Seiceps

So I'm sitting there last night doing maths homework with the kids. I hate maths btw so I'm having to google how to add fractions alongside them to help, but we were getting there. I was running about cleaning , organising like a good mum and realising I wouldn't have been doing it if I'd been drinking. Check !
Feeling pretty good. Opened the kitchen cupboard to see quarter bottle of red looking at me. Had no idea it was there. At first I congratulate myself I didn't no it was there. Yeah. Then realise I'm snacking on blue cheese and crackers and wouldn't that go well .... It's just a glass after all. Then I txt my mate , hey pop in on ye way home if yr keen. I think : if he replies ill grab another bottle from the shop , we will share it , not so bad. He turns up a bit drunk , I noticed Bc I wasn't. We drink the wine play guitar , good times had by all.
We run out. Hey he says ill get some more from my place. We go there and pick up, he has couple bottles of top shelf , duty free , that he wants to bring. I'm like nahhh let's just have beers. Congratulating myself at this point. But also sober enough to feel wary. We come home. Drink beer , sing its awesome. But he gets a bit friendly , friendlier than I'm comfortable with , then beings out a line of Valium. My fav , hardly gunna say no am I ?
Woke up on the couch , crawled to bed and suffered burning eyeball all day. Anyone else had that. ???
I realise I was slightly uncomfortable all night. Prob. Bc I started sober and he was already gone which is the opposite of what we do.
Slept all day , dreaming about the cruise my family was to go on in three weeks but subsequently cancelled due to this behavioyr and break up. Far out I feel futile. Grabbed a bottle of red to continue / chill out / not be aware of disappointment tonight. It's never enough to cover all those bases.
Don't wanna bring anyone down but realise their are others like me on here tonight. Feeling s$$t and succumbing.
I'm with you guys tonight but determined tommorow will be better.
Kia kaha.

Jeni26

The red wine...the Valium... The sleeping all day....

Yes, I've done them all. And I don't miss it, not one bit.

There is another way, a BETTER way. I didn't think so when I was in your shoes...but I never wake up with that pain in my eyes any more.

You can do this, because quite honestly, if I can, ANYONE can x

shauninspain

From my experience determination only got me so far. Eventually the alcoholic within me convinced me that I could/should have a drink. I see it as going into a boxing ring with a professional. I can only run around the ring, determined not to be hit so so long. But then WHAM!! On on the deck, confused, delirious and scared. So I stopped doing determination, as I saw it as a futile struggle. And I don't want to struggle to stay sober.

Acceptance, on the other hand, is an altogether different matter. If I simple accept that I cannot take a drink the struggle disappears, and I get the peace that I crave through alcohol.

Perhaps try just acceptance. And I mean total unreserved acceptance.

fantail

I'm sorry Seiceps, that sounds like a rough couple of days.

At least next time when you think "it's just a glass after all" you'll have some memories to remind you where it can lead. I remember a relapse like that the first time I tried to quit. I shouldn't have been surprised, everyone says it's the first drink that does it, but my one drink sure enough turned into a run to the store for a bottle of vodka and I put half of it away. I remember the next day thinking "so THAT'S what that saying about the first drink means!" It was like I had to try it out for myself before I believed it!

Veritas1

I started reading and thought how wonderful, helping the children with the math, then realized as I read what happened.

I am amazed at how things can be so perfect, we have everything, and then we pull it all down on ourselves.

The delusion that you could drink that wine.

It's going to be okay. Use this experience to strengthen your resolve to seek sobriety.

Our children need us sober.

Dee74

when I was drinking I used to crave an alternative me...a normal me...I would have dreamed about having kids and being able to help them with their homework Seiceps.

I'm that normal me now. Took a bit of time, work, and effort but I've never regretted it.

I know you can get there too

D

Seiceps

I feel ago

Seiceps

Like ago I used to be : insert here. Ago I was vivacious and lively. Ago my kids were too small for recriminations , now they are pretty vocal. I generally suck today. I want to be all I can be , which I think is massive. Why won't I let myself be this massive , amazing person ? One thing I realised is alcohol makes me angry and ******. Yet still ...,

Ptcapote

Aww, darling...I am so sorry you've been having such a crap few days. I KNOW you can get back to where you were, Love. Take a look back at your posts when you were sober. Look at the hope and happiness (yes, like the genuine kind) that you had. I KNOW how bad it sucks. I found a bottle of my favorite white the other day when I was cleaning out my basement looking for summer outfits to wear on my upcoming work assignment to Africa. I totally do not remember putting it there but I am not surprised at all. By the end I was hiding wine all over the house and stashing my best quality wines so I could "enjoy them" rather than slugging them down after a bunch of cheap shite---like I had some kind of discerning palette in the end, right? Phssh.

I wanted that wine SO FREAKING BAD, Darling. SO BAD. I was pacing and sweating and negotiating with myself about how trying "one" would be OK. Thank freaking God that my neighbor was over and wandered down to find out what I was doing down there for so long. She snatched it away and, frankly, if I had murderous tendencies I would have enacted them right then and there. She took my wine...capital f'ing offense.

You've GOT to get it out of your house, Babe. Seriously. Get yourself back on track and have one of your mates or your mum or someone come over and make sure there is nothing left. It's way too tempting in a weak moment.

And maybe some more support, too? I know how awesome you were doing but if I didn't have some outside help in addition to SR, I would've been screwed more than a few times.

OK, I am writing you a PM now. Get back to good...you CAN do it and you are way too awesome not to. You love being a mum and a friend and you are a great one. So get back on the horse. LOVE you.

Ptcapote

AND...you are totally putting your healthy pink tongue on the road to nastiness again. Don't do it. Remember this post?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ur-tongue.html

xoxo

Seiceps

Thanks pt. you made me smile. Totally checked out my tounge this morn. Ewwwwwee. Red wine. Well done you and yr stellar neighbour for grabbing that wine ! Your right about getting out. Ill make some plans today. Right now in fact ! The sun is shining , it's blue skies and still hot so a trip to the beach is in order. Realised the friend I got on it with is someone I've avoided for past 6 weeks Bc of this. Back to avoiding him I guess. Or just day time cup of tea visits. Thanks guys. You are all so kind and patient. Amazing to feel so loved by people we don't know - well know in person. It's like old school pen pals. Xx

IWillWin

Seiceps - we've all been there and, well, it sucks the morning after. Chasing the fun and wishing for the days before alcohol turned on us.

You slipped but you did not fall. Steady up, dust off and keep fighting. You will win if you want to bad enough. I know that is definitely true for me.

This is a marathon, not a sprint

Ptcapote

We seem to live very similar lives...again. Tonight I was basically "told" by my boss that I needed to put in an appearance at a happy hour for a client who is a very good friend to our company, on a visit all the way from Oz, and it was his birthday tonight. Holy perfect trifecta from hell, right? My boss is also one of my closest friends AND my drinking buddy for over a decade. I have been avoiding her (and feeling like crap about it) for the past two months because I knew beyond a doubt the temptation would be overwhelming. But I had to go tonight. I made it through although if I had sat there for another ten minutes smelling the wine she was drinking and starting to relax back into the "scene" I may have caved. I can't be around my drinking buddies right now as much as I miss them. And since most of my buddies ARE my drinking buddies---that pretty much eliminates 95% of the friend pool.

So, yeah, I am going to have to start seeing people during the day too. At least you have the civilized tea tradition to fall back on...here we just repair to the Starbucks and drink an American-style bucket of coffee. Guess I am going to have to learn to like Starbucks coffee more xx

fallingtogether

Sorry your struggling. My work day ended late tonight, I came home and helped my child with fractions as well, but then I showered and settled in on the couch. I thoughts that's where you were going with this. I was like cool, I can relate. Then i read on and can relate with the actual story. Been there. Never going back. U don't have to either. Sobriety is worth it! U can take my word, or try it out for yourself. The choice is you'd. Best wishes.

CharlieNoogan

Hmmm... This does sound familiar. My DOC was alcohol, so the few times I took Xanax (another benzo like Valium) I had also been drinking. I would suddenly wake up in the morning with zero recollection of what happened about an hour after taking that pill. The good thing was that I wouldn't have a hang over due to passing out early. I gave up on benzos because I never got any euphoria out of it; for me it was instant amnesia.

I hope your friend was a gentleman after you succumbed to the effects.

It seems like it is best for you to remove all alcohol from your house and avoid this friend for now. Get some solid sober time under your belt so that you are thinking clearly and can say "no" to these temptations. AA has helped me tremendously with my resolve.

There is no reason you cannot take up tea drinking as a hobby in the US. There is a thread around here somewhere... I wish you the best of luck.

deeker

It's the very first drink we need to avoid!

Seiceps

Yes he was a gentleman! He is a very old school friend and he left snd went home. Thanks for your support. And once again , well done pt ! Have you told the boss / friend what your doing ? Might be time ! At least she'll know it's not personal. Bahhhh to Starbucks except a frappucino on a hot day !

Spinach

Hi Seiceps, I think some people just have to keep on breaking the cycle till its too broken to start again. Keep pushing the days off more and start to see the real positives appear like magic in your life.
Good luck , John.

instant

It all got a bit tired for me, i got older , i could not bounce back like i used to. I struggled to break free.

I am so glad i was able to get my life back.

I had to give up "the escape hatch"

Ptcapote

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