Confused About Detatchment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Confused About Detatchment
I know that I have a lot of research to do, I have bought the book "Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. The more I read it the more I realize that I do need to seek help. I also get angry at ALL A'S especially mine. I get angry because of the following reasons:
1. He will not admit that he has a problem.
2. He is always angry (from the time he wakes up until he goes back to bed)
3. He is very judgmental
4. He is very controlling
5. He is very disrespectful
I could go on and on....
I'm asking if anger is part of detachment because, I am very angry and as much as I love him and don't want a divorce I do want my own life. How can I get over this anger? I have never been this angry and confused in my life. I try to keep a positive out look but its so hard when I live this every day. I'm not a tit for tat type of person, but at the same time its like if he doesnt care about me and my feelings, why should I care about his? If he does what exactly he wants to do without thinking about how his actions affect me, why should I care about his.... I'm so confused.
1. He will not admit that he has a problem.
2. He is always angry (from the time he wakes up until he goes back to bed)
3. He is very judgmental
4. He is very controlling
5. He is very disrespectful
I could go on and on....
I'm asking if anger is part of detachment because, I am very angry and as much as I love him and don't want a divorce I do want my own life. How can I get over this anger? I have never been this angry and confused in my life. I try to keep a positive out look but its so hard when I live this every day. I'm not a tit for tat type of person, but at the same time its like if he doesnt care about me and my feelings, why should I care about his? If he does what exactly he wants to do without thinking about how his actions affect me, why should I care about his.... I'm so confused.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Are you confused? or are you hurt?
You said " He doesn't care about me and my feelings"
I think you understand quite clearly.
He is an alcoholic, active alcoholics are SELFISH. His addiction MUST come first. That is the easy part to understand. He is doing EXACTLY what addicts do.
You are now forced to deal with how his drinking is effecting your life.
I would stop thinking in terms of what I don't want, and concentrate on what I need to go forward and live a healthy life.
He does not hold the key to your happiness, he never did, YOU DO.
I'm sorry, but at this point, a goldfish floating in a bowl, would be more compassionate than your husband currently is.
When we let go of the expectation, we are not disappointed.
You said " He doesn't care about me and my feelings"
I think you understand quite clearly.
He is an alcoholic, active alcoholics are SELFISH. His addiction MUST come first. That is the easy part to understand. He is doing EXACTLY what addicts do.
You are now forced to deal with how his drinking is effecting your life.
I would stop thinking in terms of what I don't want, and concentrate on what I need to go forward and live a healthy life.
He does not hold the key to your happiness, he never did, YOU DO.
I'm sorry, but at this point, a goldfish floating in a bowl, would be more compassionate than your husband currently is.
When we let go of the expectation, we are not disappointed.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Anger is a reaction to your situation not a step of detachment. Anger is an indication that you are not happy or at peace. Anger is the emotion I felt when I finally reached out for help. It's when I finally said something has got to change.
Detachment will come with healthy boundaries. Detachment should give you peace. As you research alcoholism, codependency, and their effects you should gain a better foundation for making healthy boundaries. When a healthy boundary is in place you will not have the need to react in such a way.
You are off to a good start. Knowledge is the key to making healthy changes for yourself. You deserve happiness.
Detachment will come with healthy boundaries. Detachment should give you peace. As you research alcoholism, codependency, and their effects you should gain a better foundation for making healthy boundaries. When a healthy boundary is in place you will not have the need to react in such a way.
You are off to a good start. Knowledge is the key to making healthy changes for yourself. You deserve happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
You said "I'm not a tit for tat type of person, but at the same time its like if he doesnt care about me and my feelings, why should I care about his? If he does what exactly he wants to do without thinking about how his actions affect me, why should I care about his.."
I think the answer to this question is you shouldn't really care about his feelings, or how your actions affect him. Not that you should act like a selfish abusive alcoholic, but you need to start taking care of YOU. If he doesn't like it, tough. Detachment is not expecting him to care about your feelings or change in any way.
I think the answer to this question is you shouldn't really care about his feelings, or how your actions affect him. Not that you should act like a selfish abusive alcoholic, but you need to start taking care of YOU. If he doesn't like it, tough. Detachment is not expecting him to care about your feelings or change in any way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Agree with all of the above. Anger is usually a signal that something is wrong. And even though the alcoholic is wrong, so are you (not in a moral sense, but in a practical sense). You are angry because you are expecting something he is incapable of delivering.
So what do you do about it? A good place to start is to quit expecting anything different and, as mentioned above, start taking care of yourself. That may eventually lead to your conviction that you deserve not to live this way, and to take steps to end the relationship. Or it may lead you to be sufficiently satisfied with your life (because you are meeting your own needs) that you can peacefully co-exist with the alcoholic. Your choice.
Detachment lets you get to the place where you can see that you DO have options. It's feeling trapped that makes everything worse.
You have the keys to your life. Get into the driver's seat.
So what do you do about it? A good place to start is to quit expecting anything different and, as mentioned above, start taking care of yourself. That may eventually lead to your conviction that you deserve not to live this way, and to take steps to end the relationship. Or it may lead you to be sufficiently satisfied with your life (because you are meeting your own needs) that you can peacefully co-exist with the alcoholic. Your choice.
Detachment lets you get to the place where you can see that you DO have options. It's feeling trapped that makes everything worse.
You have the keys to your life. Get into the driver's seat.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
A great blog about detachment from Cynical One:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-survival.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-survival.html
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