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Old 04-30-2013, 09:52 AM
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Need to get this off my chest

xAH spent Sunday with our girls ages 5 and 7 at our house. His residence is not somewhere I feel the girls are safe so when it works (ie: when he shows as scheduled) he spends a day here and there on a weekend at the house we still own together that I live in with the girls.

Anyway, I returned late afternoon Sunday (earlier than planned) to xAH screaming at D7. He was helping her with the end of a project for school that we'd worked on all week and he was ranting that that she and I were both lazy for putting off a school project until the end of school vacation. When he saw me he turned the rant at me and said I was making the project too complicate and controlling how D7 did it and didn't need to be so perfectionistic etc... The reality is that D7 designed it all herself and did it all herself just as she was supposed to but I didn't defend myself to AH. I simply said I would take over and asked if he would leave. I had come back early bc he asked me to so I figured he'd gladly go. That didn't happen.

Long story short he kept ranting and I took the girls into the yard and just didn't talk to xAH at all other than to tell him to leave. But he followed us around ranting that I had a whole week of vacation to do the project, "what kind of irresponsible mother waits to the end to start a project", that the design of it sucked bc my "engineering/math skills were sub par at best" (it was a balance and geometry project) and that D7 "gets her infuriating idiocy with math" from my side of the family... All of this said in front of the girls. D7 who already is struggling a TON with Math and has been tested for learning disabilities heard this all.

I went to my car, got the phone and called the police at this point after telling him to leave. The dispatcher of course only cared about whether he had hit me. When I said no she said that when an officer was free she'd request one come by for a disturbance of the peace visit but that it wasn't a domestic issue. Yup. That's my town's police for you.

So I hung up and went to the yard to get the girls and planned to leave. I called them to me and xAH said I couldn't take them. I told him I WAS taking them with me or he could choose to leave. But that one of those things was going to happen. The girls were telling him to leave and I tried to tell them to stop bc I knew things would get worse.

His response? Called the girls over, said he was leaving, gave them hugs, D5 told him she wanted him to go away and follow the family rules (rules that the girls and I made together recently that have to do with respect). He leaned down at that point and told them in a sweet sick voice "Mommy is a f***ing b*tch and you are going to be just like her if you stay with her-- who wants to come with me?". They both shouted at him to not call us all names and clearly did not want to go with him.

I got between he and the girls and implored him to just leave and not hurt the girls just to hurt me. He looked at me, clenched his fist and said "you'd better shut the hell up and it's too bad this isn't the 1950's or 1960's because I'd make you shut up". Then he added, "Married the wrong girl in the wrong decade". Then he left.

I called the police back and relayed the threat he made and eventually an officer came, I gave my "side", he took notes I guess (seemed to) and said there was nothing illegal or domestic violence-ish that xAH did and he couldn't charge him with anything and suggested that I try to get along with him so the kids aren't dragged into "our" fights.

That's how Sunday ended.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:14 AM
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What did your lawyer say?
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:23 AM
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A few thoughts, no need to respond to me point by point :

A worm is a worm is a worm. Nobody pays attention to worms because they crawl around in the dirt. What he says about you is a fart in the wind. It stinks but then it's gone.

His opinions of you really, really, really hold no merit. Not in a courtroom, not at home.

Be extra loving with them. Talk to them when they are calm and continue to explain over time that their dad is unwell, that his behavior is unacceptable, and that it is not normal behavior in a relationship. Don't be afraid of consequences from bad-mouthing him or "parental alienation." The girls need to know it's not about them. They may not believe you the first or the fifth time, but they will by the fiftieth time.

That man should not be allowed in your house. It should be a sanctuary for you and your girls free of him and his crazy. They need a safe place. So do you.

He has court-ordered visitation, I assume? It doesn't have to happen in your house. You can't control the outcome of the visitation time by making him do it in your sanctuary.

Insofar as the police go, I can't believe that his behavior over time is too little to have them come over and get him off the property. Have you pursued a restraining order? Have you talked to a lawyer or a DV counselor about the extent of your options? What about the "next step up" as far as the police go -- county, state, sheriff, etc?

Then again, my NPD POS ex taunted me from this side of the line of the law for a decade. It took him getting married and having other kids for him to forget I exist. Basically, he got his narcissist supply, good and bad, elsewhere. I feel you, I'm just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Self-care. Love those girls.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:24 AM
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To document. And to ask for a copy of whatever log notes the cop who came made. I'd done both already. We both have individual meetings with the now appointed GAL and my lawyers advice is to not talk about xAH's antics bc it is likely to get interpreted as me being bitter and support his claims that I badmouth him to the girls. The system is NOT set up to support women. Cops are useless, GAL is even more useless and until xAH tries to kill me I guess, no one is going to do a thing.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:24 AM
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OMG.



I'm so sorry, WTBH. What an absolute sh-t for him do that to you and your daughters. I can't believe the police would say that either...

Good on you and your girls for standing up for yourselves.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:25 AM
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To document. And to ask for a copy of whatever log notes the cop who came made. I'd done both already. We both have individual meetings with the now appointed GAL and my lawyers advice is to not talk about xAH's antics bc it is likely to get interpreted as me being bitter and support his claims that I badmouth him to the girls. The system is NOT set up to support women. Cops are useless, GAL is even more useless and until xAH tries to kill me I guess, no one is going to do a thing.
So frustrating. I'm so sorry.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:30 AM
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Florence-- As I think we've talked about, he is NPD I am sure of it too in addition to his addiction issues and he is charming as anything and gets away with murder.

This is the man who punched and kicked me in front of our kids, I called 911 and he told such a good tale of ME allegedly abusing him that I was arrested. On nothing but his word.

He doesn't have court ordered visitation-- it's 50/50 on paper (bc my state has it as an automatic that way unless there is a clear reason not to-- my attempt-- well, my lawyers attempt to explain that his history of rage and addiction was a clear reason for NOT having 50/50 custody is what started the game playing by xAH around parental alienation and false accusations I allegedly make etc...

However, he does not see them anywhere near 50% of the time.

I had suggested the sharing the house at times thing for visiting bc it's where I feel the girls are safest-- my neighbors know what xAH is like and I feel like they will look out for the girls when he's there if anything goes awry.

Maybe I need to re think that...

I'm just infuriated today with thinking about his antics and how insane someone has to be to talk to his kids like he did...

And yes, the police in my town are idiots.
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Old 04-30-2013, 10:40 AM
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I'm so sorry that you and your girls had to go through this It is so heart breaking when children have to witness this type of behavior but you should be proud of your girls for speaking up to him and saying leave and follow the rules. They set a boundary by making the family rules and they are sticking up for themselves when they weren't followed. That is great

Def. keep documenting everything. Can you try to get supervised visitation at a room at the courts this way if he ever spoke that way to the girls the supervisor that the court assigns will quickly intervene and it will be recorded and taken more seriously?

It is disgusting that until he physically touches you there is nothing they will do. You called for help since he wouldn't leave and they took their sweet time. What if in that time things had escalated and he had physically hurt you? What then? The system is not set up right at all.

If visits continue at your house I would get some hidden cameras so you can have video proof of how he acts and how he treats the children. Just like how people get cameras to watch their babysitter with their children. Some group therapy or art therapy for children with parents with addiction might be really helpful for the girls. When my dad suddenly died (not drug related) my mom signed us up for art therapy for children that had just lost a parent and we did different art projects to express ourselves and it helped to be around other children that were going through the same thing.
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:02 AM
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This is the man who punched and kicked me in front of our kids, I called 911 and he told such a good tale of ME allegedly abusing him that I was arrested. On nothing but his word.

He doesn't have court ordered visitation-- it's 50/50 on paper (bc my state has it as an automatic that way unless there is a clear reason not to-- my attempt-- well, my lawyers attempt to explain that his history of rage and addiction was a clear reason for NOT having 50/50 custody is what started the game playing by xAH around parental alienation and false accusations I allegedly make etc...
Yeah, unfortunately I remember. In my case, my NPD POS ex was heavy on threats, light on follow through. Unfortunately I didn't realize this and never called his bluffs. In any case, he always charmed his way out of everything, pleading ignorance, promising whoever that "it" -- whatever "it" was -- would never happen again.

The worst thing I could or can do with my ex is say to him directly that I think he's being paranoid, irrational, wrong-headed or silly. That's inviting abuse on top of my head. I have to be craftier than that, like interjecting and thanking him for coming over, bye. Or emailing him later and asking whether showing DS pictures of dead kids as a deterrent for WHATEVER is good parenting (also, using said email later for documentation along with the crazy response he sends back). On the other side of all the threats, he still says and does the craziest **** to me and to our son. DS13 never has clothes that fit at his dad's, he's never on time, I can send 30 reminders about anything and then when he's late and doesn't follow through he will just say "I forgot" or claim he didn't know. He has no beef whatsoever with lying.

Anyway, the point being that through all of it, the best thing I did for DS is to make sure he knew it was OKAY to be mad about his dad, to be frustrated with his craziness, to be irritated that he's always late and a dollar short, and that some of the more egregious things he does -- the outright lying and threatening of others -- is not normal or acceptable in regular company. It gave him permission to feel how he felt, no matter what the crazy guy said.
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:22 PM
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WTBH,

Ewwww, this all sounds so familar. I am not sure what state you are in but I just want to scream bullsh*t at all the advice you are getting. Is he already your ex or are you currently going through the divorce?

Just so you know, I was able to get a temp DV100 restraining order that does not include the keep away order. (the judge wants it added) I was getting verbal abuse and a birage of emails and texts from my STBXAH. That was more than enough. If you have past abuse issues that should all be taken into consideration by the courts. Especially because he is doing it in front of your girls. The judges I have been in front of, hate that.....

Even if he got 50/50 that does not mean that situation cannot be changed. I am assuming that a GAL is like the court appointed attorney my kids now have? My attorney has no obligation to me but only to my boys. That person would be horrified if this information came from the kids. Arguments and incidents we had gotten used to as normal are constantly horrifying the court and the kids attorney. It may seem like sour grapes when they hear just your side of the story but if you kids are willing to talk about it, it will make all the difference in the world.

See if your attorney or the kids GAL can ask for supervised visits at a county facility. This is a safe place for everyone. And does not bring those type of bad memories and experiences into your home. Make sure to be able to discuss these issues clearly and calmly. I just put the facts out there with as little emotion involved, if at all possible. He comes off as unstable and me the one getting the brunt of his issues. To me it sounds like you may need a stronger attorney.

I totally understand what it is like to be in this type of situation. If you ever want to discuss they type of options for protection for me and my boys were given and what may be available for you, just send me a message. Hey, I paid through the nose for it, I am happy to share what I have learned.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so tired of being in this version of my own private hell, I am sure you understand what I mean. I fight so hard against all his BS because I know that this is going to be a long term arrangement and I refuse to believe this is as good as it is going to get.

My thoughts are with you,
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Old 04-30-2013, 12:55 PM
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What a jackwagon! Telling those children they are going to be a bitch just like you!

He is abusing them mentally and emotionally and if you can, document every vile verse that flies out of his effing mouth and build your case! If he calls you and rants, WRITE IT DOWN! If he sends you a letter or emails you, SAVE IT!!! You have to start from the ground up and this will be your *foundation* of evidence that HE is making your children sick with his disease! By the time those kids are 10, hopefully, he'll have sealed his fate and lost unsupervised visitation!

My real hope for you and those girls is that he loses all of you sooner!

Cops are so messed up! I had to call on my AH 3 weeks ago! He was pushing me through the house while I was on the phone! 911 was recording and guess who had to go? ME!!! They should have hauled his ass away and maybe then he'd of realized that I am D.O.N.E. with his crap! After I left, I know he terrorized our dogs and just trashed the house and locked my boxer outside.

I shouldn't say this but I have had it up to my eyeballs with alcohol and other crap for that matter! It just discust me, I literally want to throw up because we have to deal with the effects alcohol has on this society! It's definately lost it's place in society.

Take care of you and the Girls. They can see that he is sick! You don't have to tell them anything. They already know!
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:21 PM
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*SIGH*. The nightmare continues, eh, WTBH?

I've asked this before...when can you move away from this town?

And secondly, I have to say that I love your boundaries and your stance to not allow him to bully you around, especially in front of your kids. But I also think it may be useless and possibly fueling the fire. It seems to me he just needs to bellow like a mad bull for a while. If you can't find a way to diffuse him, what else can you do to take the volatility out of these interactions? There has to be something that works.
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:39 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I'm so impressed by your girls knowing their rules and being able to express them in a very difficult situation.

I wanted to add to what Maylie suggested about videotaping him. My counselor recommended to me to use my phone to record my interactions with my AH when he is drinking. Many phones now have video cameras or sound recorders that you can have on without being very obvious.
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Old 04-30-2013, 04:14 PM
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The only thing about videoing and recording is that some states have laws against it if the person being recorded isn't aware of the recording and other states, it doesn't matter if the person knows or not, you can do it. Answering machines don't apply because the caller knows they are being recorded when leaving a message.

Just a FYI to anybody who plans to do this. Check your laws and CYA!
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Old 04-30-2013, 05:26 PM
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What a $!#!
I remember being put down like that in front of my children & it's not nice.
Maybe next time there's a school project (I just had a solar system & a rocket one from both daughters at same time) he can put the time into his children & work through it with them from stratch to finish, then anything that causes problems would be up to him to sort out & you'd have nothing to do with it.
Realistically I know he wouldn't put the time in.
You're a great Mum & don't you forget it.
Hugs.
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:39 PM
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You know, while I would never advocate for a parent to take their kids and run off to the Dominican Republic or something, this is the kind of story that makes me understand why some do.

The laws do not protect women and children sufficiently. And proving that a drunk is an unfit parent is close to impossible. You just have to protect the kids as best you can and trust that sooner or later he either hits bottom and finds recovery or screws up so bad the justice system actually notices.
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