fredy

Hi, a little about myself. I was a 3 sport athlete in high school and played college football. I was always that athletic kid that didn't touch drugs, but i did drink a lot starting from when i was a freshman. I hung around the seniors in high school on the football team so I was almost pressured into drinking. I remember hating it honestly. I did the typical jock thing in highschool. I was popular in school always throwing parties and being known for being an athlete. I dated the prettiest girls and hooked up with them all. I went on to college and still never touched drugs but yet drank a real lot like any normal college kid and partied like crazy in high school and college. And in college again dated the prettiest girls and got a lot of sex in college from girls. (sorry i do not mean any disrespect just telling my story). My senior year of college, i started to come into a lot of money a real shitload of money. I was making about 150k ayear. My best friend since i was 6 moved home and my college was in my city so we hung out again. He started selling oxys. I had so much money so i tried them with him. I still did them literally once or twice a month if we went out. Then it moved to every time we went out so about every weekend. And within 6 months I would do them 3 or out of the 7 days in a week. Within 8 months I was doing them every day at one point about 30mgs. But this is where i say i used differently. for a long time I never went more then 2 weeks in a row using, usually not more then 10 days. I would get down on myself i wouldnt be in the gym my body was not looking like it normally was. I used to workout 7 days a week and now im working out 3 or 4. So i would come off and not really get many WD symptoms at 30mg a day for 10-14 days. WIthin 6 months of that I was up to 90-120mg a day for again 10-14 days and would need a suboxone just 2mg a day for day 1 2 and 3. and then id feel exactly like myself again. this literally was on going for about 9 months. using for 10-14 days and detoxing and staying of for anywhere from 5-10 days. I did that for like 9 months. then finally I kicked the habbit ditched all my friends and quit cold turkey for about 3 months. I then got a prescription for a sickness I had and it got me going again. And now for the last year and a half my tolerance has grown to minimum 8 30mg oxys a day to 15 per day... on average 10 or 11. and now for lengths of time from 2-3 weeks. and the last couple went for about 4-5 weeks. i did that 3 times recently. did 12 30s a day for 4-5 weeks cleaned with suboxone for 3 days stayed clean for 5 or 6 days and went back on a bender. My question is before when i didnt have high tolerance i would feel great off the subs and when i was done i was myself never had any sleep issues anxiety or anything. now i am on day 5 and im not going back but i honestly feel like ****. i am depressed i wont go to the gym i have no want to do anything i am so unmotivated. i never felt like this besides this and maybe the last time i stopped. like i said ive never gone more then 5 weeks with using in a row. but at a high tolerance. i always worked out this is the first time i havnt gone to the gym in about 6 weeks because i was using and now i cleaned up and feel like **** and have no energy. i took my dog for a mile walk today but dont wanna go to the gym and stuff when i usually get really excited to do those things. im still snappy not really anxious but my question is when and how long does it take for me to get my energy back and feel motivated? i still have a ton of money and when i cleaned out for those 3 months i was broke i dont really understand myself, if it was because i had money and it was so easy to get i used or what becasue my life is great i have tons of money great family i had an awesome girlfriend. they just gave me so much energy i loved i guess. i just am looking for answers for why i am using and thinking about them and why i feel like i do. i wanna use so bad now cuz i jus wanna be motivated and not so sluggish but i dont wanna use at the same time. i have never told anyone literally anyone about my addiction i am afraid of detox or asking for help or anything. i dont understand i just dont get why i am the way i am now. its a complete 360 from my oldself. and most importantly when will my wd symptoms and energy levels get back to normal using the way i did? anyone have any similar story or anything that can give me some hope or understanding of when i should feel better.