fredy

Hi, a little about myself. I was a 3 sport athlete in high school and played college football. I was always that athletic kid that didn't touch drugs, but i did drink a lot starting from when i was a freshman. I hung around the seniors in high school on the football team so I was almost pressured into drinking. I remember hating it honestly. I did the typical jock thing in highschool. I was popular in school always throwing parties and being known for being an athlete. I dated the prettiest girls and hooked up with them all. I went on to college and still never touched drugs but yet drank a real lot like any normal college kid and partied like crazy in high school and college. And in college again dated the prettiest girls and got a lot of sex in college from girls. (sorry i do not mean any disrespect just telling my story). My senior year of college, i started to come into a lot of money a real shitload of money. I was making about 150k ayear. My best friend since i was 6 moved home and my college was in my city so we hung out again. He started selling oxys. I had so much money so i tried them with him. I still did them literally once or twice a month if we went out. Then it moved to every time we went out so about every weekend. And within 6 months I would do them 3 or out of the 7 days in a week. Within 8 months I was doing them every day at one point about 30mgs. But this is where i say i used differently. for a long time I never went more then 2 weeks in a row using, usually not more then 10 days. I would get down on myself i wouldnt be in the gym my body was not looking like it normally was. I used to workout 7 days a week and now im working out 3 or 4. So i would come off and not really get many WD symptoms at 30mg a day for 10-14 days. WIthin 6 months of that I was up to 90-120mg a day for again 10-14 days and would need a suboxone just 2mg a day for day 1 2 and 3. and then id feel exactly like myself again. this literally was on going for about 9 months. using for 10-14 days and detoxing and staying of for anywhere from 5-10 days. I did that for like 9 months. then finally I kicked the habbit ditched all my friends and quit cold turkey for about 3 months. I then got a prescription for a sickness I had and it got me going again. And now for the last year and a half my tolerance has grown to minimum 8 30mg oxys a day to 15 per day... on average 10 or 11. and now for lengths of time from 2-3 weeks. and the last couple went for about 4-5 weeks. i did that 3 times recently. did 12 30s a day for 4-5 weeks cleaned with suboxone for 3 days stayed clean for 5 or 6 days and went back on a bender. My question is before when i didnt have high tolerance i would feel great off the subs and when i was done i was myself never had any sleep issues anxiety or anything. now i am on day 5 and im not going back but i honestly feel like ****. i am depressed i wont go to the gym i have no want to do anything i am so unmotivated. i never felt like this besides this and maybe the last time i stopped. like i said ive never gone more then 5 weeks with using in a row. but at a high tolerance. i always worked out this is the first time i havnt gone to the gym in about 6 weeks because i was using and now i cleaned up and feel like **** and have no energy. i took my dog for a mile walk today but dont wanna go to the gym and stuff when i usually get really excited to do those things. im still snappy not really anxious but my question is when and how long does it take for me to get my energy back and feel motivated? i still have a ton of money and when i cleaned out for those 3 months i was broke i dont really understand myself, if it was because i had money and it was so easy to get i used or what becasue my life is great i have tons of money great family i had an awesome girlfriend. they just gave me so much energy i loved i guess. i just am looking for answers for why i am using and thinking about them and why i feel like i do. i wanna use so bad now cuz i jus wanna be motivated and not so sluggish but i dont wanna use at the same time. i have never told anyone literally anyone about my addiction i am afraid of detox or asking for help or anything. i dont understand i just dont get why i am the way i am now. its a complete 360 from my oldself. and most importantly when will my wd symptoms and energy levels get back to normal using the way i did? anyone have any similar story or anything that can give me some hope or understanding of when i should feel better.

fredy

Also i forgot to add i never used to crave or think about the drug when i was at 30-120mg a day. when i quit i was fine never thought about it just smashed the gym. even when i quit for an entire summer i never thought about doing them ever. since i had surgery in november and my tolerance rose to 10-15 30s a day for 4-5 weeks at a time. every time i come off i get very bad cravings all i do is think about them, even when im trying to fall asleep or right when i wake up. part of me thinks its just cuz i dont feel "normal" but do these cravings go away?

1Dayatatyme

Hello F,
You are on the right forum to get feedback from some posters here who work out a lot... I am not one of them, but do have 38 days clean from oxys and hydros, and Sober Recovery is my saving grace.
Yes, the cravings will go away... just do not pick up again!!!!!

Angel78

Most addictions start out that way. A few pills here and there and you can do with out them. Addiction is always progressive! You start craving the pills because you know they will make you feel better at first it's just low energy being bored maybe anxious. Then you start getting really sick. Stop now! Please don't go down the road I went. I spent about 15 years on and off of opiates. Check out a NA or AA meeting. There are even young people's meetings. I too drank and partied and lived the high life in high school. I didn't care about booze or pot. I could take it or leave it. A few years later I was stealing narcotics from my job and at first it was a few here and there a week with out and progressed to full blown addiction. You have a chance to save yourself a ton of pain! There is great support here and a ton of meetings all around. Good luck.

amsterdampoe

My friend you're at a critical part in the process of changing your life. The journey of finding a happy road to travel requires a lot of effort and personal sacrifice. Without knowing anything about your history I can say congratulations on accomplishing the first step and realizing there is an issue that has to be corrected. Time will resolve physical problems, but mental obsessions will take more resolve. There is no short and simple process. I hope you understand that this will literally take forever and there is no cure for this disease. The treatment is fundamentally simple and costs nothing. You have more resources and support than most, for me I had to develop a support system that consisted of other addicts and health care professionals. Most of us can manipulate and lie to anyone. The key is to be truthful and find comfort in exploring the deficiencies and emotional trauma that manifested itself into drug addiction. Stay positive and I look forward to hearing of your progress

fredy

thanks for all the feedback guys. I just got back from the gym. I didn't want to go at all, but i forced myself and once i through my headphones in and started banging the weights I just forgot about it all and felt completely re-energized and myself. I don't know how I got here. Money can be the root of many evils. When I was broke I never thought of it and never even cared to do it. Once I had money and a best friend who sold them it was just too easy and who doesnt like the feeling. I am so pissed at myself tho, I can remember specificlly about 3 years ago I had a party at my house and 3 girls were in my bath room blowing coke and I went nuts yelled at them and kicked them out making a huge scene. A year later I am blowing coke, eventho I hate it. Instant anxiety to the point I think people are trying to kill me. Same with rolls. And doing pills. I almost wish I was broke. I probably spent 30-40grand on pills in the last year and a half and still have a shitload of money. I never had to steal it never made me not have friends. But I just get really down on myself after a couple weeks of being on a bender. I feel great and energetic but i quit the gym I get pale and it turned from wanting to do them socially so I was more talkative to being so paranoid ppl knew i was high that i would stay in my room for 2 weeks and do them unless i could wear sunglasses or something. I don't know what happened but I lose confidence and all that from them. Not trying to be cocky, but I am a good looking kid I modeled for under-armour and I am ******* sitting here doing pills and afraid to talk to girls and ppl. These pills did a number on my confidence I was never like that. I just don't get it. I am afraid to tell anyone about my addiction partially due to the yuppy rich town i live in and how everyone judges and not wanting to let my family down. i am honestly afraid to go to any meetings in case i see someone there i know. I don't have any friends anymore because they stole from me and were addicted long before i was. I feel very alone, and don't know what to do. The gym and football has always been my sobriety and activity. I am done with football and the gym takes up 2 hours a day. It is tough. I almost wish I had some **** 9-5 job that kept me busy even if i didnt make all this money. So i wasnt sitting at home a phone call away from these horrible "happy pills". **** I am pissed at myself. I judge and am harder onmyself then most. I definitley am not even close to as confident as i was before. And to here its a lifetime battle. If i feel like this everyday I will not win. Just a lifetime battle of anything seems so unfortunate and hard to over come. I did it once i kicked it for 3 months and literally didn't thnk about it. I used anger tho. I was pissed at everyone from stealing for me and being addicted and just made myself angry at everything about these pills. It worked. I didnt think of them till i got prescribed a script due to an illness and since then ive been using more then ever.

fredy

someone once told me that this can happen to athletes a lot after they are done with there sport for good because playing sports is there drug and they get there high from succeeding and the crowd cheering for them. And when its over they are looking for that "high" that they got while playing sports. And turn to drugs to fill that void. I am not saying thats my case I am just wondering if anyones ever heard of such a theory or thoughts on it.

Angel78

Fredy. Congrats for having 5 days. The psychical part will be all done shortly. It's the thoughts dreams and cravings that are hard! I understand. And I understand about coming from a family with money and being shamful. When I said I stole the pills I meant this... I got a nice job as a pharmacy tech. The pharmacy manager would give us a Vicodin for a headache or a xanax for anxiety. Well long story short I became addicted to opiates including oxy 80. I had access to anything. I hated that for years I had to take something to feel ok. Well I quit that job my parents sent me to rehab I moved on with my life but it seemed that I always would run into dealers especially that I went into the hair biz. So I ended up buying pills from friends up until I finally just started buying heroin but never used needles. Even when we don't use our addiction still progresses. My parents have spent tons of money on rehabs for me. You have to be ready and not do it for anyone else. Now I have 29 days! I feel better the energy is slowly coming back. I'm back in school and have a 2 yo. I'm a single mom and I have to stay clean or I will lose everything. Are you willing to try a meeting???

fredy

Thanks a lot. I am happy you are as far along as you are! Do you still think about using? Lets say this. After 1 week clean compared to where you are now are the cravings the same? Or did they get better after 7-10 days, compared to today your 29th day. And as for a meeting, a friend of mine once told me NA meetings sometimes can be bad for you in the since its a lot of people that are just fresh out of detox and not that serious and can be bad influences. And what would the meetings do? If I saw some sort of positive impact I would. What would a meeting do? I have no idea really what it consists of. And just do not want to run into someone I know truthfully. I know it sounds stupid, its just how I think tho.

Angel78

Fredy yes it gets better every day or so little by little. A meeting will give you hope and support. Sometimes NA has lots of newcomers but its not always the case. By me, just north of Chicago in the suburbs it a great balance. I used to only go to NA but I have some drama with my sons dad and now I go to AA more. I am strongly advising you to check out a meeting. Even tonight, google an Alano club in your zip code or google the AA phone number. Each NA area has a help line and they will tell you a close meeting. I'm not sure where you live but there are usually less NA meetings then AA. Honestly meetings ( 12 step) have helped me. I have relapsed many times but each time I go back to meetings I get better. Some people don't like them. Please try it out. Let me know what you think!

Stilltrecking

Fredy your story sounds identical to mine... I never used or got throwing up withdrawals but i just acumulated a tolerance over the four years of infrequent use and it lead to some serious mental side effects. The enrgy does return and the cravings settle (but don't ever fully go away). I agree the gym is HUGE in make you feel better. You gotta quit now though you are on the cusp. 10-15 oxy 30s? yikes

fredy

hey stilltrecking, yah ive never been like that cuz i would never let myself go past 3-4 weeks... only twice did i go on over a 4 week bender. and 10-15oxys is the last week of those 3-4 week benders... usually 6-8 but thats still a shitload not justifying it. but ya man. ive never had wd's throwing up or anything but i am just so blah and unmotivated. everything is such a big task. petting my effing dog is a big task. it sucks. and im like that with everything i am an extremist anytime ive rolled ive taken over a gram. anytime i drink i drink a pint of jagr before the bar in about 20 minutes and then go drink about 6 long island iced teas. i have an issue with chasing whatever it is im doing. i take it to the complete extreme. anyways how many days clean are you? and how are the cravings and energy levels for u? those are the two things i am dealing with. i went to bed at 8pm last night and woke up at 8am this morning, i really dont have any other side effects besides the first 3 days some pains in my legs. im pretty resilient idk it takes a lot for me to even get the sweats...

fredy

And angel, thank you for all that info and caring about my situation. I am not going to lie i am uncertain if i will do it yet. but if i feel the need that i cant do this myself i most definitley will but would like to give it a few more days and see how things go. i am strong minded. a lot of these self emposed detoxes i had plenty of 30s or 10s right next to me and i would force myself to wd 3-5 days minimum before starting back up again with these pills right next to me the entire 3-5 days. i just wanna see how i can go on my own. but im definitley gonna update you and let you know. if i need to go i will. that makes me nervous thinking about it lol. but hey if nothing else works why not try it. i guess im at that point which makes me so angry. thanks tho

OxyMaddened

I think there's a lot of truth to that. I wasn't the "popular kid" in school like you but I did love to play sports...played basketball and soccer on club teams, played soccer until age 36 in fact. Growing up in the '70s recreational drug use was pretty much de rigueur and I could always "take or leave" anything I tried...sports and riding motorcycles was my real "drug of choice." My Oxy addiction came about pretty much accidentally because of my recreational pursuits in the '70s and '80s...I literally didn't take seriously the idea of it's physical addictive properties, although I didn't start out taking it in that manner...it was after reconstructive surgery and my frustration with not being able to do things.

I still miss playing sports, I'm far too old and unfit, with significant arthritis issues...the Oxy, like lot of people state, gave me energy I wasn't used to feeling, took all the pain away from my everyday existence..I almost felt 19 again. Suddenly I didn't miss playing sports, I had something new to amuse me, and also such a revelation to not wake up and spend every day in pain! At least for awhile....

When I got to my worst point, spending my somewhat meager savings until I was almost financially drained, I found my enthusiasm and passion for my other love, motorcycles, was also slipping away. While I never got to the point of stealing from anyone, or selling my stuff, that would've been the next step, and that's what prompted me to go C/T and rid myself of the physical dependency...and yes I DID have a classic horror of W/D, the puking your guts out, etc. That is precisely what is in store for you. The fact you have all this $$$$ available is making it that much easier.

You need to find a way to channel your aspirations into something positive. Have you thought about coaching sports? I coached Soccer for several years, and would do so again if I could ever get fit enough. You have plenty of $$$...what about apprenticing yourself with a general contractor, to learn enough to build your own house? It sounds like you have a lot of opportunities available to you that many don't precisely because of your financial situation...you need to make better use of them than wasting it on pills. I'd love to have the estimated $18K in savings I blew in a couple years back to remodel my house, or finish the restoration of some of my vintage motorcycles. But it's gone and although you have $$$ now I think you'd be surprised...no, SHOCKED...to find one day your $$$ is all but gone and you're facing a daily fight against dopesickness. Don't let it happen to you!

It's difficult enough for a 55 year old arthritic, overweight woman like myself to find the energy and motivation to keep from going back to the place I was. I fight myself all the time to keep from taking this stuff every day. I've recently began water aerobics and I'm back riding my bikes...I had a nice 150 mile ride on a newly rebuilt vintage bike yesterday, and it is far more fun than any drug every invented.

You are young, strong and fit, and have a lot going for you. The energy and motivation WILL come back, as long as you stay off the Oxy. Keep on the correct pathway for the crossroads you have reached.

Midwest181

And music is huge. Adding to my email I sent you. You sound like me. A successful, self destructive, intelligent but careless/impulsive decision making meat head gym rat.
Stay in the gym. That will be your life saver. Set some ridiculous goals either strength or size. Get after it.. Trust me. It only gets better and detox and cravings can be counteracted. Almost 21 days for me and I'm 95% but I'm getting old so this might be my new 100%. Lol. Ill take it.

Midwest181

And with meeting I prefer aa. Those people seem happy. In my town I have yet to see a happy person in NA. Any support system will work. I had a powerlifting team that held me more accountable than any sponsor or meeting did. I couldn't mess up and get weak. Everyone has something that works. Just switching addiction for something healthier.

fredy

Today is day 6 and I feel great, most of my WD symptoms have subsided... the only one which i usually get for a couple of weeks is it takes me about a half n hour to fall asleep and i cant sleep past 630am... no matter what time i go to bed... well if i go to bed at 5am ill sleep no later then 9am which sucks. but last night i went to bed at 1045.. woke up twice at 1 and 4am for 10 mins each fell right back asleep but i get this anxiety i guess u could call it at 630 right when my eyes open to just gtfo of bed. i tell myself to stay in bed its early and comfy but my body and mind says no gtfo u r not falling back asleep ill make u uncomfortable if u try and forces me up within 15 mins of trying and tossing and turning. which isnt bad cuz im up so early and wide awake with plenty of energy today. i feel really good actually. i am going to the gym soon and then gonna go again later tonight. everyday before this i woke up and instantly thought of pills. mostly due to feeling ****** and lethargic. but today i could care less and didnt think of them at all yet. ive thought of them cuz i know im getting on the right path but not to actually get them. i dont care. i feel great. just hope my sleep returns to normal. i miss the days of sleeping in sober till 1pm lol. But if everyday is like today and i think im onloy at about 85% i dont think it will be all that hard for me. I am strong minded. Like I said ive had plenty of pills right next to me while detoxing and feeling like crap and didnt take them for at least 4-5 days. I feel empowered today and great. I never went more then 4-5 weeks straight of using so hopefully i go from 85-100% faster then some of the stories ive read on here. not saying im better or judging but i just dont want to have any symptoms 3 months in like ive seen some ppl talk about. that sounds horrible. Ill keep updating, i enjoy posting here i woke up and thought about it all morning lol. I guess thats maybe the same feeling as a meeting can give. Well I am happy today and the weathers great today!

Stilltrecking

Hey freddy. I am 40 days clean and i feel much much better than i did at day 30. The energy levels are pretty steady but could be better. I have found that now being healthy has the biggest role in my energy levels and well being. Still get cravings, but they are far more manageable and not the frantic MUST GET OXY cravings i once had. It gets much better my friend. Just dont expect to be 100% in 2 weeks, or even a month for that matter. It takes time and effort. Cheers man. If you have any questions let me know

fredy

Yah the only times i really think about cravings like that are when i have symtoms of wd. for instance this morning i woke up at 516am and my body honestly hurt from the anxiety, physical and mental of not being able to fall back asleep and my mind and body saying gtfo out of bed sleeptimes over. my body literally hurt i tossed and turned. i took .25mg of lorazapam and in 15 mins passed out for another 2.5 hours. but the entire 15-20 mins i was craving for one cuz i was hurting and anxious. and i have a little bit of trouble falling asleep, it takes me about a half hour where as naturally i used to be that kid that was out like a light in about 3 minutes and would go to bed early. but i guess this is just part of the healing process. Its definitley not fun in the morning tho.

coming_clean

I work out 4 - 6 times a week. It helps.
Meditation helps me too.

take it one day at a time.

Past is gone, so thinking about it is useless.
Future is uncertain, so thinking about it is uselss.
There is no other moment then now.
Stay sober in the moment.