. You are not crazy and, yes, he is manipulating you. He clearly has a long way to go.

dandylion

Dear campbell, I often hear the "disease" analogy, and I consider it a bogus argument.

The two are not the same. My husband had cancer and even until the end--never was he abusive or inconsiderate of me. I have taken care of many people with cancer as well as addicts (alcohol and drugs)--trust me--they are not the same!!

Don't let him bamboozle you.

very sincerely, dandylion

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Cambell, I agree that he is responsible for his own choices and behaviors. If someone who has cancer and feels like crap from chemo is abusing the people who love him, is that okay? Your abf's analogy is off. Plus, he sounds like he's in full victim mode.

You feel crazy simply because being in a relationship with an A makes you crazy. I am also new here, but fully understand the frame of mind you are in right now. The disease saps you of all your strength, energy, and self esteem. Your reality becomes totally distorted until you too are seeing things through the diseased alcoholic lens.

Keep coming back to SR!!

Recovering2

I'm also one of those who doesn't buy the "what if I had cancer" stuff. It's not about having the disease, it's about the choices you make in dealing with it. If you're abusive, mean, not reliable, etc etc....then there is no excuse.

He's only sober 10 days after detox. So he is likely still in a fog. He is not yet working the steps, so he is still in victim mode. He has been through rehab before? You are most certainly NOT missing out on a good thing, he has a loooong way to go before he's good for anyone else.

Don't let him manipulate you. The A is a Master at doing that to us. Leave him to his path, and work on yours. Get involved in AlAnon if you're not already. This guy is not good for you right now.

AnvilheadII

you're missing out on a good thing???? said the guy who was in the hospital FIVE times since 31st of March???? and JUST got out of detox?

you brought to him the pain and suffering you have endured and he tells you to get over it. who needs that? look at the state you are in right now? is this healthy? no. because you are still neck deep in the toxic soup known as your relationship.

get out. get away. get your sanity back!

divinespark

When are you going to get over your anger? Perhaps when he gets to the "ammends" portion of his program? Perhaps not. But my boyfriend and I go together to Al-Anon (for me) and AA (for him) meetings that are nearby to each other at the same time. That way I know he's at least going. I do have to say though that if he's not begging forgiveness, then it sounds manipulative. Even if he is begging forgiveness, then let him know that the only way to re-build trust is over time. Time sober that is. I have set goals with my BF, if you stay sober for X amount of time, then you will get X reward. Like maybe if he stays sober for one month, you'll let him take you out to dinner. Three months and you'll think about getting back together, etc. You definitely need Al-Anon and counseling for yourself whether you stay with him or not. And for now, it seems like it needs to be from somewhat of a difference.

cambell

Yes he has been in treatment before, for 8 weeks last fall and relapsed 3 weeks later. It has been a gong show ever since. Because he is in the mental health field himself, he put's on his therapist hat and does the pscycholgy babble with me. Of course it makes sense and i get all !@#$ over it and think i'm nuts. i know i need to get away, i know. i know i need to get into some sort of therapy, otherwise im going to become a lot sicker than i already am.

cambell

Recovering 2...is this a common phrase thye use( what if i had cancer?) would you leave then.

fedup3

The cancer line is a common one with alcoholics. My X used it on me and my reply was I did have cancer but I also went for treatment how about you? Are you up to facing your disease and getting treatment too? He didn't have much to say, ugh.

LaughAway

They know how to play you!!! You just have to learn not to feed into their words. It's tough, I struggle with it weekly. But in time it will get better, it has gotten better, but some of it's still there.

Expressing to others how you feel and going to Alanon meetings will really help. And keep posting and keep reading on here!!!!!

Your important too!!!

atalose

Comparing alcoholism and cancer is like comparing apples and bananas.

Alcoholism is basically self inflicted where as cancer is not.

Only a manipulator user would use that line against their supposed loved ones to gain what they wanted.

And you did say boyfriend right? Not a husband where the legal mumbo jumbo all needs to be done before splitting. A boyfriend who’s home you went to visit, so your not living with him, right?

Not a whole lot of ties other then your emotions keeping you linked to him, right?


It's beyond the time for you to move on....

DreamsofSerenity

Cambell, if he is in the mental health profession, and is analyzing you in that manner, I think he's really dangerous to your sanity. That's emotional abuse, as well as abuse of his profession.

I'm worried about you, sweetie. Can you try to not engage in any of these types of discussions with him? Talk about your anger here and at Al Anon. And if he starts to get into your head, tell him you don't want to discuss any of your problems until you both have been in recovery for a year.

I think what he's doing to you might be called gaslighting?

Anyway, it goes without saying I think you should be out of this relationship, but I know how hard it is to do. I could never get away from my exabf. I tried so many times and he never failed to suck me back in. Finally I involved his family in the mess which made him leave me. Everyone on SR said it was a blessing in disguise which turned out to be entirely true. I'd probably still be weak, crying constantly, and hating myself. Instead I am building myself back up from near ruin, and my life is peaceful again. There is hope for you too!

Take care of yourself!

cambell

Atalose...no,i do not live with him,he's not my husband,just my boyfriend. the only tie is an emotional one and that is pretty devastating.

cambell

Dreamsofserenity...i have a question for you...you mentioned "gaslighting" i never have heard that term before.What does it mean?

Thank you for your concern.Im honestly concerned too. Ive never felt such dispair,confusion,sadness in my life!!!
ill just keep coming to this site...be prepared i will probably vent for a long time because i have a feeling this is going to take me awhile to heal.